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Original poster

Should he be so upset that I slept with someone?

161 replies

lennoxing · 02/04/2021 12:44

I didn't know how else to title it.

I have recently started seeing my ex partner again, I'll call him Pete, again after a year apart, things were going really well and we both felt like things were going to progress into a relationship.

Last night, I told him about the people I had slept with when we were apart and he wasn't at all bothered by any of them except one, I'll call him Jim. He used to be insecure about my (loose) friendship with Jim when we used to be together as he's a little notorious where we live.

He said he knows nothing went on between Jim and I when we were together but he can't fathom how and why I find him attractive and the fact I have slept with him reminds him of other girls who sleep with him purely for clout and his notoriety.

He, at first, said he couldn't look past it and that it ruins everything for him. He said that because of this he won't be able to form an emotional attachment with me now. Pete said that Jim isn't a good person and he doesn't understand why I would sleep with someone so awful.

I tried to tell him it was purely physical, but he said that his personality should mean that he isn't even physically attractive to me. He said that he thought our morals lined up, and that me sleeping with Jim tells him that they do not.

After he had calmed down a little, he said that if he were to look past it then he wouldn't want me around Jim at all, even though we share many of the same friends and socialise in some of the same circles.

I really like Pete and wanted things to progress, but I feel like he's being unreasonable? I don't know. This whole thing is making me feel sick with worry, I don't know what to do or if Pete will even end up looking past this.

OP posts:
Toptotoeunicolour · 02/04/2021 15:15

It would be exactly the same if you and Pete had not been together before you had got with Jim. If Pete judges you because you have kept company with Jim, that's his right, even if you think it's unreasonable or just wish it weren't so.

samyeagar · 02/04/2021 15:30

Sex can be a really bizarre thing sometimes.

Sexual compatibility is so important, and not just the physical acts one engages in, but also how it is viewed. Sex has such a broad meaning to different people. For some, it is a sacred act, and for others it is like any other activity such as going out for a jog with someone. And everything in between. It is also nearly impossible for people who hold different views to really understand others who don't hold the same view.

This is actually something that almost broke my wife and I up before we got married. From the start, we were aware of the differences in how we viewed sex. She had a far more casual view of it than I did. I'm not all religious and spiritual about it, deep emotional connection and all that, but it takes an awful lot to get me into bed with someone.

Things were workable and manageable and going very smoothly until I accidentally learned some things that I had actively tried to avoid ever knowing anything about. She had been regularly sleeping with her six years divorced, ex husband right up until we started dating. That in and of itself was not the issue. Her ex husband was a deadbeat who was physically, emotionally, sexually abusive, He had been in and out of prison, primarily drug related, but also violence related. He was a serial cheat. Over the course of their divorce, she was so angry, that she went so far as to have sex with her step son in revenge. There is even more that went on, but I think the picture is clear enough.

This really indicated and extreme fundamental difference in sexual views. The only way I was able to overcome it was to completely reframe our sexual relationship in my own mind. To not assign any meaning to it. That while great, it was just sex, and has nothing to do with the rest of our relationship. That us having sex is not a reflection of anything inherently special about me. That the sex we have is completely disassociated from me as a person.

silverbubbles · 02/04/2021 15:38

Pete was an ex for a reason. Keep him that way.

Ninkanink · 02/04/2021 15:40

The alarm bell ringing at this detail is giving me a headache.

I bet he doesn't think anyone he's slept with is a reflection on his own morals. Men never do. But they're quick to judge women for it.

A lot of men really get in their feelings about women sleeping with or being attracted to the "bad boys". I've never fully understood why, but my theory is that it's partly because they don't want to believe that for women sex can be as casual and physical as it is for them. They want to think we only bestow sex on men we form an emotional bond with. And partly there's usually a hefty dose of jealousy there, but they can't even put it into words because it's all to do with how stereotypically "masculine" the other guy is.

Most women can admit to feeling jealous of another woman precisely because she's "hot", or "sexy". Men would never be able to put their feelings about other men in those terms, so it all comes out in this kind of inarticulate nonsense.

Anyway, the long and the short of this situation is that I don't think Pete sounds like the kind of man I could respect or be with. If he can't get past it, it's a reflection on him, not you OP.

This. 100%.

CirqueDeMorgue · 02/04/2021 15:41

Am I in the minority for feeling that it's much more to do with what 'Jim' has done than anything else? Has OP even clarified this?

N51BU · 02/04/2021 15:47

He's your ex for a reason

Ninkanink · 02/04/2021 15:48

Tbh I wouldn’t be discussing who I’d slept with, and I wouldn’t expect to know who he’d slept with either!

SilentPanic · 02/04/2021 15:49

I think that, given he was insecure about there being an attraction between Pete and you when you were in a relationship before, this has probably made him feel that he was right all along that you fancied one another. You haven't done anything wrong, and he was silly for asking you about it now because he'll know that there is sexual attraction between you.

1forAll74 · 02/04/2021 15:54

Strange that people have to discuss their sexual and relationship things with others, when they have been apart for sometime,and also strange,that Pete doesn't really mind the other men you may have slept with, all except Joe. Pete will probably be bringing up the issues about Joe quite often if he dislikes him and his ways, and that may cause some problems when you are together.

Do you know what Pete got up to,when you were both on a break !!

tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict · 02/04/2021 15:54

If I found out my boyfriend had slept with a people-trafficker or someone who dealt drugs to children it would make me think we didn't have the same values. What has Jim done? Sounds like this isn't about sex at all

Wellpark · 02/04/2021 15:59

Sounds like you are still in sixth form! Grow up both of you

ladywithnomanors · 02/04/2021 16:06

Why would you tell him who you’d slept with when you weren’t together? It’s asking for trouble.

