Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

906 replies

MachineGinKelly · 03/04/2021 02:44

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

OP posts:
giggly · 03/04/2021 02:51

Could you really carry on though having heard it? What would you want to happen if you were Emma? Do you really want to be there for your best friend who has been having an affair for 4 years and has now embroiled you in the secret.
I’d be telling Sarah and Emma’s husband to come clean or I’d be doing it. No doubt you’ll lose both as friends but I doubt I’d want to remain friends with some one so deceitful.
A shit position to be in.

Taikoo · 03/04/2021 02:55

That's awful.
I don't think you can keep this a secret from Emma.

Onesailwait · 03/04/2021 03:03

Not a popular option but I wouldn't say anything & my loyalty would be to my best friend.

Jamboree01 · 03/04/2021 03:06

Tell Sarah you’ll be speaking to your husband as deceit in one marriage is more than enough. I feel Sarah has done this to get you to make the revelation and to force John to leave his wife. I feel for you op. Don’t let them use you. Speak to your husband as he knows her and stay away from them.

Original poster
MachineGinKelly · 03/04/2021 03:06

@giggly
I don't know to be completely honest. I feel awful just knowing about it and every second that passes I feel even worse that I know and should be doing something. She's put me in an awful position when I can't even tell my husband because they work next to each other everyday and she doesn't want to lose his respect, I think even he would probably tell me not to tell Emma because he adores Sarah too and would do anything for her.
I can't win in this but it's not about me, I keep thinking about Emma and how crushed she's going to be when it comes out
4 years is madness, how has she kept it a secret for so long??? And how has she seen Emma so many times and acted like nothing is wrong?
I don't know what to do, one minute I think it's none of my business and I'm staying out of it and the next minute I think I have to go tell Emma because I'd be destroyed if it was me!

OP posts:
Jamboree01 · 03/04/2021 03:07

@Onesailwait

Not a popular option but I wouldn't say anything & my loyalty would be to my best friend.
But the best friend wants OP to lie to her husband?

Prob to say at a later date ‘OP knew about the affair but kept quiet, she didn’t even tell DH’... do you see how badly this could park out?

Jamboree01 · 03/04/2021 03:08

Pan not park 🤦🏼‍♀️

Disneyforever1974 · 03/04/2021 03:10

I think the knee jerk reaction would be to tell Emma but I think you should be cautious, by the sounds of it Emma is more of an acquaintance than a friend so she might not be grateful that you told her. Also from a selfish point of view you would be making life very difficult for yourself if you told because your friendship with Sarah would end and she lives on the same street as you and things could become ugly. You also risk being ostracised from the group if you told because you could be seen as the bad guy in the situation.
So whilst I don’t condone cheating I think in this situation you should think long & hard before you decide what to do.

summeriscoming20 · 03/04/2021 03:10

I'd tell Emma, I wouldn't be able to respect my best friend or trust her after this.

Jamboree01 · 03/04/2021 03:12

[quote MachineGinKelly]@giggly
I don't know to be completely honest. I feel awful just knowing about it and every second that passes I feel even worse that I know and should be doing something. She's put me in an awful position when I can't even tell my husband because they work next to each other everyday and she doesn't want to lose his respect, I think even he would probably tell me not to tell Emma because he adores Sarah too and would do anything for her.
I can't win in this but it's not about me, I keep thinking about Emma and how crushed she's going to be when it comes out
4 years is madness, how has she kept it a secret for so long??? And how has she seen Emma so many times and acted like nothing is wrong?
I don't know what to do, one minute I think it's none of my business and I'm staying out of it and the next minute I think I have to go tell Emma because I'd be destroyed if it was me![/quote]
You can tell your husband. She’s driving a wedge between you and him by saying that- do you see how manipulative she is being??

What if she has said the same thing to your husband?

MoChridhe · 03/04/2021 03:13

I would keep out of it if I were you. All sides will hate you if you interfere. Emma very likely knows that her husband is cheating. I would slowly cool both friendships because the fall out will be awful.
There are reasons why we don't remain friends with everyone from our childhood, life happens and I think this is the straw that splits up this friendship group.

giggly · 03/04/2021 03:13

Unfortunately Sarah made it your business when she told you. I wouldn’t be keeping it from my dh just because she told me to. Sarah is a liar and she’s now trying to enfold you into telling lies as well. Honestly would your dh do anything for Sarah knowing the level of her dishonesty. Smacks of Sarah wants what’s beat for Sarah here which is to carry on screwing Emma’s husband, who also is a liar and cheat.
You do know that post restrictions your social contact with Emma is out the window. Does she deserve that?

Jamboree01 · 03/04/2021 03:19

@Disneyforever1974

I think the knee jerk reaction would be to tell Emma but I think you should be cautious, by the sounds of it Emma is more of an acquaintance than a friend so she might not be grateful that you told her. Also from a selfish point of view you would be making life very difficult for yourself if you told because your friendship with Sarah would end and she lives on the same street as you and things could become ugly. You also risk being ostracised from the group if you told because you could be seen as the bad guy in the situation. So whilst I don’t condone cheating I think in this situation you should think long & hard before you decide what to do.
I wouldn’t give a 💩 about being ostracised from a group. Talk to your husband and take it from there. I think it’s so conniving that she has told you not to tell him. You have more loyalty to your spouse than anyone else you have mentioned.

