Should he be so upset that I slept with someone?

[lennoxing]

I didn't know how else to title it.

I have recently started seeing my ex partner again, I'll call him Pete, again after a year apart, things were going really well and we both felt like things were going to progress into a relationship.

Last night, I told him about the people I had slept with when we were apart and he wasn't at all bothered by any of them except one, I'll call him Jim. He used to be insecure about my (loose) friendship with Jim when we used to be together as he's a little notorious where we live.

He said he knows nothing went on between Jim and I when we were together but he can't fathom how and why I find him attractive and the fact I have slept with him reminds him of other girls who sleep with him purely for clout and his notoriety.

He, at first, said he couldn't look past it and that it ruins everything for him. He said that because of this he won't be able to form an emotional attachment with me now. Pete said that Jim isn't a good person and he doesn't understand why I would sleep with someone so awful.

I tried to tell him it was purely physical, but he said that his personality should mean that he isn't even physically attractive to me. He said that he thought our morals lined up, and that me sleeping with Jim tells him that they do not.

After he had calmed down a little, he said that if he were to look past it then he wouldn't want me around Jim at all, even though we share many of the same friends and socialise in some of the same circles.

I really like Pete and wanted things to progress, but I feel like he's being unreasonable? I don't know. This whole thing is making me feel sick with worry, I don't know what to do or if Pete will even end up looking past this.

The fact that Pete has only met Jim twice makes the situation worse. How can he judge Jim then?

It's none of Pete's business who you slept with on a break.

How dare he ask you to be honest about it and then use that info against you.

Pete sounds young, immature and jealous.

Dump him!

Actually @CirqueDeMorgue the point I was making is that is what women would suggest men find attractive and likely to see as a threat. Contrary to popular belief we are not all that simple and there is more to attraction than just 'basic' looks. Insecurity generally doesnt run that deep though.
You pretty much backed up my comment that it's not about Jim and but about Pete and his insecurity, by trying to suggest that that is all men are interested in.

Pete's allowed to have an opinion on who you've slept with, just as you're allowed to have an opinion on his sexual history. Even if it's an unpopular opinion, it's understandable that Pete wouldn't want you socialising with Jim, given your history. You don't have to agree to his terms, obviously.

Tbh, since you've already been split for a year and this is how your "fresh start" is going so far, I wouldn't expect much of this relationship. You're probably incompatible.

It might be unreasonable of Pete, but I suppose that, as life progresses, there are many situations where many of us make a rapid judgements as sort of working solutions to problem and without a lot of time to think through every angle. For instance, if you were to have kids with Pete, would a nanny/ babysitter who uses illegal drugs and who dates a minor criminal be a problem to either of you? Would you both lie about something? He seems to be critical of your judgement, and really ought to explain and justify himself more fully over why the 'it was only physical' answer doesn't satisfy him.

If 'notorious' were to be having criminal form or beating people up, Pete may, on instinct, wonder if your values align if you are ok with Jim's past.

It could be a chat would reveal you are not on the same page about information. Pete may know Jim has beaten someone up who is weaker, or not paid maintenance for a child, or not acknowledged a child who is clearly his own, because he's mean and cowardly. Pete may think you know the exact detail of Jim's past, but perhaps you don't and Pete is judging unfairly. . Pete may know thatJim despises women and jokes about using them: you maybe don't know this. Pete may know Jim would joke to him about being intimate with you, if you and Pete married.

I think talking things through rather than making hasty judgements is a better way, and maybe you are better off without Pete if he is always going to be definite in his views without talking reasonably and being open to other points of view.

Maybe Jim has 'stolen' one of Pete's former crushes. Who knows. He doesn't want any connection to Jim - that is certain.

I suspect Pete will rapidly calm down after the initial shock. But you'd have to make it clear to him if he ever brings it up again, it's over. This is the sort of thing that couples argue about years later.

Another one curious about Jim the Notorious, what's he done?

I don’t think he’s wrong but equally nether are you. You’re obviously just not that compatible.

It’s probably bruised his ego if the guy is a known womaniser where you live. Obviously you can do what you want and with whom and you certainly don’t need to answer to him!!

