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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who IBU me or neighbour?

176 replies

RamblingRosita · 02/04/2021 09:20

Every time I see my neighbour she pulls me up on something. I dread seeing her.

We live in detached houses and there is a fence that separates the two so it is actually quite private.

According to my neighbour my hedge blocks her light. Well, my hedge is below the legal height of 2m and she has trees growing the other side of my hedge which are 3 m's high so if her light is blocked it is not my doing.

The most annoying thing though is she has complained about my BBQs. Well, last year I had 1 BBQ and in 2019 I had 2. Apparently, she doesn't like smelling my food and can't go outside when I do it.

Summer is coming along and we are restricted to what we can and can't do and one of the things I want to do is spend more time outside, using my new BBQ.

Who is BU here and if it is her, what would you say? This couple has loads of their friends around all the time in their garden and are really noisey but hey, that's OK because that is them. She makes PA threats such as "I wouldn't want to make it an issue with the council". If she wasn't my neighbour I would have said something quite rude by now. We are actually quite quiet people and are hardly ever in our garden. plus is if half an acre so it's not like we are out and they are a couple of metres away.

OP posts:
memberofthewedding · 02/04/2021 23:32

Neighbours like this can be dealt with by a "grey rock" technique which involves simply not reacting or giving them anything to feed off. Just nodding or saying "right" or "ok" and then walking on. Better still, simply dont stop and talk. Then there is the "busy busy must get on" routine. With a bit of practice you can dismiss people by your attitude without being overtly rude or telling them to fuck off. Phone pressed to ear is a great one.

TaraR2020 · 02/04/2021 23:37

Next time, brightly and sympathetically let her know that are really effective ear plugs available to buy quite cheaply these days. In fact, you have a pair left over from holiday that she's more than welcome to if she likes..?

PhilCornwall1 · 03/04/2021 06:38

Tell her bluntly to fuck off and that you'll complain to the council the next times she's a noise nuisance in her garden.

Just because you are neighbours, you don't have to keep her happy if she's being a dick.

Nitpickpicnic · 03/04/2021 07:13

Sorry, haven’t RTFT.

I’ve had quite a few neighbours like this. Blind to how their own behaviours might annoy others, but all too keen to address everyone else’s. I usually hear them out fully, once. I keep a neutral, but slightly puzzled expression. Then I pause, as if contemplating what I can do to help them. I smile and say something like ‘yes, it can be tricky living in close proximity with people who have different habits to our own- we’ve certainly had those moments too. We’ve learnt that ‘live n let live’ really is the best way to deal with it all.’

Throw in a few more noncommittal things like ‘mmm, that’s interesting to hear you do/you’d do it differently.’ And end with ‘I’m afraid we’ll just have to agree to disagree on this one’. I also have invented a ‘friend’ who works for council. I drop it in at some point, that I could call her for extra info or to have a brochure sent out to neighbour. Gives the impression that council won’t come down on their side in a dispute.

Good luck!

Sceptre86 · 03/04/2021 07:17

Don't interact with her at all. Any time she comments, retort back. She seems to be under the impression she can say what she wants to you, let her know that is not the case.

StoneofDestiny · 03/04/2021 13:33

"I wouldn't want your harassment of me to become an issue for the council either"

RaraRachael · 03/04/2021 14:33

I tried talking to my neighbour when she somplained about non existent things our family had done. There was no point as she always talked over me and had to have the last word. I eventually got the Community Warden to visit her when I was publicly accused of somthhing I didn't do and she has been told never to speak to any member of our household again,

They are vile people. I've no idea why they pick on us as other people could do the same dreadful things (shaking a mat out the door, talking outside their house) and they wouldn't say a thing to them.

Steptoeshorse1965 · 03/04/2021 14:49

Sounds like a moaning old twat to me. If you are legal with your fence heights etc and all else, why worry? If you choose to have the occasional BBQ on your side, it's none of hers. Suggest she cuts those trees down, in fact speak to the council yourself and just ask their opinion of reasonable behaviour in your garden, see what they say. I don't like veiled threats or those who make them. Or just drop into conversation you may be selling up to settling travellers, who think your acreage would be grand to pile scrap and the odd coloured cob on. More than one way to skin a cat.

Original poster
RamblingRosita · 03/04/2021 15:00

You are not going to believe this but they had friends round today in their garden and had a BBQ. I could smell their food. Also, their guests kept disappearing from the garden. Inside perhaps?

OP posts:
Original poster
RamblingRosita · 03/04/2021 15:03

Also, today I have been measuring up for some trees that I am going to plant which fill the gaps between her trees. Grin

OP posts:
YarnSquirrel · 03/04/2021 15:17

You are not being unreasonable.
I used to live next door to someone exactly like this who the family called "the old hag".
In our old house shortly after we moved in and she would come out (always when i was alone) and ask why i hung my washing in the place i hung it, why didnt I use the other door instead of that door when i came in and out etc, comment about things I planted or gardening I was doing, where I parked the car and the bins ON OUR OWN DRIVE.

Being polite and not a fan of confrontation (it makes me nervous) I used to just listen to what she said to keep the peace, but I never stopped what I was doing, the washing was hung where i hung it etc
Only it got worse - it was then "I thought I told you...." (about moving the washing line).

People like this can go one of two ways when you tell them to fuck off as suggested by some others on MSN here - they either go away and never bother you again, or become much, much, worse! Dont risk it.

Its all to do with "control" and your neighbour thinks she has you under her control by coming out and complaining about tiny things that dont matter. Do not feel intimidated or dread coming and going from your home - the woman will know she is doing this to you - like i said its all behaviour to try to control you in some way.

Do not change your enjoyment of your garden you are just enjoying it like anyone else is entitled to.

Do not worry about the Council. Whoever deals with her complaint at the council probably would love to tell her to "get a life". I had a friend who worked for a council and they used to have an ink stamp that said "Whinge Bag" and they would stamp a post it note with it and staple it to the file (so it could be removed in case the public needed to view it) as a warning to other Council employees what they were dealing with. After she puts the phone down (if she ever rang) they would have a good laugh with colleagues about another "Mrs Bucket" with nothing better to do - they have far more serious things to deal with.

As for conversations, keep it to one word answers at all times whenever possible.... hello, goodbye, really? and for instance when she mentions about the hedge being too tall just look into her eyes and raise your eyebrows take a sigh and then walk away. You do not have to be polite to people like this and if you behave like this what could she say to someone else about it? you walked away and said nothing?... and if she doesnt get the message and it continues just completely blank her off - that really irritates control freaks.

When you are out and she is there (obviously she has nothing to do in life but moan) hold your head up high, in my experience the neighbour that is being moaned at for doing nothing out of the ordinary is usually the better person.

LAgeDeRaisin · 03/04/2021 19:03

OP I think you should topiary one of your new boundary trees into a large cock and balls facing her house.

PhilCornwall1 · 03/04/2021 19:20

@LAgeDeRaisin

OP I think you should topiary one of your new boundary trees into a large cock and balls facing her house.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
SionnachGlic · 03/04/2021 23:06

03LAgeDeRaisin

OP I think you should topiary one of your new boundary trees into a large cock and balls facing her house.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

justanotherneighinparadise · 03/04/2021 23:12

Well I would have fallen out with her years ago. You sound much, much nicer than me!

memberofthewedding · 04/04/2021 00:04

If someone threatened to "complain to the council" about me I would counter with. "No one loves a snitch and I wonder what all the others in the street will say when then know they have one living among them"

LakieLady · 04/04/2021 00:59

Really? You actually vomit when someone is having a BBQ? Have you seen your GP about that?

I often do if they use fluid or firelighters to get it alight. The smell triggers my migraines (as does the smell of paraffin, petrol and some paints), and I vomit repeatedly when I get a migraine, to the point where I've had to spend a few hours in hospital on a drip to be rehydrated.

Thankfully, my migraines have got much less frequent since I went through the menopause, and equally thankfully, my close neighbours don't go in for barbecues.

Deadringer · 04/04/2021 01:03

Nutty people have to live somewhere, it just so happens that this one lives beside you. Ignore.

RedToothBrush · 04/04/2021 01:14

@Deadringer

Nutty people have to live somewhere, it just so happens that this one lives beside you. Ignore.
You mean we can't round up the neighbours who complain for no reason and make them live next door to each other and film it for the next hit reality tv show?

Its a gameshow where they have to try and be the last household on the street. The idea is get your neighbours kicked out for breaking rules and there is a big prize for surviving until the end.

jessstan2 · 04/04/2021 02:00

@LakieLady

Really? You actually vomit when someone is having a BBQ? Have you seen your GP about that?

I often do if they use fluid or firelighters to get it alight. The smell triggers my migraines (as does the smell of paraffin, petrol and some paints), and I vomit repeatedly when I get a migraine, to the point where I've had to spend a few hours in hospital on a drip to be rehydrated.

Thankfully, my migraines have got much less frequent since I went through the menopause, and equally thankfully, my close neighbours don't go in for barbecues.

Gas barbecues are better. The food smells and tastes lovely, no paraffin odour involved.
WhereYouLeftIt · 04/04/2021 02:10

"She makes PA threats such as "I wouldn't want to make it an issue with the council"."

To which I would respond 'You could always try, I suppose - but it's not like you'd get anywhere.'

Seriously, take her to task. Complain about her barbecue, her trees, her breaking lockdown rules. And do so when she comes at you to complain, but before she has a chance to open her mouth.

"The woman thinks she can say what she likes and I won't say anything back because I am a lot younger than her."
Oh, you could have a lot of fun there! 'So good that you still have your hearing/sense of smell at your age! Anyway, must dash, things to do - byeee!'

And of course, have plenty of noncommittal phrases to deploy.

  • What a pity.
  • Really?
  • Mmm.
  • Is your life really so empty that you have to bother me with your shit?
  • Oh do fuck off, there's a dear.
PhilCornwall1 · 04/04/2021 02:30

Oh do fuck off, there's a dear.

This one has been put immediately into the bank for next time!

Theyrenotdrawsmate · 04/04/2021 02:58

Snitches get stitches, Doris...
I really hate that saying but I’d just love to see her face drop Grin in seriousness. I’d probably have to just nod and smile and say of course, feel free, do you need their number?

subbysammiexoxo · 04/04/2021 03:56

My former neighbor was the same but would play music loudly to the point we couldn't hear our own tv etc., I very poignantly stated I was making a log ands had informed the council (your log should include audio recordings subtly record everything including conversations and don't tell her till you have the complaint in plus a basic log of evidence and she will back down or the council will deal with her themselves.

memberofthewedding · 06/04/2021 14:21

I had a gardener round and she started giving him loads of shit about not cutting the hedge down enough.

My gardener arrived to replace the patio. The nosy bitch next door looked over the hedge and asked him what he was doing. He told her "Im digging up the patio so I can bury nosy people under it"

She has not approached him since.