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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband sent a little too much money to his parents

262 replies

faithfulbird20 · 03/04/2021 13:11

Okay so I gave birth almost 5 weeks ago.

I've kinda been using up the cupboards since haven't been able to go shopping. Husband took me shopping almost 2 weeks ago and was like will it be done in 10-12 pounds and I was like omg. This week everything ran out and we didn't have basic things like bread etc. He sent 150 pounds to his parents abroad and I got quite angry saying why did you send 150 when normally u send 110-120. Plus the exchange rate in currency was quite high so he didn't need to.

DH and I had a full blown argument and he said so what if I sent it. I earn 2 grand a month and I can send it, it's not your money blah blah blah. When we got pregnant he didn't want me to work and we agreed I'd be a Sahm. I feel quite tired from arguing but AIBU to be angry about it?

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/04/2021 12:22

Get a job
Don’t ever be financially reliant on someone I’d you don’t 100 trust them to be right

toffeebutterpopcorn · 04/04/2021 12:24

A friend is sending money to his folks in S Africa. Pensions have dived and their dad is ill.

woodhill · 04/04/2021 12:28

I understand supporting your dps but it shouldn't be at the expense of your own family.

HotSauceCommittee · 04/04/2021 12:33

Poor OP hasn't come back.
Op, can you tell us a bit more? What are yours and your husband's backgrounds?
Why are you so passive; letting him spend your savings, "take you", shopping, deny you money?
Did you have a conversation before the baby and giving up work as to how the finances would work?
I don't have "control" of the money in my marriage, (DH is better with money and I'm not interested) but I have full access to all of it, should I want/need it.
This is your time and you will not get it back. This is an unhappy and stressful situation for you to be in. Please do not allow it to be prolonged by him.

EveryoneRevealsThemselves · 04/04/2021 12:38

Do you really mean you literally have no access to any money? That is a terrifying position to be in.

Catsaremybesties · 04/04/2021 14:21

This reminds me when I was little girl- about 7-8 years old I must be and me and my mum were in a big city shopping.
I was too much excited and walked into one of those metal barriers at the entrance of a supermarket. It barely scraped my forehead- it looked like a scratch you usually get on a knee- I did not even cried, only I bit of blood.
Anyway a man noticed this and went up to my mum telling her I need to go to A&E immediately.
My mum knew it’s not serious but he kept insisting that I need hospital straighaway. He became really aggressive and started following us all over the city, kept repeating nonstop to take me to the hospital
It was terrible.
Luckily after about two hours my mum managed to jump into bus in a busy bus station and he stayed on the station.
I still remember it so well, I can literally still see the who situation like it was yesterday and this was in early 80s.

CroutonsAvatar · 04/04/2021 14:24

I’m not sure it’s a great idea to be a stay at home parent if this is who you are relying on.

ShutUpAlex · 04/04/2021 14:30

It’s very normal in my friends culture for sons to send money to their parents.

He shouldn’t be financially abusing you though.

Catsaremybesties · 04/04/2021 16:31

Sorry wrong thread. Ignore my post above pls.

Pollypocket2021 · 14/02/2022 10:33

@HotSauceCommittee

Poor OP hasn't come back. Op, can you tell us a bit more? What are yours and your husband's backgrounds? Why are you so passive; letting him spend your savings, "take you", shopping, deny you money? Did you have a conversation before the baby and giving up work as to how the finances would work? I don't have "control" of the money in my marriage, (DH is better with money and I'm not interested) but I have full access to all of it, should I want/need it. This is your time and you will not get it back. This is an unhappy and stressful situation for you to be in. Please do not allow it to be prolonged by him.
I’m in the same situation and I don’t know what to do. It eats me up everyday. I’m so depressed and hopeless. I want to just pack a bag and run away.
LetsGoDoDoDo · 14/02/2022 11:23

OP have you sorted child benefit yet? If not, apply for it and have it paid into your own bank account. Also, you might be eligible for some universal credit. Check out entitled to.co.uk or turn2us. I would also suggest that is paid into your own account.