Wateruniform · 02/04/2021 16:08

What has Jim done??!! Tell us!!!!

samyeagar · 02/04/2021 16:09

I think another way to look at what I said above is that if I were to consider that who my wife slept with was a reflection of, well, the people she slept with, that to stay cognitively consistent, I would have to accept that, to her, I was on the same level as her ex husband.

I can't reconcile that because I know I am a far better person all the way around than him, so that leaves the only other option for me is that sex with my wife is completely disassociated from the person she is having sex with, that I should assign no value to it, and it is not a reflection of me. In short, I am not special.

AmelieTaylor · 02/04/2021 16:15

He said that because of this he won't be able to form an emotional attachment with me now

After he had calmed down a little, he said that if he were to look past it

There's something very controlling about these statements.

It's like he's saying how high you have to jump before he will consider a relationship with you. IF he were to 'look past it' as though he's morally superior to you and doing you done giant favour overlooking your flaws...

I don't like it.

I'd be telling him that if he didn't want me as I am, he could fuck right off.

MommytoA · 02/04/2021 16:20

Pete won't ever see past this. It will always be brought up. I'd knock the relationship on the head save all the hassle. Good luck

BigFatLiar · 02/04/2021 16:28

If he can't get over it then you'll just have to face up to that. Thats the problem with discussing these sorts of things.
I know everyone says its no business of your partner who you slept with when you weren't together but the reality is different.

billy1966 · 02/04/2021 16:37

@Ninkanink

The alarm bell ringing at this detail is giving me a headache.

I bet he doesn't think anyone he's slept with is a reflection on his own morals. Men never do. But they're quick to judge women for it.

A lot of men really get in their feelings about women sleeping with or being attracted to the "bad boys". I've never fully understood why, but my theory is that it's partly because they don't want to believe that for women sex can be as casual and physical as it is for them. They want to think we only bestow sex on men we form an emotional bond with. And partly there's usually a hefty dose of jealousy there, but they can't even put it into words because it's all to do with how stereotypically "masculine" the other guy is.

Most women can admit to feeling jealous of another woman precisely because she's "hot", or "sexy". Men would never be able to put their feelings about other men in those terms, so it all comes out in this kind of inarticulate nonsense.

Anyway, the long and the short of this situation is that I don't think Pete sounds like the kind of man I could respect or be with. If he can't get past it, it's a reflection on him, not you OP.

This. 100%.

Absolutely agree with you.

If Pete wants to judge you, that's his business but you don't have to listen to his judgement nor entertain it.

I certainly wouldn't allow myself to be lectured by Pete over what I did when I was single.

Your relationship is doomed, not least because Pete is an insecure twit.
Let him off.

Flowers
macon · 02/04/2021 16:42

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Pete can't help how he feels. I can see myself being put off someone who would shag someone who was say, a bit of a twat, just for "the physical" because it would tell me we weren't on the same page, I'm not a casual hookup kind of person. Sex means more to me, there's an emotional element, maybe that's also the case for Pete.
I would feel the same. I'm not sure I'd agree with Pete linking it to 'morality', but I would just get the ick at the idea of sleeping with my ex if he had had casual hookups with dodgy people in the meantime.

That said, I would have been drawing a veil over what happened during that year, on both sides.

It also sounds a little bit as if your friendship group is a bit incestuous if you all know each other and all shag each other. I'd perhaps be forgetting about Pete and looking for a new partner who's not part of this group.

IdblowJonSnow · 02/04/2021 16:55

I also want to know what 'Jim' has done!!
You say hot headed- is that code for violent?

If so then I'm with your ex. If you get back together I'd be very clear that you never want to talk about it again. He doesn't get to hold it against you.

SempreSuiGeneris · 02/04/2021 17:01

It also sounds a little bit as if your friendship group is a bit incestuous if you all know each other and all shag each other. I'd perhaps be forgetting about Pete and looking for a new partner who's not part of this group.

All very TOWIE. Jim sounds like he could be Pirate Pete irl. Not quite same level as Maeve and co in Made in Chelsea mind.

Retreads are rarely a good idea and would counsel against keeping it local if you feel the need for no strings attached FWB.

GreenlandTheMovie · 02/04/2021 17:03

He said that because of this he won't be able to form an emotional attachment with me now. Pete said that Jim isn't a good person and he doesn't understand why I would sleep with someone so awful.

I tried to tell him it was purely physical, but he said that his personality should mean that he isn't even physically attractive to me. He said that he thought our morals lined up, and that me sleeping with Jim tells him that they do not.

I was actually in this situation with an ex. Except that I'm a woman, he split up with me because he started seeing someone else when we didn't see each other for a long time at the start of lockdown and he didn't want to cheat. When he wanted to get back together again with me after about a year, I just couldn't do it because of who he had casually shagged while we were split up.

That was it literally. No other reason why I wouldn't have got back together with him, but it literally changed how I felt about him. I'm no longer attracted to him. I don't hate him or anything but I just don't view him in an attractive way as I used to (and I was absolutely crazy about him before).

If he had shagged someone super-attractive and intelligent and nice, I would quite possibly feel ok about him still, but who he chose downgraded him so much in my eyes that I literally have lost all interest in him, even as a friend. Its as if I never really knew the person I thought he was, if that makes sense, so he is a stranger now.

It really is the oddest feeling, but when you've lost that spark of attraction, its almost impossible to get back.

PinkiOcelot · 02/04/2021 17:07

Amazes me that people actually talk about stuff like this. So you just gave him a list of all the people you slept with and he’s only bothered about 1?! Wow.

TheSparkleJar · 02/04/2021 17:10

You haven't mentioned yet what about this man is so abhorrent? His politics, lifestyle?

dyslek · 02/04/2021 17:12

Pete sounds like a game player. Honestly, Id give him a wide berth.

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