Should he be so upset that I slept with someone?

[lennoxing]

I didn't know how else to title it.

I have recently started seeing my ex partner again, I'll call him Pete, again after a year apart, things were going really well and we both felt like things were going to progress into a relationship.

Last night, I told him about the people I had slept with when we were apart and he wasn't at all bothered by any of them except one, I'll call him Jim. He used to be insecure about my (loose) friendship with Jim when we used to be together as he's a little notorious where we live.

He said he knows nothing went on between Jim and I when we were together but he can't fathom how and why I find him attractive and the fact I have slept with him reminds him of other girls who sleep with him purely for clout and his notoriety.

He, at first, said he couldn't look past it and that it ruins everything for him. He said that because of this he won't be able to form an emotional attachment with me now. Pete said that Jim isn't a good person and he doesn't understand why I would sleep with someone so awful.

I tried to tell him it was purely physical, but he said that his personality should mean that he isn't even physically attractive to me. He said that he thought our morals lined up, and that me sleeping with Jim tells him that they do not.

After he had calmed down a little, he said that if he were to look past it then he wouldn't want me around Jim at all, even though we share many of the same friends and socialise in some of the same circles.

I really like Pete and wanted things to progress, but I feel like he's being unreasonable? I don't know. This whole thing is making me feel sick with worry, I don't know what to do or if Pete will even end up looking past this.

@Susie477

OP, If, while you were apart, Pete had slept with a woman who you have very good reason to strongly dislike, who you believe to be a horrible person and who you completely distrust, would you be OK with that? And would you be happy for Pete to continue to mix with this woman once you & he were back together?

In a social setting, yes. I wouldn't be with someone that I didn't trust and know that I could trust Pete to be around her. I would have an issue if they were socialising just the two of them

Ha ..see the 'bad boys ' thread...Jim is a bad lad and therefore hot to a lot of women but a massive threat to a guy like Pete , who may or may not have the potential to behave that way too but , as far as you / we know , doesnt . So Jim will always be a threat to Pete and , in Petes eyes , you are suspect as you may want to go back there again .No point in being logical.about any of this , it's pure emotion and quite primitive at that and really best you part company on as good terms as possible .

@Kokosrieksts

I cannot understand the conversation in the first place, why would you give a list of names who you’ve slept with?

Because I knew he would be bothered that I had slept with Jim because he had said this before. I also knew that Pete was going to find out at some point as we share many of the same friends, so I thought it was best just to tell him myself

Did you ask him for his break shag list so that you could judge his morals?

Is anyone else is finding it fascinating at all the people wanting to give advice to someone they don't know, whose motives for sleeping with this Jim fella we don't know, about 2 people we know absolutely nothing about. OP has hardly put any details at all about these men's personalities, or her own.

For all anyone knows Jim could be a local gangland figure or into petty crime. I would question ANYONE who slept with a character like that, or hung round with them.

He said that he thought our morals lined up, and that me sleeping with Jim tells him that they do not

Well this is a big red flag. Run away OP!

People are allowed to have whatever standards they want. If you sleeping with that guy makes him think a certain way about you, that he no longer wants to be with you, thats his right.

Are we going to say he's not allowed to have things that tun him off about a person, because he's a man? Because if you came on saying that he had slept with an awful dodgy woman and it really put you off him now, the replies would have been totally different, you'd be told that you can feel about that however you like.
Which is true. But its true for him too.

@Susie477

OP, If, while you were apart, Pete had slept with a woman who you have very good reason to strongly dislike, who you believe to be a horrible person and who you completely distrust, would you be OK with that? And would you be happy for Pete to continue to mix with this woman once you & he were back together?

This is the crux of it I think.

The OP seems to be holding back on telling us what it is this Jim is supposed to have done and why he's notorious for not being a very nice person.

He could be many things from a misogynistic pig through to someone who's likely to rip you off for money, or cruel to animals or anything.

Dump Pete.
He's an arse.
You are wasting your time with an insecure twit.

I’m curious as to what makes Jim so locally “notorious”. Is he a criminal? A gangster? Kicks puppies?

Normally I’m totally of the mindset of “what you do when you are single is 100% no one else’s business”, but I think in this situation is really depends on what kind of person Jim is and what makes him so notorious with such a bad reputation. If I found out someone I liked and respected had slept with someone who I found a morally awful and reprehensible person, it would change my perception of them.

If I found out someone I liked and respected had slept with someone who I found a morally awful and reprehensible person, it would change my perception of them.

Same here if I'm completely honest.

