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Original poster

Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

906 replies

MachineGinKelly · 03/04/2021 02:44

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

OP posts:
Dozer · 03/04/2021 08:20

Would first tell Emma (so that she can consider the info in making decisions for herself and DC), then DH. If it led to the end of friendship with Sarah, fine.

No need for it to affect DH or Sarah at work if they behave professionally.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/04/2021 08:21

@munchiemunch

Tell your DH. That’s unfair to make that request. I think you and your DH need to decide what to do between you. She’s not your best friend though is she? She’s a liar and a user. You need to rethink this friendship. She’s deliberately fucked a friends husband. She could have picked any man. She’s disgusting and how you can bear to be near her I don’t know. Tell Emma. That poor woman has been lied to for 4 years. She deserves to know while she’s young enough to move on and I’d also suggest all of your friendship group keep your husbands away from Sarah. She has no morals
Or maybe keep Emma's husband away from everyone's female partners Hmm. Why is all the blame being put on the woman here?
Landlubber2019 · 03/04/2021 08:22

I would be telling my husband straight away, when and if this comes out you will need his support as you will be forced to choose between Sarah and Emma , the likelihood being you will be forced to stick with Sarah if the others in the group knew you were part of the deception. Personally I would distance from Sarah, she isn't a loyal friend and is now using you as a cover. I wouldn't tell Emma but I would explain to the group that Sarah's decision to have an affair with the husband of a friend makes your friendship with her untenable.

I have a similar situation in that Sharon called out Donna as someone who she grossly disliked but then proceeds to take up a hobby and becomes an important friend to Donna. Donna seems to have no idea that Sharon has been really mean about her behind her back but readily admits Sharon can be unkind about other friends behind their backs.Hmm I don't know if this the right thing to have done but if I tell Donna I will be drawn in and be the bad guy, so I've removed myself from Sharon and if Donna asks me explicitly I won't lie but neither will I volunteer the information.

babyyodaxmas · 03/04/2021 08:22

As I said putting one's marriage on a pedastal above all else can work if your lucky. However it can also leave you isolated and dependant. How on earth is nog telling DH decietful ?

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 03/04/2021 08:22

Like many above say - Sarah has told you because she wants to force the issue - she could have made up a diy task. I would just keep it to myself in this instance. It’s their issue and I wouldn’t let myself be used like this. If people ask in the future if you knew you can always tell them you only found out recently.

SmellsLikeWineIGuess · 03/04/2021 08:23

She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma

The absolute irony in expecting - even taking for granted - your loyalty, when she is being so profoundly disloyal herself.

She sounds like a silly little girl, with no idea how adult relationships function.

No, I don’t tell DH confidential things that happen to my close friends. But to say ‘don’t tell your husband my dirty little secret’ is so pathetically naive. Grow up.

ZiggyBaby · 03/04/2021 08:23

@Onesailwait

Not a popular option but I wouldn't say anything & my loyalty would be to my best friend.
Me too.
BigPaperBag · 03/04/2021 08:25

There is no way I’d keep this from my husband, he’s my best friend and Sarah isn’t your friend if she asks you to do that. She doesn’t sound like a very nice person (neither does John obviously) and Emma needs to know. Not quite sure how you go about that though. Maybe Emma already knows/suspects, I mean you say you don’t know her all that well?

babyyodaxmas · 03/04/2021 08:25

Not telling DH. If this small confidence which doesn't affect him would endanger the marriage I would question it's strength in the first place.

If Sarah had confided pregnancy or cancer presumably you would all be ok with keeping that quiet ?

Iwonder08 · 03/04/2021 08:26

OP, it has nothing to do with your husband at all. By all means tell Sarah what you think if you feel so inclined, but it is not your responsibility to tell everyone. They all adults, Emma probably knows if it has been 4 years. She is not your close friend, you just meet occasionally. Whoever you tell will just bring more harm to everyone involved. If you feel strongly then step away from your friendship with Sarah, but I wouldn't tell anyone. Not your secret and definitely not your problem

Dozer · 03/04/2021 08:26

Would you want to remain close friends with someone who treated her other of their friends like that, though?

