Who IBU me or neighbour?

[RamblingRosita]

Every time I see my neighbour she pulls me up on something. I dread seeing her.

We live in detached houses and there is a fence that separates the two so it is actually quite private.

According to my neighbour my hedge blocks her light. Well, my hedge is below the legal height of 2m and she has trees growing the other side of my hedge which are 3 m's high so if her light is blocked it is not my doing.

The most annoying thing though is she has complained about my BBQs. Well, last year I had 1 BBQ and in 2019 I had 2. Apparently, she doesn't like smelling my food and can't go outside when I do it.

Summer is coming along and we are restricted to what we can and can't do and one of the things I want to do is spend more time outside, using my new BBQ.

Who is BU here and if it is her, what would you say? This couple has loads of their friends around all the time in their garden and are really noisey but hey, that's OK because that is them. She makes PA threats such as "I wouldn't want to make it an issue with the council". If she wasn't my neighbour I would have said something quite rude by now. We are actually quite quiet people and are hardly ever in our garden. plus is if half an acre so it's not like we are out and they are a couple of metres away.

I’d start BBQ-ing sardines.

Smile and nod. Or put the wind up her and tell her your thinking of moving.

Don’t want to fall out with her but, some people just want to moan, endlessly.

You say you're usually assertive, so be assertive with her. That doesn't mean getting into a confrontation, or swearing at her.

I like Midelifelady's suggestion. Firm but not aggressive or rude.

@TheProvincialLady

Limit your interaction to a cheery “hello” and keep walking. Don’t ever stop to have any conversation with her.

And the reply “ok” as suggested is also helpful,if you’re really pushed into conversation. You can also say “I’m happy with the height of my hedge thanks” and “this is all just normal family and living noise, the same as we hear from you, but obviously if you’re concerned you could always contact the council”. But mainly just keep smiling, greeting abs walking so fast she can’t catch you. Because you’re so incredibly busy.

This.

It's not inflammatory, but you're getting your point across.

Some posters are just being ridiculous telling you to swear back at neighbour and be quite confrontational. No need for that at all....you can get your message across in a much classier way

Next time she goes off on one tell her firmly 'this my house and my garden and I can do as please in both, just as you can do as you please in yours. I am not going to enter into any further discussion on this matter'. Then ignore her thereafter.

I recall someone who had a neighbour like that and lived in a small village.

The yappy dog suddenly needed a walk at about 10pm at night, not at its normal time. The window of the car was wound down when reversing if at night, with loud music for a few seconds. You get the drift I am sure.

A smelly barbecue seems one option.

When people really piss me off but I can’t tell them to F off what I do is only respond to actual questions. So
“ your hedge blocks my light” no answer
“I dont like smelling your food” no answer
Or at most they get a “oh yes?” And that’s it
Drives people nuts but you haven’t actually been rude so they can’t complain

People like that don’t expect to be talked back to

I suffer with a neighbour like this who has been verbally abusive to every member of my family about stupid things - the cat walking on her pavement, shared washing lines etc etc. I just put up with it as I didn't want to fall out with people when I'd newly moved there.

I've tried talking to her and her husband but they just talk over the top of me.
In the end I had to report them to the Community Warden and thankfully there hasn't been any more bother with them.

Agree with others just smile and ignore.
Although I would purposely have a bbq when her washing went out just to piss her off.

@moochingtothepub

BBQ are a bit annoying, but you are allowed to use it! I would refrain from using it before 5pm unless you warn her, (and limit lunchtime to once a month) and ensure you don't have noisy bbq's more than once a week (aka friends around) on average.

Warn her?

You're kidding, right?

It's a bbq not a bonfire!

I'm 50 and I wouldn't dream of going to a younger neighbour with a list of complaints!

I do think that accepting the ''complaints'' has reinforced her belief that this is the narrative, ie, that you are annoying her
She has given no thought at all to what it's like to live next door to her.

In her head, that's the narrative so she feels entirely reasonable.

Undermine that narrative as subtly and sweetly as you can!

''Oh hi neighbour, we're too conscious of others, we can't relax!

''We need to enjoy our home and our space more!''''

''have you been inside all summer? all year? that's hard on you neighbour, very hard on you'' - head tilt.

