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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should he be so upset that I slept with someone?

161 replies

lennoxing · 02/04/2021 12:44

I didn't know how else to title it.

I have recently started seeing my ex partner again, I'll call him Pete, again after a year apart, things were going really well and we both felt like things were going to progress into a relationship.

Last night, I told him about the people I had slept with when we were apart and he wasn't at all bothered by any of them except one, I'll call him Jim. He used to be insecure about my (loose) friendship with Jim when we used to be together as he's a little notorious where we live.

He said he knows nothing went on between Jim and I when we were together but he can't fathom how and why I find him attractive and the fact I have slept with him reminds him of other girls who sleep with him purely for clout and his notoriety.

He, at first, said he couldn't look past it and that it ruins everything for him. He said that because of this he won't be able to form an emotional attachment with me now. Pete said that Jim isn't a good person and he doesn't understand why I would sleep with someone so awful.

I tried to tell him it was purely physical, but he said that his personality should mean that he isn't even physically attractive to me. He said that he thought our morals lined up, and that me sleeping with Jim tells him that they do not.

After he had calmed down a little, he said that if he were to look past it then he wouldn't want me around Jim at all, even though we share many of the same friends and socialise in some of the same circles.

I really like Pete and wanted things to progress, but I feel like he's being unreasonable? I don't know. This whole thing is making me feel sick with worry, I don't know what to do or if Pete will even end up looking past this.

OP posts:
dyslek · 02/04/2021 17:16

@samyeagar

Sex can be a really bizarre thing sometimes.

Sexual compatibility is so important, and not just the physical acts one engages in, but also how it is viewed. Sex has such a broad meaning to different people. For some, it is a sacred act, and for others it is like any other activity such as going out for a jog with someone. And everything in between. It is also nearly impossible for people who hold different views to really understand others who don't hold the same view.

This is actually something that almost broke my wife and I up before we got married. From the start, we were aware of the differences in how we viewed sex. She had a far more casual view of it than I did. I'm not all religious and spiritual about it, deep emotional connection and all that, but it takes an awful lot to get me into bed with someone.

Things were workable and manageable and going very smoothly until I accidentally learned some things that I had actively tried to avoid ever knowing anything about. She had been regularly sleeping with her six years divorced, ex husband right up until we started dating. That in and of itself was not the issue. Her ex husband was a deadbeat who was physically, emotionally, sexually abusive, He had been in and out of prison, primarily drug related, but also violence related. He was a serial cheat. Over the course of their divorce, she was so angry, that she went so far as to have sex with her step son in revenge. There is even more that went on, but I think the picture is clear enough.

This really indicated and extreme fundamental difference in sexual views. The only way I was able to overcome it was to completely reframe our sexual relationship in my own mind. To not assign any meaning to it. That while great, it was just sex, and has nothing to do with the rest of our relationship. That us having sex is not a reflection of anything inherently special about me. That the sex we have is completely disassociated from me as a person.

That seems sad. An abusive relationship can do things to peoples minds. Maybe she was not thinking straight when she did those things.
Ellmau · 02/04/2021 17:18

Is Jim a drug dealer or otherwise involved in a gang or other criminal activities? 'Notorious' sounds a bit that way, and I could see Pete's point if that were the case.

samyeagar · 02/04/2021 17:21

@PinkiOcelot

Amazes me that people actually talk about stuff like this. So you just gave him a list of all the people you slept with and he’s only bothered about 1?! Wow.
My wife has been with quite a few, and there are only two that I am bothered by. And am only bothered because of the nature and circumstance.

It would have never occurred to even ask about or discuss previous sex life, but her circle tend to be very voyeuristic and like to over share, and so I learned far more than I ever would have cared to know by just being around.

steff13 · 02/04/2021 17:22

Jim could be a pedophile, a drug dealer, a white supremacist, anything really. 🤷‍♀️

lookoutmama · 02/04/2021 17:22

In general I'd not cared about what my previous partners were up too. However, many years ago I ended up in a situation where I was dating someone for a few months and found out that they'd previously slept with an ex-colleague/friend of mine (let's call her Amy). We'd all moved to different locations, but at xmas get togethers or meeting in London I'd heard Amy's stories of their relationship ... and eventually when I put 2 and 2 together it was a shock for me.

From Amy I just knew way too much about what they did, etc. and felt very strange about it. We drifted apart over time, but sometimes it's better not to know things maybe?

raincamepouringdown · 02/04/2021 17:27

Tell him to fuck off. It's frankly none of his business.

