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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think step-children in their 20s no longer need their "own" rooms in our house?

193 replies

cattypussclaw · 02/04/2021 13:15

We live in a 4-bed house. My husband and I have a 15 year old daughter. My husband has two children in their 20s from his first marriage.

We purchased this house 15 years ago, when I was pregnant and each of the children had their own room. It still remains that way. My step-son visits regularly (roughly fortnightly) as he and his Dad have a hobby they pursue together. My step-daughter visits once or twice a year, sometimes staying overnight (maybe two nights if she visits at Christmas). Both my step-children still live with their Mum about half an hours drive away. Neither of them keep much in the way of personal possessions here. My step-daughter has nothing and my step-son only has a few spare clothes. Their choice, nothing to do with me.

I was thinking that I'd actually like the smallest bedroom as a room for me. I have lots of books, enjoy crafting and would like a space where I can leave out half-finished projects. I could also use it as an overflow for my clothes as our bedroom storage is small. My husband uses the study downstairs to work at home (I work full time but outside of the home) so he has "his" space for all his gaming and techy stuff.

Would it be unreasonable of me to "reclaim" this room from my step-son? My step-children are very rarely here at the same time (maybe every other Christmas for a day) and we would still have one room available for them. If they both wanted to stay, I'm sure we could muddle by for one night, with someone on an air bed in the lounge (happy for that to be me).

Should it be expected that we keep two rooms available, at all times, just in case of a visit from my step-children? AIBU to suggest this to my husband and expect him to agree?

OP posts:

TrustTheGeneGenie · 02/04/2021 13:34

@UrsulaBee

When your own daughter is that age would you remove her room??

Well I would if she didn't bloody live there!

Op I think it's fine, would do as a pp said and make the spare room into a lovely guest room they can both use.

NoSquirrels · 02/04/2021 13:34

By our mid 20s, when we’d properly moved out (I.e. not university housing) my parents redecorated all the rooms to be spare rooms and we sleep in whichever makes sense. We still call them ‘our’ rooms (Am I sleeping in my room or X’s room tonight?) but they’re just neutral spare rooms. Didn’t occur to me to be offended!

DoubleHelix79 · 02/04/2021 13:35

When I moved out to go to university I loaded up my car, set off, and 10 minutes later remembered I'd forgotten the key to my new accommodation. I turned around and by the time I got back (this was a mere 20 minutes after I'd been waved off) my parents were already carrying their things into my old room. They did look a bit sheepish :-D

DeciduousPerennial · 02/04/2021 13:36

Take one of the rooms, whichever one you would prefer, and turn the other one into a nicely decorated room that makes it clear both are still welcome to stay, but recognises that things have moved on due to their ages.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 02/04/2021 13:36

Definitely not unreasonable as soon as my DSS grew up, got his own place & stopped staying regularly I moved my DH in there.

ChristinaYang10 · 02/04/2021 13:39

When your own daughter is that age would you remove her room??

Plenty of people in their twenties who don’t live at home have their rooms converted into something more useful by their parents. My DH’s old room is now an office, and his brother’s old room is a library/reading/music room. I cannot imagine caring about this as an adult (my old room is still a bedroom but I was asked to remove any personal stuff of mine so it could be turned into a proper guest room).

Original poster

cattypussclaw · 02/04/2021 13:41

That made me laugh out loud, Doublehelix.

I should add, neither of my stepchildren are students. They both work full time in jobs in their home town (but neither earn a fortune so don't blame them for staying at home with their Mum, rather than getting their own places).

I had "my" room at my parents' house, as did my sister, and they were always "our" rooms but gradually filled up with other things. We only lost them when Mum & Dad moved house a few years ago.

OP posts:

Vivi0 · 02/04/2021 13:42

@UrsulaBee

When your own daughter is that age would you remove her room??

Age is irrelevant.

I moved out at 18 and my room was repurposed within a week.

My younger sister moved out at 27 and again, her room was repurposed almost immediately.

I’d keep one room as a general guest room and use the other for your crafts.

A bedroom at your parents’ house is not a room for life!

As soon as the word “step” gets mentioned, some posters lose all sense of proportion.

billy1966 · 02/04/2021 13:42

@MySocalledLoaf

I would reclaim both rooms and rearrange stuff to avoid showing favouritism and put a foldout armchair in the smaller room so that you still have two rooms for guests.

This. Great idea.

ohnoisaid2much · 02/04/2021 13:43

I'd turn the bigger of the two rooms into a guest room with two single beds.
I'd then convert and use the smaller room as my space perhaps with a pullout sofa in case someone wanted to sleep in there.
The only consideration that would be a challenge I storing any items the step kids would have left behind (do they have their own homes or do you have an attic/garage?)

BarbaraofSeville · 02/04/2021 13:44

Why are you even asking? Why wouldn't he agree?