That said, there is something off putting about men that have slept with half the women in the local town as best notches. So to think your partner had previously been one of those notches probably brings out the competitive part if him and if he can’t see past it then that’s it

Some people will have a number where they would not be happy if a potential new partner had slept with. It’s reasonable to say up to 15 people would be average. Some people would have a cut off of say 20 and wouldn’t get in to a relationship with someone who’s slept with say 50 people. That’s their choice and it certainly wouldn’t put everyone off but it will put others off.

I see this the same thing. Some people wouldn’t be bothered but some would.

Your social circle sounds very classy.

I suppose girls sleeping with a 'notorious' man 'for clout' suggests crime. I don't know what clout any girl would feel she'd gained from sleeping with a guy whose notoriety comes from bedding and ditching many, many women. Lots of people will avoid crime. It would be the same later in life about choosing mutual friends.

Last night, I told him about the people I had slept with when we were apart

When, in the history of romantic relationship, has this ever gone down well?

Well Pete is an ex for a good reason isn't he?

Just move on.

Actually if Pete was insecure about Jim when you used to be together perhaps it won't work out.

Would you want a relationship with Jim?

I’m also curious, was this mutual sharing where he had to name the women he’d shagged?

For future relationships (and yes I do think this one is doomed) don't discuss past sexual partners and if they ask - dump them . Nothing good will come of it.

Sorry - probably not what you wanted to hear from all of us.

So, he lived the life of a trappist monk whilst you were broken up, then?

He needs to be made an ex again - this time permanently - as he's trying to make himself the wronged party when it is absolutely fuck all to do with him what you did as a single woman. He's trying to appear to be in a position of moral superiroity over you, as though you should be grateful he's lowered himself to be back in your bed.

Fuck him off and go and have great sex with whoever the hell you want to.

I’d tell Pete that I’d give him 2 days to decide whether he can get over his reaction. I would agree to not seeing Jim on a one-to-one but not change how you normally socialise in groups. If Pete brings it up after this then it’s over. And if he criticised my morals again it would also be over.

Is Jim the only person that you slept with that he knows or is likely to bump in to?

Going against the grain here. If my husband had always been friends with someone that I didnt like, that had a reputation for sleeping with a lot of people but said it was purely platonic, I'd have been ok with it. But if he then slept with her when we were on a break, and still wanted to be friends with her claiming it was still platonic, yeah I wouldnt be massively happy with that. I'd be questioning if he had always fancied her and hidden it, or if he still fancied her or had any feelings for her. I think most people would be a bit uneasy to be honest. A fwb where the benefits were recent to just friends is a difficult transition

I actually think whether Pete is being unreasonable is dependent upon what Notorious J.I.M. has actually done. You're entitled to have sex with whomever you want, but if he's an objectively bad person, then people might judge you for it.

I can understand where Pete is coming from. If I’d got back with an ex and found out he’d slept with the local dirtbag it would totally put me off him. There’s no right or wrong answer, it’s just how he feels and that’s who he is.

Tbh I don't think he can cope with you sleeping with people on your break full stop. He's just hung this all on Jim.

You're entitled to sleep with whomever you choose when you're 'on a break'. To quote the old song: "Ain't nobody's bizness if I do".

Pete saying you don't have the same 'morals' means to me that he's trying to shame you. And chances are he's going to beat you over the head with 'Jim' in the future whenever you disagree, if you do something he doesn't like, or to guilt you into doing something you don't want to do. Dump him, there's no peaceful future for you with him.

I hope you've learnt a valuable lesson. A person's sexual past is their own business, especially who, when, and how many. The very most I'd ever tell someone is that they weren't 'the first'. Someone grilling you about your sexual past is a huge red flag.

Honestly? I’d break things off with Pete now for your own sake. This will get chucked back at you over and over. You don’t deserve that and life is too short for that kind of treatment.

@pepsicolagirl

You were on a break..

Lol

@SunIsComing

Your relationship is doomed....

This.

Last night, I told him about the people I had slept with when we were apart

This sounds like a very silly conversation to me having. What did you think would be gained from it?

Why did you offer to tell him who you’ve been sleeping with while you weren’t together? It’s really none of his business.