SAHM - does that mean I have to do pretty much everything?

[squishmittens]

I am a SAHM - we have a 4 year old in reception and a 2 year old at home full time. DH works from home full time. His regular chores are:

Putting out the wheelie bins (not taking the rubbish from inside bin to outside, just putting the wheelie bins on the curb once a week).

Walking and feeding the dog twice a day (he likes this - I'm basically not allowed to walk the dog as this is his time for fresh air).

Mowing the lawn

Any adhoc diy job/repair as absolutely necessary (e.g. fixing broken oven, washing machine, so stuff we can't live without - maintenance work that can wait is never done).

Puts one child to bed (we each take one child and swap each night)

He very occasionally loads/unloads the dishwasher and hoovers the lounge - maybe once or twice a month.

I do literally every other home and child related activity. I'm fed up of all of it. I think my DH should do more, he obviously doesn't and now I feel like a maid. I'm thinking of going back to work and paying for nursery/cleaner/after school clubs etc. otherwise I feel like I'm going to lose it. AIBU?

Thanks for replies everyone, I am reading them. I have to sneak off to Mumsnet, otherwise I get children and DH stalking me lol.

I have no problem doing all the childcare and domestic chores Monday to Friday, 6am - 6pm, but chores don't stop at 6pm. If a child's bum needs wiping, or dinner dishes clearing and putting in dishwasher, a sibling fight needs breaking up, children's toys picking up off the floor, coats/shoes moved from the floor to the wardrobe, a child is crying after bedtime etc, etc, I still have to do it. This is the stuff that drives me mental. There is a general assumption that I am the default for all things domestic at all times.

He would walk past a puddle of wee on the bathroom floor and just ignore it!! He has never put something away or wiped a surface ever. Ever.

Your DH sounds great! I think you are tired. Which is not surprising. Get a cleaner, some childcare and sleep more in the day at least once a week. Prioritise rest. Your relationship will thank you.

@Mumloveswine

Your husband sounds like he does quite a bit to be fair if you’re a stay at home mum. I pay half the bills, own 80% of the house (bigger deposit), do all the housework and look after the kids 90% of the time. My husband has never put them to bed or read them a story let’s put it that way. I also do all the painting, and DIY. If you started to work, do you not just think you’ll have to do all the chores anyway and then have to work also? I think women should stay at home and do all the “wife” and “mum” stuff. At least you know where you stand.

Bloody hell. Just because you are happy being mugged off dont behave as if this is something to aspire to. When I read this sort of shit I always wonder who would want a relationship with a man who doesnt actually want to spend time with their children

To those who have trouble grasping the concept of being a SAHM - you are a stay-at-home MUM. Not a stay-at-home cleaner / general dogsbody.

When your DH goes to work, I’m sure he has his job spec / role, doesn’t he? Is he expected to clean the offices and do all manner of other things at the same time? No he is not.

Your role in looking after those children is more than enough and almost certainly a hell of a lot more important than anything he’s doing at work. So stop doubting yourself. Set the record straight and stop accepting crap from him or anybody else.

OP, when my kids were little (there was a time I had 4 under 7), I had a cleaner come two days a week for 5 hours each time. Housework was not my focus and my DH wouldn’t have wanted me to be distracted from the kids because of that. That’s not what I was at home for. Yes, obviously I was tidying up as I went and whatever, but I wasn’t standing there ironing or vacuuming. I had too much to do, just with school runs for the older ones and everything in between with the younger ones.

I could have had help in the form of an au-pair or similar, but I’m not comfortable with people hanging round in my own home and I just found it tiring in a different way - ie. someone else to think about / manage. But I made sure we had things planned everyday, meeting up with people, etc. It was tiring, but fun. I left a good job to focus on my kids. I certainly didn’t leave to do housework. Never even crossed my mind.

My DH used to travel a lot. But I never resented his lack of housework - I just outsourced it. When he was home, he wanted to do bedtimes with me etc and we just got in with it. If we were too tired to cook, there was Deliveroo. The early years are full-on, so you do what you need to do.

That question in your OP - please don’t ever ask that again. Know your value. If he can’t / won’t help out with housework, then don’t stress, just outsource it and focus on enjoying your kids. Start as you mean to go on. Don’t ask him, just tell him. These years are amazing - please don’t let them slip by in resentment. Good luck!

