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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who IBU me or neighbour?

176 replies

RamblingRosita · 02/04/2021 09:20

Every time I see my neighbour she pulls me up on something. I dread seeing her.

We live in detached houses and there is a fence that separates the two so it is actually quite private.

According to my neighbour my hedge blocks her light. Well, my hedge is below the legal height of 2m and she has trees growing the other side of my hedge which are 3 m's high so if her light is blocked it is not my doing.

The most annoying thing though is she has complained about my BBQs. Well, last year I had 1 BBQ and in 2019 I had 2. Apparently, she doesn't like smelling my food and can't go outside when I do it.

Summer is coming along and we are restricted to what we can and can't do and one of the things I want to do is spend more time outside, using my new BBQ.

Who is BU here and if it is her, what would you say? This couple has loads of their friends around all the time in their garden and are really noisey but hey, that's OK because that is them. She makes PA threats such as "I wouldn't want to make it an issue with the council". If she wasn't my neighbour I would have said something quite rude by now. We are actually quite quiet people and are hardly ever in our garden. plus is if half an acre so it's not like we are out and they are a couple of metres away.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 02/04/2021 12:53

This couple has loads of their friends around all the time in their garden and are really noisey

Has this been during the pandemic?? If yes, next time she starts I would respond that you haven’t complained about her actually breaking the rules so she should consider that as your bbq’s, hedge etc are not actually breaking any guidelines whatsoever!! Out of the two of you, one is certainly out of line.....

diwrnachoflleyn · 02/04/2021 12:56

Why are you not enjoying your home because of her? Fuck that. Do as you please. She says something, you say, go ahead and complain. I'm not bothered. Have a nice day! And move on.

Biscuitsdisappear · 02/04/2021 13:13

Keep a record of their social events and how loud it is so that you have got something to refer to in the future.

Bettysnow · 02/04/2021 13:17

I would phone the council and ask them to send you a list of what is and isn't acceptable then hand it to her and ask her where exactly you have breached anything? When you have the council official on the phone explain what is happening and say you would like it logged that you suspect your neighbour plans to falsely report you. Hopefully they have a policy on malicious reporting which you could also give her

m0therofdragons · 02/04/2021 13:22

My neighbour was similar and I chose to deliberately miss her point and turn it into friendly chat... “you don’t like the smell of bbq food? Oh what a shame, we love it... I’m sure you’ll get used to it” big brazen smile. This kind of thing happened a few times (a couple of times I’d got home from work tired and didn’t realise she was having a good until I got in the house and it dawned on me but as that worked I’ve since deliberately missed her point so she probably thinks I’m thick or thick skinned).

m0therofdragons · 02/04/2021 13:24

Oh and another response “oh living in the middle of nowhere sometimes sounds like a nice idea doesn’t it then you don’t have to tolerate things you can’t change... oh well, we can dream; have a lovely weekend.

NanuNanuM · 02/04/2021 13:25

Tell her to make an issue of it with the council.

NanuNanuM · 02/04/2021 13:27

I've decided you need to invest in a fire pit and every evening sit round it chatting loudly.

Also buy some tall plastic trees with nights on them that flash when it's dark. Put them in your hedge.

Cherrysoup · 02/04/2021 13:40

Why are you letting her bully you? You don’t need to tell her to fuck off or anything so drastic, but she needs to understand that normal everyday activities are what you’re doing and no, you won’t stop. If you want a bbq, bloody well have one. Open the windows if your dd is playing the clarinet. You’d be crazy to let her carry on controlling you.

Next time she goes off on one tell her firmly 'this my house and my garden and I can do as please in both, just as you can do as you please in yours. I am not going to enter into any further discussion on this matter'. Then ignore her thereafter.

Very sound advice.

AnneElliott · 02/04/2021 13:47

Sounds like you moved i to my old house op. My neighbours used to complain about anything we did, but they could do anything they wanted and found it bizarre that anyone would complain.

For example their visitors and especially her DIL used to park over my drive all the time, even though their drive as empty and there were other spaces on the road. After a while I went and told them not to do it and they were astonished it was as issue!

