Husband sent a little too much money to his parents

[faithfulbird20]

Okay so I gave birth almost 5 weeks ago.

I've kinda been using up the cupboards since haven't been able to go shopping. Husband took me shopping almost 2 weeks ago and was like will it be done in 10-12 pounds and I was like omg. This week everything ran out and we didn't have basic things like bread etc. He sent 150 pounds to his parents abroad and I got quite angry saying why did you send 150 when normally u send 110-120. Plus the exchange rate in currency was quite high so he didn't need to.

DH and I had a full blown argument and he said so what if I sent it. I earn 2 grand a month and I can send it, it's not your money blah blah blah. When we got pregnant he didn't want me to work and we agreed I'd be a Sahm. I feel quite tired from arguing but AIBU to be angry about it?

Let me put another spin on this.

I’m Indian and when DH and I were earning 2,000 - 3,000 / mth between us he was sending 500-1000 per month to his family. We managed by treating it as a bill and cutting our cloth accordingly. We still managed to save, pay a mortgage, and our food budget was approx 50/mth. There’s no way we could have afforded for one of us to stay at home though.

The two of you need an open and honest conversation about how you plan to live and try to create a budget if one is workable and that allows you both access to family money. If you returning to work isn’t possible then he’s the one who has to search for a job with a higher salary.

£10-12 is a couple of days food for a family max. Taken shopping? Why isn't he shopping for you all? Sounds awful

[quote faithfulbird20]@pepsicolagirl they think it's their God given right to ask their sons for money every month. My MIL makes him feel inadequate if he doesn't. It's my husbands fault tbh. I don't think he cares or thinks 'we'll manage'.

@TheWernethWife I will do but that might be another few years since I literally just give birth. He was happy to use up all my savings.

@VerityWibbleWobble I don't have access to money. It's his bank account. I just can use it online. Not for going out etc unless I ask him for it. But if I use it he automatically thinks if she's using it on herself let me send my parents money. [/quote]
What's the culture? Bit of a drip feed if they are indian for example 🙄

But that doesn't negate the financial abuse here.

We still managed to save, pay a mortgage, and our food budget was approx 50/mth

£50 a month? Seriously? Like £12 quid a week? When was this? 1970?

You can’t be a SAHP under these circumstances. You just can’t. Maternity leave is only a few weeks in lots of places (e.g. 12 weeks in my home country). You don’t have to be out of work for years because you’ve had a baby.

Start looking for something in the next few weeks if you can. This is not ok. You need your own money.

OP you need to elaborate. Is he sending money to support his parents who live in a less developed country? If so, I understand your POV, but I also very much understand his. When you have parents “back home”, they are your responsibility and things can get difficult. His responsibility is also with you and his now immediate family and he should definitely communicate better with you, but I do understand where he’s coming from.

This sprang out at me: he was happy to use up all my savings
Was it a lot and what did he use it for?

My parents never got a penny out of me once I left home.

[quote Lovecakesandbakes]@Captpike “This seems like more than a challenge. It's financial abuse”

I didn’t see it as financial abuse. I saw it as a misunderstanding of finances and how they are spent and allocated - In addition to misplaced priorities on the husband’s part.[/quote]
So he used up all her savings and told her she doesn't get a say in how 'his' money is spent and its just a misunderstanding?

@thenightsky

We still managed to save, pay a mortgage, and our food budget was approx 50/mth

£50 a month? Seriously? Like £12 quid a week? When was this? 1970?

10 years ago. Did it by using Tins, cupboard food, buying things close to expiry date, ignoring useby dates for veg and dairy, not drinking tea or coffee, cooking everything from scratch using cheapest possible ingredients. For example I never bought self-raising or plain flour, I bought the cheapest chapatti flour (you can still get 5-10kg for a couple of quid in some shops) and sifting it or grinding it to make what I needed. I also measured everything, butter and oil intake was carefully monitored, i bought spices loose and made them go further by preserving them.

as his wife and the mother of his child you should have equal access to money. joint account all income and outgoings paid in and out of it, both of you have access to it.
he was happy to spend your savings, and yet it sounds like what he earns is his. he shouldnt see it as his money, its family money to support his wife and child. anything he sends to his parents should be agreed by both of you and providing for you and his child should take priority, he may have to bite the bullet and explain to his parents that now he has a family he cannot send so much money. £15 a week is not enough for groceries, not even close, you need to work out a budget together. Without equal access to money I would really think hard about being a sahm I would go back to work and split childcare costs between you

@GrumpyHoonMain

Let me put another spin on this.

