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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

906 replies

MachineGinKelly · 03/04/2021 02:44

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

OP posts:
MoChridhe · 03/04/2021 03:56

Definitely tell your husband if you want to. Why should Sarah create issues in your marriage? She is your best friend but you are not her best friend. She has kept a 4 year affair secret from you.

timeisnotaline · 03/04/2021 04:01

I’d tell my husband. Immediately. Sarah’s wishes are in no way binding on you.
I have no idea what to do after that though. She might be your best friend but can you continue hanging out? I think I’d have to say I need a pause. I can’t just pretend everything’s normal, it’s not.

makingmammaries · 03/04/2021 04:04

Hello, Daily Fail

Selttan · 03/04/2021 04:06

I'd find it really hard to stay friends with someone like Sarah.

Her morals are questionable having an affair with any married man but to make it worse with a friends husband.

How will you feel going forward being around the group knowing what you know and seeing Sarah acting all friendly to Emma?

Upsidedownpineapplecake · 03/04/2021 04:10

She is your best friend. Is keeping her secret the best for her really? Just because she asked you don’t have to.
When you asked what John was doing there she choose to tell you the truth because if she had lied you could have told Emma the lie and then it would most likely all come out. She’s has not told you the truth because your are her friend but because it was the only way to keep her secrets

billy1966 · 03/04/2021 04:10

Very upsetting.

In principle I am in the camp of keeping friends confidences private and husbands dont need to know.

But this confidence actually now includes you in an ongoing lie, so it is different, and because it is upsetting you.

I think what Sarah is doing is disgusting and it would really completely change how I would view her.
For 4 years she has been lying to you too.
Lying to you about who she is.

I think she is slime to have a four year affair with a friends husband.

She has shown you OP who she is.
Zero loyalty to anyone.

She is NOT the friend you think she is.
Good friends, decent people, do NOT do this.

Going off with a friends husband is really dregs of society stuff.

It shows a complete lack of basic decency.
I think in these circumstances you don't owe her continued loyalty.

Tell your husband if you wish.
I would be mortified if a friend of mine behaved so badly.

OP, she certainly isn't best friend material.
She's one of those people that would shaft a friend if it came to it.

She decided to do the dirt on her friend.
These things don't happen by accident.

She made a decision to do this.
This is who she is.

Flowers
eaglejulesk · 03/04/2021 04:10

I wouldn't tell Emma, as it's not your place to. I would however tell your husband, and if I were you I would be cooling my friendship with Sarah.

Lex345 · 03/04/2021 04:19

Sarah has put you in a horrible position OP and I would be telling her as much. There is no way I would keep such a secret from my husband and I don't think Sarah should be asking you to either. At the moment it is bad enough for you to passively keep the secret-but what if he sees John going into Sarah's-will Sarah expect you to lie for her as well? I think you should speak to Sarah and make clear this is not the kind of information you can hide from your husband. This affair has already likely destroyed one marriage; don't let it damage the trust in yours as well.

As for telling Emma, the right thing to do probably is to tell her-but I don't think you should, you have already unwittingly been involved in this more than you should. Sarah and John need to come clean. But that is on them, not you.

gonnabeok · 03/04/2021 04:23

I was in this position years ago. I worked with a man and knew his wife and children and we lived in the same street. This man was also a friend of my husband. I was also friendly with a couple in the same street, especially the woman of the couple.

One evening the man I worked with came to my house seemingly for a chat. Within five minutes of him turning up the female neighbour turned up too. At first I thought it was a coincidence, then they both told me what had been going on between them for a year.

I was so angry they had brought this information to me. His wife had just had her third child. I told him I would give him 2 weeks to tell his wife or I would tell her. As soon as they gave me that information they had no control over what I would do with it. Looking back I think maybe they did it to progress their situation somehow.

In the end, the female neighbour left her husband and rented a flat for her and my colleague only my colleague never left his wife in the end. He and his wife and family moved house a short while after and a year later they split up.

