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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

906 replies

MachineGinKelly · 03/04/2021 02:44

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

OP posts:
greenlynx · 03/04/2021 08:03

I would probably tell Emma about the affair so she could have chance to think it over and be prepared without telling Sarah that you’re going to do this. We don’t know inside outs of Emma’s marriage, she might appreciate this opportunity.

I agree with PPs that talking this through with your DH will help you to work out your strategy and he will notice that something is bothering you anyway. But try not to influence his opinion too much with your views, try to give him plain facts as much as possible.

@JustLyra
I love your Nan’s saying.

Nodancingshoes · 03/04/2021 08:04

I wouldnt be telling anyone - no one ever thanks the person that does this.Stay out of it. If Sarah is your best friend then I would be loyal to her, even though you dont agree with what shes doing. She will need your support when this all goes t&ts up...

Fieldsofstars · 03/04/2021 08:04

I bet if you ignore your friend for a few days she’ll be more interested in if you’ll keep quiet than trying to restore your friendship.

You should try it, and then you’ll know what to do.

Normalmumandwife · 03/04/2021 08:07

This happened to my DH a number of years ago. Out for a drink with his best friend and he opened up that he had been seeing someone a few years before and she got pregnant intentionally and had a child, several months after his wife had a child as well.

He made the decision to thank his mate for burdening him with it but decided to do nothing as the whole situation was dynamite and he didn't want it blowing up on our doorstep with us to blame. He didn't tell me as he didn't want me to feel burdened either as we did know his friends wife although didn't see much of her.

They divorced a few years later anyway and eventually it came out but obviously the immediate impact was less although I imagine his ex felt shit as their son then met eventually with his sibling sister who was months younger!

Non is easy but you have to do what you think is right, but often the person disclosing ends up being the enemy no 1

palapenojopper · 03/04/2021 08:07

Yikes!

Do Emma & John have kids, and if not is this something that could happen in the near future?

If I were Emma I'd want to know ASAP so I could make other plans for my life away from scheming John.

You do need to make sure Emma knows. Probably best to tell John & Sarah that they now need to tell her.

harknesswitch · 03/04/2021 08:08

I wouldn't lie to my husband, that will create all sorts of problems when it comes out, which it will. It will create issues within your marriage. Your loyalty should lie with your dh.

As for telling Emma, I'm not sure on this, the more people that kneecap the more likely it will come out, but the worse Emma will feel knowing that everyone knew except her

icelollycraving · 03/04/2021 08:08

I would tell my dh in your position. Why risk your relationship for someone who clearly doesn’t know what a healthy relationship is. She is not the puppet master in your group of five. She wouldn’t have told you if you hadn’t seen him. She’s kept it quiet for years. I wouldn’t socialise in the group again, one poor woman would be the only one in the bloody dark.
She may think they love each other, but he may see it as just a fuck on the side.

sassbott · 03/04/2021 08:08

Another vote here for categorically telling your husband. Do not allow this woman to drive a wedge between you and your husband.

I would talk it out between the both of you and he can support you in deciding what to do next. I don’t think any further decisions need to be made right now. Personally I would tell me husband, boundary his interactions with her pronto and then stay silent. Sarah has done this deliberately, she wants this to explode and the issue to be forced. You’re the mecanism to do so.

This is one of those seismic events that changes things forever. That friendship group is no more. That change (and this will change you), will be noticed by everyone. So you have to tell your DH.

Re your friendship with Sarah? I think that’s deeply personal and a decision that only you can make.

ekidmxcl · 03/04/2021 08:08

The bottom line is that whatever you do re the friends, you shouldn’t fuck your own marriage up. You shouldn’t keep this from your husband because then your own marriage will have secrets which could blow up in the future. Then the pair of you can decide what to do, if anything. Presumably your husband respects Sarah for her work? So he can still respect her work. Cheaters are often/usually serial cheaters so I’d actually consider whether she’s also been at it with your husband. It’s apparently a statistic that when people around you are unfaithful, you are more likely to be unfaithful.

DustCentral · 03/04/2021 08:09

@MachineGinKelly you have to tell your husband as if not that could backfire on you massively. Tell him she wants it kept secret and leave it up to him if he agrees.

Your so called best friend wants you to have a huge lie within your marriage. Don’t let her make you do that!!!

As for telling Emma, it’s very very hard but I think I’d have to as your best friend is an awful person and doesn’t deserve protection.

rachelgreensroom · 03/04/2021 08:09

@babyyodaxmas

I would definitely talk to my husband - I'd need someone else to talk to about this

I'd question this, what would you need to talk about ? Remember her DH works with Sarah, that's putting him in a very difficult position. These are all adults not 14 year olds, part of being an adult is sometimes having to keep your own counsel.