I’m Indian and when DH and I were earning 2,000 - 3,000 / mth between us he was sending 500-1000 per month to his family. We managed by treating it as a bill and cutting our cloth accordingly. We still managed to save, pay a mortgage, and our food budget was approx 50/mth. There’s no way we could have afforded for one of us to stay at home though.

The two of you need an open and honest conversation about how you plan to live and try to create a budget if one is workable and that allows you both access to family money. If you returning to work isn’t possible then he’s the one who has to search for a job with a higher salary.

You've been had, well and truly. £1000 a month is a huge amount in India and what a fairly top of the range professional would earn there, whereas a two-income family earning £3000 in the UK is tiny. £50 on food is a laugh. Looks like you were existing rather than living, scraping together every penny while your DH's family was in the lap of luxury with your family money.

@Tal45

Why is he sending money to his parents? Does he owe them money?

I presumed he was an economic migrant sending remittances home to a country where the money will go further, but maybe I totally misunderstood because OP hasn't clarified in her last comment.

@Pinkbrush

OP you need to elaborate. Is he sending money to support his parents who live in a less developed country? If so, I understand your POV, but I also very much understand his. When you have parents “back home”, they are your responsibility and things can get difficult. His responsibility is also with you and his now immediate family and he should definitely communicate better with you, but I do understand where he’s coming from.

Cross-posted Pink. Yes, if this is the situation, I can see why he can't just stop sending remittances home. If it's the family that paid for the child's education and maybe travel to a richer country with the understanding that he/she would be sending money back home that goes further over there.

@Captpike “So he used up all her savings and told her she doesn't get a say in how 'his' money is spent and its just a misunderstanding?“

I didn’t see the post where she said this so didn’t take it into account.

"The sending the money to family is not the actual point here. There is nothing wrong with that per se and it is very common (not only in some "cutures" or "third world" situations).
It isn’t actually all that common for mothers to think adult sons should stump up monthly."

Any reason why you say it's not that common. I presumed sending money to the family back home was a very normal part of economic migration.
I did a quick google and found info for 2016
"Globally in 2016, people living abroad sent an estimated $574 billion back to their home countries."
www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2018/01/29/remittances-from-abroad-are-major-economic-assets-for-some-developing-countries/

OP - can you confirm this is your DH's situation?

Sent parent 150 out of 2000 I'd be asking where the rest of it has gone since he can't afford your own shopping.

To echo what a PP has said, why on earth would you have to be out of work for years? It can be tricky to find the right, affordable childcare, granted, but it does exist. Start looking now, and for a job if you don't have the choice of going back to your old one.

Why didn't he go shopping?

"I gave birth almost 5 weeks ago.

I've kinda been using up the cupboards since haven't been able to go shopping. Husband took me shopping"

Why did he need to take you..surely he could just go in those 5 weeks and stock the fridge?

Why did you need to go out to shops with him?
Why did he spend your savings?
Why don't you have your own money?

Yes, I also don't understand why he didn't just go shopping in the first couple of weeks. Also, why can't you go shopping now? If you can't afford a pram, just buy or make a sling. Or leave the baby with him for an hour?

@Pancaketopping -not sure what you know about India but 1,000 a month (approx a lakh rupees) doesn’t give much. For us it covered mil’s medical bills Just my mil’s heart medication alone costs £500 a month and her checkups and extra meds regularly go up to £2,000. Many Indian families would just accept their family member was going to die and not give them meds but we didn’t. (Same meds are free on the NHS).

If there is an Asian section on mumsnet then it'd probably be better posting you'll problem there. What some consider financial abuse is another culture's norm. Not saying its right/ wrong.
Its similar in that discussing having kids without being married to the father of the children would, eg, be the cause of utter horror in india/ Pakistan, but relatively OK in the west.

The colleague that I had was sending money over to Eastern Europe (white catholics).

@memberofthewedding

My parents never got a penny out of me once I left home.

Neither did mine but they didn't need it. In countries where there is no NHS and little or nothing in the way of benefits or social care, it is quite normal for relatives abroad or those better off to support their families financially. Sending money home is usual. Of course it should not be at the expense of the person's own family and tailored accordingly.

I am white British. I have sent money to my parents (in another country, no NHS/benefits/state pension etc) for 30 years, have had to increase this greatly since the pandemic as their business cannot function in lockdown and they have no income. It's not just Asian people!