To think step-children in their 20s no longer need their "own" rooms in our house?

[cattypussclaw]

We live in a 4-bed house. My husband and I have a 15 year old daughter. My husband has two children in their 20s from his first marriage.

We purchased this house 15 years ago, when I was pregnant and each of the children had their own room. It still remains that way. My step-son visits regularly (roughly fortnightly) as he and his Dad have a hobby they pursue together. My step-daughter visits once or twice a year, sometimes staying overnight (maybe two nights if she visits at Christmas). Both my step-children still live with their Mum about half an hours drive away. Neither of them keep much in the way of personal possessions here. My step-daughter has nothing and my step-son only has a few spare clothes. Their choice, nothing to do with me.

I was thinking that I'd actually like the smallest bedroom as a room for me. I have lots of books, enjoy crafting and would like a space where I can leave out half-finished projects. I could also use it as an overflow for my clothes as our bedroom storage is small. My husband uses the study downstairs to work at home (I work full time but outside of the home) so he has "his" space for all his gaming and techy stuff.

Would it be unreasonable of me to "reclaim" this room from my step-son? My step-children are very rarely here at the same time (maybe every other Christmas for a day) and we would still have one room available for them. If they both wanted to stay, I'm sure we could muddle by for one night, with someone on an air bed in the lounge (happy for that to be me).

Should it be expected that we keep two rooms available, at all times, just in case of a visit from my step-children? AIBU to suggest this to my husband and expect him to agree?

I would redecorate the larger room and have it as a lovely guest room with a double bed that either of them could use.

Then have the small room for you, squeezing a small sofa bed in there if possible.

Argh that was in reply to “would you do it if it was your own daughter?” question.
Wanting a craft room doesn’t make you a wicked stepmother. YANBU at all, OP.

Yes you are if they were being treated the same way by your ex’s new partner you wouldn’t be happy.

I would take the bigger room but put a sofa bed in so they both can stay over at the same time. Maybe make the smaller room more neutral.

@cattypussclaw

Wow, can't believe all the replies!

My stepchildren - for those who asked - are 26 and 23.

My step-son has a long term girlfriend who lives with her parents not far from us so (before Covid) they both used to stay with us together. Hence me wanting to give them the opportunity of the larger room and a double bed (his room has a small double or large single or whatever it's called). I know they are talking about getting a place together at some point and want to live close to her family so, if they do that, they probably won't want/need to stay with us at all.

All the replies have given me lots of ideas so thank you all. I could talk to my step-son and see if he'd prefer to keep his old room with the smaller bed or a new bed in a bigger room. Then I can redecorate around that as he is the one who is here most often.

There would always be room for them here somewhere, they'd never not be welcome. My daughter adores her big sister and brother (we never went down the "half" road, we just called them her brother and sister) and loves them coming to stay.

Happy Easter everyone!

How big is your daughters room? If the SS room is a better room maybe the answer is to move her into that room, and use her room as a spare room and the small room as your space. It would mean more decorating but that way there is a more general shift around of rooms rather than targeting the stepchildrens old rooms specifically.

Having said that , it sounds as though both the SC have moved comfortably into adult life so I think the worry is inside your head because you are a kind person, who is trying to do the best for everyone and not accidentally hurt feelings. I think if you broach the subject neither of them will object.

I'd make the larger room a guest room and the smaller room as my space. That way in future if they had children they would have space for air beds etc for the children too. Never expected a room in my parents house once I'd moved out.

@UrsulaBee

When your own daughter is that age would you remove her room??

Yes. Most people do not have a child's room when their kids have their own places but guest rooms.

I haven't had rooms in eother parent's houses since I left for uni at 18.

One thing my stepmum always does for me, when I am due to stay, is pop fresh flowers in the room I'll be sleeping in (sometimes this is an airbed in the office) - or a book she thinks I'll like or a bit of fudge or something like that.

