Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who IBU me or neighbour?

176 replies

RamblingRosita · 02/04/2021 09:20

Every time I see my neighbour she pulls me up on something. I dread seeing her.

We live in detached houses and there is a fence that separates the two so it is actually quite private.

According to my neighbour my hedge blocks her light. Well, my hedge is below the legal height of 2m and she has trees growing the other side of my hedge which are 3 m's high so if her light is blocked it is not my doing.

The most annoying thing though is she has complained about my BBQs. Well, last year I had 1 BBQ and in 2019 I had 2. Apparently, she doesn't like smelling my food and can't go outside when I do it.

Summer is coming along and we are restricted to what we can and can't do and one of the things I want to do is spend more time outside, using my new BBQ.

Who is BU here and if it is her, what would you say? This couple has loads of their friends around all the time in their garden and are really noisey but hey, that's OK because that is them. She makes PA threats such as "I wouldn't want to make it an issue with the council". If she wasn't my neighbour I would have said something quite rude by now. We are actually quite quiet people and are hardly ever in our garden. plus is if half an acre so it's not like we are out and they are a couple of metres away.

OP posts:
Titterofwit · 02/04/2021 10:46

I would be having louder than normal conversations in the garden with my family that include references to 'Hyacinth' .
"Watch out Tom - Hyacinth is lurking"
" Another burger please Jack - I wonder if Hyacinth going to complain about this one"

Accidentally call her Hyacinth to her face - apologise when you 'realise' your mistake and explain that everybody locally calls her that so .....

SuperSange · 02/04/2021 10:47

@starfishmummy

I do sometimes get annoyed with them when I have washing out, but there is nothing I can do. I can’t imagine telling my neighbours the cant BBQ as it makes my washing smell!

There was a time when neighbours would mention bbq's to those nearby - not to seek permission or invite them - but so they could being their washing in if theybdidnt want it smelling. Doesnt seem to be done where we live.

I always warn my neighbours if we're going to BBQ. It didn't used to happen round here, but I think I've shamed them all into it. Grin
littlepattilou · 02/04/2021 10:48

Probably wants you to cut your hedge so she can see you better. What a weirdo! A 6 foot (2 metre) hedge is fab. Most people would prefer that actually, as MOST people value their privacy.

How the fuck is it blocking her light/blocking the sun???! It's 6 bastard foot tall. Is her garden 6 foot long and 6 foot wide? Confused I don't get it. She sounds like a control freak, and a bully. SO hard when she is your next door neighbour though, to say anything like 'do fuck off!' or even to be really assertive.

I would actually drop her a note in and tell her you are NOT cutting your hedge, ever, and it's within the legal parameters at just 6 feet (2 metres) high. Tell her if she is unhappy with this, to report you to the council. I know whose side they'll be on! Yours, as you've done nothing wrong.

Seriously, if you take this woman's bullshit now, she will bully and control you forever. It's hard, but please do make a stand against her. Good luck @RamblingRosita

Oh finally, despite some suggestions from some posters, do NOT retaliate. When you have a neighbour dispute of any kind, that is the worst thing you can do. Just tell her (via a note through her door if it's easier for you,) that you are not cutting the hedge as it's a legal height, that any further contact from her about it will be regarded by you as harassment, and if she unhappy with this, she can feel free to contact the council about you.

youshallnotpass9 · 02/04/2021 10:49

I would tell her to crack on and complain to the council, it will help with your harrassment case

rwalker · 02/04/2021 10:49

You will never win don't engage just ignore her .

Fauvist · 02/04/2021 10:51

I wouldn't worry about her 'making it an issue with the council' because the council will just think she is completely batshit. Just nod, smile and ignore.

GoWalkabout · 02/04/2021 10:59

Don't let her get to you so much. Ignore her instead of setting out to get back at her. Greet her in a friendly manner then move away. If she says she is going to make a complaint say 'Barbara, feel free to complain to the council, let me know what they say will you?' I mean clearly complaining about bbqs or clarinets is going to get anywhere.

Chewbecca · 02/04/2021 11:00

Is there such a thing as a ‘legal height of 2m’?

Anyway, YANBU to use your garden in a normal manner and don’t need to warn or apologise.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/04/2021 11:00

I'm another one who would tell her to go ahead and make it an issue with the council.

