Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

@22N ·

It’s weird the way these threads get resurrected 🤔

I think @LadyEloise1 wanted an update (and so do I). Not sure @MachineGinKelly is going to come back and give us one though 😞

I’d tell Emma’s husband:
Either you tell Emma or I will.

It takes the responsibility off you and puts it EXACTLY where it belongs.

Weirdly they may not be keeping an eye on the thread after all this time 😝

She has asked you to lie, but you don’t have to agree. Telling someone something like this comes with the obvious risk that they may decide to do something else with the information. I’d tell your husband, you do.not need her permission, and I’d contact John and tell him that you know. I suspect once he knows more people know he will break it off. How would you feel if you were Emma or she’d been at it with your husband for 4 (!!!) years.

God I wonder what all these people are doing now.

I would respect my best friend's privacy, not tell my DH or my other friend. I would encourage my friend to end her relationship and look for happiness elsewhere, and be there for her. This will no doubt end in tears.

She's using you to force Emma's marriage apart. She knows John's never going to leave, if he hasn't done it by now, he never will. All you can do is keep quiet, unless you want to be used as a catalyst to destroy their marriage.

Years ago we were discussing a situation like this. One friend said that she would have nothing to do with the person who told her as she loves her life with husband and kids. Keep out of it. Their business. You'll end up the bad guy all round. Best of luck x

I think I would say nothing .you have done nothing wrong here but it's likely messengers will get shot! I would say nothing to your husband. Its a friends confidence. That's all .

My loyalty would be to Sarah, I wouldn’t be loosing my “right arm” because johns cheating. Sarah ain’t doing too much wrong, John is the scum bag here.

My saying nothing you become part of the lie @MachineGinKelly you join in with the cheating and pretence that has gone on for many years.

When it comes out your husband will wonder why you didn't tell him, people will wonder why you turned away and joined the lie, poor wife. Oblivious to all of this , I feel for the poor woman.

Tell the cheat and liars that you don't want any part of their games

It's not a four year affair with John, and she's having casual relationships as well. The latter

It’s none of your business.
she is either your best friend or she’s not.

you asked her, she told you, if you didn’t want to know you shouldn’t have asked.

The latter must be a cover for the relationship with John. So Sarah has been lying to everybody when she has dropped into conversation that she is casually seeing someone - but, week later, it's being going nowhere. She already is not being a true person to you: sounds like you've really known her .

. She is probably heavily into John, and miserable, and, as other posters say, hoping that OP will say something and precipitate the break-up of Emma and John's marriage. I don't get the friendship between Emma and Sarah. I don't really get having these close 'I'd do anything for you' friendships, when, after marriage, a lot of family closeness, to sister-in-laws, etc. comes in.

How does @MachineGinKelly know that Sarah isn't also cheating with her own husband? Clearly she's a person you can't trust so why wouldn't you question this? Do you want to remain friends with someone you can't trust? Everyone, no exceptions - I'd spill the beans and feel relieved to not very the secret around - it's their mess, not yours, let them sort it out. Sarah is no friend to put this on you.

You have nothing to gain by blabbing out OP. This is THEIR mess, not yours, don't let them drain you into it. I would keep my mouth shut. Let them sort of out their stuff. I believe the mistress is (conscious or unconsciously) trying to rock your friends marriage boat by having you disclose.I would do nothing. Don't even tell your husband.

Tell other people until one of them let's the cat out the bag for you. You aren't obliged to keep the secret, nor are you obliged to tell her although she should know.

If it were my best friend I would tell her to pretend she never told me and that I had never seen the visit to the house. I wouldn't want to know any more about the affair and I would deny any knowledge if anyone asked.

My loyalty would be to my BF but I wouldn't want to be an accessory to it.

I think if I was @MachineGinKelly I'd distance myself a bit from Sarah and explain that I'm really uncomfortable with it all. And I'd completely drop out of the friend group so at least you're not bare faced lying to Emma.

I would of messaged Emma anonymously and told her that her husband is cheating. I see this thread is a year old, I wonder what happened.

If I were you I would tell my Husband no question. This isn't your secret to keep so forget what your best friend says- I assume you are seeing her differently now?

You can always write an anonymous letter to Emma so you can distance yourself before the storm.

Totally agree with this. What a shit your bf is though. Not only to be having an affair with her friend's husband, but to then tell you and swear you to secrecy, so you're now embroiled in her deceit. I would definitely tell my DH and I always think if you tell one partner something, you should assume that they'll tell their OH.

I would struggle to maintain my loyalty to Sarah in these circumstances. She would not be the person I thought I’d known and I’d have to end the friendship.

Surprised by how little equality has been displayed in responses so far. She isnt the culprit, they both are. Dont let him get oss scott free by blaming her!

IMO, OP they needs to out themselves.

Tell them both you will tell Emma unless they confess. Give them a week.

Your prob is Emma won't like you for telling her, but the situ she is, possibly unknowingly, in is untenable.

It's so sad when people find love elsewhere, but clearly Emma's marriage had probs otherwise this wouldn't have happened.

I was in a similar situation, and eventually couldn't live with the deceit, I have lost my bestfriend and some other friends for not keeping quiet. It took me a long time to get over the lost friendships, BUT for me personally I feel free now, I have lots of other friends, who agree with me, it depends on what you want?

1. Can you look Emma in the face and pretend you don't know?

1. If you tell, you will lose the friendship and possibly others, are you strong enough to get through this?

1. You HAVE to tell your husband, no question.

I am a very loyal person, but for me it was too much, it was lie after lie after lie, and it involved my family too, so I came clean and let her deal with it, I picked up the pieces and moved forward with my family and friends, I do not regret it now, but it was hard at first.