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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is rude? Friends not replying to invite

210 replies

Weareunloved · 03/04/2021 18:24

I know this sort of stuff has been done before.

I've moved house recently and nobody's seen it yet. With the better weather and rule of 6 I've invited a group of friends for a BBQ at mine, in 2 weeks' time. Invite was sent Thursday, read by all on WhatsApp and nobody's replied.
I understand if they are busy but surely you'd message to at least say so?
I know some are on furlough ATM, most don't work weekends and only 1 has a kid.

Just pretty upset tbh, plus we haven't seen each other in months. See all these groups of people meeting in the park now and I feel sad.

OP posts:
Templetreebalm · 03/04/2021 22:36

@Sarahtrue

It's been two days!
And its Easter weekend. I cant believe all the stamping of feet because they havent replied YET.
eaglejulesk · 03/04/2021 22:42

I changed my vote when I read the invitation is for two weeks time, and you only sent it on Thursday. If you haven't heard anything by next weekend I would consider it rude, but surely you don't expect them to reply immediately for a mid-April date?

sbhydrogen · 03/04/2021 22:49

Jeez, that's lame. Saying something like "sounds good!" or "I think that works for me, let me confirm soon" takes literal seconds to write. I would never ignore a friend.

toocold54 · 03/04/2021 23:31

Honestly I don’t think any of them want to come but they’re not sure how to say it. I guarantee that when one texts back with a good excuse the others will do too.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/04/2021 00:33

@toocold54

Honestly I don’t think any of them want to come but they’re not sure how to say it. I guarantee that when one texts back with a good excuse the others will do too.
Why? I quite often don't answer emails straight away, but I'd accept almost any social invitation at the moment. Most people I know are desperate to see friends!
Gwenhwyfar · 04/04/2021 00:34

@sbhydrogen

Jeez, that's lame. Saying something like "sounds good!" or "I think that works for me, let me confirm soon" takes literal seconds to write. I would never ignore a friend.
But it's only been two days. I don't necessarily check my emails every day and some days I read, but don't answer and get back to people later on. It's not urgent is it?
Gwenhwyfar · 04/04/2021 00:36

" but you definitely need to answer. I'd say within 24 hours."

Since when do you have to answer emails within 24 hours?
I've heard of 48 hours for some workplaces (and also worked in some where it was closer to 20 days), but one day for an email about something two weeks away?
If something's urgent, you text.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/04/2021 00:39

Oh, sorry, it's a Whatsapp, not an email, so yes, I'd probably see that straight away, but sill might not answer straight away.

toocold54 · 04/04/2021 07:42

But it's only been two days. I don't necessarily check my emails every day and some days I read, but don't answer and get back to people later on. It's not urgent is it?

It’s a WhatsApp message though. I don’t always read my messages straight away but when I do read them then I’ll send a quick message back even if it was to say I’ll let her know closer to the time or something.

Billandben444 · 04/04/2021 08:05

It doesn't matter whether they want to come or not - it's bad manners not to have at least acknowledged the invite. Leave it until Tuesday and, if you haven't heard, WhatsApp them all - 'I'm having to cancel as something has come up, hope to catch up with you all later in the year' - and don't bother with them again. Please don't humiliate yourself by pushing for a response but hold your head up and move on.

Nonmaquillee · 04/04/2021 08:08

Height of rudeness. I'd be really pissed off.

Plumbear2 · 04/04/2021 10:01

Looking at this another way you have put them in an awkward position. We are still in a pandemic. Yes we can now meet in small groups but some people won't feel comfortable doing that. Travelling g 90 minutes to sit outside in tne cold would be a stretch in normal times never mind during a pandemic. People have to work out if the risk of catching tne virus is worth the trip. People have other priorities, they haven't seen family for a long time and will want to prioritise their visits before anyone else. You gave them a day to respond before you threw a hissy fit, at least give them a week. Meeting up is not easy for people during a pandemic, I would certainly feel railroaded if I got you message, your new house would be zero on my priority list.

amusedbush · 04/04/2021 15:33

Personally, I hate when my friend drops sudden invitations via WhatsApp or Instagram messenger because she knows I’ve seen it, but if I don’t want to attend it takes me AGES to craft a response because I feel guilty about declining. Knowing that she knows I’ve seen it makes it worse.

Personally I wouldn’t want to do a 3 hour trip to stand around in someone’s garden. Sending a holding message like ‘I’ll check the dates and let you know’ gives false hope, especially if they know they’re going to come back and say they don’t want to meet up due to covid. That means it was never anything to do with dates, they had no intention of coming and they just fed you bullshit to buy time.

mrsrat · 04/04/2021 15:36

If I'm honest there's no way I'd drive one and a half hours for a bbq in April . People are probably embarrassed because having given them a choice of 2 days they can't say no without looking rude

HalzTangz · 04/04/2021 15:47

@Weareunloved

I know this sort of stuff has been done before.