I wouldn’t.

cjpark · 03/04/2021 08:28

I was put in the same position 3 years ago OP - my married best friend at the time told me she was seeing another friend's husband when they were both away on business. I was horrified. I told my DH, tried to reason with BF that it was a bad idea. By this time BF husband had suspicions anyway and is a jealous individual.
I made the decision not to tell but that I would be honest if asked. It was awful socialising and watching all 8 of us together, (4 couples) and in retrospect took a toll on my mental health. One day BF husband had too much to drink and asked me directly if I knew if his wife and friend's husband was having an affair. I told him what I knew.
The end result was that my BF and husband hasn't spoken to me since. I was so upset with the drama of it all initially, but down the road understand that I am in a much happier and relaxed place without the lies, deception and tension. Ive made new friends and sometimes see my BF, her husband and the other couple out socialising together, but just feel pity. I'd nip it in the bud quick, tell Emma and move on.

moochingtothepub · 03/04/2021 08:28

For now I wouldn't tell your husband or Emma, you aren't lying to anyone, you just aren't mentioning it but I would tell Sarah she needs to get John to make a choice for her own self respect and for his wife's sake. A few weeks basically to come clean, the fact you know means things have changed and she needs to tell him you know.

I would struggle to stay friends unless it's resolved

FoolsAssassin · 03/04/2021 08:29

I don’t amd wouldn’t tell DH everything but I would tell him this as being told this by Emma would be the end of her being my best friend. My really good friends are lovely , all different but none of the, would behave like this and if they wouldn’t be the people I think they are, especially putting me in such a difficult position.

A situation like this would make me very sad because of the position I had been put in and because of the loss of a friend effectively as they wouldn’t be the person I thought they were. Extremely different to being told about a termination , this has implications for your whole friendship group and I absolutely would be discussing this with my DH to start with as would want support for when the group implodes as it inevitably will.

MzHz · 03/04/2021 08:29

@babyyodaxmas

As I said putting one's marriage on a pedastal above all else can work if your lucky. However it can also leave you isolated and dependant. How on earth is nog telling DH decietful ?
Because if you can keep a lie from your husband you can lie TO your husband

It also shows that you’re condoning an affair, accepting it and supporting it.

You can tell a lot about the person by the company they keep.

BobBobBobbin · 03/04/2021 08:33

What an awful situation.

I don’t think I could forgive Sarah. In many ways I think it’s much worse that her relationship with John has been casual for so long. Affairs are terrible at the best of times but I can understand that sometimes people do fall head over heels for each other. But this doesn’t sound like what was going on here, it sounds like it started as casual sex.

Who in their right mind has casual sex with their friend’s husband? It’s just beyond the pale. And keep it going on for years presumably with no intention of fessing up.

I think the first thing I would do would be to tell Sarah how angry and appalled I was and that I can’t speak to her. So far Sarah’s actions have had no consequences. The very least that should happen is for her to realise that she’s threatened her relationship with her best friend.

And I’d throw the decisions back to Sarah - what is she going to do? Will she end it with John? Come clean to your DH? Confess to Emma? Because she can’t just expect she can carry on as before with the added benefit of you acting as a confident.

MzHz · 03/04/2021 08:34

Some people can keep their powder dry.

Others can’t

From the OP, @MachineGinKelly is in hell grappling with this. There is no way she will be able to keep this from her H, he’ll see the anguish and be worried.

A problem shared is a problem halved and as both people have a relationship with Sarah it’s important for both @MachineGinKelly and her dh that they’re on the same page and have each other to lean on and get support and advice from

MzHz · 03/04/2021 08:35

@BobBobBobbin

What an awful situation.

I don’t think I could forgive Sarah. In many ways I think it’s much worse that her relationship with John has been casual for so long. Affairs are terrible at the best of times but I can understand that sometimes people do fall head over heels for each other. But this doesn’t sound like what was going on here, it sounds like it started as casual sex.