An acquaintance slept with a guy who she knew ripped off elderly people for home improvements, as he used to crow about pretending they had things wrong with their houses when they didn't.

To her it was 'just one night of sex' but I can't look at her in the same way now and I do judge her.

Why did you sleep with all these men in a year. I wouldn't be keen if that was my partner even on a 'break'. Sounds like you are not ready for a serious relationship.

To him Jim is a threat and always will be, he knows that Jim is higher than him on a social masculinity scale which makes him feel inferior.
He has likely always felt inferior and known Jim trumps him when it comes to outright masculinity, and the fact you've then gone and slept with Jim proves to him that you've always been attracted to that type of character. Made worse still by the fact he knows he will never measure up to Jim and will always be comparing himself.

I'm a guy and can assure you this is what's happening.

To turn it on its head.
Imagine the leggy blonde friend with the great boobs that you always looked at jealously. She would walk into the room and every guy would stop and notice her, compared to you that just fitted in.
In comparison to her you felt like a potato, you couldnt put your finger on exactly what she had that you didnt but it was just ooozing from her. You never felt in the same league.

Now imagine hes slept with her, and wants to continue a friendship with her, not that even that makes much difference as the damage Is done. It's not shout who she is, it's how you see yourself in comparison to her, and know you will never measure up.

Haven't rtft but it depends how awful Jim actually is. If he's known for beating women up, for example, I can see Pete's point.

@Boatingforthestars

To him Jim is a threat and always will be, he knows that Jim is higher than him on a social masculinity scale which makes him feel inferior. He has likely always felt inferior and known Jim trumps him when it comes to outright masculinity, and the fact you've then gone and slept with Jim proves to him that you've always been attracted to that type of character. Made worse still by the fact he knows he will never measure up to Jim and will always be comparing himself.

I'm a guy and can assure you this is what's happening.

To turn it on its head.
Imagine the leggy blonde friend with the great boobs that you always looked at jealously. She would walk into the room and every guy would stop and notice her, compared to you that just fitted in.
In comparison to her you felt like a potato, you couldnt put your finger on exactly what she had that you didnt but it was just ooozing from her. You never felt in the same league.

Now imagine hes slept with her, and wants to continue a friendship with her, not that even that makes much difference as the damage Is done. It's not shout who she is, it's how you see yourself in comparison to her, and know you will never measure up.

It's very 'basic' to use 'leggy blonde' to describe a hypothetical woman that every guy would be into but even more than that, 'Pete's' problem isn't with 'Jim's' looks or 'attractiveness,' it's with his actual personality. 🙄

Well he feels what he feels, you did what you did. Doesn't seem like there is much room for manoeuvre,

He’s basically told you he can’t respect you because of somebody you had sex with. He’s a dickhead, you were right to break up with him and you’d be foolish to get back with him.

Time to go on another, more permanent, break.

Dump Pete.He's an arse.You are wasting your time with an insecure twit

This sexist bullshit is so unhelpful. You would not say that to OP if it were the other way around.

If he isn't attracted to OP anymore, it doesn't matter what his reason is. You don't get to judge other peoples sexual attractions like that.

And what would he like you to do about it - cut all contact with Jim or anyone he knows just in case - no this is controlling and emotional jealousy - you can't change anything and he will use it to beat you up about it ad infinitum. I really wouldn't bother any more with "Pete" sounds more like a Dick

Pete has decided your moral compass is faulty. The relationship is unlikely to work and facing facts there is a reason he is an ex.
Also you sound a bit naiive about Jim, there is a reason he has a reputation.
Forget Pete and move on.

I understand where his coming from, if Jim is a absolute skank and you slept with him I would be disgusted and couldn’t look past it.

If Jim is just a nice guy who happens to be really good looking and a absolute ladies man that made me feel insecure then that’s differnt and you are right in that he should get over it.

Really depends on Jim, is he a man slut with no morals or not?

@ancientgran

Well he feels what he feels, you did what you did. Doesn't seem like there is much room for manoeuvre,

This. He is entitled to feel the way he does, just as you were entitled to sleep with Jim.

@Viviennemary

Why did you sleep with all these men in a year. I wouldn't be keen if that was my partner even on a 'break'. Sounds like you are not ready for a serious relationship.

Presumably because she wanted to. Women can enjoy casual sex, you know. Nice judgement though

@Viviennemary

Why did you sleep with all these men in a year. I wouldn't be keen if that was my partner even on a 'break'. Sounds like you are not ready for a serious relationship.

FOR SEX AND FUN!!!!

She also bought gin during that time. And drank it like the harpy she is.