The council will laugh in her face.

Cacacoisfarraige · 02/04/2021 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

raincamepouringdown · 02/04/2021 11:14

"Only a complete twat would make an issue of it. That's not you, though, right?." Smile sweetly.

TaraR2020 · 02/04/2021 11:16

I think you know that it's not you being unreasonable here

Magicpaintbrush · 02/04/2021 11:20

What does she expect the council to say if she rings to complain about her neighbour having a BBQ??? They will laugh in her face, quite rightly.

Make a point of mentioning the noise they make and the height of their trees, regardless of whether they actually annoy you or not, and be firm and assertive, put her off balance, she might back off. Two can play at that game. It's time for the worm to turn (not that you are a worm Wink).

altlife · 02/04/2021 11:21

Take no notice. Of course you don't want to get into aggro with your neighbours but it's your house and your garden which you get to use any way you see fit.

Keep your interactions with her short, pretend you're on the phone etc

I wouldn't suggest telling her to fuck off, but there's no reason your gardener can't Grin

jessstan2 · 02/04/2021 11:22

Ignore, she is being unreasonable. The council would not want to know about someone having barbecues - most people do in good weather; you are not blocking her light.

Pay absolutely no attention to her!

Spudbyanyothername · 02/04/2021 11:22

Barbecue to your hearts content.

Please be a bit more assertive.

The council is not even a veiled threat! I’d try and ignore any compliments too as I think they might come from a manipulative place!

NoraEphronsNeck · 02/04/2021 11:23

I had this with my neighbours when we were newly moved in - did we know they'd lived here for 20 years!

Complained about visitors parking outside their house. That we weren't sociable enough with our new neighbours - we had a newborn and it was mid winter.

The final straw though was when she knocked the door about 9pm one night, with her sister in tow, to ask why we'd put our wheelie bin on our drive where they could see it from their front window.

After months of saying nothing, I very firmly said "you could cause an argument in an empty room, I suggest you turn around and go back into your house - NOW!"

They never said another word ever - and moved about two years later thankfully. The people who live there now are a breath of fresh air.

Radio4Rocks · 02/04/2021 11:26

I have every sympathy with your neighbour. The smell of BBQs makes me throw up.

But that doesn't mean people shouldn't have them, it's my problem.

ThatsShitTryHarder · 02/04/2021 11:30

@Radio4Rocks

I have every sympathy with your neighbour. The smell of BBQs makes me throw up.

But that doesn't mean people shouldn't have them, it's my problem.

Really? You actually vomit when someone is having a BBQ? Have you seen your GP about that?
Honeyroar · 02/04/2021 11:40

I’d just reply that everything she is grumbling about it perfectly legal and acceptable- nothing that an ordinary neighbour wouldn’t do. Point out to her that you hear noise from her side and get shade from her trees sometimes too, but you accept that as part of having neighbours. Tell her that you don’t want to fall out but you’re getting tired of this. Remind her she lives in a semi not a palace and that your gardener works for you, not her.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/04/2021 11:40

Do what you like and ignore her. Smile and nod.

The council probably have her on their own 'smile and nod' list, if she does ever actually call them about this stuff.

I can't believe you only had one BBQ last year. It was so hot! We had them weekly. That you only opened your windows once, while your dd was playing clarinet. Just live your lives!

RedToothBrush · 02/04/2021 11:41

Just ignore or say 'crack on report me to the council'.

She's trying to intimidate and harass you.

LAgeDeRaisin · 02/04/2021 11:42

OP I'm an antisocial bastard and all of this I would find irritating.

Due to the fact that it is unreasonable for me to be irritated by the mere proximity of other people, I live in the country where I can just be irritated by the occasional rogue sheep escaping into my garden.

If she hates people living near her, she needs to move where there are no people.

Sheep can be wankers too but they're the lesser of two evils.

She needs to fuck off and accept that you have every right to use your own garden and if not, relocate nearer to sheep.

notanothersaveusername · 02/04/2021 11:48

Nod, smile ignore. Every time

Original poster
RamblingRosita · 02/04/2021 11:51

I can't believe you only had one BBQ last year. It was so hot!

It is because it is a bugger to clean and my youngest DC hates wasps and there are always loads in the garden in the summer. This year though I will be having more as I have a super-duper new BBQ.

OP posts: