SAHM - does that mean I have to do pretty much everything?

[squishmittens]

I am a SAHM - we have a 4 year old in reception and a 2 year old at home full time. DH works from home full time. His regular chores are:

Putting out the wheelie bins (not taking the rubbish from inside bin to outside, just putting the wheelie bins on the curb once a week).

Walking and feeding the dog twice a day (he likes this - I'm basically not allowed to walk the dog as this is his time for fresh air).

Mowing the lawn

Any adhoc diy job/repair as absolutely necessary (e.g. fixing broken oven, washing machine, so stuff we can't live without - maintenance work that can wait is never done).

Puts one child to bed (we each take one child and swap each night)

He very occasionally loads/unloads the dishwasher and hoovers the lounge - maybe once or twice a month.

I do literally every other home and child related activity. I'm fed up of all of it. I think my DH should do more, he obviously doesn't and now I feel like a maid. I'm thinking of going back to work and paying for nursery/cleaner/after school clubs etc. otherwise I feel like I'm going to lose it. AIBU?

@squishmittens

Bedtime is 8pm. The 4 year old is very anxious and has never slept well. The 2 year old is an early riser. 6am is actually amazing - it was 4:30am for quite sometime which nearly did me in (hence the later bedtime now). 4 year old often doesn't get off to sleep until 8:30-8:45pm and we have to sit with him until he's asleep.

You need to get him into an earlier routine. And teach him to self settle! I’m afraid you can’t complain that you only sit down at 9pm if you’ve allowed your child to stay up so late. At that age, he should be going down at 7.

Sorry, that sounds harsh of me! I meant that if possible, get them in bed by 7!

I’ve been a SAHP for 12 years now. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt, it’s communication is key. Don’t sit on it feeling like this. Be honest and make it clear to him that you aren’t saying any of this is about blame, but that you resent the fact that you aren’t afforded any time alone and that your working day is much longer and 7 days a week. I have to remind my OH of this from time to time and I do mostly everything, including DIY, gardening and car maintenance. He works out of the home 5 days a week. If something is bothering me, I let it be known, immediately. Never sit on things because you end up blowing a gasket and then are made to look like you’re crazy 🤦🏻‍♀️😬

If you decide to go back to work I’d make sure it’s 100% clear to him that this means he has to share responsibilities equally which shouldn’t have to be pointed out but usually has to be. Caring for the home and children is not 100% responsibility of a SAHP. That’s just simply narrow minded and ridiculous to think one parent has to run them self in to the ground whilst the other can work in a job and please themselves the rest of the time.

Off course that's what it means. He pays for it, you look after it. Have been a sahm for 16 years and that's how it has always worked. You are being very unreasonable

Bit staggered at some of these comments. No OP you don't do everything or rather shouldn't.
You both work - thats how I saw it when I was a SAHM. His working hours were also mine but when he got home it was all hands on deck and absolutely 50/50 on the weekend with both of us having a lie in.
Frankly I wouldn't have had it any other way and would have felt I was married to a completely selfish arse if my husband thought it was fine to sit down while I was running around. I just couldn't be in a relationship with someone like that.
I do agree that your child's sleep needs to be sorted. That's knackering for you

No wonder you are fed up - you are putting in full time hours of grunt work for no pay while he gets paid for 9 to 5 or whatever . He needs to do his share it is a bad role model for your children to see unpaid chores as women's work - he is being lazy and selfish - and treating you badly - sort this out with him NOW

Your husband sounds like he does quite a bit to be fair if you’re a stay at home mum. I pay half the bills, own 80% of the house (bigger deposit), do all the housework and look after the kids 90% of the time. My husband has never put them to bed or read them a story let’s put it that way. I also do all the painting, and DIY. If you started to work, do you not just think you’ll have to do all the chores anyway and then have to work also? I think women should stay at home and do all the “wife” and “mum” stuff. At least you know where you stand.

‘Everyone has a set bedtime and must be in bed and quiet fifteen minutes before lights are due to be turned off – this is an excellent time to settle down and read a book, knit or write a letter.’

This can’t be real life 😂

Oooooops wrong thread

I think if you know if you were also working he still wouldn't split it equally that's a different problem (e.g. The problem is this is totally unequal). So many of the comments I've just read are from the dark ages. I stayed home for a year with a baby, we took that to mean we took it in turns every night to do night shifts (because I deserved rest in order to do my job, which was parenting, just as much as he did for his job). I did 9-5 but absolutely everything outside of that was split.

I think it's completely insane to expect SAHM's to do everything especially with a toddler at home all day. For me doing 9-5 as a parent of a baby was 10x harder than any job I've ever had, and in reality our arrangement still wasn't equal because my partner got to progress his career during that time while I didn't. For women's equality there's no area that's as regressive as becoming a parent. Your partner should be putting in equal effort, and he's taking advantage of a system (which you can see in the other posters) which doesn't value the extraordinarily hard work that is raising children and housework.

