Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to get baby christened/baptised?

151 replies

jellyfishinatent · 02/04/2021 16:12

Expecting first baby.

DP wants baby to be christened/baptised, I do not.

I am not in any way religious. Neither is DP but he for some reason he sort of identifies as Catholic. His mother is religious and goes to church weekly, prays etc but this is personal to her and she doesn't talk about her religion ie. doesnt push it on others if that makes sense. This is not a MIL thread btw- we get on very well!

DP wants baby to be christened because he was , and he thinks it's traditional (??). DP does not believe in God, go to church, pray etc etc.

I do not want baby to be christened because I am not religious, and neither is he! Baby will not be brought up as a Catholic, and to me it seems an odd thing to do if we are not religious.

AIBU to not want my baby to be christened as a Catholic, and they can make their own choice on their religious views/if they want to be baptised when they are old enough?!

OP posts:
CloudFormations · 02/04/2021 17:42

Yanbu. If he wants the traditional element, would he consider a humanist naming ceremony? I’ve been to a couple and they were really lovely.

Original poster
jellyfishinatent · 02/04/2021 17:42

Just remembered that he has also said it might help them get into better schools (!!!)

I will not be allowing it!!

OP posts:
PerspicaciousGreen · 02/04/2021 17:47

@jellyfishinatent

Just remembered that he has also said it might help them get into better schools (!!!)

I will not be allowing it!!

Have him look up Certificates of Catholic Practice (I think they're called) and what you have to do to get one. It's not like the C of E. You do actually have to BE a Catholic. So he'll have to go to Mass every Sunday for the next umpteen years to stand a chance, not just cross his fingers behind his back for one ceremony.

Honestly, he really should be reading up on what actually happens.

Oneearringlost · 02/04/2021 17:49

Are you also expecting to choose godparents? Would they feel comfortable in taking on the role expected of them, to be moral guardians, to always be part of the child's life and be a lifelong support to the child?
I know someone who felt uncomfortable being asked but could not bring herself to refuse. She had an ambiguous relationship with the parents, lost touch when they each took a different path in life and has absolutely zilch contact with the child.

Oneearringlost · 02/04/2021 17:50

Sorry, when I say "you", I mean your DH.

Original poster
jellyfishinatent · 02/04/2021 17:50

Thank you all for the info!

Not being religious in any way myself and never having been to a christening, I had no idea what was involved - just that I was definitely against it... very glad to know that even if I wasn't completely against it, it likely wouldn't be possible anyway.

Useful to be able to show him this stuff.......

OP posts:
2bazookas · 02/04/2021 17:50

Just do nothing and it won't happen.

I bet you a walnut whirl your DH will never bother to organise a christening, godparents etc.

GoldenOmber · 02/04/2021 17:56

had no idea what was involved - just that I was definitely against it...

You really need to sit him down and ask him why he wants this, what does “it’s traditional” mean to him, how important is it to him. And listen to what he says and don’t take “I dunno” for an answer.

Because if he is just assuming this is what you do and hasn’t really thought about it, that’s one thing, but if it matters to him that his child is connected into his family’s religious tradition at some level that’s something else and you’ll need to find a reasonable way to sort out between you going forwards.

PerspicaciousGreen · 02/04/2021 18:25

@2bazookas

Just do nothing and it won't happen.

I bet you a walnut whirl your DH will never bother to organise a christening, godparents etc.

Grin Wink

I like this answer!

Also, have a look at the church's website. Many will have stuff about baptism criteria and baptism prep courses. Turns out most Catholic priests won't let you turn up at their church, take up their time, lie to everyone, have a nice do in the hall, then never turn up again...

Dontbeme · 02/04/2021 18:27

You call him DP so I presume you are not married, maybe remind him that a child out of wedlock is not a good look for the Catholic church and the priest will want answers as to why you are living in sin, that might soften his cough for him. Also remind him that he, as the suddenly religious one, will be responsible for bringing your DC to mass every Sunday, yes every Sunday even when he is hungover, even when a match is on, even when it's pissing down with rain, every Sunday.

altiara · 02/04/2021 18:32

I said to my stb ex-DH, fine if you really want to. They’re both at secondary school now, so I guess he wasn’t that keen to organise it.

altiara · 02/04/2021 18:34

2bazookas didn’t update the thread, that’s exactly what happened to my kids - nothing!

Heatherjayne1972 · 02/04/2021 18:34

None of mine are christened
I felt /feel that religion (or not) is a personal choice which I can’t chose for someone else

They seem to have survived

toffeebutterpopcorn · 02/04/2021 18:35

Would you consider a catholic school later on? Otherwise it’s more of a family and friends get together and meal (COVID permitting) isn’t it?

ancientgran · 02/04/2021 18:38

@Rexasaurus

We didn’t. One catholic family. One Christian. We were both christened/baptised as it was something you did when we were born. Kind of generational.

Not once ounce of regret for not doing it with our two. I’d have felt like a right hypocrite standing at the alter saying I believed in god & that I’d bring my children up with gods ways.

