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Original poster

To think this is rude? Friends not replying to invite

210 replies

Weareunloved · 03/04/2021 18:24

I know this sort of stuff has been done before.

I've moved house recently and nobody's seen it yet. With the better weather and rule of 6 I've invited a group of friends for a BBQ at mine, in 2 weeks' time. Invite was sent Thursday, read by all on WhatsApp and nobody's replied.
I understand if they are busy but surely you'd message to at least say so?
I know some are on furlough ATM, most don't work weekends and only 1 has a kid.

Just pretty upset tbh, plus we haven't seen each other in months. See all these groups of people meeting in the park now and I feel sad.

OP posts:
Clymene · 03/04/2021 20:45

So if it's rule of 6 and you're living with your boyfriend (guess), which means you can have 4 people round.

Because you said 'group of friends' and talked about wearing dresses, I'm guessing you've invited 4 friends, all of whom are married, one with a child, to a weekend bbq which is a fair old drive away.

I'm single and I've learned that very few of my friends will do anything at the weekend without their partners. And once children are involved, there's even less chance.

I think perhaps you're at a different stage in your life which is hard. I also wonder if they like your boyfriend?

I don't know what the one reply said but if you're upset , I'd just cancel, concentrate on your work colleagues and find some new friends. Sometimes old friendships drift apart. And that's okay. Smile

CarnationCat · 03/04/2021 20:47

I think it's time to move on from this group OP. You say this isn't the first time this has happened. You can't keep putting yourself in this position. These people are not your friends.

AbstractHeart · 03/04/2021 20:48

Same thing happened to me! I've just took it as a sign that these friendships have run their course. I moved out of the city and I have a family now (none of those friends do) so I guess it was going to happen eventually.

ButtonMoonLoon · 03/04/2021 20:54

Current rules are to ‘minimise travel’
www.bbc.co.uk/news/explainers-52530518
I wouldn’t interpret that as a 3 hour round trip for a BBQ being okay to be honest. Maybe that’s how your friends feel and they don’t know quite how to respond.

redcarbluecar · 03/04/2021 20:54

Yanbu, I’d be annoyed by this too, but it is only 2 days so give them a bit more of a chance. They may be unsure about whether to commit and waiting to see what the others say. I’d perhaps give them a few more days then either send another group message or even ask them individually. If they seem non committal, leave it for now.

sonjadog · 03/04/2021 21:04

I would give them until the middle of next week before getting annoyed. It is Easter weekend, they may have things on and want to get them over and done with before addressing the question of what they want to do in two weeks' time.

DaphneDuBois · 03/04/2021 21:09

It’s so incredibly rude to not acknowledge an invitation, even if it’s just to say ‘thanks - I’ll need to check that date and get back to you.’ Not sure where any posters who think this is ok have learned their manners. I’d consider it cancelled and not mention it again. If it arises, say you cancelled it due to a lack of people replying to their invitation. Rude.

medebourne · 03/04/2021 21:10

It is definitely rude not to answer. No doubt about it.

I'm totally mystified by people saying they wouldn't bother to reply for a while. It takes seconds to reply.

It's not relevant what the weather is like or whether they can use your toilet or not. It takes seconds to say 'thanks, that sounds great. I'll get back to you when I've checked with DH' Why would you ignore someone and hurt their feelings especially when they're being hospitable. Of course you don't have to go, but you definitely need to answer. I'd say within 24 hours. Why on earth not?

What's happened to manners and consideration?

jessstan2 · 03/04/2021 21:14

Times have obviously changed. In the past nobody would have considered it rude of anyone to have not replied to an invitation within two days of it being given. They will respond after the weekend.

diddl · 03/04/2021 21:27

@jessstan2

Times have obviously changed. In the past nobody would have considered it rude of anyone to have not replied to an invitation within two days of it being given. They will respond after the weekend.
I agree.

I'd probably be contacting the others to see if they were going.

They didn't all immediately decline!

But it seems that there's a backstory which might explain why Op thinks that they are rude to not have replied yet.

5zeds · 03/04/2021 21:42

It’s Easter Sunday tomorrow, first weekend of the Easter holidays, first time for ages we can sit in a garden with family/friends, bank holiday weekend, and the sun shone and reminded everyone that grass needs mowing and gardens tidying. A bbq in a few weeks to admire the new house of someone you haven’t seen for months can’t be prioritised.

medebourne · 03/04/2021 21:51

-Are they over 50? Perhaps they have dementia and forgot to reply?
-Do you have a toilet brush? Perhaps they are too disgusted to come

  • Is it because you served non gluten free bread last time? Check your privilege
  • OP, Your friends probably felt anxious when they saw the message and will need several weeks of self care before deciding
etc. etc.

Please will people stop thinking of reasons why people don't want to come?