I love the idea that if you just put your child to bed earlier all would be well! The idea that all children are identical clones who can be trained to sleep 7-7 regardless of their personality is ridiculous.

Mine are 4 and nearly 2, 4 year old still requires someone to stay with him and we're lucky if he's asleep before 9. He just doesn't need that much sleep! He dropped his nap before 2 and hasn't napped in the day since unless unwell. I didn't sleep through the night until well past 5 (according to DM!).

Your DC isn't the problem OP, your DH is the problem but you know that. If you want to stay in the relationship I'd say that going back to work and then outsourcing most of the household jobs is the only way forward to be honest.

I’m really sorry but you are a stay at home mum, surely the compromise is that he works you should do the majority of the housework and childcare ? He seems to be pulling his weight with working full time are undertaking other household tasks.

I wish my husband did that much, although if you are feeling it’s unfair tell your husband, it’s really the only way to solve the problem.

I was a stay at home mum for 10 years. I had a deal with DH that he brought in the money (and brought me a cup of tea in bed in the morning) and I did everything else at home (child care, shopping, housework, gardening, bins out, washing, school run, after school activities).

Obviously if I was ill he stepped in. The arrangement suited us, but I know he felt my job was every bit as important as his.

I think women should stay at home and do all the “wife” and “mum” stuff. At least you know where you stand.
I think women should marry men who are less lazy and shit.

I'm genuinely stunned that people are so willing to accept their partners doing as little as some of the responses on here would suggest. No wonder the gender pay gap still exists!

Both My DH and I work a 4 day week and we split everything else. If he didn't pull his weight we wouldn't be together, what would be the point? Why would I want to carry someone who is basically nothing but a drain on me and who I'm increasingly resentful of (not unsurprisingly). If I was doing it all anyway I might as well lose the dead weight.

@squishmittens You should try being married to a farmer for a few days/weeks.. I don’t think he knows where the hoover lives or any other cleaning utensils for that matter. He never walks the dogs unless he’s working them on the farm, never cooks and will only put the children to bed if he’s in in time!
We are lambing at the moment and all up at 5.30, in the lambing shed and work all day and I still have to get food done for breakfast, lunch and dinner as well as try and keep up with the washing and minimal housework that gets done 😆 I wouldn’t have it any other way though!

@Sunshinegirl82 @burritofan thank God for your replies. I was beginning to despair at some of these latest posts.

What I genuinely don't understand are those that have husbands/partners who do nothing on the weekend to help - whether with children or in the house?? Not even cash it "help" but actually be a bloody parent?! There is no bloody way my husband would sit here on a Saturday evening having a beer watching TV while I cooked and dealt with children bedtime/bath time- it just wouldn't happen!!

@Hayder

I’m really sorry but you are a stay at home mum, surely the compromise is that he works you should do the majority of the housework and childcare ? He seems to be pulling his weight with working full time are undertaking other household tasks.

Totally agree with this!!

How is he pulling his weight? He does the jobs he enjoys such as walking the dog, hides in the garden so not to spend time with the kids and gets a lie in every weekend, and all because he ‘works’? Fuck that.

Why is it ok that the OP gets zero time to herself and is run ragged?

I've never been a SAHM but if I was I would expect my role to be to look after the children during the day. That's all. Evenings and weekends would be split 50/50, as would other household tasks. Different if all the kids were in school I suppose.

Whilst I would expect to do most of the childcare and chores if I were a SAHM, I would expect time off, as well as division of weekend and evening chores and certainly my share of lie ins.

I went to a music class for parents and babies when DD was little. I remember one of the other mums telling me she did all the stuff at night. I was a little that she and her boyfriend felt it was fine for her to drive herself and the baby round in the car on little sleep in order to protect his sleep.

@NotATomato

How is he pulling his weight? He does the jobs he enjoys such as walking the dog, hides in the garden so not to spend time with the kids and gets a lie in every weekend, and all because he ‘works’? Fuck that.

Why is it ok that the OP gets zero time to herself and is run ragged?

That “working” covers not just his own costs but those of his children and spouse. I wouldn’t be happy whatsoever if my spouse had opted out of earning and contributing to the household and then expected me to come home and start the housework despite the fact they have been home all day and didn’t have to work.

Many parents look after a house and parent on top of a full time job and don’t claim to be run ragged.

If I were you, I'd go for the return to work option- share childcare cost, split the domestic chores more evenly & get some more balance.

I know he works FT but he doesn't sound like he's doing an awful lot on the domestic front.

Why should he get the monopoly on taking the dog out?

Sounds like you'd benefit from fresh air, child free time & just with the dog....just like he does currently...twice a day