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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband sent a little too much money to his parents

262 replies

faithfulbird20 · 03/04/2021 13:11

Okay so I gave birth almost 5 weeks ago.

I've kinda been using up the cupboards since haven't been able to go shopping. Husband took me shopping almost 2 weeks ago and was like will it be done in 10-12 pounds and I was like omg. This week everything ran out and we didn't have basic things like bread etc. He sent 150 pounds to his parents abroad and I got quite angry saying why did you send 150 when normally u send 110-120. Plus the exchange rate in currency was quite high so he didn't need to.

DH and I had a full blown argument and he said so what if I sent it. I earn 2 grand a month and I can send it, it's not your money blah blah blah. When we got pregnant he didn't want me to work and we agreed I'd be a Sahm. I feel quite tired from arguing but AIBU to be angry about it?

OP posts:
MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 03/04/2021 18:37

2 grand a month is peanuts in the UK. No way should he be sending such a large chunk of it away 😳

Lemoncheesecake20 · 03/04/2021 18:49

Sorry he’s been so horrible. I would tell him that, firstly, it’s your family’s money as he wanted you to be a SAHP. Secondly, if he wants to be supporting another set of grown adults then he needs to earn [whatever your family needs] PLUS [whatever he wants to send to his parents].

Worstyear2020 · 03/04/2021 19:02

The fact that he thinks it's his money he can do whatever he wants is a big red flag.

I share the bank account with my husband where I have full access to his earning. This was arranged first thing when I became sahm, you meant to be raising a family as a unit.

I am back to work now, there's no guarantee for any marriages, I would go back to work asap if I am in your situation.

oakleaffy · 03/04/2021 19:05

@faithfulbird20
Shopping of £10/12 sounds eminently reasonable for a week’s shop for 2 adults if you are living on brown bread and water.

Otherwise No☹️
I’m walking home with£25 of shopping and that will be gone in a couple of days.

He must be mad.

KaleJuicer · 03/04/2021 19:13

Good point about child benefit - have you filled in the forms and is it going in to your bank account? Tell him it has to be in your name so you accrue National insurance credits toward your state pension while you’re not working.

makingmammaries · 03/04/2021 19:16

Clearly the husband is doing this on the basis of assumptions that belong to a different culture. The OP has not been back to clarify that. It's perhaps not totally relevant to ask this question, out of context, on a mainstream UK forum, inviting mainstream UK responses, if that isn't the prevailing culture in your household.
I know someone who divorced because her DH was doing this. The two of them came from different cultures and it took her somewhat by surprise.

DressyGerbera · 03/04/2021 19:25

Hi Op just wanted to wish you good luck on this. As many have mentioned the issue isn't about sending money home per se - it's about his reaction when you asked why he sent more this month and the fact he said it's his money esp when you are struggling and don't have enough to feed your family. This is not right. Please speak to women's aid and seek advice on the benefits you are entitled to

Lovecakesandbakes · 03/04/2021 19:56

Yes, I’m reading the same as everyone else! I just don’t believe in insulting OP’s husband nor do I believe in encouraging her to leave her marriage or encouraging her to get back into her career so she can make her own money. Marriage has its ups and downs and it’s worth having a conversation about.

Obviously I don’t know the whole situation so can only advise on what’s been said. I’m all for working at your marriage despite the challenges and this is one of those things that can be spoken about. Sorry if you don’t agree.

theDudesmummy · 03/04/2021 20:10

The sending the money to family is not the actual point here. There is nothing wrong with that per se and it is very common (not only in some "cutures" or "third world" situations). The relevent point is the husband thinking that their money is his money (in the context of the OP not having access to any finances of her own). That is a dangerous situation. Unless she has some other way to generate income, she needs to start planning getting back to work asap.

makingmammaries · 03/04/2021 20:39

The sending the money to family is not the actual point here. There is nothing wrong with that per se and it is very common (not only in some "cutures" or "third world" situations).
It isn’t actually all that common for mothers to think adult sons should stump up monthly. It often seems to go hand in hand with thinking that the wife doesn’t get a say in how money is spent. Only the OP knows what assumptions she signed up to and how much is too much, and, while there are structures to help women in that situation, I am not sure how much of the advice here it is actually possible for her to apply.

wizzywig · 03/04/2021 20:42

He probably wants you to be a sahm as it makes it look like he is a big earner

Captpike · 03/04/2021 20:59

@Lovecakesandbakes

Yes, I’m reading the same as everyone else! I just don’t believe in insulting OP’s husband nor do I believe in encouraging her to leave her marriage or encouraging her to get back into her career so she can make her own money. Marriage has its ups and downs and it’s worth having a conversation about.

Obviously I don’t know the whole situation so can only advise on what’s been said. I’m all for working at your marriage despite the challenges and this is one of those things that can be spoken about. Sorry if you don’t agree.

This seems like more than a challenge. It's financial abuse.
tricky29 · 03/04/2021 21:43

When I was a SAHM, my OH salary was paid to him and then half was sent to me by SO. He used his half to pay all household bills and my half went on food, clothing, extras and our mutual savings.

The savings were in my name only. My OH knew the sacrifice I was making in giving up financial independence for our mutual benefit so wanted me to feel secure.

Now we earn similar amounts and contribute jointly in terms of time and money. I can’t see how you can be financially dependent without having an explicit agreement that any money is joint money, with you being able to spend without permission.

I think you might want to think about working again, just to protect yourself financially. It sounds like a difficult situation to be in.

Silverfly · 03/04/2021 21:57

Yes, when I was a SAHM our money was completely shared. I had equal access to it.

Devlesko · 03/04/2021 22:02

It's a pity you didn't understand his customs and financial abuse before you married him. Thanks
He won't change.