They don't need the rooms and you've plenty of space to fit them in on the rare occasion they do stay.

Keepmekeeping · 02/04/2021 13:46

If they don't live with you they don't get to claim the space, take the big room and make the small one a guest room. I never understand why people keep their kids rooms for them.

Original poster

cattypussclaw · 02/04/2021 13:53

BarbaraofSeville - My husband still feels guilty about leaving his children when his marriage broke down. Even though, by his own admission, he saw more of the children after he left (having them for weekends rather than disappearing off to play golf every weekend to get away from a toxic home life). After all this time, he still worries if he feels that our daughter has "more" than them in some way (despite the fact that my step-children were privately educated and our daughter wasn't so all things are not always - and cannot be - equal). I just think he might react badly if bedroom distribution isn't seen to be equitable

OP posts:

Youseethethingis · 02/04/2021 13:53

Are you nervous to speak to your husband because of previous clashes?
You live there and they don’t, that’s really all there is to it.

Youseethethingis · 02/04/2021 13:55

Cross post. Thought as much.
Do you even have to ask him? I’d just naturally migrate into one of the empty rooms to be honest, save all the angst for the day one of your DSC declare their abiding hurt over it.

ancientgran · 02/04/2021 13:58

My children don't have their own rooms in my house, they are all adults, don't know why an adult step child would have one.

raincamepouringdown · 02/04/2021 14:01

Our oldest already knows that his room will become a younger sibling's room when he eventually leaves for university. Why? Because he has the biggest room out of the 3 of them; would be a complete and utter waste to leave it empty while he's at school. He can downsize for the times he's home.

It's a luxury to have extra rooms. i think a lot of MN lives in a bubble with all this talk of 'so long as everyone has a place to sleep if they decide to visit'.

Original poster

cattypussclaw · 02/04/2021 14:02

Youseethethingis - Yes, a little. I suffered very badly with PND and we had some difficult times when our daughter was tiny and I was struggling. There were a few times when I didn't want my step-children here, I just wanted some space and peace and quiet to try and get my head round being a Mum and he insisted on them being here.

We have usually been on the same page about things relating to all the children but that was a tricky time for us.

Overall, we have worked pretty well as a blended family, I think. I've always got on well (to a point) with his ex and, in fact, we have a photo of him at a friend's wedding stood between his ex and I. He looks very awkward.

But I don't believe that it is complete plain sailing for any step-parent. There are always going to be differences of opinion. When my two stepchildren first came to stay with us, I had no idea which way up children even went. It was a steep learning curve!

OP posts:

Tinydinosaur · 02/04/2021 14:04

YANBU adult children who don't live full time in your house don't need their own room. I lost my room at my mums when I left for uni at 18. I never had my own room at my dad's.

PADH · 02/04/2021 14:04

@UrsulaBee

When your own daughter is that age would you remove her room??

I had my room repurposed by my parents in my 20s... I was a grown adult and didn't live there anymore.

Calmdown14 · 02/04/2021 14:05

Take the bigger room. It will be easier to make dual purpose. IKEA do a lovely day bed that pulls out to a double..my mum put one in my room when I moved out so it was a more useable space but still had somewhere to stay

daisychain01 · 02/04/2021 14:13

If you need the room, make sure you talk to both your step DCs about it, as adults. It will make a difference if you explain why you need to use the room, and also come up with some ideas for sleeping arrangements when they do come to stay. Any personal belongings could still be left there, couldn't they, as it doesn't sound like they take up lots of space?.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 02/04/2021 14:15

Take the bigger room, make it fit for what you want and put a sofa bed in there but if your DH isn't in agreement, stick a sofa bed in his study instead and he can work from the kitchen table

Chooseausernamenow · 02/04/2021 14:15

It’s always a bit of a sensitive one with step children. I have a 27 year old step son who lived at the other end of the uk. He came to live with us when he was 18 and then moved into his girlfriend’s a couple of years ago. I absolutely felt like we could use his room as we chose, but my husband was adamant that we always have to have a room for the children (we have another adult son together who still lives with us).
It was quite a source of tension and his point was kind of proved when he split up with his girlfriend a year later and moved back in with us.
He has his own house now and we use the room as a spare room.
I think your situation is slightly different in that your stepchildren still live at home, so probably should have a room at yours. If the daughter is never there though I would be tempted to put my craft stuff in there.

kurentovanje · 02/04/2021 14:17

It would make more sense to take the step-daughter's room, surely, even if it's bigger? With these things I think it always depends on their life-stage and how often they visit. If they are living independently with a partner/alone, then it's fine, and equally if they're living with their mother I think it's fine. The only time I'd say perhaps keep the room for now was if they were both still in that stage of being in shared houses and were in precarious employment, but if that's not the case then go ahead.

I would have a conversation before with the step-daughter/son before though, just to explain why and reassure them that they are welcome whenever.

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