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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who IBU me or neighbour?

176 replies

RamblingRosita · 02/04/2021 09:20

Every time I see my neighbour she pulls me up on something. I dread seeing her.

We live in detached houses and there is a fence that separates the two so it is actually quite private.

According to my neighbour my hedge blocks her light. Well, my hedge is below the legal height of 2m and she has trees growing the other side of my hedge which are 3 m's high so if her light is blocked it is not my doing.

The most annoying thing though is she has complained about my BBQs. Well, last year I had 1 BBQ and in 2019 I had 2. Apparently, she doesn't like smelling my food and can't go outside when I do it.

Summer is coming along and we are restricted to what we can and can't do and one of the things I want to do is spend more time outside, using my new BBQ.

Who is BU here and if it is her, what would you say? This couple has loads of their friends around all the time in their garden and are really noisey but hey, that's OK because that is them. She makes PA threats such as "I wouldn't want to make it an issue with the council". If she wasn't my neighbour I would have said something quite rude by now. We are actually quite quiet people and are hardly ever in our garden. plus is if half an acre so it's not like we are out and they are a couple of metres away.

OP posts:
ColourfulElmerElephant · 02/04/2021 09:22

Every time she says something just smile, nod and say “ok.” Do that on repeat and nothing else.

If she is threatening you with the council etc, I’d also just keep a diary for your own sake but I can’t see what grounds or where she thinks it will go.

PyjamaFan · 02/04/2021 09:23

How incredibly irritating.

Ignore her and enjoy your barbecues!

Womencanlift · 02/04/2021 09:23

The next time she makes that PA council comment just reply that you may do the same about the noise and people in her garden

People like that don’t expect to be talked back to so just stand up for yourself and have your BBQ

Blackcountrychik · 02/04/2021 09:26

Maybe you should moan at the annoying things she does and give a bit of tit for tat and tell her you will be complaining to the council about her if she wants to start this .
Document all her downfalls and bring it out if she wants to be petty .

Original poster
RamblingRosita · 02/04/2021 09:27

People like that don’t expect to be talked back to

This is the case. The woman thinks she can say what she likes and I won't say anything back because I am a lot younger than her. I think I may have to though.

OP posts:
ClarkeGriffin · 02/04/2021 09:28

I'd be having a bbq every weekend. She's being completely stupid. If she doesn't like having neighbours, she should move to somewhere where she doesn't have any. Can't stop you having a bbq.

Original poster
RamblingRosita · 02/04/2021 09:30

I really don't like the way she operates. She will be sickly sweet and ask after your family, oh it is so lovely to see you, and then BHAMM!! "When are you going to cut your hedge? Also, I heard your DD playing her clarinet, how lovely, it was very loud and I wouldn't want to make an issue of it."

OP posts:
Original poster
RamblingRosita · 02/04/2021 09:32

FYI my DD has been playing the clarinet for 6 years and my neighbour only noticed during the lockdown as we shut all the windows and close all the doors and as said, live in a detached house. We left the window open once when it was baking hot.

OP posts:
Wellpark · 02/04/2021 09:33

Stop being a doormat. She's having a go at you because she thinks she can and because you let her away with it! Next time she tries her nonsense be a cheeky cow right back to her. Tell her you will have as many BBQs as you want and it's none of her business. And throw in va few eff offs while you are at it. What a nerve this woman has!!

Scottishskifun · 02/04/2021 09:34

Next time she threatens to report you just say please go ahead I am legally enjoying my home.
Truth is council will speak to her on the phone and tell her that your not breaking anything oh and have a bbq at least once a week for a while!

PinkiOcelot · 02/04/2021 09:35

OP I think I’d be moving on to the quite rude by now. Tell her to do one!
I would also be telling her her trees are taller etc. Who does she think she is?!

TheProvincialLady · 02/04/2021 09:35

Limit your interaction to a cheery “hello” and keep walking. Don’t ever stop to have any conversation with her.

And the reply “ok” as suggested is also helpful,if you’re really pushed into conversation. You can also say “I’m happy with the height of my hedge thanks” and “this is all just normal family and living noise, the same as we hear from you, but obviously if you’re concerned you could always contact the council”. But mainly just keep smiling, greeting abs walking so fast she can’t catch you. Because you’re so incredibly busy.