LolaSmiles · 03/04/2021 22:15

Yes, I’m reading the same as everyone else! I just don’t believe in insulting OP’s husband nor do I believe in encouraging her to leave her marriage or encouraging her to get back into her career so she can make her own money. Marriage has its ups and downs and it’s worth having a conversation about.
You don't believe in people identifying financial abuse? Or think it's wrong for people to suggest women take actions so they are free to leave an abusive situation?
Or you consider financial abuse to be one of marriage's 'challenges'?

SmellsLikeTeenBedroom · 03/04/2021 22:39

If yoyr husband has encouraged you to be a SAHP to care for his baby, there should be no "his" money anymore. It all needs to be joint. And if you've just had a baby, your finances will change massively and he won't be able to afford to send as much to his parents. It's annoying that some men seem to want it both ways: you give up your income completely but he still has complete autonomy over his income. Leaving the parent issue aside, you need to make it clear that either you have entirely joint ownership over any money that comes into the home or he pays you the £1000+ per month that full time childcare would cost

VerityWibbleWobble · 03/04/2021 22:50

@Lovecakesandbakes

Yes, I’m reading the same as everyone else! I just don’t believe in insulting OP’s husband nor do I believe in encouraging her to leave her marriage or encouraging her to get back into her career so she can make her own money. Marriage has its ups and downs and it’s worth having a conversation about.

Obviously I don’t know the whole situation so can only advise on what’s been said. I’m all for working at your marriage despite the challenges and this is one of those things that can be spoken about. Sorry if you don’t agree.

I asked you whether you'd read the same Op as the rest of us and this is your answer? Then please give me your thoughts on,

It's his money
Op has no direct access to money without justifying it
He TAKES her shopping expecting to so end £10/12
Op spent weeks using stuff up from cupboards to eat
HE decided he didn't want her to work.

There's more red flags in her two posts than I usually see on MN in an entire thread.

His culture has bugger all to do with it, he is abusing his wife by not giving her access to money and saying he doesn't want her to work, that in itself is bad enough. Then she has to wait for him to take her shopping whilst she's been cobbling meals from what's in the cupboard whilst being a month post partum. You really can't see issues that may require he to leave before her life becomes unsafe?

SmellsLikeTeenBedroom · 03/04/2021 22:58

I will add, I don't agree with all the posters saying you need to leave. There is every chance that he hasn't thought the money through yet (as it seems you haven't either) rather than him making a conscious decision to be financially manipulative. Once he has calmed down from the parents thing, spell out to him that money needs to be joint now, and give him a few days to get his head around it before going into panic stations about being financially abused. My DH had similar parent issues (not with money, just generally expecting me to do what his bossy DM wanted all the time). It took him a while to learn the new married pecking order but he got there in the end

Lovecakesandbakes · 03/04/2021 23:03

@VerityWibbleWobble I’m sorry but I can’t make the judgement that OP should leave her husband because of one incident. I don’t know enough of their situation. It may be wise for them to receive counsel from someone who knows them and their situation well so they can give counsel specific to them.

When I first read this financial abuse honestly didn’t come to mind. I saw it as a misunderstanding that can be spoken about and hashed out.

Obviously OP’s husband’s actions have not been loving based on what’s been shared. I don’t see one incident as enough to end a marriage though unless there’s more to the story.

I absolutely do not believe that abuse of any form is ok and if OP is in danger, her safety is utmost priority.

Lemmeout · 03/04/2021 23:04

Send him shopping with 10-12 pounds.
My mother put up with this shit. Not healthy, loving or respectful at all,

YoniAndGuy · 03/04/2021 23:04

He earns money = it’s not your money

You raise kids = they’re not his kids

would he like it if you said that?

You’re either a team where one works to earn the joint cash and one works to care for the joint kids, and both cash and kids belong to both and both get equal say in what happens to both...

... or you are not.

Lovecakesandbakes · 03/04/2021 23:17

@LolaSmiles

Yes, I’m reading the same as everyone else! I just don’t believe in insulting OP’s husband nor do I believe in encouraging her to leave her marriage or encouraging her to get back into her career so she can make her own money. Marriage has its ups and downs and it’s worth having a conversation about. You don't believe in people identifying financial abuse? Or think it's wrong for people to suggest women take actions so they are free to leave an abusive situation? Or you consider financial abuse to be one of marriage's 'challenges'?
When I read OP’s post, financial abuse honestly didn’t come to mind. I saw it as a misunderstanding over finances and how it should be allocated and spent. Perhaps there is some financial manipulation there.

I just don’t see how you can conclude financial abuse from one incident. I still think this can be spoken about and they can work through it together.

I don’t think we know enough of the situation to give concluding statements.

Do you know if this was an isolated incident or has been a consistent pattern of behaviour?

You shouldn’t just up and leave your marriage because of one argument. No marriage is perfect and this can be worked through. If there are consecutive marital issues, It’s best they speak to people who know them and their situation well so they can be offered appropriate counsel.

Lovecakesandbakes · 03/04/2021 23:22

@Captpike “This seems like more than a challenge. It's financial abuse”

I didn’t see it as financial abuse. I saw it as a misunderstanding of finances and how they are spent and allocated - In addition to misplaced priorities on the husband’s part.

Lovecakesandbakes · 03/04/2021 23:23

@SmellsLikeTeenBedroom

I will add, I don't agree with all the posters saying you need to leave. There is every chance that he hasn't thought the money through yet (as it seems you haven't either) rather than him making a conscious decision to be financially manipulative. Once he has calmed down from the parents thing, spell out to him that money needs to be joint now, and give him a few days to get his head around it before going into panic stations about being financially abused. My DH had similar parent issues (not with money, just generally expecting me to do what his bossy DM wanted all the time). It took him a while to learn the new married pecking order but he got there in the end
I completely agree. You explained this so well.