Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

Tell Sarah that you're going to tell your DH as she doesn't get to dictate what goes on in your marriage, and that John (or Sarah) needs to tell Emma what happened in the next week, or you will. Your friendship with Emma will be over anyway if she finds out you knew and said nothing, and Sarah is a shit friend to have, so while it's really sad, youve not got much to lose.

Don’t keep it from your husband.

My Nana had a saying “You don’t have to tell your other half everything, but the second someone tells you not to you should...”

I live by that. DH doesn’t need to know everything I know, but there is no way I’ll ever allow anyone to say “I told her not to tell you” and put a wedge between us. I definitely would not be risking that with someone who has the morals to be shagging a friend’s husband for years!

@Sceptre86

Sarah doesn't see friends husbands as off limits that alone would make me end that friendship. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who could be that callous towards another friend. Yes he is the one who is married but she can't argue that she wasn't aware. She deliberately chose to put her happiness above that of another women who she knows and her children. She shouldn't have told you and made you complicit. I would be telling him to tell Emma in the next two weeks and if he didn't I would tell myself. You will probably lose a lot of friends though, are you string enough for that?

I agree with this! How do you know this 'friend' wouldn't go after your husband when she's bored. She obviously doesn't care if someone is married or even if they have kids. Her behaviour is disgusting and I'd not want to be friends with her any more.

Give her the opportunity to speak with him so he can tell his wife first but if he doesn't in a week the definitely tell her.

Sarah doesn't see friends husbands as off limits that alone would make me end that friendship

^ this.

Also something similar happened to some Mums who I knew from the playground. The one Mum who stood by her friend ie you in this case, was completely ostracised by everyone else because how could she remain friends with someone who literally put a bomb inside someone else's marriage and their children's lives too?

Totally agree. I would be seriously questioning my friendship with someone who expected me to lie to my husband.

Keep out of it OP, would be my advice. It will all come out eventually, these things usually do. It doesn’t concern you. I would distance myself from the lot of them to be honest.

She’s not a friend, she’s completely selfish and what a coward he is as well.

I don’t think I’d say anything either but I’d encourage her to end it or for him to make a choice. As this isn’t fair on his poor wife

@JustLyra
I like the sound of your Nana, her saying was right.

Tell your husband OP, then both of you can decide what to do and support each other during the fallout.

I couldn’t be friends with someone who has no morals.

Yes he’s obviously just as shit as Sarah but I couldn’t be friends with someone so fake.

She has knowingly put her own needs for a casual shag above that of her friend and the children’s feelings. Their whole worlds will be turned upside down because in the first instance she wanted a quickie which has now turned into “love”.

@LatteLoverLovesLattes

Talk to your husband and take it from there. I think it’s so conniving that she has told you not to tell him. You have more loyalty to your spouse than anyone else you have mentioned

@Jamboree01

This is none of her husbands business Keeping a friends confidence is fine, you don't have to tell your husband your friends business. No different than if Sarah had had a termination & wanted to keep it private. It's not being disloyal to your husband not to tell them other people's personal stuff.

Exactly! I find it really odd when people say they have to tell their husband/wife everything, especially if it's someone else's business. No you don't!

I can't even tell my husband because they work next to each other everyday and she doesn't want to lose his respect, I think even he would probably tell me not to tell Emma because he adores Sarah too and would do anything for her.

Maybe she doesn’t want your husband to know because he’s her other boyfriend and she doesn’t want him to get jealous?

I’m joking (sort of). But seriously Sarah and John have chucked a grenade into John’s marriage and their friends lives. Neither of them are in any position to ask for favours and if Sarah can betray one friend she can betray another (you). If John can betray Emma he can betray Sarah at a later date, he's no prize. They’re both shit heads. I’d talk to John and tell him he has 48 hours to come clean to his wife or you will tell her. She deserves to know, even if ended the friendship between you and Emma. Maybe she already knows/suspects her husband is cheating just doesn’t know it’s with her “friend”. Sarah is no loss.

I wouldn't be able to fuck up by best friends life and wouldn't want to lose our friendship so I wouldn't tell. But I'd certainly be telling her how disgusted I am and I wouldn't be her shoulder to cry on about it.

I would be shocked and pissed off like you OP but in this position ultimately I would stick by my best friend and not tell anyone.

What were you expecting Sarah to say when you asked why John was there @MachineGinKelly?

Did you have suspicions or did you assume it was completely innocent and were just curious?
I guess from Sarah's perspective, you did ask the question. If she'd lied and said he was fixing something or dropping something off, would that have been better?

