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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to get baby christened/baptised?

151 replies

jellyfishinatent · 02/04/2021 16:12

Expecting first baby.

DP wants baby to be christened/baptised, I do not.

I am not in any way religious. Neither is DP but he for some reason he sort of identifies as Catholic. His mother is religious and goes to church weekly, prays etc but this is personal to her and she doesn't talk about her religion ie. doesnt push it on others if that makes sense. This is not a MIL thread btw- we get on very well!

DP wants baby to be christened because he was , and he thinks it's traditional (??). DP does not believe in God, go to church, pray etc etc.

I do not want baby to be christened because I am not religious, and neither is he! Baby will not be brought up as a Catholic, and to me it seems an odd thing to do if we are not religious.

AIBU to not want my baby to be christened as a Catholic, and they can make their own choice on their religious views/if they want to be baptised when they are old enough?!

OP posts:

Rexasaurus · 02/04/2021 16:55

We didn’t.
One catholic family. One Christian. We were both christened/baptised as it was something you did when we were born. Kind of generational.

Not once ounce of regret for not doing it with our two. I’d have felt like a right hypocrite standing at the alter saying I believed in god & that I’d bring my children up with gods ways.

Maybe he wants to celebrate the arrival of the baby more than specifically a religious ceremony? I have a couple of friends who did naming days?

Hoppythehippo · 02/04/2021 16:56

Minister of our (not Catholic) church wouldn’t agree to baptise a child under those circumstances- you’re expected to be a part of the church and to be serious about the vows you are taking. I think it’s offensive actually to participate in something you don’t believe in and make promises you have no intention of keeping, just because it’s tradition or gets you into a better school. Just have a secular naming ceremony or something instead.

PerspicaciousGreen · 02/04/2021 17:00

Your husband ought to be very uncomfortable with the Catholic baptism ceremony if he's not planning to being the child up as Catholic. I'd ask him to read through the service (available online) and ask him if he's planning to do all that.

That said, you do realise that ALL children get to choose what they believe. Bringing your child up atheist means they can choose to be Catholic in the future. Bringing your child up Catholic would still mean they'd get to choose to be an atheist on the future. Every single human gets taught something about religion by their parents and every single human gets to make their own choice.

I concur that I'd ask him what it's really about and would he like to have a party with baby in a white dress instead? Maybe he's more religious than you realised!

Maraudery · 02/04/2021 17:01

Have you been to a christening together recently?

My friend was going to christen her dc but decided against it following attending one. She remembered it as more of a family gathering thing and was shocked at what the god parents had to stand up and agree too and quite how religious it was

Its easy to think of them as family gatherings to celebrate the baby and a bit of a welcome to the church, but its worth going through together what the ceremony would look like, and the promises made.

Twospaniels · 02/04/2021 17:01

We didn’t. Husband was brought up in a very religious way and he left it when he was 17.
My family celebrated christmas and easter but we weren’t really church goers. I did go to sunday school as a child.

So when our daughters were born we decided that it would be hypocritical to have them christened.

We had naming days for them instead. One was a bbq in the garden eith all our friends. Husband said a few words etc. People brought oresents for the baby, she was about 10 mths old.

Second daughter had her naming day in a function room of a local pub with a buffet. Again friends and relatives all there.

Why don’t you look into naming days, or dedications.

I think nowadays people do have children christened just because it’s traditional and/or they want a party for the baby, but I feel that if you don’t go to church then it isn’t right.

Mumoblue · 02/04/2021 17:02

Agh MN ate my post!

OP I was basically christened under these circumstances- my dad pushed my mum into it because he wanted to make his mum happy. We’re not religious and I don’t really like that I was signed up to something I don’t believe in when I was a baby. I’d much rather they’d left it up to me!

YANBU. If you don’t plan on raising them religious it’s perfectly reasonable not to want to christen them.

FireflyRainbow · 02/04/2021 17:03

Don't waste the Reverends precious time on doing a christening when you don't believe in god. They do not have time for that OP they are busy. My friends on the brink of a break down and people doing this pisses her right off.

GillBungalow · 02/04/2021 17:03

As Hoppythehippo said, would the church even agree to baptize under those circumstances? I know the Catholic Church I was brought up to attend wouldn't have- you're basically agreeing to raise your child within the faith, and at our church they'd want to see that you attended mass regularly etc.

That was a while ago now though!

I didn't get any of mine christened at all. It would have been hypocritical to do so.

