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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who IBU me or neighbour?

176 replies

RamblingRosita · 02/04/2021 09:20

Every time I see my neighbour she pulls me up on something. I dread seeing her.

We live in detached houses and there is a fence that separates the two so it is actually quite private.

According to my neighbour my hedge blocks her light. Well, my hedge is below the legal height of 2m and she has trees growing the other side of my hedge which are 3 m's high so if her light is blocked it is not my doing.

The most annoying thing though is she has complained about my BBQs. Well, last year I had 1 BBQ and in 2019 I had 2. Apparently, she doesn't like smelling my food and can't go outside when I do it.

Summer is coming along and we are restricted to what we can and can't do and one of the things I want to do is spend more time outside, using my new BBQ.

Who is BU here and if it is her, what would you say? This couple has loads of their friends around all the time in their garden and are really noisey but hey, that's OK because that is them. She makes PA threats such as "I wouldn't want to make it an issue with the council". If she wasn't my neighbour I would have said something quite rude by now. We are actually quite quiet people and are hardly ever in our garden. plus is if half an acre so it's not like we are out and they are a couple of metres away.

OP posts:
JensonsAcolyte · 02/04/2021 09:45

‘Oh do fuck off, Barbara’

littleredberries · 02/04/2021 09:48

Tell them if she expects zero noise, zero smell, she should live in the sticks.
Tell her if she wants to talk to the council she can go right ahead. She will not get support and you are done with the threats.

AnneFuckingKirrin · 02/04/2021 09:49

Bloody hell, you’re living next door to a Mner !
I agree with pp that you should challenge her.

6demandingchildren · 02/04/2021 09:49

I would get your daughter to practice her clarinet outside while you are having your BBQ, and when you have finished play some black Sabbath loudly while cleaning up.

VivienScott · 02/04/2021 09:49

My neighbours at the rear of my house were a bit like this, they’ve moved out now thankfully. One of their moans was about my bbq. I listened to them, explained my position, we keep it well away from any fence line, we weren’t the only ones having bbqs, we were entitled to enjoy our garden etc, but they just got more and more irate, so in the end I told them tough luck. They eventually went away when they realised I wasn’t going to be bullied.

hashbrownsandwich · 02/04/2021 09:50

I would be doing a nice low and slow 8 hour brisket on the bbq weekly Grin

JerryMoreIceCream · 02/04/2021 09:53

I used to work on the next section to environmental health, tell her to report you, they always like a good laugh at the absurdity of people. they used to keep a record of the most ridiculous things people reported their neighbours for. As part of the induction process they would show new recruits the batshit crazy they would be dealing with as well as the legitimate complaints.

My response to any complaint about noise or BBQs would be report me then.

jazzyroll · 02/04/2021 09:56

Just tell her that you have already spoken to the council because you were concerned you were doing something wrong but they said you weren't. And you completely understand if neighbour would also like to contact the council to confirm the same. And walk away.

Original poster
RamblingRosita · 02/04/2021 09:58

I think I am going to concoct a really dense chilli and onion paste with some anchovies and use it as a marinade for my next BBQ Wink

This is quite frustrating for me because usually, I am really assertive. I'd rather not get into one with my neighbour as I can't be bothered. I can see I am going to have to put her in her place. I had a gardener round and she started giving him loads of shit about not cutting the hedge down enough.

OP posts:
Whammyyammy · 02/04/2021 10:00

I would go out of my way to have an bbq every night for a month! She sounds like a PITA, but she'd get the message quickly

Totallyfedup1979 · 02/04/2021 10:01

You simply say:

I understand that you don’t like smelling the food/ hearing the clarinet/my hedge...

however, I do enjoy a BBQ/ hearing my daughter practicing/ the privacy of the hedge.

I’m sure you’ll agree that this is perfectly acceptable, but if you are unsure, please do feel free to contact the council for clarification.

nicknamehelp · 02/04/2021 10:04

Just ignore her if she does report u to the council for any of these "crimes" there is nothing the council would do as hedge perfect height, bbqs allowed, music practice allowed. Just carry on as you are and have more bbqs!
If she complains just say you are doing nothing wrong, and hedge height is not being reduced. (if u reduced it I can guarantee she would moan her privacy was being affected)

IntermittentParps · 02/04/2021 10:04

She makes PA threats such as I wouldn't want to make it an issue with the council".
Reply with a smile 'So don't then,' and walk away.

She will be sickly sweet and ask after your family, oh it is so lovely to see you, and then BHAMM!! "When are you going to cut your hedge?
So before she gets on to the hedge or whatever, reply politely 'We're fine thanks. Bye!' and walk off.

She just needs a life. It's quite sad really. Keep reminding yourself of that.

