To think step-children in their 20s no longer need their "own" rooms in our house?

[cattypussclaw]

We live in a 4-bed house. My husband and I have a 15 year old daughter. My husband has two children in their 20s from his first marriage.

We purchased this house 15 years ago, when I was pregnant and each of the children had their own room. It still remains that way. My step-son visits regularly (roughly fortnightly) as he and his Dad have a hobby they pursue together. My step-daughter visits once or twice a year, sometimes staying overnight (maybe two nights if she visits at Christmas). Both my step-children still live with their Mum about half an hours drive away. Neither of them keep much in the way of personal possessions here. My step-daughter has nothing and my step-son only has a few spare clothes. Their choice, nothing to do with me.

I was thinking that I'd actually like the smallest bedroom as a room for me. I have lots of books, enjoy crafting and would like a space where I can leave out half-finished projects. I could also use it as an overflow for my clothes as our bedroom storage is small. My husband uses the study downstairs to work at home (I work full time but outside of the home) so he has "his" space for all his gaming and techy stuff.

Would it be unreasonable of me to "reclaim" this room from my step-son? My step-children are very rarely here at the same time (maybe every other Christmas for a day) and we would still have one room available for them. If they both wanted to stay, I'm sure we could muddle by for one night, with someone on an air bed in the lounge (happy for that to be me).

Should it be expected that we keep two rooms available, at all times, just in case of a visit from my step-children? AIBU to suggest this to my husband and expect him to agree?

I think a lot of people on MN live in very large houses if they are able to keep their adult DC's bedrooms as a specific room for those DC should they visit . I can understand if they are at uni and it's still their main home but after that , if you require a neutral spare bedroom , an office, a craft room , a gym, or whatever , as long as there is space for a fold up bed, why would you not have a house which meets your needs the 50 weeks a year they aren't with you.

I do understand, OP, the differences in this case due to the sensitivities of them being your step children .

I moved out when I was 21 and I’m pretty sure my mattress was still warm when my brother claimed my bedroom and my mum turned his into a guest room.

@N51BU

As the SS comes on a regular basis it seems odd to use his room over the SD who comes once in a blue moon

As the SS comes much more often if you really want to use that room I would allow him to have the SD's room instead. Somebody who visits 1-2 times a year can't expect to have their own room anyway imo

I agree with that.

Take whichever room you prefer and reconfigure the other as a "guest" bedroom. SS's spare clothes can be kept in that room and he and SD can fight over who gets it if they are ever both there together.

And don't sleep in the lounge! Give the other one the airbed in your DH's study when they both visit.

I'm surprised there's no-one (yet) shrieking about how horrible it is to let the people who live in the house use it as they see fit, because apparently some on MN believe that a step-child should keep a room in both parents' houses until they are middle-aged.

YANBU. Rooms in a house are for the people who live in the house. Children who moved away are welcome to visit, but it's silly to leave a room standing empty all year for the sake of two or three nights of visits.

I was going to say why not take the SD's room instead until I saw what you'd said - if neither of them have much there, then it does make more sense to keep the larger room available to them for their use (or any other guests) BUT that does also make it "the guest room", which might feel a bit less welcoming, if your SC are inclined to feel that way.

However, I would ask your stepson how he feels about it - he may not have that much attachment to the room and would be quite happy to stay in the bigger room when he comes!

Aside of all the feelings, YANBU to want to use the rooms - it's slightly mad to have them kept unused for most of the time.

My bedroom at my parents' house was taken over by first my mum and then my Dad, and is now a half-guest room but filled with mostly Dad's stuff (as well as some of my old stuff - they've never made me take everything away). My siblings' rooms have gone the same way - but if we need to stay, we stay in the "spare room", which is much bigger and has its own shower and basin, so more useful!

Take the larger room to have as much space as possible. I'd actually re-decorate both rooms, so they are multi-purpose but have for example a fold-down Murphy bed and/or sofa bed in both rooms, so on the rare occasion they stay, they have somewhere to sleep. I'd reframe these rooms as your hobby room and a generic guest room.

It’s YOUR HOME TOO!

Definitely take the bigger room for your own use and make the smaller room into a permanent guest room and let your step-son store his stuff in there. Providing you have a sofa bed in the larger bedroom, that will suffice for when the step daughter visits.

I have adult step children who have their own places now. Luckily all 4 bedrooms upstairs are doubles so I have one decorated in light neutral colours that’s now the designated guest bedroom. I have put a sofa bed in the other spare room that’s now my sewing/craft room and there’s a sofa bed in my son’s room for when he has friends to sleepover.