I'm sorry to say but your DH is being financially abusive. Protect yourself. Good luck Flowers

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/02/2022 12:11

Fuck me, your in a very vulnerable position there, you’d be better off leaving that one.

How will you feed a growing child and clothe them on that income?

MayMorris · 14/02/2022 12:21

@Greenrubber

Why does he send money to his parents every month? I'm a SAHM my husband gives me money at the start of the month because I do all the shopping etc When we decided I wasn't going to go back to work we sat and worked out what I spend per month and that's what he gives me I don't really care what he does with his money as long as all the bills are paid and there's food on the table If I need anything extra he gives me it I like it like this I might add tho he always tells me what he's buying and ask my advice because he sees his pay as our money not his
Please be careful. You need to be including things like paying into a pension for you (assuming he is paying into one) with any cash he has left. It is your money as well as his. You are also working for it. Be very careful not just for your needs now, but to ensure you are able to support yourself in future
Heyahun · 14/02/2022 12:25

gp back to work once your baby is nearly 1! Do not be a sahm! you can't rely on him to look after you both

IGiveUpalready · 14/02/2022 12:26

Pollypocket2021 Whilst most of this advice is also relevant to you, you should start your own thread (possibly in relationships) as this was a post from last year.

TillyTopper · 14/02/2022 12:35

When we got pregnant he didn't want me to work and we agreed I'd be a Sahm.... He was happy to use all my savings

I bet he was. OP, you really need to take some control here. Of course he is happy to use all your savings, whilst keeping his own money and still starring as "the favourite son who sends so much". Please make sure you get back to your career and sort your finances out so he actually pays for what you all need.

RealBecca · 14/02/2022 12:44

So you have no access to money unless you are given permission.

How did you think it would be?
How can you reassert the boundaries? Can you? Do you feel able to discuss it and feel like you will be listened to? How is your relationship generally?

SleepingStandingUp · 14/02/2022 12:49

He's earning 2k a month so 24k a year, or 2k after tax so more like 32? Either way, as you don't work, not a huge wage and certainly not to be supporting four adults and a baby on

Have you checked your entitlement to benefits esp if it's 24k? Do you get CB in your name?

rainbowandglitter · 14/02/2022 12:54

This is a zombie thread!

CorrBlimeyGG · 14/02/2022 12:59

Zombie thread...

@pollypocket2021 You might be better to start a fresh thread if you're in need of support and advice.

HollowTalk · 14/02/2022 13:09

@diwrnachoflleyn

The fuck I'd be a SAHP with this person. In fact, he'd no longer be my husband.
Me too! Even my grandmother, born in 1897, had more freedom than this!
blyn72 · 14/02/2022 13:16

@AgentJohnson

When we got pregnant he didn't want me to work and we agreed I'd be a Sahm.

Now you know the price of that decision, reverse it and don’t be financially dependent on this knob. Feeding his child and the mother of his child isn’t one of his priorities, so it has to be yours.

I agree with that.

Only you became pregnant, op, not 'we', men can't.

cato40 · 14/02/2022 13:23

My husband has been sending £200 a month to his mum, and week after our wedding told me about paying half her mortgage in his home country as he will inherit that and it was a good investment. Now we are divorcing and he will be moving to said home with OW. Because I've always worked and earned more than him may even end up paying him marital support! Do not accept that, learn from other people's mistakes please. Your kids and household first, If you don't sort this out now it will only get worst. Sorry!

MzHz · 14/02/2022 13:58

You said he’s happy you use all your savings

But his money is his.

How much do you have in savings?

Use it to set yourself up somewhere and go it alone, he’s going to ruin you. Mentally, physically and financially

Pr1mr0se · 14/02/2022 14:08

Flowers Congratulations on the birth of your child. I hope you are getting some support from family, friends and/or midwife. Please speak to someone you trust about how you are feeling.