Kaleidoscopecascade · 02/04/2021 10:05

The council won't be any attention to her empty threats. Do you as you please in your garden. Have a bbq whenever you want. Smile and say oh I did notice you had a bbq the other week if she mentions yours.

jobbeedancer · 02/04/2021 10:05

If you do nothing wrong then tell her to just fuck right off. She won't speak to you again. You'll only need to say it once.

Knittedfairies · 02/04/2021 10:05

I'd tell her she is quite within her rights 'to make it an issue with the council' and tell her to get on with it. Hell, I might even just have the phone number of the department she needs to contact about my person when she starts complaining.

Skyla2005 · 02/04/2021 10:07

Just take no notice of her you are doing nothing wrong. Sounds like she's actually bullying you in a way. Have as many bbqs as you like and if she moans just say it's perfectly legal to enjoy your own garden Most people would have told her where to go by now and she wouldn't have said anymore ! You are being too nice

SionnachGlic · 02/04/2021 10:07

Ignore her....my NDN almost always pops out to her clothes line if I'm in my back garden or to her car if I'm out front...she's a nosey baggage & any conversation she has is an attempted dig or complaint. My trees too tall, they weren't before she remodelled & now spends more time in a diff part of her house.& I do have them trimmed/cut when neccessary. My son went to Uni...neither of hers did so 'it is parents forcing expectations/ambitions on children'. My son got a great job & moved abroad....hers (older) still at home.. she's ' Abroad! Imagine wanting to get away like that..'.so I'm 'great to see kids mature & become independent'. I usually don't engage but the above is the gist of how she would start things. I have headphones on if I'm gardening now (not always playing tho 🤣) so I can totally ignore her if I feel like it. She is a right dose. Continue on OP....

Skyla2005 · 02/04/2021 10:08

@RamblingRosita

I really don't like the way she operates. She will be sickly sweet and ask after your family, oh it is so lovely to see you, and then BHAMM!! "When are you going to cut your hedge? Also, I heard your DD playing her clarinet, how lovely, it was very loud and I wouldn't want to make an issue of it."
She sounds really horrible
moochingtothepub · 02/04/2021 10:08

BBQ are a bit annoying, but you are allowed to use it! I would refrain from using it before 5pm unless you warn her, (and limit lunchtime to once a month) and ensure you don't have noisy bbq's more than once a week (aka friends around) on average.

DorotheaDiamond · 02/04/2021 10:11

I can send dh and dd to play trumpet to accompany your bbq if you like!

hellcatspangle · 02/04/2021 10:13

I would refrain from using it before 5pm unless you warn her, (and limit lunchtime to once a month) and ensure you don't have noisy bbq's more than once a week (aka friends around) on average.

What? It's her house, she can have a bbq when she likes, she's not having a rave.

Onthegrid · 02/04/2021 10:14

I knew the sun was out this week because I was working with the windows open and could smell the BBQs. No idea which neighbour(s) it was as I didn’t go on a spying mission. I do sometimes get annoyed with them when I have washing out, but there is nothing I can do. I can’t imagine telling my neighbours the cant BBQ as it makes my washing smell!

We do have 1 neighbour who likes to complain about something every time we meet (we have multiple neighbours despite being detached as we live in on a 21st century built housing estate), last time she caught me it was about the new ‘man’ who had moved in opposite her and was parking on the road not his driveway. She was going to knock and have a word to tell him it was causing her problems. I just nodded and moved the conversation on, she is a really nervous driver and there was no obstruction at all.

Totallyfedup1979 · 02/04/2021 10:14

To add to my previous post, I don’t think it’s worth getting into aggro with neighbours. It’s easy for MN’s to say ‘tell her to fuck off’, but it’s you that has to live next door to them.

My neighbour was complaining about something petty recently. Let’s pretend it was vacuuming at noon. I told them I understood that the noise was a disturbance, but that I also needed to carry out this activity, but it should never take too long to do. I then went on to ask

‘Do you think there is another way we can compromise?’

This simple question made my neighbour realise that actually I never made noise for long and that I had to do this activity. That I chose a suitable time of day for it and had actually been reasonable and fair.

They said something about ‘keeping it short’ which I reiterated that I try to do regardless and slightly grudgingly they left. They couldn’t suggest a better compromise because what they were asking was unreasonable and they realised it.

Had they suggested an unreasonable compromise, I would have said ‘I don’t think that’s a reasonable compromise as it’s heavily in your favour. What else can we do?’.

I showed willing though, so we still get along well and there is no animosity.

ChaToilLeam · 02/04/2021 10:18

You are not obliged to do anything just because another person thinks you ought to. She’s nosey and petty and you have every right to ignore her silly complaints. Stand up to her! She won’t like it but so what?

“I wouldn’t want to make an issue of it” - you’ve been given the perfect answer to that: “then don’t”.