These may be bad examples but you can flip a narrative to a degree.

I once became aware that a woman had painted me as chaotic and I had to start sentences with ''because I"m never late, worriers over react when once in a blue moon I'm late''.

Yswim.

Still polite, but firmly rejecting her narrative that YOU are annoying HER.

I’d laugh at her if she suggests again the council would take forward a complaint about a bbq.
I’d just rebut everything with a fake cherry ‘yes these are all within the bounds of normal family life aren’t they’.

I'd be smiling sickly sweet and reply with "Oh that's a shame. How awkward for you. Bye"

I'd be having a BBQ breakfast.

You need to answer her back.

Issues with your BBQs - well I don’t have an issue when your friends come over and can be noisy. Issues with your 2m trees - well perhaps you should look at cutting back your 3m trees.

I'd be BBQing every night.

And point out the hedge is good for bird nesting.

Time to get a tarp up over your bbq so you can bbq every day and in all weathers, while your DD stands next to you practising her clarinet into a loud speaker and your OH poors miraclegrow on your hedge I reckon.

The council will do nothing about any of the things she's mentioned. Next time she threatens that I'd smile sweetly and say Its a shame you feel that way, I'll wait to hear from the council then.
Don't apologise, don't be rude, be ridiculously polite but point out facts. (And perhaps ask when she's cutting down her trees to help with her light issue.)

Agree with others just smile and ignore.
Although I would purposely have a bbq when her washing went out just to piss her off.

Lol. This is the sort of thing I’d imagine doing but wouldn’t, as it wouldn’t be worth the hassle of extra conflict with her.

I’d be more likely to go with the ‘Report away’ response as you know that she won’t get anywhere if she tries that.

Headphones. For every time likely to see her... Be singing and just smile and wave... Stop any opportunities for chat (moany bitch - her not you!)..

I would avoid full-on arguments with neighbours at all costs. It might feel good at the time to stand your ground and tell them to fuck off, but it’s honestly not worth it. Worst case scenario it results in legal wrangling, which can then make it hard to sell the house in future. And being on overtly hostile terms with neighbours makes life truly horrible.

I would just try and be breezy and non-committal. Just nod and make sympathetic noises while she’s moaning, and say “yeah it’s tricky isn’t it, oh well”, then change the subject or walk away.

Some people just like to complain. It’s like a hobby. Don’t rise to it.

I do sometimes get annoyed with them when I have washing out, but there is nothing I can do. I can’t imagine telling my neighbours the cant BBQ as it makes my washing smell!

There was a time when neighbours would mention bbq's to those nearby - not to seek permission or invite them - but so they could being their washing in if theybdidnt want it smelling. Doesnt seem to be done where we live.

Lose your patients with her and give her a bollocking. Tell her how you are well within your rights, that you are fed up with her snide remarks. Be fierce and then strop off. She is used to you being passive and polite and will continue unless you show her another side to yourself. She is in the wrong here and you would be perfectly justified.

We had this with a neighbour a few doors away. We had to get some urgent work done on our garden and used a well respected gardener in the area. They started work at 9am. 9.10am I got a phone call from the neighbour 'it's too early, I'll have to have a chat with the council if you don't stop them'. Now, we had put a note through everyone's door in our cul de sac explaining why the work had to be done (dodgy tree about to topple and had caused a bit of land to slip so it needed shoring up), our gardener/tree surgeon knew what time they were allowed to start by law and I'd checked it (8am).

So I told him he was welcome to call the council and I'd be happy to speak to them if there was a problem. Otherwise the gardener was in our garden at 9am everyday for a couple of days. Never heard a peep (what a surprise).

Check your council's website in case there are restrictions (unlikely), then carry on. If she wants to call the council she is perfectly entitled to - they're used to time wasters unfortunately and will tell her so.

For the love of God. Why do people who are otherwise assertive put up with this shit? If she says something with a sickly smile, next time, just reply that you doubt that the council would be interested. Or reply sayingn the same about her garden gatherings. She's relying on you saying nothing. So give her a nice suprise. I'd bet she doesn't mention it agian.

She'll continue as long as you allow her to. So stop her.

Next time she complains about your daughter's clarinet playing tell her not to worry, that your daughter is tiring of the clarinet and will be moving on to bagpipes soon.