I briefly gave up my craft room when we had a group of visitors, 3 years ago for a whole week but in normal use, it’s my room. DH has his own study downstairs.

My son is only a child and has never had a bedroom at his dads house so I cannot see the problem with this. They are grown adults who don’t stay that often. YANBU.

I also think taking the larger room makes sense because you will still then have 2 spare rooms.

God, my own children won't be having their own rooms in my house once they've left for uni, so my DSC definitely won't!

My son's girlfriend was devastated when her Mum made her old bedroom into her sewing/craft room - and she's 27.

DS is 21 and moved out to live with his girlfriend. That weekend we were clearing out his room and decorating it for DD who is 8 to move into. She had the small room, which is now a guest room.

No way am I wasting a room as a shrine for DS. If he does move back then he is in the spare room.

YANBU when my sister moved to uni, I got her room( I was 4 years younger), my old room was knocked through for extra living space. When she came home she had the spare room.I went to uni and my room became a guest room. I did have a few things there but when I got my first proper home at 22- I took those with me. We go to my parents probably a couple of weeks in total across the year, we have the guest
Room.

So personally turn them into whatever you want too, it’s perfectly fine too.

I would repurpose both rooms. The smaller one becomes your craft room and the other becomes a guest bedroom that DSS or DSD can use when they come to visit.

For your craft room, you could get a desk that turns into a bed. We had one for our spare room before we turned it into our nursery. You could leave things on the desk when using the bed without having to clean up.

www.studybed.co.uk/

How old is the DSS? When you say in his twenties, do you mean 20 or 29? If he is 20 and has been coming every fortnight continuously since he left school, staying in his teenage bedroom that was decorated and furnished for him, it might feel like a hint that he should stop his visits.

I think it's fine if you do it tactfully and make it clear that they are still welcome any time. Frame it as it's time to update and redecorate the rooms now they are adults and as they might want to bring a partner in the future you need to rethink the rooms. I'm assuming it's a single in the box room so your DSS would probably more comfortable in a double in the larger room. Could you fit a double sofa bed in the box room and still have room for your crafting stuff? It doesn't matter if it fills the entire floor space when it's open if it's just for the odd night. Is the study bigger? Would a sofa bed fit in it? If your DH uses it for gaming as well as WFH, a sofa would make a good addition.

Perfectly sensible to make the larger room a guest room and take the smaller room for a hobby room.

A guest room is perfectly fine for people who don't live in the home.

How long would you maintain their rooms? Till they're 30? 40?
Or go by life stage? If they have kids? If they buy a house?
Ridiculous. When you have left home permanently rather than eg uni, you no longer need a bedroom and visiting in the guest room is perfectly normal.

As their principal home is at their mother's I think it's fine. A say that as a step child approaching retirement whose mother took mybstamp off my bedroom when I was about 20 and I felt deeply I no longer had a "home" at home. DH on the other hand has his bedroom at his family home which still contains his O'Level books and cricket pads. There is a middle way I think.

As soon as the word “step” gets mentioned, some posters lose all sense of proportion.

Ohh yes, they certainly do.

OP it's absolutely fine to do what you like with the rooms in your own home, I'd have done it ages ago with an adult stepchild who stays twice a year!

Make one room a spare room, and one your craft room. Is SC visit they stay in spare room. They're adults and dont live with you.

@LemmysAceCard

DS is 21 and moved out to live with his girlfriend. That weekend we were clearing out his room and decorating it for DD who is 8 to move into. She had the small room, which is now a guest room.

No way am I wasting a room as a shrine for DS. If he does move back then he is in the spare room.

Lol. When my 19 year old son moved out we done exactly the same thing on the first weekend, decorated it, new bed, new furniture, as a spare room. His now wife and him still call it 'their room in jest when they visit.

I was just going to say what @Whammyyammy

I would just create a 'guest room' in one of the bedrooms and take the other one as the room with my books, arts and crafts. Guest room can be used by either of them to stay overnight.

I would also make sure there is a sofa bed or something similar at home to allow both kids stay with you at the same time.

@UrsulaBee

When your own daughter is that age would you remove her room??

If they no longer lived at home, then why on earth wouldn't you?

My mum turned my bedroom into a giant walk-in wardrobe when I moved out There's a bed for me if I ever need it (and occasionally pre-COVID I would stay over after a family meal or something) but I don't need a room of my own there anymore.

I'd think they were utterly bonkers if they kept a room unused just in case I decided to sleep over occasionally

Sounds fine to me. Surely you’d decorate at some point anyway. Larger room as spare room and box as your craft room. They could still leave things in spare room wardrobe. I’d speak to husband and give them chance to get stuff but sounds perfectly fine.