I've moved house recently and nobody's seen it yet. With the better weather and rule of 6 I've invited a group of friends for a BBQ at mine, in 2 weeks' time. Invite was sent Thursday, read by all on WhatsApp and nobody's replied.
I understand if they are busy but surely you'd message to at least say so?
I know some are on furlough ATM, most don't work weekends and only 1 has a kid.

Just pretty upset tbh, plus we haven't seen each other in months. See all these groups of people meeting in the park now and I feel sad.

Depends how you wrote the text, did you write it as if proposing the idea of a BBQ, did you write it with a "let me know if you can come?" Did you set a deadline for an rsvp
Changingwiththetimes · 04/04/2021 15:50

Come on people - its rude not to respond, not rude to respond 'no thank you'.
If a friend asked me I'd respond as soon as I read it, with at least a 'sounds good but I'd rather wait a bit before meeting up' if feeling doubtful. An hour and a half drive (three hours in total) is a commitment. I met up with friends at the beach last week but we all live within 20 minutes.
I think you should have put a 'Hey now that the rules are relaxed do you think it's too soon for a BBQ? I'm happy to host. What do people think?' That would have got the measure of people's feelings without commiting yourself.

loffie · 04/04/2021 16:09

I'd like to meet up with friends for a BBQ in the sun, but honestly, I don't feel ready, and I can't bring myself to plan anything that takes place in the future (I appreciate it's "only" 2 weeks). I feel really down and weird and out of sorts, and it's difficult to articulate that as it is, let alone find a way of articulating that without bringing people down or making them feel judged.

I guess right now I like the concept of socialising more than the reality.

In a group text scenario, I think I'd wait for someone else to reply first. I just don't have the emotional headspace to admit to everyone that I'm really struggling right now.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 04/04/2021 17:33

I’ll come 😉

UserTwice · 04/04/2021 17:56

I think the answers reflect how people view social media. Some people think that because they it's possible to respond straight away to an electronic message then this should happen. Other people treat electronic messages as something they reply to at their convenience - more like how they'd respond to a paper invitation.

I don't see how replying to a WhatsApp invitation with an immediate "thanks for inviting me, will have to check and get back to you" is any more polite than just coming back to the sender a few days later with the actual yes/no I can come message, but clearly a lot on this thread feel differently. Slightly bizarre actually as there's more point to acknowledge receipt of a paper invite (it might have gone astray) than a WhatsApp message where the sender can tell by the ticks that it's arrived.

Bekstar · 04/04/2021 18:07

Did you word it that BBQ is only for the 6 of you and that you won't be breaking social distancing etc some people may automatically assume they are being invited to a crowded BBQ that they risk being fined for attended.

User8901 · 04/04/2021 18:14

It’s rude to ignore. But I wouldn’t just organise something at two weeks notice when they are all 60m+ away from you. When it’s my friends we just ask when we are all free and make a plan from there. And right now, my priority is catching up with my family.

midlifeangst · 04/04/2021 18:37

They are waiting for a better invite. Cancel them all and invite some new friends

jessstan2 · 04/04/2021 18:54

@UserTwice

I think the answers reflect how people view social media. Some people think that because they it's possible to respond straight away to an electronic message then this should happen. Other people treat electronic messages as something they reply to at their convenience - more like how they'd respond to a paper invitation.

I don't see how replying to a WhatsApp invitation with an immediate "thanks for inviting me, will have to check and get back to you" is any more polite than just coming back to the sender a few days later with the actual yes/no I can come message, but clearly a lot on this thread feel differently. Slightly bizarre actually as there's more point to acknowledge receipt of a paper invite (it might have gone astray) than a WhatsApp message where the sender can tell by the ticks that it's arrived.

That's how I feel, User. However I don't use WhatsApp and am unlikely to.

I do still think the op will receive replies on Tuesday or Wednesday.

Tehmina23 · 04/04/2021 18:54

I've arranged a met up via text for next Wednesday with one of my best friends & her child while I saw family for Easter today. She's driving 25 minutes to see me in Wednesday.
Texts took less than 5 minutes.
Asked another friend who said no due to working - took 1 minute.

OP - would you consider any of these people to be 'best mates'?? For example I feel like mine are like surrogate sisters.
I've been desperate to meet up with them all Lockdown.

If not then I'd reconsider these friendships... as I think they are being rude in not replying sooner or at all.
I'd think if they were very good friends they'd be dying to see you & your new house whatever the weather & length of travel.

gannett · 04/04/2021 19:05

Definitely rude not to reply though two days would be too soon for me to think that.

Lots of reasons I've delayed RSVPing. Another commitment that hasn't been pinned down to a time yet. Having to double check with DP's plans. The vagaries of self-employment. If it's outdoors, wanting to wait to see what the forecast says! And yes sometimes an element of "who else will be there?" though I can't imagine that applying now.

I'd still try to reply asap to let them know why I was delaying. In this case I'd definitely be waiting to see whether the weather would be decent for a BBQ. But I'd say so! I've pulled out of a few outdoor socialising things recently because of the temperature.