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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to get baby christened/baptised?

151 replies

jellyfishinatent · 02/04/2021 16:12

Expecting first baby.

DP wants baby to be christened/baptised, I do not.

I am not in any way religious. Neither is DP but he for some reason he sort of identifies as Catholic. His mother is religious and goes to church weekly, prays etc but this is personal to her and she doesn't talk about her religion ie. doesnt push it on others if that makes sense. This is not a MIL thread btw- we get on very well!

DP wants baby to be christened because he was , and he thinks it's traditional (??). DP does not believe in God, go to church, pray etc etc.

I do not want baby to be christened because I am not religious, and neither is he! Baby will not be brought up as a Catholic, and to me it seems an odd thing to do if we are not religious.

AIBU to not want my baby to be christened as a Catholic, and they can make their own choice on their religious views/if they want to be baptised when they are old enough?!

OP posts:
choirmumoftwo · 02/04/2021 18:52

Our DC were not baptised as we didn't go to church when they were born. MIL wasn't happy but it would have felt hypocritical to us.
We started attending church when they were children and they were baptised age 10 and 7, having had some input into the decision.
They're now 21 and 19 and we're all still regular attenders at 3 separate churches since they're at university.
Let them decide for themselves - you'd be making promises on their behalf you have no intention of keeping at this point.

ancientgran · 02/04/2021 18:52

@ShinyMe

I would be amazed if a catholic priest would baptise a child of non-practicing parents.

I used to have a devout catholic boyfriend and spent many weekends with his family, and went to mass with them. I was very much not a catholic, but went along as it was what they did. The mass itself didn't bother me, I quite enjoyed the ritual and the mood. One week though, the mass was a group christening and they christened maybe 5 babies and confirmed a dozen or so children. I absolutely hated it, there were very strict promises and rules of what the families were promising and what the children were committing to, and it felt very wrong to me, to be making these decisions for babies and children who didn't have the capacity to decide for themselves. It wasn't just dabbing a bit of water on their head and naming them.

Well be amazed, it has happened in many of the parishes I've lived in, probably all of them.

In my experience a group baptism is normal in most Catholic churches, you are being welcomed into the family of the church so normal to have it at Mass with the normal congregation and any babies who are being Baptised.

CofE Baptisms I've attended have generally been just one baby. Not sure if that is the custom or just because there was only one family with a baby in their parish.

Brainwave89 · 02/04/2021 18:52

Its entirely your call. You can have your child blessed rather than baptised which might be a good middle ground and allow a social gathering to celebrate the baby's birth.

Dixiechickonhols · 02/04/2021 18:55

Upto you but if it’s important to DP you should discuss it. DH is catholic i’m not. Dc is catholic. Also thinking ahead if catholic school on your radar than being baptised will usually put you higher up admissions primary or secondary. Our local catholic secondary just requires baptism certificate and live in area much less onerous than c of e secondary that needs weekly attendance yr 4 and 5.

Cam77 · 02/04/2021 18:58

Lots of people seem to think the alternative to a religious ceremony is a humanist one. I’d disagree with that. Humanism can be quite a specific creed, verging on political . And some of its philosophy would be opposed by huge numbers of non-religious people.

Cam77 · 02/04/2021 18:59

Nothing against humanism btw. Just dispelling the idea of it as a catch all term for “non-religious”.

Druidlookingidiot · 02/04/2021 19:00

Why not compromise and have a baby naming ceremony? I've been to two of these recently and they were lovely. Everything you want, except religion.

drpet49 · 02/04/2021 19:46

Baby naming ceremony? Sounds ridiculous and grabby.

Sindragosan · 02/04/2021 20:17

Catholic belief is still that you need to be baptised to go to heaven, I think they softened their stance on babies going to hell, and they go to limbo instead. Catholic priests probably would baptise any child on that basis, that its the soul of the child at risk otherwise.

benorjerry · 02/04/2021 20:33

@Maraudery

Have you been to a christening together recently?

My friend was going to christen her dc but decided against it following attending one. She remembered it as more of a family gathering thing and was shocked at what the god parents had to stand up and agree too and quite how religious it was

Its easy to think of them as family gatherings to celebrate the baby and a bit of a welcome to the church, but its worth going through together what the ceremony would look like, and the promises made.

Why was your friend shocked that a ceremony held in Church was religious? The 'religious' part hasn't changed in its essentials for years, god-parents have always had to made promises on behalf of the baby, it was never just a family gathering.
LemonSwan · 02/04/2021 20:43

Well I dont attend church but still baptised my cat informally in the kitchen.