It's a small gesture that always makes me feel more at home in their home - which is a house I have never lived in.

OP, it's your house. Don't ever sleep on the sofa. As long as all dc are still welcome overnight, then what happens to their rooms when they move out is up to you and dh.

Create one guest room, and whoever needs or wants to stay can do so. Then that room can always function as the 'need to move back in' room, for if life goes wrong at some point and someone needs a safety net.

They are lucky that you have the space for a spare bedroom!

Having been a step child myself, I am normally firmly in the corner of the stepchildren, but even I can see from this scenario that it seems madness to keep two rooms not in use for most of the year. The sensible action would be to take the small room for your craft room, and decorate the larger room in neutral colours, with a double bed. But to obviously mention to both before you do it, just out of courtesy.

if they both wanted to stay, I'm sure we could muddle by for one night, with someone on an air bed in the lounge (happy for that to be me)

How would that work? Which one of them would be expected to share a bed with their dad?

When our eldest left for Uni we started using it as a study as she has the biggest desk, but we move out when she’s comes back in the holidays so she has her room back when she’s here.

How would that work? Which one of them would be expected to share a bed with their dad?

Presumably the boy? Or one of them could sleep on the air bed. Either would be a perfectly acceptable solution.

I moved out at 23, I don’t think my DM + DSD kept my room as MY room for long (became a guest room) and I haven’t had a room in any of DM’s houses since (has moved more than once)

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP if both SC have rooms (and live permanently) elsewhere but I would explain your reasoning to everyone so nobody feels pushed out, I would definitely include a fold out bed/sofa bed of some kind in that room too for Christmas etc so that everyone still has their own space xx

Have you talked about this yet with the family?

Why should she talk about it with two grown up children who have permanent rooms elsewhere and will still have access to a room ? How long does this continue ? Until they are in their 40s? 🙄

Where exactly did I say she should? Even more, where did I say she needs their approval?

The OP has asked a question on MN and her worry might stem from having approached the subject with the family in some way. It's fair to ask if the OP knows their opinion, for better advice. If she doesn't know, maybe she doesn't even need to worry. If she has mentioned, even in passing, and they resist the idea, then she may need to be reassured that she's not unreasonable and how to overcome their resistance without creating family problems.

UrsulaBee

When your own daughter is that age would you remove her room??“

We have 🤷‍♀️ She’s married, has a baby and is buying her own house. Her bedroom has become a guest room now. She’s very welcome to use it, when she’s a guest.

[quote Jeeperscreepers69]@cattypussclaw. Question... How can ypu sleep on the settee? Are the kids going to sleep in with dad?[/quote]
No, sorry, I didn't word that very well. When I said I, I really meant we. My husband will sleep on any even vaguely flat surface so he won't care where he sleeps. I wouldn't expect anyone to have to suffer his snoring and fidgeting.

It would be more likely that my husband would be on the sofa, my daughter would sleep next to me and either one of the stepchildren could have her room (double bed). But if I had to sleep somewhere else, I'd not be bothered for a couple of nights.

Oh goodness, I am lucky. I still have my room at my mum's house. I'm over 50!

They never had visitors though, other than us. They didn't need it for anything else.

@UrsulaBee

When your own daughter is that age would you remove her room??

Neither my mum or my Dad still have 'my' room. I'm an adult, why would they?

Of course you should use the rooms as you wish. They don’t live with you. There are guests.

It’s fine. My stepchildren’s rooms are generic spare rooms now.

@UrsulaBee

When your own daughter is that age would you remove her room??

I ‘repurposed’ my DD1s bedroom when she finished Uni as she was living with her BF by then. We moved house when my DD2 finished Uni and now live in a 2 bed house - the 2nd bedroom is set up for grandchildren!

But the stepson visits regularly!!? Use the daughters room surely 🤷‍♀️

@winniestone37 did you even read the thread? She wants to give whoever is staying the bigger, nicer room.