Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

@savethatkitty01

I'd be more concerned with Sarah taking dibs at your husband, seeing as they work together! She's already shown she doesn't care about anyone else

This.

Sarah has shown she is a person of low morals who sleeps with married men and helps hurt wives and children.

Sarah is “adored” by your husband.

She may well have already had a crack at your husband, or will in future. I wouldn’t trust her.

I know of a few sad single women who do this, as an ego boost. They tend to be popular with married men who are looking for an ego-boost, or the potential for a bit of strange.

I don’t know if I would tell Emma, but I wouldn’t stay friends with Sarah.

I would not hesitate to cut Sarah out. She is vile. Do the right thing

I would tell John that you know and he has a couple of weeks to make his decision and after that if the affair continues/ he doesn't tell Emma you will be talking to Emma. You may lose your friendship group but can you honestly see yourself going out together for a fun night out in the same way again anyway?

@Onesailwait I agree. I’d be doing the same. She’s your best friend.

** Sarah has shown she is a person of low morals who sleeps with married men and helps hurt wives and children.

Sarah is “adored” by your husband.**

^This. She isn’t much of a friend keeping this secret from you for 4 years. Your friendship is doomed and I wouldn’t forgive her for putting you in this situation. I wouldn’t keep this from your husband either. She’ll feed you to the wolves when news of the affair eventually breaks out.

Op be careful of your own husband around Sarah, if she can stab one friend in the back by having an affair with her husband then what is to stop her doing the same to you..

Also don't keep any secrets for her from your husband,...

I think I would talk to john in confidence..it sounds like she has a case of "the other woman delusions" where she believes he loves her, and will leave his wife for her, and in most cases they don't...in fact I bet if John thought his affair was going to be exposed and had to choose he would choose his wife.....speak to John, both of you (you and your husband together)...make him see sense and ask him what he is doing treating his wife like this by having an affair......if he says he wants to be with Sarah then you and your husband should suggest that he tells his wife the truth...

Don't keep secrets for any of them though

But op after knowing that about her I wouldnt be able to look at her the same, she's shown her true colours of what her morals are and how low she will stoop...don't ever let her get the chance to do the same with your husband because she would do the same to you

Same as others are saying- tell John that he has a certain amount of time to tell Emma or you will. And tell your husband. My “friend” knew about the OW and even ate out at dinner with me and my exH one night then them (exH and ow) another night the same week. She didn’t tell me- but was useful when I found out about OW- I told her she had one last Chance to save our friendship by telling me everything she knew, and after she did I told her I never wanted to hear from her again and that no friend could do that to me.

IsIgnoranceBliss and savethatkitty01 both share my thoughts. I used to work with a Sarah who was having so many affairs at the same time, that I don't know how she ever kept track of her life.

She had tried it on with all the husbands and the wives had been told the same as your Sarah has told you...keep this between us and don't tell your DH.

Emma has every right to know, I can never understand anyone who says keep out of it it's not your business. Well, hello, it 'is' your business now since Sarah told you the secret and then said not to share the info. How would you feel in Emma's shoes? then later finding out that other people knew?

I would never keep a secret like this from DH (specially when they work together) and I would meet Emma for lunch or a walk in the park, she needs you on her side because her DH is definitely not putting her first in their marriage.

@LatteLoverLovesLattes

Talk to your husband and take it from there. I think it’s so conniving that she has told you not to tell him. You have more loyalty to your spouse than anyone else you have mentioned

@Jamboree01

This is none of her husbands business Keeping a friends confidence is fine, you don't have to tell your husband your friends business. No different than if Sarah had had a termination & wanted to keep it private. It's not being disloyal to your husband not to tell them other people's personal stuff.

This is a very different situation.

What Sarah is doing is wrong. She knows that as she has kept it secret from you, her best friend, for 4 years. Now she has decided she "had" to tell you she is asking you to keep it secret from your DH.

So now you, a totally innocent party, are left being the one not sleeping at night and worrying and stressing over the best thing to do, while she sleeps well dreaming of the wonderful new life she is about to have with this married man who is going to abandon his dw and dc to be with her.

You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. You can't know the best choice because there isn't one and because it involves other people whatever you choose has an impact on other people's lives.

Ok, so you know John. Is it at all possible that he was just having a "fling" but months and months of lockdown stuck inside with his DW and DC mean he's deluded about the easier life once he is with Sarah, who is child free and fun? While his DW is probably stressed and harassed homeschooling and running a house while he is probably distracted because all he can think about is Sarah? Is there a chance that once lockdown is over, he's back at work and the kids are back at school, that he will feel less like he needs to leave his DW?

If so you might be best just leaving it. As long as Sarah doesn't decide to tell Emma if John changes his mind!

Any option stinks for you. If you have a strong marriage and usually share everything (or most things!) I would be tempted to tell your DH. If you don't tell him the biggest impact for you could be him finding out in the future and being hurt or upset that you didn't tell him. You know your dh and what he is likely to think or feel if you don't tell him.

After that...how important is the bigger group to you compared to your friendship with Sarah? If Sarah is more important than the rest of them keep quiet. If not, is there anyone else in the group you can talk to?

Also if John leaves to be with Sarah, be prepared for Sarah to drop you as she is immersed in her lovely new relationship and being a step mum, and for her to come running back when things don't go so well.

I've been the friend who stood back when my best friend had an affair. I knew her dh but not well and I didn't know the other couple at all. It was a horrible situation to be in and I feel for you. Sarah has done what so many having an affair do...think only of themselves in telling you. I am no longer friends with my old best friend as she used me horribly during the whole thing for her own selfish desires and while she is still with her DH I just allowed the friendship to drift apart. I miss her but she became someone I didn't know or like very much.

So sorry this is so long but I really feel for you. This is an awful situation that she has put you in. Good luck with whatever you decide, even if that is just to say nothing...I'm which case maybe tell Sarah you know but you don't want to hear anything more about it so you can distance yourself a little.

Wooooow.
Well I'd refuse to keep the secret from my husband, after all secrets between partners is how shit like that gets bad.

As for telling Emma.... maybe tell Sarah that she needs to tell John that you know and give him the chance to come clean to his wife before you do anything.

I agree with @NoIDontWatchLoveIsland’s suggestions. My utmost loyalty would be with my husband and I would tell him immediately.

There’s no way I would be dancing to Sarah’s tune. She and John are conniving snakes who have been humiliating Emma for 4 long years. Emma has every right to know the TRUTH about her life. I would give John one week to tell her or I would.

MGK, would you want to be kept in the dark if your husband was cheating?

In your situation I would keep out of it because she is your best friend but I wouldn’t keep it from my husband.

Sarah doesn't see friends husbands as off limits that alone would make me end that friendship. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who could be that callous towards another friend. Yes he is the one who is married but she can't argue that she wasn't aware. She deliberately chose to put her happiness above that of another women who she knows and her children. She shouldn't have told you and made you complicit. I would be telling him to tell Emma in the next two weeks and if he didn't I would tell myself. You will probably lose a lot of friends though, are you string enough for that?

Tell Sarah that you don't keep secrets from your husband, and then talk this through with him.

If I was Emma, I'd want to know. But I do understand your dilemma and loyalty to your best friend. I think I'd tell her that it's time to tell Emma or end it, or you'll tell her yourself. Give them the opportunity to belatedly do the honourable thing.

It is a shame for your friendship group as I doubt it will survive.

Your friend has been a bad friend to you because she has knowingly put you in a horrible situation- certainly it is very unfair of her to instruct you not to tell your husband. There are no winners in this. Emma will find out eventually and will know that you knew. Regardless, this is likely to lead to the breakup of your group. In your shoes I would rip off the plaster and tell Emma, and I’d tell Sarah after I had done it. In Emma’s shoes I’d really want to know so I could make an informed decision about how I wanted to move on with my life. By hiding it you are letting this awful man get away with cheating on his wife. Call out bad behaviour- every time.

Tell your husband definitely.

Whether you tell Emma or not depends on at which point Sarah asked you not to say anything.
If she said "I'll tell you but you must promise not to tell anyone..." and you accepted the information on that basis, then you can't really tell Emma.
However, of she said "we've been having an affair... But you can't say anything" then she gave the information willingly and asked you to hide it afterwards, thereby giving you the position to say "I'm not comfortable hiding that" and telling the relevant parties.

It's tricky, but I would certainly be telling my husband, and probably Emma too.

@PurpleFlower1983

In your situation I would keep out of it because she is your best friend but I wouldn’t keep it from my husband.

Same here. If she truly is your best friend she will understand you will tell your dh.

Speak to your husband. She has no right to dictate what is spoken about within your marriage.

It is fine for there to be things you choose not to tell your husband. It’s not fine for someone to tell you not to tell your husband.

I would break this down:

1. I couldn’t continue to be friends with Sarah as her behaviour is appalling, however much I loved her, I couldn’t support her in that. I would resent that she had given me the burden of knowing as well.
2. If she’s happy to sleep with one husband, who knows how many others she would sleep with? For this reason, I would have to tell my husband that I had just discovered she had been having an affair with a married man for four years and explain why I was dropping her. I would watch his reaction carefully to see if he knew already. I wouldn’t tell him who it was as that’s not fair on him to bear the burden.
3. I wouldn’t tell Emma as there is a chance this might go away and I wouldn’t want to be the person to break up her marriage. But I would probably have a word with John and remind him what he was risking.
4. My loyalty would stay entirely with Emma.

I’d resent being put in this position by a friend, and I’d tell her so. Think I’d tell her I would keep it secret for now but not forever, and suggest a time limit for her coming clean to Emma before you (at least) discuss it with your husband.

I once kept my nose out of a small secret, (nothing like on the scale of seriousness of your issue) that affected two mutual friends. When it came out, I was the one who received the brunt of the hurt friends wrath, it was me who she felt had let her down and deceived, betrayed and humiliated her and it was horrible to be in that position. I would definitely tell DH to make him aware, he'll notice if you start to cool your friendship with Sarah so better to be honest. She doesn't get to dictate what goes on in your marriage, and you'll need his support when this all blows up.

I honestly think there is always fallout over this type of situation, and sadly the innocent party will often end up being stuck in the middle, no matter what you do. I think you'll probably find this is the start of the end of both friendships, so I would withdraw from both of them and start coming to terms with that now. Don't be the messenger, as that will get more messy. But I would refuse to speak about it any further with your friend.

Tell your husband. She doesn’t have any right to ask you not to do that.

As PPs have mentioned it will all come out one day and the shit will hit the fan. “Oh and OP knew” will definitely come out too. So your DH needs to know.

Personally.. I wouldn’t tell Emma. I’d tell my DH and then tell Sarah I won’t share her secret further but want nothing more to do with it. You don’t want to discuss the affair and you definitely don’t want to ever help facilitate it.

Sarah doesn't see friends husbands as off limits that alone would make me end that friendship

^ this.

Also something similar happened to some Mums who I knew from the playground. The one Mum who stood by her friend ie you in this case, was completely ostracised by everyone else because how could she remain friends with someone who literally put a bomb inside someone else's marriage and their children's lives too?

I also questioned this friend and asked her how could she stay friends with her, her answer was because she felt sorry for her that she now had no friends. I then asked her how she would feel if the husband she had slept with was hers and she watched someone still supporting her? She had never considered being Emma in your situation.

I think Sarah is scum, yes I have a best friend but my absolute loyalty is to Dh and he is my absolute best friend above all. Would it feel different if this was your Dh she had been having an affair with? Of course it would. Poor Emma.

In your case I would tell your Dh to help you talk it through what you do next. Quite frankly I think a 4 year affair is disgusting. What if she got pregnant? Have you not read how devastating affairs are on the Relationships board on here?

It’s nothing to do with you. Keep out of it and don’t get involved in other people’s relationships. Affairs have been going on since time began I’m always shocked when people are surprised.

I agree that Sarah showed you her true colours. She’s a selfish liar with low moral. She had an affair with her friend’s husband over years. She told you just because she had no choice, with current situation any other explanation wouldn’t work, and now she’s saying that you’re her friend and she needs your support. She’s just using you how it suits her. You owe her nothing.
I’m not sure how and what to tell Emma, if anything but I’m 100% certain that you need to tell your DH about this. I don’t like the sound of idea that he adores Sarah. And I wouldn’t tell Sarah what you are going to do, it’s your business and between you and your DH. And I wouldn’t want her to know that your DH knows and as she could start selling him her side of the story, confiding in him and so on.