Brionybeans · 02/04/2021 17:31

I reckon you should call his bluff. Say to him, if you have such a big issue with who I chose to see while we weren't together, there's probably no point in you and I seeing each other Pete. Then leave him to make the running.

He'll probably come running after you and respect you more.

Gobbeldegook · 02/04/2021 17:32

If you waved this massive red flag in London, I'd see it from Edinburgh.

Pete is a wanker.
Leave him to wank. He doesn't need help.

Also think about why you broke up last time.....

TillyTopper · 02/04/2021 17:36

Regardless of what Jim is like, Pete has red flags all over him. He sounds controlling, tbh if it wasn't Jim he had an issue with it would be someone else. If you get back together with Pete than 100% he'll throw this back in your face. Personally I think you need to move on from Pete completely, and in future I wouldn't be talking my love life through with anyone, especially if he "just wanted to know".

toocold54 · 02/04/2021 17:37

I completely understand where he’s coming from.
I do judge people on who they’ve had sex/relationships with. There are just some people who are idiots or are just vile and I would wonder what some people’s morals are like if they had sex with them. I can’t respect someone who doesn’t respect themselves. And as you say this person is known for not being a good person.

BigFatLiar · 02/04/2021 17:40

How would you feel if you found out that on this break Pete had slept with your sister, or your best friend. Sometimes people do have issues with your past.

OneToFive · 02/04/2021 17:41

He's not upset with you for sleeping with someone, it's the person. In most cases that should not be a factor, but it could be for some people.

In college days, I shagged a bloke I really liked after a gig. He was amazing Grin really amazing Grin Next evening, was out with my sister in college pub and met him again. It turns out my sister had also shagged him. That was the end of that! Sadly!

samyeagar · 02/04/2021 17:43

@BigFatLiar

How would you feel if you found out that on this `break` Pete had slept with your sister, or your best friend. Sometimes people do have issues with your past.
Or a sex worker?
nancywhitehead · 02/04/2021 17:51

I think him being so bothered by this says something about his personality. He can't accept that you are a free agent and can like/ sleep with who you want when you are not in a relationship. You don't have to only like the people that he thinks are acceptable. You are different people!

I wouldn't be able to be attracted to someone who thought in this way, he's likely to be controlling.

SeasonFinale · 02/04/2021 17:54

Ditch Pete.

partyatthepalace · 02/04/2021 17:57

He’s being weirdly obsessive and controlling. You slept with some guy he doesn’t like while you were separated, rather than accept the fact you are entitled to do what you want, and if he’s uncomfortable with it that’s his issue, he’s trying to make it a fault of your (‘I just don’t understand why you would’ etc)

I would seriously get rid of him.

I can understand he might ask you not to hang around with this guy 121 (not that

Sunshinesky1981 · 02/04/2021 17:58

What has Jim done that means he no longer thinks your morals match up?
Is Jim the local Tory candidate ?

BonnieDundee · 02/04/2021 17:58

He, at first, said he couldn't look past it and that it ruins everything for him. He said that because of this he won't be able to form an emotional attachment with me now

Well Pete had better sling his hook then hadn't he?

Tbf I wouldn't be having anything to do with Jim either

samyeagar · 02/04/2021 18:04

I have to wonder if his use of the word "morals" was just a clumsy way of expressing feelings of their views on sex, and sexual motivation not being aligned.

tsmainsqueeze · 02/04/2021 18:07

Pete sounds like hard work , its nothing to do with him what you chose to do when single.
If he has a problem with this that he cant move on from its not going to be an easy relationship , i would get rid and pick someone less judgemental .
Who does he think he is , and what's the point going on about it , you cant change your past ,and more so why should you , he's not your keeper.

londonscalling · 02/04/2021 20:05

Has Pete got a secret crush on Jim? Wink

Iwonder08 · 02/04/2021 20:26

I wouldn't be impressed if my loved one insisted on hanging around a person who I hate and they shagged only several months ago. Perfectly reasonable response

DobbyTheHouseElk · 02/04/2021 20:35

I want to hear more about Jim. He sounds more interesting.

Woodlandbelle · 02/04/2021 20:37

I can't understand telling him. I'm married for over a decade and dh doesn't know or wouldn't ask me personal stuff like this. It's irrelevant.

LadyWithLapdog · 02/04/2021 20:45

@DobbyTheHouseElk

I want to hear more about Jim. He sounds more interesting.
I’m curious too but imagine he’s an even bigger knob than Pete.
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