Your friend I would suggest is not that much of a friend to put this burden in you and she has given you this information for a reason. She wants to progress her situation in some way.

Only you can decide what to do with the information. Dont keep it from your husband. If it comes out in future your husband will be very hurt when he finds out you didn't tell him. Your husband trumps your best friend in this situation. It's his choice how he chooses to use the information.

You've been put in a very difficult situation and a very unfair one and when it all blows up you live in the same street. I'm sure Sarah hasn't told John that you now know.

If it was me I'd be telling John I know and giving him a period in which to tell his wife. Once John knows you knows I doubt he will see Sarah in the same light. If he doesn't tell Emma I'd be telling her but that's me.

catmumandhumanmum · 03/04/2021 04:37

YABU to keep it a secret, how could you ever look Emma in the eye knowing she's being deceived. Sarah isn't a good friend, she isn't who you thought she was, if you want to share with your DH then do, maybe she even tries it on with your husband.

Northofsomewhere · 03/04/2021 04:46

For me the revelation not only that John was cheating (long term affair, not one night stand) and Sarah was an equal party to this would make me reconsider my relationship with them. While Sarah didn't make any vows she was obviously aware of his relationship long before anything happened and has betrayed her friend and been a partner in his cheating. I think it suggests she's selfish and uncaring about how her actions will impact other people, she didn't unwittingly start a relationship with someone she thought was single which I would have slightly more sympathy for.

I would also tell your husband if you wanted to - I certainly would in the absence of a best friend to talk to. I think she's told you this for a reason (would you have any reason to suspect an affair?) so either it's eating her up or she wants his wife to find out. I'd also definitely be considering talking to John, telling him you know and that Emma needs to know and the affair stop. He can split with Emma for Sarah, split or remain together but people need to start being honest, they're adults and there's consequences.

I just couldn't imagine being Emma right now and it would make me see Sarah and John in an entirely new light and I would feel shaken by Sarah's actions in party because of the trust built in that relationship. I'm really sorry you've been put in this position but in your shoes I don't think I could keep it to myself.

JollyJlly · 03/04/2021 04:57

I agree with @Onesailwait. Best friend trumps all. Difficult situation, relationships especially other people’s are difficult. You have no idea what’s going on inside the marriage. Best thing is to stay out of it.

Jamboree01 · 03/04/2021 05:11

@JollyJlly

I agree with *@Onesailwait*. Best friend trumps all. Difficult situation, relationships especially other people’s are difficult. You have no idea what’s going on inside the marriage. Best thing is to stay out of it.
Thankfully my best friends never lied their arses off about shagging my other friend’s husband for four years. And then have the temerity to throw me into the fire of wondering what to do about it.

Sarah’s best friend is Sarah.

I agree that OP should stay out of it but ignore ‘best friend’ Sarah’s dictat to not tell her own husband.

Op will probably discover that Sarah has said similar to OPs husband.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/04/2021 05:25
  1. Sarah isnt a good friend. Shes a cheating cow who has knowingly been seeing a married father of young kids for four years. She and John lost any right to sympathy and support when they started down this road.
  2. talk to your husband. 100%. He deserves your honesty far more than Sarah deserves anything.
  3. talk to John. Tell him he tells Emma or you do.

He wont leave his wife.

Sarah is a piece of work and I wouldnr be continuing that particular friendship.

Jamboree01 · 03/04/2021 05:31

💯 agree

Jamboree01 · 03/04/2021 05:34

@gonnabeok

I was in this position years ago. I worked with a man and knew his wife and children and we lived in the same street. This man was also a friend of my husband. I was also friendly with a couple in the same street, especially the woman of the couple.

One evening the man I worked with came to my house seemingly for a chat. Within five minutes of him turning up the female neighbour turned up too. At first I thought it was a coincidence, then they both told me what had been going on between them for a year.

I was so angry they had brought this information to me. His wife had just had her third child. I told him I would give him 2 weeks to tell his wife or I would tell her. As soon as they gave me that information they had no control over what I would do with it. Looking back I think maybe they did it to progress their situation somehow.

In the end, the female neighbour left her husband and rented a flat for her and my colleague only my colleague never left his wife in the end. He and his wife and family moved house a short while after and a year later they split up.

Your friend I would suggest is not that much of a friend to put this burden in you and she has given you this information for a reason. She wants to progress her situation in some way.

Only you can decide what to do with the information. Dont keep it from your husband. If it comes out in future your husband will be very hurt when he finds out you didn't tell him. Your husband trumps your best friend in this situation. It's his choice how he chooses to use the information.

You've been put in a very difficult situation and a very unfair one and when it all blows up you live in the same street. I'm sure Sarah hasn't told John that you now know.

If it was me I'd be telling John I know and giving him a period in which to tell his wife. Once John knows you knows I doubt he will see Sarah in the same light. If he doesn't tell Emma I'd be telling her but that's me.

And this.

There are three beautifully worded posts on this thread and this is one of them

Suzi888 · 03/04/2021 05:34

Well this friendship group is doomed regardless! What a mess, I think John is as much to blame as Sarah. I’d tell Sarah that I can’t continue the friendship knowing this lie, which has now implicated you and you’ll be blamed by all parties when the truth comes out. I’d absolutely tell your DH if nothing else!

Jamboree01 · 03/04/2021 05:36

Not really a friendship group really at all is it?

Two people manipulating/ deceiving others is the extent of it

savethatkitty01 · 03/04/2021 05:37

I'd be more concerned with Sarah taking dibs at your husband, seeing as they work together! She's already shown she doesn't care about anyone else

Reinventinganna · 03/04/2021 05:40

She’s not as close a friend as you thought if she’s been doing this for 4 years.
What if it was your husband?

Jamboree01 · 03/04/2021 05:47

I’m wondering now if she has tried (no offence or hurt meant OP) but the whole ‘don’t tell him’ thing when he works with her every day has made me wonder

SmellsLikeWineIGuess · 03/04/2021 06:01

I’d be telling Sarah that she’s selfishly put you in a completely impossible situation, and if she were you, what exactly would she do?

I would be telling her that I’m stepping back from the friendship until this all inevitably implodes.

You will be hated by the wronged parties for either being the messenger, or for being the secret-keeper.

Lucky you.

Esquire3 · 03/04/2021 06:09

Definitely tell your husband because she seems to thrive off being secretive and a marriage wrecker,tell her its not something you agree with & being a married woman it doesn't sit well on your conscious to know what's she doing,when she gets found out it will come out that you knew and you don't want your hubby thinking you and bestie keep secrets about extra marital affairs,watch your hubby with her too because she has no morals

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/04/2021 06:12

How on Earth can Sarah think it ok to ask you to keep this from your dh?

She has no right to put any expectations on you. She wants someone to confide in and lean on. There is no way on Earth I would agree to that. She sounds very immature and tone deaf. It’s not going the way she want with John by the sound of it and her attitude would make me think decidedly less of her.

You sound honourable and conflicted. I would also be and I don’t see how your friendship can continue as it has been. She’s been lying to you for 4 years and lying to Emma. She didn’t take the vows. But she’s happy to blow up a relationship and friendship over sex with a man, who is unlikely to leave his wife.

John obviously is the rat here but he isn’t the one, you are focused on.

freeingNora · 03/04/2021 06:17

Sarah is not your friend she's just thrown you and your friendship under a bus

I'd also question your closeness has she been your support through the pandemic to keep tabs on John given he and your husband work together 4 years is a long time

I'd tell your husband first and foremost and to hell with the consequences Emma deserves someone in her corner who can be honest how humiliating to learn everybody knew