Brefugee · 02/04/2021 09:36

She will be sickly sweet and ask after your family, oh it is so lovely to see you, and then BHAMM!! "When are you going to cut your hedge? Also, I heard your DD playing her clarinet, how lovely, it was very loud and I wouldn't want to make an issue of it."

my answer would be "when I'm good and ready. And good, because it's not an issue"

Nod and smile and do what you like (within reasonable bounds)

cansu · 02/04/2021 09:37

You need to be much more assertive. I agree she is taking the piss. You don't have to be rude just firm. So with the barbecue. That's a pity as like many people we enjoy a barbecue and will be doing lots over the summer. Big smile and off you go. With the hedge oh dear it is of course well below the legally allowed height. You might find cutting your taller trees might help. Big smile off you go. Etc

Weebitawks · 02/04/2021 09:38

From what you've said you're not doing anything unreasonable, I wouldn't drastically alter your reasonable behaviour because she's a twat.

Love to see her call the council because you're having a BBQ in your own garden.

I have some neighbours a bit like this. When you're firm with them, they back down.

Icanflyhigh · 02/04/2021 09:38

Stop interacting, aside from a "hello" when you're passing by, don't change your pace or make eye contact, just walk on by, OR make sure your phone is glued to your ear whenever you pass and you're on the most terribly important call......

Cheekyweegobshite · 02/04/2021 09:40

We had neighbours like this who we tried placating for years. It doesn't work, they just got more and more unreasonable in their complaints. Final straw was them complaining that the extractor fan in our bathroom had been running for a few hours (because someone had left the light on). I pointed out that they made at least as much noise as we did and she left in a strop. She never spoke to me again, but that was just fine with me.

Stand up for yourself!

PanamaPattie · 02/04/2021 09:41

Next time you see her just walk straight past her. You don’t have to speak or engage.

Tinydinosaur · 02/04/2021 09:41

@RamblingRosita

I really don't like the way she operates. She will be sickly sweet and ask after your family, oh it is so lovely to see you, and then BHAMM!! "When are you going to cut your hedge? Also, I heard your DD playing her clarinet, how lovely, it was very loud and I wouldn't want to make an issue of it."
"Then don't." Smile and walk off. She can call the council, you're not doing anything wrong.
bloodyhell19 · 02/04/2021 09:41

I wouldn't even speak to her to be honest, wave, smile & be terribly busy.

If she starts about the hedges just say they're under the 2M and maybe look at the trees on the other side.

The clarinet - yes she practices during the day when she's entitled to.

Oh the BBQ? Yes I believe we're permitted to do that.

Please go ahead and say it to the council, see what they say about my family & I legally enjoying our home but to be honest, I'd hate to get into complaining about each other and really, your guests in the garden the other week were quite loud.

Smile, be firm, and don't let her get a "but but but" in.

CrotchetyQuaver · 02/04/2021 09:42

I'd be so tempted the next time she starts to tell her to piss off with her petty moaning. And encourage your daughters clarinet practice. You need to fight fire with fire sometimes. Jeez what a horrible old cow she sounds. My dad lives next to

Midlifelady · 02/04/2021 09:44

I'd be tempted to laugh and say ' don't be ridiculous! Imagine complaining about my hedge when your trees are so much higher?' Or ' that's too bad you don't like my BBQ. But I'll be having a few more. By the way you were really loud in your garden last week, but don't worry I won't make an "issue" of it. Have a good day!' smiling really broadly when you say it.
She thinks she can bully you so don't let her.

CrotchetyQuaver · 02/04/2021 09:44

Oops
One, we call her hyacinth bucket and pretty much ignore how now. The whole roads got the measure of them and their petty ways, hopefully it's the same where you are.

sodoffmenopause · 02/04/2021 09:45

I'd be lighting a massive bonfire daily..

LakieLady · 02/04/2021 09:45

Tell her you won't even think about cutting the hedge until October, in line with RSPB guidance to protect nesting birds. Adding "So you can fuck right off" at the end is optional, but I'd definitely be thinking it.

A couple of barbecues a year is entirely reasonable, and I speak as someone who finds the smell quite nausea-inducing, especially if they use that fluid to light them (it's triggered a full-blown migraine a few times). If it was 2 or 3 times a week, I might say something.

If someone very close is having a barbecue and it's bothering me, I either go out for a few hours or shut all the windows.

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