@mealsonwheelz

Your DH sounds great! I think you are tired. Which is not surprising. Get a cleaner, some childcare and sleep more in the day at least once a week. Prioritise rest. Your relationship will thank you.

In what way is he great? Can you point out where he is great? Most of his jobs are not even weekly. His one consistent thing is dog walking. Such low expectations of men in this place.

I am the breadwinner in my household and my DH could give up work and be a SAHP if he wanted (he doesn't!) but if he was at home I would still 100% expect to do 50% of the childcare/housework when I wasn't working.

The only exception to that would be if all DC were at school when I think it's reasonable for a SAHP to do most of the housework during the school day. With preschoolers though I'd expect childcare only with as much general keeping on top of daily mess as could be sensibly managed.

The idea that working 9-5 5 days a week absolves you from doing pretty much everything else apart from wheeling a bin 10 feet once a week and faffing about in the garden is madness!

I can only assume that people who think this is ok have had to convince themselves of that as a way of coping with the fact that their DH/DP is taking the piss.

I’m a sahm. I have a cleaner. I rarely clean or tidy excessively. She’s round 3 times a week. I love it. Best investment we ever did.

My husband does it all at the weekend. But then I homeschool full time. So I’m with the children 24/7. During the week it’s mainly me. I do the bedtimes mostly. But he’s there helping.

I thought like you for a long time. If he works. I’m the sahm. I do everything else. But I got burnt out. I’m also not well and spend longer periods in hospital. At which time he does everything. Work. Schooling. Tidying cooking. The lot. But yes. We outsource as much as possible as such. His family are okd school. The wife cleans and cooks. The husband works. I sometimes get sly digs. But very rarely now. But I don’t care anymore. I’m lucky. My in laws are really lovely.

It will build up resentment however if you let it. It starts being I did this!! Well I did this AND this!! Now I’m just like. Nope. Can’t do it. Lols. So he does. It took about 5 years to work it out though.

@Pumperthepumper

If you go back to work though will you not end up juggling work plus children plus housework? I’ve never had a cleaner who’d do laundry and stuff.

To me, being a SAHM is childcare. So in the same way you wouldn’t expect your childminder to Hoover your house, any other chores should be shared.

That’s a really good way of looking at it!

You need to talk about chores working out what he is going to help you with.
A SAHM a fair share of child caring and housework but not including bins/ lawns unless you like it.
Just remember the added pressures of working full time working parent and your husband needs to be supportive to make it work and keep the house functioning, it could be more hard work so don't do because you are resentful.
Personally I think you need some you time and something besides being a mum- hobby, friends, outside family life or return to work.

Try being a single Mum.... I work 4 days per week, do all the housework, diy, put the bins out, mow the lawn, do the laundry, cook the meals, put kids to bed etc etc... your life sounds idyllic to me 🤣

The idea that working 9-5 5 days a week absolves you from doing pretty much everything else apart from wheeling a bin 10 feet once a week and faffing about in the garden is madness

Likewise you could easily turn that and say that parenting your own children absolves you from having to pay anything towards your own costs and those of the children.

Yes it's exactly people like @IceCreamAndCandyfloss's extraordinarily regressive views that parenting your children is "not contributing to the household" that keeps women in this position.

OP you're completely reasonable aiming for a more equitable split when your partner's home, please ignore the comments from the 1940s.

I'm sorry but nothing will convince me that one parent working during the week means that the other parent should be responsible for all childcare and household responsibilities 24/7 365 days a year.

If neither parent does the childcare then that needs to be outsourced and paid for. Unless you are very lucky there isn't an option where you both work and the children are cared for with no financial cost.

If, in order to earn money, you were required to do a job where you were on duty 24/7 with no days off then maybe but that isn't the case.

It should be a team effort, sitting down and watching tv whilst your team mate continues working is pretty shitty behaviour whichever way you cut it.

YANBU. That’s a totally unfair split OP. No wonder you feel like a maid.

You should do much if the day to day running of the home plus childcare.

@Hesma

Try being a single Mum.... I work 4 days per week, do all the housework, diy, put the bins out, mow the lawn, do the laundry, cook the meals, put kids to bed etc etc... your life sounds idyllic to me 🤣

I'm a single mum and still don't think this comment is anywhere near useful. For me, one of the unexpected benefits of him moving out was that I was still doing most of the same jobs, but without the infuriating knowledge that he was home but not helping, and that I didn't have to thank anyone for occasionally putting on a washing machine load. Turns out that he also created quite a lot of housework, and that without him I ate simple stuff with the kids or had some toast after they went to bed, so I saved time (and money and calories) that way too.

Personally I think that when children are home full time, the SAHP should be considered like a nanny with a bit of extra house stuff that's easier when you are wahm and can be done around a toddler, like doing the laundry or queueing at the Post Office. All the rest should be shared, it's a busy job as it is!

Once kids are all at school or nursery, then I'd only consider a sahp if the point was for them to take over all the family and household jobs during the week during term time, from the hoovering to the life insurance, so that we could all enjoy leisure time in the evenings and on weekends.

While he's at work you do everything with the children/home. When you're both at home you share the parenting, tidying, cooking, washing up etc 50/50, making sure you each get time to relax as well. That's fair in my opinion.

Also I don't think they're should be his jobs and your jobs, mix it up so you both know how to do everything.

How is the OP supposed to sleep during the day when she has a two year old. As if that makes up for broken sleep in the night or her DH being useless.

“Likewise you could easily turn that and say that parenting your own children absolves you from having to pay anything towards your own costs and those of the children.”

Well it absolutely does because you can’t look after children and be at work, can you? Anymore than you can be at work and looking after children?

job 1 - childcare
job 2 - whatever he does 9-5 or whatever.

Housework, laundry, etc are just basic life tasks that the couple can either do between them or pay someone else to do. I would suggest the latter.

When people are at work in an office, are they worrying about dust in the floor and running round with a vacuum? Of course not.

If you pay a nursery worker to occupy, educate, take care of your child, you would be livid if they just say them on the floor while she focused on dusting instead, wouldn’t you? It’s a job.,

Being a SAH MUM is not the same as being a SAH general dogsbody. Please stop being confused.

Have you tried just not doing stuff op? I told my H that I was no longer going to do x,y and z because I didn’t think it was fair and then I stopped. I didn’t ask for his opinion, I just stopped doing it. I worked out what was fair, ie I worked the same amount of hours H did then I rested when he did.

God, what a familiar story! Time and again research shows that women do the vast majority of the housework whether they work outside of the home or not. And that says nothing of the “mental load” - the invisible labour than almost always lands in the woman’s lap. I think going back to work will just mean you have even MORE work to do and will also be juggling managing the childcare and cleaner arrangements. You probably need to have a frank discussion with your husband and negotiate a fairer arrangement if you can. He may well think he is already pulling his weight and be surprised that you feel he is not. Or he is kicking back and enjoying letting you do all the grafting, in which case he needs a kick up the arse. Good luck with it!!

Remind you DH that as a SAHM, you do, indeed, have a full-time job, but that NO job should be 24/7, 365 a year, and that you, like him, need days, and stretches of time, off. And that you will be happy to work with him to work out a reasonable schedule for same.

Yabu.
I work full time (wfh-covid) and my partner looks after the kids. He pretty much does the exact same (tough) job as you whilst I'm the one earning. If you're genuinely not happy with the current arrangement talk it through with your hubby and ask him to do more to help around the house. However, unless you live in a mansion, how many household chores/tasks are you responsible for? Looking after children is incredibly demanding and frustrating but as they get older it will get easier (I promise!). Hopefully once restrictions ease, there will be groups/activities in your local community where you can take the children which will help you feel less isolated (and stimulate the little ones). If you do choose to get a job then hubby will have to do more to help, you're a team after all. Please talk to your fella about how you're feeling otherwise things will just continue the way they are and you'll end up imploding!

My husband is a stay at home parent and while he is at home during the day he gives the house a once over so it's generally clean and tidy. We do the big clean together on the weekends and take it in turns to cook etc. He is not my maid and I do not expect him to run himself into the ground. I do the majority of bedtimes and try to ensure that he has some downtime in the evenings after being with the kids all day. Being a SAHP isn't easy and everyone needs a break