I wouldn’t give a 💩 about being ostracised from a group. Talk to your husband and take it from there. I think it’s so conniving that she has told you not to tell him. You have more loyalty to your spouse than anyone else you have mentioned.

This is how women end up isolated in controlling relationships. Carelessly throwing away friendship groups, believing the relationship trumps everything. Very Disney and not very feminist.Yes your DH might be a bit miffed you didn't tell him (if he finds out you knew- how would he?). But this is unlikely to endanger your marriage, it isn't your role to never allow your DH to be slightly annoyed with you.

Sarah shouldn't have told you, but you don't have the full story, maybe Emma is also having an affair, maybe your DH already knows.I think the advice to encourage the affair partners to come clean of their own volition is excellent. I would suggest Sarah has told you in order for you to do her dirty work for her. I would keep schtum.

Tell your DH. That’s unfair to make that request. I think you and your DH need to decide what to do between you. She’s not your best friend though is she? She’s a liar and a user. You need to rethink this friendship. She’s deliberately fucked a friends husband. She could have picked any man. She’s disgusting and how you can bear to be near her I don’t know. Tell Emma. That poor woman has been lied to for 4 years. She deserves to know while she’s young enough to move on and I’d also suggest all of your friendship group keep your husbands away from Sarah. She has no morals

munchiemunch
Again the primacy of the romantic relationship (one of two which end in divorce) why ?

I would tell your husband, when it eventually comes out which I’m sure it will one way or another, would your husband be bothered if you’d kept it from him too? It sounds like he thinks as much of Sarah as you do so I’d tell him and make a decision together.

I’d really be questioning my relationship with Sarah if I were you, I wouldn’t be comfortable knowing my best friend was doing that to another women and children. Then burdening you with it and expecting you to keep it from your husband. She seems selfish.

I would treat it as none of my business, stay out of the whole thing, ask that I hear no further details. I've been in this situation and considered it none of my business.

I would definitely talk to my husband - I'd need someone else to talk to about this and there's no reason for you to have to keep anything from him if you don't want just because Sarah told you to. I'd tell Sarah this.

That said, if Sarah was my best friend, I'd very likely stick by her and not tell anyone else. Plus you don't need the stress of having to tell Emma who will either by very upset at the situation or angry at you. I'd let Sarah know what I was thinking and advise her and / or Emma's husband to tell Emma, and to tell her soon! You don't want to have to be around Emma and your other friends feeling guilty about this when you've not done anything wrong. And of course Emma deserves to know the truth as soon as possible.

I suppose it depends how much you want to stay really close to Sarah. I wouldn't tell her yet. They've been having an affair for 4 years, so a few more months won't make a difference. I would maybe try and tell Emma anonymously, but not right now.

I'd be telling my DP.

It's nothing to do with whether it's his business or whether spouses should tell each other "everything". It's because the point of a partner is to have someone to turn to when you have a dilemma and talk things over with. This is one of those times. OP needs to talk through this (with someone IRL as well as MN!) and her DH is there for that.

Telling Emma? Oh, it's so easy for us to say that's the right thing to do when we're not actually involved in the situation... but even if we're right it's a damned hard thing to just lob a bombshell like this into a friendship group. I can sit here and type "tell Emma, she'd want to know, Sarah's behaviour is awful and you don't owe her any loyalty" but if I'm being honest with myself I think if this happened in my social circle I'd be keeping quiet and backing as far away as possible.

I would definitely be telling Sarah in no uncertain terms how wrong her behaviour is, though. Best friends should be able to give and take the harsh truth from each other when it's needed.

Something else I would do is begin nurturing different social circles because this one is going to explode sooner rather than later.

I think she has put you in a difficult position TBH. Whatever you decide to do you cant win! I would be inclined to not say anything .It is not your place and if it does all come out then you wont be mixed up in it .Maybe his wife has an inkling anyway .

Being honest, I would tell her that while I love her, I don't want to hear about it. I wouldn't keep it from my husband, and would tell her that I would be doing so. And then I wouldn't tell anyone else.

I'd remind her though of the hurt that she/he would be on their way to causing, and that the likelihood that he would leave his family for her was slim.

I would definitely talk to my husband - I'd need someone else to talk to about this

I'd question this, what would you need to talk about ? Remember her DH works with Sarah, that's putting him in a very difficult position. These are all adults not 14 year olds, part of being an adult is sometimes having to keep your own counsel.