PresentingPercy · 02/04/2021 17:04

Just have a naming ceremony then. Or have a party to welcome your child. The religous thing is a bit of a faff as God parents have to promise to bring them up in the faith. We did it but if I had my tinme again, I would just have a "welcome baby" event and leave the church out of it.

FireflyRainbow · 02/04/2021 17:04

If you just want a party and new dress have a party in the garden.

PanamaPattie · 02/04/2021 17:05

You can’t just go to a church and expect the vicar to christen a child. You need to be part of the church. If you are not religious, it’s meaningless.

GrumpyHoonMain · 02/04/2021 17:06

If you were a lapsed christian too I’d say go for it but it seems ridiculous if neither of you believe in god

mathanxiety · 02/04/2021 17:08

Do you think there's any harm in it?

You're not signing the baby up for anything they have to keep on doing.

Contrary to suggestions here, it's up to the baby what he or she decides to believe or observe in the course of life.

Speaking as the relative of a large number of self identified Buddhists, atheists and humanists here, all baptized Christians.

GoldenOmber · 02/04/2021 17:10

You’d both have to talk to the priest beforehand about the ceremony and what you’re committing to anyway. Some will make you take a baptism preparation course.

I think you need to have a good conversation with your DP about whether he’s willing to do that and, if so, what having the baby baptised means to him.

TheGoogleMum · 02/04/2021 17:12

I dont understand people christening their kids if they dont attend church or anything tbh. Didn't get DD christened as we dont go to church

Original poster

jellyfishinatent · 02/04/2021 17:13

Relieved by these responses... agree it seems hypocritical and offensive to stand up in church to promise things that are not true!

Tbh I think DP is just thinking he wants a party with friends/family for the baby. Will have a look into naming days, its not something I've heard of before now...

I have actually never been to a christening! His mother's side of the family are all christened, and believe it or not he is a godfather himself so its not like he doesn't know what it entails

OP posts:

VienneseWhirligig · 02/04/2021 17:13

We didn't. We were going to (DH and I were both christened and I thought it was just what you did) but the vicar at the church said that he wouldn't be comfortable christening DS because we weren't married at the time, and it put us off trying elsewhere. DS "found" religion as a teenager, took bible study classes and arranged his own baptism.

caramac04 · 02/04/2021 17:13

I didn’t, realised it was only an excuse for a family get together. Eldest DD has since been baptised, her choice and decision - she was already an adult. Other DC not bothered.

seepingweeping · 02/04/2021 17:16

I'm atheist, husband and fil catholic.

Chapel said only fil and husband could organise and I wasn't allowed to be involved.

I said no and our children are not baptised.

PerspicaciousGreen · 02/04/2021 17:17

@mathanxiety

Do you think there's any harm in it?

You're not signing the baby up for anything they have to keep on doing.

Contrary to suggestions here, it's up to the baby what he or she decides to believe or observe in the course of life.

Speaking as the relative of a large number of self identified Buddhists, atheists and humanists here, all baptized Christians.

No, not for the child - as you quite rightly say, it's always up to the child what they want to do when they're older. But I think it's bad for adults to stand up in front of other adults and tell lies.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/04/2021 17:17

Neither one of you believe in God, and you don't go to services, so having your child baptised is massively disrespectful to the church and it's followers. You would be putting on a farce and for what, exactly? It's absurd, and I say this as a lifelong atheist.

Giraffaelina · 02/04/2021 17:19

I was really not bothered about having DS christened as we are not at all a religious family. DH is more keen as he feels this will give DS a good starting point regarding religion and would contribute to his general knowledge / education and understanding of it all. Then later on in life, he can decide for himself what he wants to do with it. Looking at it from his point of view, I completely agreed so we will have him christened as soon as we can and do our best to teach him the basics of christianity without forcing anything on him. I see no harm in that. But as DH said, he may miss out by not knowing anything about it.

Whether YABU or not, this is such a personal issue and choice that only you and your DH will know that...

danadas · 02/04/2021 17:20

None of mine have been christened. I wouldn't want to choose a religion for them, they can pick if/when they want to.

GoldenOmber · 02/04/2021 17:21

having your child baptised is massively disrespectful to the church and it's followers

I don’t feel disrespected (as a church-going Catholic whose children are baptised). But it would depend on the DP’s reason for wanting to.

Nandocushion · 02/04/2021 17:22

I had a BF when I lived in UK who said the same. He was an atheist but he felt that christenings were traditional and everyone did them and you just did it because it was a fun thing to do and a get-together. I have no idea whether a priest would have felt quite so relaxed about it had he shared his views! He doesn't have DC now so it's never come up in the end. I wouldn't do it either, OP, why bother?

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