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Original poster

Should he be so upset that I slept with someone?

161 replies

lennoxing · 02/04/2021 12:44

I didn't know how else to title it.

I have recently started seeing my ex partner again, I'll call him Pete, again after a year apart, things were going really well and we both felt like things were going to progress into a relationship.

Last night, I told him about the people I had slept with when we were apart and he wasn't at all bothered by any of them except one, I'll call him Jim. He used to be insecure about my (loose) friendship with Jim when we used to be together as he's a little notorious where we live.

He said he knows nothing went on between Jim and I when we were together but he can't fathom how and why I find him attractive and the fact I have slept with him reminds him of other girls who sleep with him purely for clout and his notoriety.

He, at first, said he couldn't look past it and that it ruins everything for him. He said that because of this he won't be able to form an emotional attachment with me now. Pete said that Jim isn't a good person and he doesn't understand why I would sleep with someone so awful.

I tried to tell him it was purely physical, but he said that his personality should mean that he isn't even physically attractive to me. He said that he thought our morals lined up, and that me sleeping with Jim tells him that they do not.

After he had calmed down a little, he said that if he were to look past it then he wouldn't want me around Jim at all, even though we share many of the same friends and socialise in some of the same circles.

I really like Pete and wanted things to progress, but I feel like he's being unreasonable? I don't know. This whole thing is making me feel sick with worry, I don't know what to do or if Pete will even end up looking past this.

OP posts:
Kleptronic · 02/04/2021 13:09

If you're sick with worry over this he's already done a number on your head and he is a controlling twat. Get rid of him OP.

SilverRoe · 02/04/2021 13:10

I think it’s a red herring that he ‘only’ had a problem with one person. What’s to say he wouldn’t have found an issue with someone else if Jim wasn’t there for him to project his insecurity, jealousy and judgment onto?

Alsohuman · 02/04/2021 13:11

Why on earth you were talking about people you shagged in your year apart, is beyond me

Me too. Just because he asked doesn’t mean you had to tell him. It’s none of his business.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 02/04/2021 13:11

Maybe pete just doesnt want to be with you now. That doesn't mean he's judging you, it means that he is a grown up and entitled to choose who he is in a relationship with. He can decide for himself if and why this is enough of a thing to change his feelings for you. It doesnt mean you did anything bad or wrong it just means you maybe aren't suited.

Wallywobbles · 02/04/2021 13:11

Now you know this is never a conversation that ends well. At best it's a stick to beat you with for life.

HuxleyPigPanic · 02/04/2021 13:13

It was doomed last time and it is now. Revisit why it ended last time.

Oh and Pete will never get over it and will still throw it around forever.

Get out.

Amdone123 · 02/04/2021 13:14

Whilst it is none of his business, Jim will always be the elephant in the room. End it, and next time you're asked this question, tell them it's none of their business.

CloudFormations · 02/04/2021 13:15

Last night, I told him about the people I had slept with when we were apart

Probably not the best idea ever

StCharlotte · 02/04/2021 13:16

@pepsicolagirl

You were on a break..
Grin
KirstenBlest · 02/04/2021 13:17

You weren't together. You should have said it was nothing to do with him.

Pete is BU. Bin him.

ThereforeIAm · 02/04/2021 13:18

He’s not going to get past it. I’d call it a day now.

trunumber · 02/04/2021 13:19

Why did you break up last time?

diwrnachoflleyn · 02/04/2021 13:20

He needs to stay an ex.

RunningFromInsanity · 02/04/2021 13:21

Would you be happy for him to continue to socialise with someone you didn’t like, always felt a bit threatened by and he had slept with?

HollowTalk · 02/04/2021 13:21

I don't know - I can see his point, really. If the other guy is someone he really dislikes then I can see that he's questioning how well he knows you, if that's the sort of guy you were with.

You can often judge people by the company they keep. This comes up again and again on here where a partner is mixing with people the OP of those threads doesn't like.

Hailtomyteeth · 02/04/2021 13:22
  1. Don't tell people things they don't need to know
  2. His attitude suggests he should remain an ex
LilyVase · 02/04/2021 13:22

When I was 19, I was being persued by a guy who, when I arranged a date with him for the following week, promptly went out and had sex with a woman who had a similar personality to Jim, from the sounds of it.

When I found out I was massively put off. I did not like this woman and the fact that the guy wanted to sleep with her changed my opinion of him. He claimed he did it because he knew he wanted me to be his gf and he had always wanted to have sex with this girl- he was so sure I was ‘end game’ that he wanted to make sure he had sex with her before we got together. He told me it was purely physical and her personality didn’t matter to him, everything you’ve said. All of that put me off him so I cancelled the date. He perused me aggressively for another year, told me that having sex with her was no reflection on me, or him, etc. I disagreed. It changed the way I saw him. So I can see what Pete means by that tbh.

If I was in your shoes, I’d end it now. He’s never going to get over it and he’s always going to hold it over you. Jim will always be the elephant in the room, and even if he says he’s over it he won’t be.

Dozer · 02/04/2021 13:22

Urgh, wouldn’t continue a relationship with Pete. Sounds like he’s looking for a stick to beat you with.

wingsnthat · 02/04/2021 13:25

Last night, I told him about the people I had slept with when we were apart

Sorry but why? That was never going to end well, and you did nothing wrong so it’s not like he needed to know

he wouldn't want me around Jim at all

He definitely would be OTT if he said this before you split up, but I can somewhat understand now as you did recently have sex with him, Jim is basically your ex and your current partner feels insecure. I see posters on here demand that the OP tells their husband to cut contact with the other women fairly regularly. I don’t see why this is different? The dynamic of your friendship with Jim has changed. If you think your partner is controlling, you should end the relationship again.

joysexjoysex · 02/04/2021 13:26

@LilyVase

When I was 19, I was being persued by a guy who, when I arranged a date with him for the following week, promptly went out and had sex with a woman who had a similar personality to Jim, from the sounds of it.

When I found out I was massively put off. I did not like this woman and the fact that the guy wanted to sleep with her changed my opinion of him. He claimed he did it because he knew he wanted me to be his gf and he had always wanted to have sex with this girl- he was so sure I was ‘end game’ that he wanted to make sure he had sex with her before we got together. He told me it was purely physical and her personality didn’t matter to him, everything you’ve said. All of that put me off him so I cancelled the date. He perused me aggressively for another year, told me that having sex with her was no reflection on me, or him, etc. I disagreed. It changed the way I saw him. So I can see what Pete means by that tbh.

If I was in your shoes, I’d end it now. He’s never going to get over it and he’s always going to hold it over you. Jim will always be the elephant in the room, and even if he says he’s over it he won’t be.

That's not the same thing at all.
yeOldeTrout · 02/04/2021 13:28

If Pete is fussing because he has personality clash with Jim then Pete is being VU.

Susie477 · 02/04/2021 13:30

OP, If, while you were apart, Pete had slept with a woman who you have very good reason to strongly dislike, who you believe to be a horrible person and who you completely distrust, would you be OK with that? And would you be happy for Pete to continue to mix with this woman once you & he were back together?

YoniAndGuy · 02/04/2021 13:33

Dump Pete again, is the answer to this!

Original poster
lennoxing · 02/04/2021 13:33

@yeOldeTrout

If Pete is fussing because he has personality clash with Jim then Pete is being VU.
Pete has never even met Jim, he's seen him in person twice
OP posts:
Kokosrieksts · 02/04/2021 13:34

I cannot understand the conversation in the first place, why would you give a list of names who you’ve slept with? Hmm

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