To think step-children in their 20s no longer need their "own" rooms in our house?

[cattypussclaw]

We live in a 4-bed house. My husband and I have a 15 year old daughter. My husband has two children in their 20s from his first marriage.

We purchased this house 15 years ago, when I was pregnant and each of the children had their own room. It still remains that way. My step-son visits regularly (roughly fortnightly) as he and his Dad have a hobby they pursue together. My step-daughter visits once or twice a year, sometimes staying overnight (maybe two nights if she visits at Christmas). Both my step-children still live with their Mum about half an hours drive away. Neither of them keep much in the way of personal possessions here. My step-daughter has nothing and my step-son only has a few spare clothes. Their choice, nothing to do with me.

I was thinking that I'd actually like the smallest bedroom as a room for me. I have lots of books, enjoy crafting and would like a space where I can leave out half-finished projects. I could also use it as an overflow for my clothes as our bedroom storage is small. My husband uses the study downstairs to work at home (I work full time but outside of the home) so he has "his" space for all his gaming and techy stuff.

Would it be unreasonable of me to "reclaim" this room from my step-son? My step-children are very rarely here at the same time (maybe every other Christmas for a day) and we would still have one room available for them. If they both wanted to stay, I'm sure we could muddle by for one night, with someone on an air bed in the lounge (happy for that to be me).

Should it be expected that we keep two rooms available, at all times, just in case of a visit from my step-children? AIBU to suggest this to my husband and expect him to agree?

It’s your house. The SC are adults now. They will have to fit in with the way you want to run your house. Their main residence is with their Mum anyway.
However it can be difficult. I remember when we were selling our house and we had painted the room my SD usually stayed in when she visited. I have to say it wasn’t specifically her room. It was used as a spare room for any guest that was staying over at ours. When she saw it had been repainted all hell broke loose! Screaming at her Dad about how dare we paint her room without consulting her first and anyway she didn’t want it changed! She was an adult by this time. Certainly wasn’t acting like one though!
Do what you want with your own house. It’s yours and your husbands to do what you want with it.

@EnoughnowIthink

Fine. Assuming you would do the same with your own child.

Presumably her own child might stay over more than twice a year if it was their main home.

I think it makes sense.
My DH's parents have 3 adult children and 4 grandchildren. They moved house around 5 years ago and have 1 spare bedroom and 1 room for the kids to stay over (don't have more than 1 child at a time to stay).

I'm not sure many adult children expect to have their own bedroom at their parents house unless they actually live there?

It's not even a stepchild issue is it?

Should I maintain the childhood bedroom for the sole use of an adult who has their own home but who visits.

It would be bonkers to say yes.

YANBU - I moved out of home 8 years ago and within less than 2 years my room (well the whole house to be honest) was redecorated and totally renovated. If I stay (over Christmas etc) I don’t even sleep in what was my old room anymore. There’s no trace of me living there at all!

So no, you shouldn’t have any guilt or trouble turning that room into “your” space - maybe even plop in a sofa bed or something in case of multiple visitors. I think it’s just a given that if a whole family come to stay, someone ends up on an air bed or the sofa downstairs. Go for it.

I think one room for guests is reasonable.

I'd leave a room set up as a spare room for the step son since he stays regularly but not the step daughter. 🤷🏼‍♀️

When I move my own Dd won't be getting her own room.
It'll be a two bed flat for me.
She's an adult now and has her own place.

Wow, can't believe all the replies!

My stepchildren - for those who asked - are 26 and 23.

My step-son has a long term girlfriend who lives with her parents not far from us so (before Covid) they both used to stay with us together. Hence me wanting to give them the opportunity of the larger room and a double bed (his room has a small double or large single or whatever it's called). I know they are talking about getting a place together at some point and want to live close to her family so, if they do that, they probably won't want/need to stay with us at all.

All the replies have given me lots of ideas so thank you all. I could talk to my step-son and see if he'd prefer to keep his old room with the smaller bed or a new bed in a bigger room. Then I can redecorate around that as he is the one who is here most often.

There would always be room for them here somewhere, they'd never not be welcome. My daughter adores her big sister and brother (we never went down the "half" road, we just called them her brother and sister) and loves them coming to stay.

Happy Easter everyone!

You sound like a great step mum OP. It's lovely to read a thread where a step mum considers her step children as very much part of the family, but doesn't let them dictate how the household runs.

Ha. It's nothing to do with step kids or otherwise. I havent had "my" room at home since I was about 21. I sleep wherever is free when we visit, depends if I'm with DH or if it's just me and the kids etc!!

It's fine. I lost my bedroom when I moved out after uni- it was redecorated and became the guest bedroom.

Go for it! It’s your home full time.

When I went to uni my brother took over my room that night and I had a mattress on the floor when I came back and never gave it a second thought. But none of us ever had our own rooms at our dads as he could only afford a 1.5 bedroom cottage and there are 4 of us so we bunked up wherever and suffered no harm. We’re all different!

I left home at 17, my mom redecorated the room the same week.
If i had stayed overnight would have been on the sofa.
It’s your house do what you wish with the space!!

@cattypussclaw. Question... How can ypu sleep on the settee? Are the kids going to sleep in with dad?

YANBU

Neither live with u so shouldn't have a room. If they did lice with u, & if they pay rent they could have a room.

Keep 1 room as a guest room & 1 room for your hobby. Your hubby has his hobby room so it's about time u had urs especially as u work all day.

But remember to keep it fair when your daughter moves out. Turn her room into a guest room too so anyone of the 3 could stay in there.

Would it be worth having a day bed or sofa bed in your craft if there’s room, just so that if both do want to stay at the same time you have two beds?
That basically what we did.

Nothing wrong with having a space of your own. My "spare" is multifunctional and has a bed settee in it for if any of them stay over. I think it might have even been one of their ideas to use the room as something else. I know they came and helped sort everything out and even helped to redecorate it. Just forget how the whole thing started!!
Also makes things easier for when I downsize as I don't have the energy to maintain a house that's too big for the needs of people who might stay.

I bet they will be fine when you ask them so long as

As long as there is room to stay

I wouldn't get rid of the double bed. They'll be bringing partners to stay sooner rather than later.
Use the larger room as the spare room, unless you can fit a double in the smaller one.

YANBU OP. If your step DD rarely stays it makes sense to redecorate that room and have it as your own hobby space. As suggested I would put a daybed in there and use the rest of the space for your hobby-craft stuff.
My DD1 leaves for university in September so we’ll probably do something with her room. And keep a bed in there for when she comes home in the holidays.

After I left home for uni my parents moved and when I came back in the holidays I got a put-u-up in the dining room!

So no, I don't think it's unreasonable or unusual to expect grown up children to make do with guest bedrooms or spare rooms.

As others suggest, I'd keep the stepson's room as is for the time being and turn the other room into a craft/dressing/guest room.

I absolutely would if my daughter only visited once or twice a year!