SAHM - does that mean I have to do pretty much everything?

[squishmittens]

I am a SAHM - we have a 4 year old in reception and a 2 year old at home full time. DH works from home full time. His regular chores are:

Putting out the wheelie bins (not taking the rubbish from inside bin to outside, just putting the wheelie bins on the curb once a week).

Walking and feeding the dog twice a day (he likes this - I'm basically not allowed to walk the dog as this is his time for fresh air).

Mowing the lawn

Any adhoc diy job/repair as absolutely necessary (e.g. fixing broken oven, washing machine, so stuff we can't live without - maintenance work that can wait is never done).

Puts one child to bed (we each take one child and swap each night)

He very occasionally loads/unloads the dishwasher and hoovers the lounge - maybe once or twice a month.

I do literally every other home and child related activity. I'm fed up of all of it. I think my DH should do more, he obviously doesn't and now I feel like a maid. I'm thinking of going back to work and paying for nursery/cleaner/after school clubs etc. otherwise I feel like I'm going to lose it. AIBU?

@Hesma

Try being a single Mum.... I work 4 days per week, do all the housework, diy, put the bins out, mow the lawn, do the laundry, cook the meals, put kids to bed etc etc... your life sounds idyllic to me 🤣

Why are you encouraging the Op to measure her husband against his non-existence? How is that relevant? He isn’t dead or absent. He’s just lazy. How is his laziness relevant to your lack of a partner?

I really don’t understand many of the responses on this thread. Why are you encouraging this woman to tolerate the nonsense she is putting up with?

I think if you're at home then you do the bulk of it. To be fair to him, he's not just bringing the bins out, he's going to work every day, paying all the bills, this is a huge responsibility as the sole earner.

Evenings and weekends chores should be shared.

I think it's about equal downtime more than anything.

You need to address sleeping problems that the children have.

OP I really think it’s about equal downtime. But that will be hard to negotiate if you have a DH who doesn’t appreciate the work you do.

The fundamental problem is that men do not believe childcare to be that hard or that time-consuming. Same for housework. Although it’s essential we generally consider it to be menial. Which is why such a low monetary value is placed on it.

If you went out to work you would no doubt, due to having taken time out from your career, be earning less than him so you would once again be expected to make up for the shortfall by doing more at home anyway.

It’s a trap that many women find themselves in after childbirth and there isn’t much you can do, as is evidenced by the almost daily threads on here about the same topic.

Even if you become a single mum you’d still be doing everything but as a PP said you would have the simmering resentment.

I would recommend that you write down everything you do with the times, present it to him and stress that you need equal downtime. Point out that when the kids go back to school you can perhaps take on housework but at the moment it is too much and you need equal downtime.

Childcare is important. Know your worth.

but as a PP said you would have the simmering resentment.

wouldn’t

Those that have suggested the OP goes to work full time I would think again. Husbands like this don’t change readily. I know as i’ve had one just like the OP’s for the best part of 20 years! I’ve worked FT/ PT and studied. It made no difference. Had 4 DC under 8 at one point. The only thing that happened was burnout in my case because the slack wasn’t being picked up by DH! This means I would come home to a bomb site and have to run around cleaning on days off. DH will just step over mess. He doesn’t see it. This is to do with his upbringing I believe whereas I can’t live in a cluttered home. Things are better now that the DC are older as they can help out and clean their own rooms etc. Eldest DC does the bins. DH does morning school runs, outdoor jobs (walking the dogs) etc. I stay at home and do everything else. This works far better because I feel I have some respite.

@Middersweekly. I agree with you that going back to work may not make things easier in the short-term for the OP. But in the longer term, it will make it much easier for her to change/ditch her husband if she gets fed up with him not doing his share. The small children stage won't last forever and, once she's through it, the OP might decide that she'd like a life either on her own or with someone who doesn't treat her like a skivvy.

I’m a SAHM and I do most things - we have 4 kids and DH works hard and earns well, running the house snd kids is my job.
I get someone in for repairs as he’s not handy in that way and I have a lady in to iron but otherwise it’s my job. I don’t resent it but horses for courses, if you do return to work then you need to insist that he splits work 50/50.

@DarkMatterA2Z it’s true the OP may want to leave her DH if the resentment gets too much. In which case she will need to work yes but as it stands, she would be adding to her workload if she went back to work FT because her DH would still not pull his weight around the house and she would end up in the same position as me 10 years ago to the detriment of my mental and physical health. It probably looked like I had it all from an outsiders perspective. Good career, nice home, 4 DC and a DH, but internally I was at breaking point. My DH is a self confessed workaholic and these types of people are hard to live with but he doesn’t know how to be anything else but a provider which took me many years to understand. He also recognises my contribution to the household and is very grateful for it. I am equally happy that he is providing financial stability for us as a family. It works fluidly now as I both of us are not spreading ourselves thinly. If the OP wishes to keep a hand in the workplace then she should look to work PT initially. At least until her DC are school age. She could then up her hours if things did not work out with her DH.

The way I see it, both parents ultimately have equal responsibility for childcare, housework and earning a living. The "default" position is therefore that all of these tasks are split equally. If couples choose to vary that arrangement - which,,of course, many will - then it needs to be by a process of mutual negotiation, whereby both partners agree that the division of labour is "fair".

Consequently, I don't think there is a single right answer as to what the job of a SAHP involves. For some, it will only entail childcare, whereas for others it will include childcare and the bulk of the housework. The SAHP cannot unilaterally decide what the "job" entails, any more than the WOHP can. It's about reaching a mutually acceptable agreement. IMO, if such an agreement can't be reached, then the only fair alternative is to revert to the default whereby both partners share all responsibilities equally. The reality, of course, is that many couples land on some sort of compromise/stalemate situation whereby at least one partner feels hard done by.

He does more than my DP and we both work full time

I think being a SAHP involves a huge amount of trust. It’s scary to be completely financially dependent on someone and if that someone is going to act like you’re not pulling your weight outside of the full-time childcare, I’d say that trust is broken.

@Dannn

Are you ok with that? If so, why?

@MouseholeCat

My view is that a SAHP takes on the bulk of the domestic duties, which includes both household chores and childcare. It's why I don't want to be one!

I know people say having a SAHP saves nursery fees, but I always wonder- at what economic and mental cost is the result? It leaves women in an insanely vulnerable economic position.

If you hate it, go back to work and address the balance. And don't for a second talk or even think about your salary going to nursery fees and a cleaner because it's a slice of your JOINT INCOME that pays for it. Children aren't a tax on women. It should always be framed as a joint expense, and you should be able to save a proportionate amount of your income.

Not all families can afford a luxury of paying for nursery unless it provides them with some benefit of extra money earned. Why so many people on here find it hard to understand? If the family already struggles on one income and then if a woman wants to go back to work but her salary is less then childcare then they will suffer financially and their joint income will decrease. It has nothing to do with who pays for what.

If your not working what's the problem. If you cant cope with that role, go back to work. Sorted

Well people have said it so easily here .Go back to work OP whats the problem but have you considered the fact that what skills she has , what sort of job would she get .If her skills will not pay anything above 25k to 30 k ,She cant really work ?

Do you want your husband to work full time and do have the chores good luck with that one

I’d expect person at home to do what they can around the house - knowing that some days this would be very little - and then the rest to be shared.

Some weird ideas about work here though. Lots of comments about 9-5....I don’t know anyone who works this and am surprised so many do so and can afford to support two or more other people.

And I laughed out loud at the poster who found a baby 10x harder than any job she’s ever done......I guess we do very very different jobs!

No idea what the person wittering on about bleach and deep cleaning was on about either. Many of us manage to keeps our homes clean without popping on a hazmat suit and spraying the place with bleach.

If your not working what's the problem. If you cant cope with that role, go back to work. Sorted

Except as someone pointed out further up the thread, the OP would then have to convince her DH to share the household chores with her 50/50. So they were both doing 50% of the paid work and 50% of the household chores, including at weekends. If he won't muck in to make sure that the OP has a couple of hours a week to herself at the moment, he's unlikely to be thrilled about losing his solitary dog walks and lie ins on annual leave to do nursery runs and cover sick days.

@gg12346

Well people have said it so easily here .Go back to work OP whats the problem but have you considered the fact that what skills she has , what sort of job would she get .If her skills will not pay anything above 25k to 30 k ,She cant really work ?

That’s not quite right. OP has a 2 year old plus one at reception. So a full time nursery place, wraparound care and a cleaner a couple of hours a week will be about £15k. A salary of £18k will bring home about £16k after tax so more than covering costs. Plus will allow OP to keep a foot in the door at work and it won’t be long until youngest qualifies for 3 year funding

Your posts really made me mad, op. Your DH is completely taking advantage of you. You should both be taking turns re getting up and sharing out left over chores in the evening. And why don't you get to take the dog a walk fgs?

I used to be a sahp - we shared chores at the weekend/evening and made sure both of us got time off.

@TiggerTiggerBounce. I agree. Definitely worth working so long as the OP can make sure her husband is doing 50% of everything at home. Financial independence is invaluable.

Over the past 17 years since becoming a parent I've

*been on maternity leave 4 times
*worked full time
*worked part time
*worked part time from home
*been a SAHP

In all of these scenarios my DH has not picked up any slack when I've been working too;especially when I was full time.He has always left the parenting/shopping/cooking/cleaning/laundry/DIY/gardening/painting&decorating/household admin to me.

He was raised in a home where the woman did everything and men earned the money.

My general attitude is fuck it;if I'm going to end up doing everything anyway then why should I work outside the home because I'll only end up going out to work then coming home to do everything anyway.I still work from home on a part time basis with my own little business that I earn abit of money from to help cover stuff for me/holidays etc but other than that I've decided that he can support us financially if he's not going to contribute in any other way.

And I laughed out loud at the poster who found a baby 10x harder than any job she’s ever done......I guess we do very very different jobs!

What is your job @MissTrip82 ? I have a friend who works in a massively high-pressured finance role and finds it much, much easier than being at home with a demanding small child.

I have a friend who works in a massively high-pressured finance role and finds it much, much easier than being at home with a demanding small child.

I think we must all have very different experiences of parenting, because my mind honestly boggles when I read stuff like this. I have done jobs that are immensely demanding (both intellectually and emotionally) and jobs that are pretty easy. I found looking after my small dd easier and more enjoyable than any of them. I do totally accept and respect the fact that some people find it really hard to look after small children, but I won't pretend to understand it.

I totally appreciate that it is extremely challenging to care for children with some SEN or disabilities. Likewise to care for twins or triplets etc. I can imagine that must be quite difficult. Personally, though, I struggle to understand what is so challenging about single birth NT children. I guess it depends on the temperament and personality of the child, as well as the temperament and personality of the parent, as well as the parent's particular skill set and the nature of any work that they have done previously, how they feel about working to someone else's agenda vs having their own autonomy, the extent to which they like to do things on their own vs being part of a team etc. There are so many variables.

I'm absolutely not knocking those who find parenting a struggle, nor am I wishing to minimise the challenges that they face. It's just really interesting to me how two people can experience similar situations in such different ways.