Should he be so upset that I slept with someone?

[lennoxing]

I didn't know how else to title it.

I have recently started seeing my ex partner again, I'll call him Pete, again after a year apart, things were going really well and we both felt like things were going to progress into a relationship.

Last night, I told him about the people I had slept with when we were apart and he wasn't at all bothered by any of them except one, I'll call him Jim. He used to be insecure about my (loose) friendship with Jim when we used to be together as he's a little notorious where we live.

He said he knows nothing went on between Jim and I when we were together but he can't fathom how and why I find him attractive and the fact I have slept with him reminds him of other girls who sleep with him purely for clout and his notoriety.

He, at first, said he couldn't look past it and that it ruins everything for him. He said that because of this he won't be able to form an emotional attachment with me now. Pete said that Jim isn't a good person and he doesn't understand why I would sleep with someone so awful.

I tried to tell him it was purely physical, but he said that his personality should mean that he isn't even physically attractive to me. He said that he thought our morals lined up, and that me sleeping with Jim tells him that they do not.

After he had calmed down a little, he said that if he were to look past it then he wouldn't want me around Jim at all, even though we share many of the same friends and socialise in some of the same circles.

I really like Pete and wanted things to progress, but I feel like he's being unreasonable? I don't know. This whole thing is making me feel sick with worry, I don't know what to do or if Pete will even end up looking past this.

You were on a break..

@pepsicolagirl

You were on a break..

It's not the fact I slept with someone, it's the fact it was him. Pete and I weren't together for a year. He isn't at all bothered by the others I was with in that time

Why does he believe Jim is such a bad person? What has Jim done?

It’s not his business to judge you like this, but it does appear to be a big issue for him.
Honestly I don’t think you can do anything to help him move past it, either he is able to do that on his own or he isn’t.

@yeOldeTrout

Why does he believe Jim is such a bad person? What has Jim done?

He's just known in our area for being a bit of a hot head and generally not as a good person. I explained to Pete that I had only ever had good experiences of Jim and I had never seen him be so much as rude to someone. I told him the negative things I "knew" about him were only what I had heard through the grape vine

Your relationship is doomed....

I’d be failing to develop an emotional attachment myself at this point. I think he’s setting you up for a few weeks or months of sex then an easy out for him where it’s all your fault.

Why does he find Jim so abhorrent? It's weird that he's so upset about it (unless Jim really is a monster) but it's up to him to decide if it's a deal breaker or not.

I can’t fathom why you would discuss people you slept with whilst you were separated...was never going to end well

I'd be more inclined to think Pete is jealous of Jim and the kind of man he is.
It sounds like Jim is quite a character, likely charismatic and probably good looking- and Jim feels inferior.

@Bellyups

I can’t fathom why you would discuss people you slept with whilst you were separated...was never going to end well

He wanted to know

Pete sounds like a sanctimonious twit.

stick with Jim

He wanted to know? It's none of his fucking business. Huge red flag, and you both sound incredibly immature. End it and move on.

He wanted to know who you’d slept with and is now throwing his toys out of the pram because he doesn’t see this bloke as ‘suitable’? He sounds hugely controlling to me, I would be running for the hills. You don’t need to tell him anything and you certainly don’t need to explain yourself.

I can kind of see this, if there was a woman you really disliked, were jealous of, were concerned about during your relationship, and he shagged her when you were split, how would you feel? And now you want to continue a relationship with Pete but still be friends with Jim and socialise with him,

On one side it’s none of his business, and I’m also not sure why you told him, as you will have known how he felt about the man, I’d Simply have said it was none of his business what I did when I was single, and I didn’t want to know about him either. But you did tell him and this was always likely to be the outcome.

Why on earth you were talking about people you shagged in your year apart, is beyond me.

But it sounds like it's going nowhere tbh.

You're bound to do something against his 'morals' further down the line.

No one gets to judge your sex life. What a twat. It has nothing to do with him. Honestly I can't express what a complete dick he is for thinking he gets an opinion.

Hmmm doesn’t sound promising, and you broke up originally for a reason. Move on to something fresh and with someone with less hang ups. The fact that he asked who you slept with is a massive red flag for me, and he sounds like he’s jealous of “Jim” for whatever reason. Also him telling you that he can’t develop an emotional connection to you now... why would you want that hanging over your head?! Walk away now.

This conversation was never going to end well. He can't stand Jim. Who knows why. It may be wrong, but Pete is judging you for having sex with someone he considers to be a low life.

Are you in the UK? If so, I'm impressed by the fact that in the past year you have been able to have a range of physical contact with others despite various Lockdown and social distancing rules.

Give him some time to think it over. Nothing you can do now. If he can’t get over it, for whatever reason, move on. You don’t need to be apologetic or tread on egg-shells because of this. I think I would sympathise with his disappointment if Jim is just a good shag and an arsehole otherwise but we’re all attracted to different things and you didn’t do anything wrong.

@pepsicolagirl

You were on a break..

And I'd be starting another one around about now.

Nobody tells me what I can and can't do, or who I can and can't see. Nobody gets to judge my morals and be around me.

He said that he thought our morals lined up, and that me sleeping with Jim tells him that they do not.

The alarm bell ringing at this detail is giving me a headache.

I bet he doesn't think anyone he's slept with is a reflection on his own morals. Men never do. But they're quick to judge women for it.

A lot of men really get in their feelings about women sleeping with or being attracted to the "bad boys". I've never fully understood why, but my theory is that it's partly because they don't want to believe that for women sex can be as casual and physical as it is for them. They want to think we only bestow sex on men we form an emotional bond with. And partly there's usually a hefty dose of jealousy there, but they can't even put it into words because it's all to do with how stereotypically "masculine" the other guy is.

Most women can admit to feeling jealous of another woman precisely because she's "hot", or "sexy". Men would never be able to put their feelings about other men in those terms, so it all comes out in this kind of inarticulate nonsense.

Anyway, the long and the short of this situation is that I don't think Pete sounds like the kind of man I could respect or be with. If he can't get past it, it's a reflection on him, not you OP.

It was none of his business but fair enough, you both chose to discuss it.

He’s had an instinctive reaction and maybe he’ll get over his feelings about it...but to be honest, I wouldn’t hold my breath. Best to start fresh with someone who isn’t trying to dictate who you can now socialise with.

Seems a bit like you’re his toy and he specifically doesn’t want to share with Jim..,

Pete has some weird hang ups about women and sex. He thinks the men they sleep with define them. Therefore he «needs to know» who they are as then he can judge your worth from who they are. And when Jim doesn’t pass muster, then you are considered of less worth. Do you really want a man who thinks about women in this way? I would walk away from this one. Find a man who respects women for who they are.

Pete can't help how he feels. I can see myself being put off someone who would shag someone who was say, a bit of a twat, just for "the physical" because it would tell me we weren't on the same page, I'm not a casual hookup kind of person. Sex means more to me, there's an emotional element, maybe that's also the case for Pete.