But if you do choose to tell Emma, remember it’s usually the messenger who gets shot.

abstractprojection · 03/04/2021 03:19

You tell Emma and she might not want to know, already knows or believe you. Even if she wants to be told she may not really want to be friends with you over the embarrassment and Sarah may not want to either, the group will no longer exist

You tell your husband and he tells people at work and it could really negatively affect her work. You tell him and he doesn’t (which it sounds like) and no harm done and it is unrealistic to expect spouses to keep others secrets between them

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 03/04/2021 03:24

What a terrible position to be in.
If you tell Emma, her whole world turns to hell and you're the person who did it. The friendship will be damaged if not broken.
If you don't tell her, when she finds out you knew at the time but said nothing, it'll feel even worse.
Damned if you do, and all that.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 03/04/2021 03:26

In general I'm all for telling the wife and if I were Emma I'd want to be told. However, as Sarah's best friend I wouldn't tell anyone, not even DH. It's not your DH's business & it's not 'keeping secrets' it's keeping a friends confidence. However, how sure are you about your DH& Sarah? Could there be another reason she really doesn't want him to know?

What makes Sarah think that John is actually going to leave Emma, if he hasn't done so in. 4 years?

How old are E & J's children?

DontBeRidiculous · 03/04/2021 03:35

I'd tell Sarah that you're sad that she's put you in this position, and that even if you decide not to tell Emma, you're very disappointed and will not be her personal confessor. I'd also say I felt she shouldn't continue seeing John until he tells his wife he's leaving her. It seems difficult to pretend you don't know, but maybe preferable to telling Emma. John should be the one to do that, though I'd hazard a guess that he's too much of a coward to do the right thing.

There's no way I'd keep such a big secret from my husband. No friendship is worth that, imo.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 03/04/2021 03:37

Talk to your husband and take it from there. I think it’s so conniving that she has told you not to tell him. You have more loyalty to your spouse than anyone else you have mentioned

@Jamboree01

This is none of her husbands business Keeping a friends confidence is fine, you don't have to tell your husband your friends business. No different than if Sarah had had a termination & wanted to keep it private. It's not being disloyal to your husband not to tell them other people's personal stuff.

BeanWriting · 03/04/2021 03:40

The secret couple are picking and choosing what they want from other people and how they want other people to relate to their friends or even partners. They would like to have support with no consequences or obligations.

One wants unconditional support from a female friend and the right to dictate that friend's intimacy with her own husband. The other wants a loving and committed wife without being a loving and committed partner.

What kind of relationship do you want with your husband? If he is your best friend he will care about how bad you are feeling about your female friend turning out not to be the person you thought they were.

itslategotosleep · 03/04/2021 03:41

Tell her.
She would do the same to you

Jamboree01 · 03/04/2021 03:41

@LatteLoverLovesLattes

Talk to your husband and take it from there. I think it’s so conniving that she has told you not to tell him. You have more loyalty to your spouse than anyone else you have mentioned

@Jamboree01

This is none of her husbands business Keeping a friends confidence is fine, you don't have to tell your husband your friends business. No different than if Sarah had had a termination & wanted to keep it private. It's not being disloyal to your husband not to tell them other people's personal stuff.

Sarah didn’t think it was any of OPs business until Op saw her other friend’s husband entering her house. Sarah has kept a four year affair hidden from Op without any concerns about her ‘best friend’.

Let’s not bring termination into it as this isn’t what the discussion is about.

Jamboree01 · 03/04/2021 03:42

@BeanWriting

The secret couple are picking and choosing what they want from other people and how they want other people to relate to their friends or even partners. They would like to have support with no consequences or obligations.

One wants unconditional support from a female friend and the right to dictate that friend's intimacy with her own husband. The other wants a loving and committed wife without being a loving and committed partner.

What kind of relationship do you want with your husband? If he is your best friend he will care about how bad you are feeling about your female friend turning out not to be the person you thought they were.

Exactly this
SanFrancisco49er · 03/04/2021 03:44

Of course you can tell your husband and if it were me, I'd have said that to her when she told me. It is not up to anyone else to dictate what you can talk to your spouse about.

He will have a perspective on the whole situation and you can decide together what to do.

I would probably speak to Sarah and John and advise them to sort the situation out now that people close to them know - Sarah may have been telling other people too for all you know, given that she has been lying to you, her BF, for 4 years already.

If lockdown has made them closer, I suspect Sarah has told you as she is wanting to force the situation along and now has a way to do given you saw him by accident. I also suspect John is not as into leaving his wife as Sarah hopes he might be.

Jamboree01 · 03/04/2021 03:45

@SanFrancisco49er

Of course you can tell your husband and if it were me, I'd have said that to her when she told me. It is not up to anyone else to dictate what you can talk to your spouse about.

He will have a perspective on the whole situation and you can decide together what to do.

I would probably speak to Sarah and John and advise them to sort the situation out now that people close to them know - Sarah may have been telling other people too for all you know, given that she has been lying to you, her BF, for 4 years already.

If lockdown has made them closer, I suspect Sarah has told you as she is wanting to force the situation along and now has a way to do given you saw him by accident. I also suspect John is not as into leaving his wife as Sarah hopes he might be.

And this
fattymumbum · 03/04/2021 03:45

I'm sorry but I'd forever be loyal to a friend that's done no wrong to me personally. Life is never black and white, and I can imagine after four years she's desperate for someone to talk to. X

Swipe left for the next trending thread