Maybe he wants to celebrate the arrival of the baby more than specifically a religious ceremony? I have a couple of friends who did naming days?

Catholics are Christians so it was two Christian families.
ancientgran · 02/04/2021 18:41

@Hoppythehippo

Minister of our (not Catholic) church wouldn’t agree to baptise a child under those circumstances- you’re expected to be a part of the church and to be serious about the vows you are taking. I think it’s offensive actually to participate in something you don’t believe in and make promises you have no intention of keeping, just because it’s tradition or gets you into a better school. Just have a secular naming ceremony or something instead.
I've never known a Catholic priest refuse, I heard one answering someone who questioned him doing it, "Why would I penalise the child?"

If you believe, presumably the priest does, then he's right, if baptism is important why would he deny that to a child.

I do think it is offensive when people who don't believe use a church as a nice venue for a wedding though.

celiafforcandle · 02/04/2021 18:43

As others have said, you can have a naming ceremony.
At a Non Conformist church I used to go to the minister would also do a formal naming and say nice words.
In that congregation. Baptism was introduction to and being accepted by the Congregation. Not an excuse for new outfit and party.
Find a humanist who does non religious funerals and ask them.
It is nice to have a ceremony to introduce new born to the wider family.

ancientgran · 02/04/2021 18:43

@Dontbeme

You call him DP so I presume you are not married, maybe remind him that a child out of wedlock is not a good look for the Catholic church and the priest will want answers as to why you are living in sin, that might soften his cough for him. Also remind him that he, as the suddenly religious one, will be responsible for bringing your DC to mass every Sunday, yes every Sunday even when he is hungover, even when a match is on, even when it's pissing down with rain, every Sunday.
Again I don't know a Catholic priest who would seek to deny an innocent child the sacrament because he didn't agree with their lifestyle. Maybe I've been lucky in the parishes I've lived in.
Mumoftwoinprimary · 02/04/2021 18:44

As someone who helps at Sunday school I love it when we have a baptism going on. Means we get 20 kids instead of our usual three! I don’t care if they have never been to church before - everyone has to come for the first time at some point and “hatches, matches and dispatches” are when a lot of people do go to church. But sometimes people then like what we have to offer and come back. Which is wonderful.

That is a CofE view though - I think Catholics are a bit stricter.

EileenGC · 02/04/2021 18:45

YANBU.

I’m Christian but in my religion we don’t baptise/christen small children. It’s something you choose to do when you grow up and the church goes against baptism of babies who haven’t actually expressed any desire to join the religion. I was 14 when I was baptised and that was on the early side, most people get baptised in their late teens. It’s something that is left up to you and I really think this is the best way. I never felt pressure from my family to be baptised earlier, so I just chose to do it when I was ready and understood what that commitment meant.

What we do have, and I think is a lovely tradition, is a dedication ceremony. The parents bring the baby in front of the church and the minister, and we pray for the new member of the family. We consecrate the baby to God and pray for him/her to be watched over and the parents and wider community to be given the strength and wisdom to nurture and raise their child in the best possible way. It’s a lovely way of celebrating a new baby without making a commitment to a specific religion on behalf of the baby. After all, they don’t yet have the capacity to choose, and religion is a very personal thing that parents can expose their children to, but shouldn’t force them into.

ancientgran · 02/04/2021 18:45

@2bazookas

Just do nothing and it won't happen.

I bet you a walnut whirl your DH will never bother to organise a christening, godparents etc.

My father organised my baptism. I was born on a Thursday in the days where women stayed in their bedroom for a week after the birth, I was baptised on the Sunday so my mother couldn't attend. He arranged godparents, it isn't rocket science.
shouldistop · 02/04/2021 18:46

Tbh the time to discuss all of this was prior to deciding to have a child. Religion or no religion is an important aspect to bringing up a child so best discussed before.

ShinyMe · 02/04/2021 18:47

I would be amazed if a catholic priest would baptise a child of non-practicing parents.

I used to have a devout catholic boyfriend and spent many weekends with his family, and went to mass with them. I was very much not a catholic, but went along as it was what they did. The mass itself didn't bother me, I quite enjoyed the ritual and the mood. One week though, the mass was a group christening and they christened maybe 5 babies and confirmed a dozen or so children. I absolutely hated it, there were very strict promises and rules of what the families were promising and what the children were committing to, and it felt very wrong to me, to be making these decisions for babies and children who didn't have the capacity to decide for themselves. It wasn't just dabbing a bit of water on their head and naming them.

drpet49 · 02/04/2021 18:48

* I dont understand people christening their kids if they dont attend church*

^I don’t either.

Parsley1234 · 02/04/2021 18:49

We had a beautiful humanist ceremony in my sons godmothers garden with afternoon tea and Bellinis my sons father is Hindu and I am humanist it was totally awesome and several people had humanist funerals after they experienced how great it was ! Look into it it’s a lovely embracing way of life