Who in their right mind has casual sex with their friend’s husband? It’s just beyond the pale. And keep it going on for years presumably with no intention of fessing up.

I think the first thing I would do would be to tell Sarah how angry and appalled I was and that I can’t speak to her. So far Sarah’s actions have had no consequences. The very least that should happen is for her to realise that she’s threatened her relationship with her best friend.

And I’d throw the decisions back to Sarah - what is she going to do? Will she end it with John? Come clean to your DH? Confess to Emma? Because she can’t just expect she can carry on as before with the added benefit of you acting as a confident.

That’s a good post!
KarmaNoMore · 03/04/2021 08:35

Tell Sarah you are not keeping any secrets, bounce the ball back to her, the information is out and they need to manage how is delivered themselves, you will tell your husband though as your first loyalty is with him.

I wouldn’t tell Emma myself, she will shoot the messenger and won’t believe you didn’t know considering how close you are with Sarah.

The friendships are over, forget about getting all together and things being like in the old times now this is out.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/04/2021 08:35

You can tell a lot about the person by the company they keep.

You can also make the mistake of tarring everyone with the same brush (if we're using old sayings).

😁

I do agree that op should tell her dh, simply because it's unfair to dump that bombshell on op and expect her to deal with it alone. My dp is the person I talk to about things that worry me. And it's not fair on anyone to dictate that I can't use my support system as I see fit.

MarshaBradyo · 03/04/2021 08:36

I couldn’t imagine socialising and seeing Emma and Sarah together.

The ease at which Sarah was doing this be an issue for friendship

CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/04/2021 08:38

No one ever thanks the person who tells them?

Oh, they do. I told a friend, years ago, of the seriously fucked up goings on of her partner. I told him I would when he was brazen enough to bring one of his younger women into our group whilst our friend was home with their kid.

After having told her initially I sat at her table, with him, and told her. Reminded him that I had warned him I would have to tell her, she needed to know for her own sake, sexual health and financial security. She stayed with him for about a year, was a bit cool with me and another friend whilst she thought it through, but then came to us to talk through getting him out of her house and life.

20 years on and we are still best friends. What we did set her life straight. I'd do it again, if I had to.

Chickychickydodah · 03/04/2021 08:38

I would tell your husband as he needs to know , he needs to decide if he wants to say anything to her or not.
Personally I wouldn’t tell Emma.

As @Jamboree01 says it’s the messenger that gets shot.

Sarah needs to know that it’s wrong what she is doing and that she has put you in a difficult situation. I don’t think I would fully trust her again after this.

Sameoldconstellations · 03/04/2021 08:40

@Eachpeachpears

Tell your husband definitely.

Whether you tell Emma or not depends on at which point Sarah asked you not to say anything.
If she said "I'll tell you but you must promise not to tell anyone..." and you accepted the information on that basis, then you can't really tell Emma.
However, of she said "we've been having an affair... But you can't say anything" then she gave the information willingly and asked you to hide it afterwards, thereby giving you the position to say "I'm not comfortable hiding that" and telling the relevant parties.

It's tricky, but I would certainly be telling my husband, and probably Emma too.

You think OP should feel obligated to keep this secret if Emma tricked her into hearing it!? No way, if Sarah doesn't feel that marriage vows need keeping then she has no leg to stand on arguing that friends ought to keep promises to one another.
Lorw · 03/04/2021 08:40

She’s bought you into the lie for a reason OP especially after 4 years, just think about that, obviously she’s using you as a pawn and best friends don’t do that so that would be my friendship over with her regardless of whether I decided to tell others. I couldn’t trust her after this.

You are damned if you do damned if you don’t so I would do what’s right in this situation and tell Emma, I mean I couldn’t be angry at someone who told me if I was in her position and I couldn’t be friends any longer with a friend who knew and didn’t tell me and would feel like I was being made a fool of by everyone, no doubt you will be thrown under the bus when the inevitable bomb goes off.