Why? Why not. Worst case scenario nothing happens but no harm done. Best case scenario he gained a few extra cat lives Smile

Yes I am bonkers

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 02/04/2021 20:49

@jellyfishinatent

Just remembered that he has also said it might help them get into better schools (!!!)

I will not be allowing it!!

'Better' (in this case RC and successful) schools know all about this ruse. It doesn't work.

Certificate of Baptism (more points for within the first 6 months)
(For Secondary) Certificate of First Holy Communion aged 7.
Reference from the Priest confirming exactly how many years you have been attending mass and how many times a month in that period.

You then get a number of points based upon those. In an outstanding school, they're so oversubscribed that only the full point scoring Catholics (ie, real, believing AND regularly attending ones) stand a 50% chance of getting an offer - after all those who already get higher priority due to already having a sibling at the school have been offered a place. (Plus those who have the school named in an EHCP, Looked After Catholic children and Looked After children in Catholic families)

In short, you have to do it properly or not at all if you want them to have a Catholic education.

However, whilst it is hypocritical, it is still possible that a Priest may agree to Baptise your DC because, frankly, to a Catholic, it does at least give the child a chance for their soul compared to not doing anything at all.

RIPworkingmums · 02/04/2021 20:54

I’ve always thought it odd for people to have their babies christened when they are in no way religious. I have been to a couple of naming ceremonies which were very relaxed and a nice way of celebrating babies arrival into the family. I would go for something like that as a compromise.

PurBal · 02/04/2021 21:05

No clergyperson would see a christening of a waste of time. Baptism, according to Canon Law (church law), cannot be denied to anyone presented for baptism. It's about welcoming them into a community. The beliefs between different denominations differ, eg Anglicans and Roman Catholics believe in infant baptism. As a Christian married to an Atheist (though I'm very much a practicing one who believes in God and attends church) the ultimate decision to have a christening came to me as the religious person. I would try to understand why this is important to your DH, though it sounds like he himself would struggle to communicate it, rather than dismissing it out of hand. FWIW my view is that I want to give my child everything I possibly can and that includes Christ, if it's all a load of codswallop, nothing lost.

NameChange74567 · 02/04/2021 21:08

Yanbu. None of my children have been baptised, DH and I are. He wanted them to be baptised because MIL is religious but I don't believe in God, DH hasn't attended mass in the all the years I've known him. He said he had no intention of ever taking them, so I thought it was absolutely pointless and said it wasn't happening. MIL was horrified when she found out.

PurBal · 02/04/2021 21:12

I don't think YABU not to want to though. Ultimately it's a joint decision.

DenisetheMenace · 02/04/2021 21:13

Of course you ANBU

JellyBabiesFan · 02/04/2021 21:14

I do not want baby to be christened because I am not religious

Do you celebrate Christmas?

1Morewineplease · 02/04/2021 21:14

We didn't christen our children. Had a huge ton of negativity from my deeply Catholic mum but we stood our ground.
We felt that if our children found 'God' in whichever form then it was entirely their decision. We didn't want to impose a religion onto them. Alas, my mum has never really understood this and my children are mid twenties 🙄

toconclude · 02/04/2021 21:15

Christians would I think prefer you didn't if there's no belief. It should be a serious commitment not just a tradition or routine.

toconclude · 02/04/2021 21:16

@JellyBabiesFan

I do not want baby to be christened because I am not religious

Do you celebrate Christmas?

Irrelevant, surely. For the majority Christmas is a purely secular holiday.
MsTSwift · 02/04/2021 21:19

We had a little welcome party for each child afternoon tea in garden for extended family that wanted to come and see the baby we read a few poems, tea cake champagne. Was lovely both times

JellyBabiesFan · 02/04/2021 21:22

Irrelevant, surely. For the majority Christmas is a purely secular holiday

Secular? Regardless of their interpretation the clue is in the name

CHRISTmas

cantkeepawayforever · 02/04/2021 21:24

Within the Anglican tradition there is a separate service of thanksgiving for the gift of a child.

We had this for both mine - my family is very christian (though I am not) and DH's family are very rigidly 'pro' Christian rituals for significant life events (christenings, weddings and funeral) so it was a good compromise.

DS's birth was sufficiently traumatic that thanksgiving was exactly what we felt we wanted. We have 2 'godparent equivalents' for each child - 1 very Christian, 2 culturally so, one practising Muslim - as the service is very flexible.

www.churchofengland.org/prayer-and-worship/worship-texts-and-resources/common-worship/christian-initiation/rites-way
is the C of E version.

BikeRunSki · 02/04/2021 21:27

If you are not religious, but want to celebrate you baby’s arrival in your family, look at a Humanist ceremony.

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