Question all you like. I'm in a relationship where we're open we talk about the things that are on our minds or stressing us out. It helps Smile
wintertime6 · 03/04/2021 08:11

Just playing devils advocate here, but are you positive that there hasn't been anything going on between Sarah and your husband at any point? Sounds as if they're close, she doesn't want him finding out, and she's shown that she doesn't seem to have any issue with having affairs with friends' husbands?

BurbageBrook · 03/04/2021 08:12

The morally right thing to do, even if scary, even if comes with consequences, is to tell Emma.

Overdueanamechange · 03/04/2021 08:14

Keep out of it. I don't think you need to tell your husband, it isn't something that would affect him and its your friend's secret, not yours. Emma is only an acquaintance so you don't have loyalty to her. Just watch Sarah around your husband now you know she has form.

babyyodaxmas · 03/04/2021 08:16

Ok for the "tell your husband" brigrade a few questions;

  1. Not telling isn't the same as lying is it ? I would probrably say nothing but would lie to a direct question, is he likely to pose a direct question ?
  2. It will drive a wedge between you/ endanger your relationship- really ? A bit a gossip (that's all it is) about a 3rd party you choose not to share will destroy a 10 year old relationship ? Ok then
  3. Sharing everything "because he is my soulmate" is a rather adolescent view of human relationships. As we mature frequently it is the same sex platonic friendships that will sustain not the romantic ones.
GoWalkabout · 03/04/2021 08:16

Tell your husband because when it comes out she will dump you in it with him. Then decide together what to do. Your husband sounds fond of her, do you think she might have tried with him before?

DoWhatYouWantTo · 03/04/2021 08:17

@Jamboree01

Tell Sarah you’ll be speaking to your husband as deceit in one marriage is more than enough. I feel Sarah has done this to get you to make the revelation and to force John to leave his wife. I feel for you op. Don’t let them use you. Speak to your husband as he knows her and stay away from them.
This...lockdown has made Sarah crave John more because she cant have him as much. 4 years is a looooong time to 'date' someone and she is wasting her years when she could be with a full time partner.

I can almost guarantee if this plan fails, the next step would be a pregnancy. How old is Sarah?

CuriousSeal · 03/04/2021 08:17

I'd tell Emma. She deserves to know.

If I were Emma then I wouldn't give a rat's arse who told me, I'd just be grateful to have been told.

I also wouldn't be able to remain close friends with Sarah.

MzHz · 03/04/2021 08:18

@LatteLoverLovesLattes

In general I'm all for telling the wife and if I were Emma I'd want to be told. However, as Sarah's best friend I wouldn't tell anyone, not even DH. It's not your DH's business & it's not 'keeping secrets' it's keeping a friends confidence. However, how sure are you about your DH& Sarah? Could there be another reason she really doesn't want him to know?

What makes Sarah think that John is actually going to leave Emma, if he hasn't done so in. 4 years?

How old are E & J's children?

If my oh didn’t tell me something like this it would dent my faith and trust in HIM.

@MachineGinKelly you need to tell your husband

You can introduce deceit in your marriage.

What to do about Emma? Well that’s harder, but I think the way I’d manage this is:

1- tell my h
2- distance ourselves from Sarah and John
2.5 - I’d consider telling Sarah that I’d told my h and that I was cooling our friendship because I can’t condone what they’ve done and if not Emma, it could have been me and I’d have been none the wiser for FOUR FUCKING YEARS.
3- cool things a bit with Emma until I’d worked out the lay if the land

babyyodaxmas · 03/04/2021 08:18

Yes telling DH will definately make OP feel better in the short term. But places a burden on the DH and will possibly destroy her wider relationships in the group.

I would question if that is worth it ?

MarshaBradyo · 03/04/2021 08:19

What a dilemma.

I don’t think I could tell Emma but I would feel irritated by friend and probably tell dh.

MzHz · 03/04/2021 08:19

You can introduce deceit in your marriage

can’t

WilsonandNoodles · 03/04/2021 08:19

Why does Sarah value her relationship with your husband more than you? I would definitely tell him, it gives you the opportunity to to talk to someone in real life and offload a bit.
Personally I would be giving Sarah until the end of the month to either stop the relationship or for them to tell their partners and let them deal with it. Don't see her until she does and if she doesn't either quit your friendship or tell Emma.

MzHz · 03/04/2021 08:20

@babyyodaxmas

Yes telling DH will definately make OP feel better in the short term. But places a burden on the DH and will possibly destroy her wider relationships in the group.

I would question if that is worth it ?

My marriage and my integrity are worth more than the ego and feelings of cheats.
110APiccadilly · 03/04/2021 08:20

I know someone who was in Emma's position, and the person in your position said nothing. It came out anyway, including that the other person had known, and "Emma" felt betrayed twice over. I would tell your husband (so he is prepared for any fallout that comes his way) and then tell Emma (or give John an ultimatum that he must or you will, if you can manage that). Otherwise, and I know this sounds harsh, but I can't think of another way to phrase it, you are allowing John to go on having sex with Emma under false pretences. That's what would swing it for me.

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