The whole point is that it's rude to ignore the invitation, not to think of reasons why people don't want to come.

Being hospitable is NICE! The OP has been open hearted and generous. There are umpteen reasons why someone might not be able to/not want to go but the first thing you should do if someone is kind enough to invite you to something is to reply! I cannot believe anybody is too busy to do that.

Gwenhwyfar · 03/04/2021 21:56

@RampantIvy

It's rude not to reply or even acknowledge the invitation.

I agree. Anyone on here who thinks it isn't rude needs to learn some good manners.

Given that these "friends" did this to you last year as well I think it is time you ditched them for some better friends. I'm sorry they are so thoughtless.

Yes, but they haven't not replied, they just haven't replied YET. There's still 2 weeks to go!

Follow-up message asking to know for a certain date is a good idea. Sounds like they weren't given a date for replying.

jessstan2 · 03/04/2021 21:58

medbourne:

The whole point is that it's rude to ignore the invitation
........
As they only received it two days ago, it is too early to accuse any of ignoring it.

Honeyroar · 03/04/2021 22:01

That’s the first weekend that people are allowed to go to the pub (albeit ourside). Perhaps they want to go more local and have a drink?

GreenClock · 03/04/2021 22:05

People have had time to think about relationships/obligations/commitments over the last year. There have been hundreds of threads on the topic, with posters vowing not to get back into routines and duty visits that don’t suit. It’s possible - based on their previous form - that they’re not prioritising you/the group when they plan for post-lockdown. This is not a criticism of you at all and I agree that they should answer.

medebourne · 03/04/2021 22:06

They only received it two days ago? But why wouldn't they reply straightaway? I always do, even if it's to say I'll get back to them. It's really rude not to! You need to say thank you! It's kind and hospitable to invite people to your house. It really doesn't matter if you don't want to go, still say thanks! As soon as you get the invitation, why on earth not?

The world's gone mad.

Hhusky · 03/04/2021 22:08

YANBU but I know I'm finding my friends are the same. We all have great talks about what we want to do, discuss our plans and they all tell me they can't wait to do it but when we actually tried to agree a date with lockdown slightly easing they just didn't seem that interested. Must be lots feeling the same way.

WineWank · 03/04/2021 22:09

@Honeyroar

That’s the first weekend that people are allowed to go to the pub (albeit ourside). Perhaps they want to go more local and have a drink?

That's true for a few of our group.

We all live quite spread out. We tend to meet somewhere equidistant, we have a favourite local pub with a nice beer garden.

I wouldn't be overjoyed to drive 3hrs round trip to sit in someone's garden in the cold, when there's a pub with a covered garden and outdoor heaters closer, that I can get an Uber to and have a drink.

My parents live 1.5 hours away and I tend to stay overnight when I visit them.

Wait til summer when it's warm op, when you can offer people to stay over.

Sarahtrue · 03/04/2021 22:21

It's been two days!

Sportsnight · 03/04/2021 22:24

Maybe they’re wanting to see how things go with the first bit of lockdown easing. It’s not guaranteed the next stage will happen is it, just “all being well”. If they’re anything like us, we’re keeping it very small and have family visits to line up first. We’ve “booked in” stuff for this weekend, and are then just going to see what happens before we get too ahead of ourselves.

StressedTired · 03/04/2021 22:27

If I was invited to something and the message was sent direct to me I would reply as soon as I read the message even if only to say "thanks I need to check and let you know", and I would think it rude not to do that. If the invitation was sent to a group chat I wouldn't feel the need to reply so quickly, and I would also feel a bit awkward replying to the group. It's not clear from your post which you've done but if you sent to a group chat perhaps follow up individually.

Bumblebee1980a · 03/04/2021 22:30

It's far too cold to be organising a bbq. We were outside yesterday as we were having our garden done and even though the sun was shining it was so 🥶.

They prob don't like the sound of it, especially as they're not local and are trying to think of excuse. Two days is a bit premature to feel disappointed they haven't replied.

It's Easter weekend so they're prob busy - I know we have been super busy x

SchrodingersImmigrant · 03/04/2021 22:33

We had bbq few days back. It can be lovely weather in April.

They are just simply not that much into OP and/or trave etc.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 03/04/2021 22:33

@ButtonMoonLoon

Current rules are to ‘minimise travel’ www.bbc.co.uk/news/explainers-52530518 I wouldn’t interpret that as a 3 hour round trip for a BBQ being okay to be honest. Maybe that’s how your friends feel and they don’t know quite how to respond.
I would assume the same. Maybe they haven’t replied ass don’t want to say you’re asking them to do something not within the guidelines etc.

Not to mention a bbq you have to travel 90 minutes to without the rest of your family to sit 2m apart outdoors isn’t going to appeal to many. Weather forcast won’t be known either.