Then one day, my dad dropped off something to me- didn't get out of his car and even kept the engine running but pulled up over their drive. She flew out of the house as he was handing me the item through the window!! Apparently her DIL actually parking over my drive for months was completely different Hmm

Notthissticky · 02/04/2021 14:04

Oh OP, I hear you. We moved into an upstairs maisonette 6 months ago. The downstairs neighbour seemed lovely at first, but when we didn't reply to her moany texts she started slamming the doors every time our toddler cried. We went round for a chat and she'd clearly been expecting us to apologise and shell out for soundproofing. She was most put out when we said we were not doing anything out of the ordinary and looked almost offended when I suggested she could soundproof her ceiling. She's definitely been making more noise herself recently and when I'm having a bad day it really gets to me. I try to stick with the facts though: she is causing us a nuisance, we're not doing anything wrong, her sense of entitlement is astonishing, we don't owe her anything, we've been polite and factual, whereas she's been rude/ offensive (opening shot was that our son is a mardy child and her heart sank when she learnt I was pregnant. Fucking bitch!) and very emotive. Keep the moral high ground, stay polite and cheery but don't engage in any conversation. I feel for you, it sucks as this kind of person can have a real impact on you if you're nice and considerate. The fact that you're posting here shows you areFlowers

user1471538283 · 02/04/2021 14:16

Tell her that the next time she has a loud party you will report her and do so. I'm so fed up of neighbours thinking they can bully others.

RedToothBrush · 02/04/2021 15:06

@NanuNanuM

I've decided you need to invest in a fire pit and every evening sit round it chatting loudly.

Also buy some tall plastic trees with nights on them that flash when it's dark. Put them in your hedge.

FIRE PIT NOW

I demand it!

jessstan2 · 02/04/2021 15:17

I replied to this thread earlier but feel you must have confidence, Rambling.

Your neighbour is the unreasonable one. You are not blocking her light out in any way and there is nothing wrong with having a barbecue which is something most people do in good weather (my son even does it in bad weather).

She makes empty threats about the 'council' who would laugh at her. She has no leg to stand on.

I wonder what her problem is but, whatever, it is not your problem. You just carry on as you are and ignore.

DissociativeBitch · 02/04/2021 15:19

She's in the wrong! What a head case. Tell her in no uncertain terms to leave you alone.
Let her go to the council about your bbqs, what does she think they'll do. 😂

mn81987 · 02/04/2021 16:02

She would hate me! We have bbq's every weekend in spring/summer!

MzHz · 02/04/2021 16:16

The reason she’s like this, is because you’re letting her

Tell her that you’re having bbq whenever you fancy it and by all means for her to contact the (usually completely overstretched) council if a bit of bbq smoke for a couple of hours ruins her life.

We had this with our godforsaken neighbours

Obstacles to control where we drove, width restrictions, interfering with delivery services or garden maintenance

We’ve put those people well and truly back in their place and now we life the way were supposed to. With the bounds of the access agreement.
We get deliveries whenever we like.

Put her back in her place. Calmly but firmly

Then if that doesn’t work, allow yourself to be rude!

It’s sometimes the only thing that actually works

MzHz · 02/04/2021 16:18

Oh do fuck off dear works spectacularly well in this type of situation Smile

Homebird8 · 02/04/2021 21:50

She needs to fuck off and accept that you have every right to use your own garden and if not, relocate nearer to sheep

Genius.

StoneofDestiny · 02/04/2021 22:16

Stick some earphones in and point to them every time she speaks to you and just carry on with your day. You are doing nothing wrong, just ignore her.

FOJN · 02/04/2021 22:27

She's a bully who is getting a kick out of trying to intimidate you.

Don't lower yourself to her level be polite but very firm whenever she complains, make it clear you will not be adjusting your behaviour because it is not unreasonable. I had a neighbour who tried this sort of nonsense, didn't hear another peep out of him after I stood up to him, my "fuck off" was so polite I could almost see steam coming out of his ears.

Cherrysoup · 02/04/2021 22:28

Next time she mentions ‘not wanting to cause an issue with the council’, please film her as you say ‘For a bbq? Please do, I can’t wait to hear their reaction!’ Then walk off laughing hard. She’s batshit.

TheLastLotus · 02/04/2021 22:34

Get her to actually call the council - would be a laugh!

CornishTiger · 02/04/2021 22:48

Are you private or rented.

If social housing the housing officer really will give her no air time on these non issues.

As for the council I’m struggling to understand what she thinks they’d be interested in.....

LouiseTrees · 02/04/2021 23:16

When you going to cut the hedge. Reply when are going to cut back your trees they block my light. I hate the smell of your barbecue it ruins the atmosphere outside.Wouldn’t want it to be a council issue. Reply, I’m sorry but the noise from your garden also causes me concern at the same frequency. Wouldn’t want that to become a council issue and so on.

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