AIBU to forget to change the duvet?

[MimiPigeon]

Can someone please tell me who is BU here? I simply don’t know any more.

DH went away on Wed night for work. My DM (bubble) had a pizza and movies sleepover with me and DC. There are 2 bedrooms so DM slept in the double bed and I slept with DC so she wouldn’t be disturbed. The next day I did all the laundry and cleaned so the house would be nice for the bank holiday weekend. I forgot to change the bedding.

DH came home last night and took his suitcase upstairs. I was in the bathroom washing DC after a poo incident. Then we went upstairs to say hello.

DH didn’t even greet us or kiss us. Instead he started yelling because I hadn’t changed the duvet that my DM had slept on. He was screaming this is the same duvet that was on the bed when I left! Am I supposed to change the duvet at this time of night? We don’t have a clean one because the spare duvet got a hole and was thrown out, so that means I’ll have to strip the bed and sleep with no sheets!

I know I forgot to change the bedding but I just think his behaviour was unacceptable. I went in DCs room and locked the door and I’ve stayed in here all night.

This is nuts OP! And so like my old life it's ridiculous. You need out. No matter what, the goalposts will change every single fucking time until you're worn down and don't know your own name anymore. He's horrible. Leave him and have a good life where you're not walking on eggshells waiting for whatever ridiculous "standard" he's imposed to trip you up.

OP I've just read your updates (only saw first page when I responded) and I don't say this lightly but he sounds like a massive prick. I do most of our cooking but DH will do special occasions and normally Saturday night dinner, but this is so I can sit down and enjoy a glass of wine while he takes the reins for a meal. You don't need to put up with this shit.

So many totally arsey husbands and partners on here today.
Why are women breeding with such total knobs?

@MimiPigeon

Is it a bit grim she slept on a bed you'd possibly had sex in We’ve had sex on the sofa and everyone sits on that. We’ve also had sex on the dining table.

OP you're an absolute champ.

You're husband on the other hand...

He's really weird. My husband would flop into bed and not give a damn if he was sleeping under newspapers when he's that tired. Your mother isn't some hobo off the street. He's behaving like a bastard. The adult response would be to realise you were busy and forgot, go to bed, and for him to strip and wash it himself the next day.

I'm playing through this scenario in my head and imagining what my husband would do and I can't see any series of events that would lead to him shouting at me.

Also, it's a common thing on here, but what with all the 'he was working, came home exhausted'. Ffs, the vast majority of jobs, including those 'away' aka an unbroken nights sleep in a hotel, do not involve being utterly utterly fucked and incapable of any sort of function the second you get home. Most of the adult population hold down a job and do some proportion, often all, of the household running too, but in mn land it seems to be get a jail free card for any amount of twattish entitled lazy arse hole behaviour

@HugeAckmansWife

Also, it's a common thing on here, but what with all the 'he was working, came home exhausted'. Ffs, the vast majority of jobs, including those 'away' aka an unbroken nights sleep in a hotel, do not involve being utterly utterly fucked and incapable of any sort of function the second you get home. Most of the adult population hold down a job and do some proportion, often all, of the household running too, but in mn land it seems to be get a jail free card for any amount of twattish entitled lazy arse hole behaviour

Exactly. I mean, I have a stressful job and often work away but I can still manage to change some bedding when I get home. And I’m never so tired that I rant and rave at my DH.

@MimiPigeon

Honestly if he is shouting at this why are you with him? I work for the family business that he owns, and we have DC. I don’t have a way out financially or otherwise. I don’t even know what is or isn’t abusive any more. Hence why I asked.

This is the most telling post you have made OP. If you don’t know what is and isn’t abusive anymore, that means he’s done such a number on you and messed with your mind so much that you can’t think straight. What would you say to a friend in this situation? To your daughter if you have one? Him twisting reality for you like this is a massive warning sign.

Posters bleating on about laundry - please stop. This isn’t the issue here.

[quote WaterBottle123]@FiveShelties

So let's say your sofa is five years old, which might mean you've sat on it for say, 7000 hours without washing it, shedding skin cells, bacteria, tears, sweat etc. And a guest comes round and sits on it for two hours.

How can you possibly argue this is less germy than some sheets that have been slept in for one night?? [/quote]
As I said, I never sit on other people's furniture naked so my clothes would be a barrier. We all have our own definition of what is grim and mine is sleeping in a bed with dirty sheets. You, of course, may not agree and that is fine by me.

daysofthunder:

He's really weird. My husband would flop into bed and not give a damn if he was sleeping under newspapers when he's that tired.
....
:-). Mine was the same, wouldn't notice. He slept on the bare mattress once!

I find the laundry standards on mumsnet seriously worrying - do people seriously wash everything if anyone outside of their family touches it? Unless your mum slathers herself in moisturiser before bed or has scabies then there is no need to wash everything. I assume she wore PJs or a nightie so all of the ‘yuck’ that people seem to think she’s covered in would’ve gone on them?

I agree. I seriously worry about people these days, it's pathetic to be so obsessed with something so trivial. Anyway, don't people use sheets with a duvet? They certainly do where I live (not UK), however I couldn't care less if someone else spent a night in my bed and the bedding wasn't washed.

Mumsnet often depresses the hell out of me. Some of you are victim-blaming arseholes. Shame on you.

Obviously he came home wanting to pick a fight. The bedding is a non issue. He sounds horrible and if this is how he wants to behave, he can get lost.

I forgot to say OP, YANBU and seriously I think it's your DH you need to change, rather than the duvet cover.

@MimiPigeon

Honestly if he is shouting at this why are you with him? I work for the family business that he owns, and we have DC. I don’t have a way out financially or otherwise. I don’t even know what is or isn’t abusive any more. Hence why I asked.

Shouting at you for such a small thing is abusive.

I can understand it might be inconvenient for him if it's really important to him to have clean sheets. But then if it was so important he should have actually asked you to do it. You're not a mind reader!

However he felt, there was no justification for shouting at you. Even if you'd sat around all day doing nothing he shouldn't have shouted at you.

How are things now and has he apologised or does he think it was justified?

YANBU.
HIBU.

Hope that helps.

However I would hate to sleep in bedding someone else has slept in - I wouldn't shout over it though.
If I knew dh wanted to make a cake I would just make sure we had generic cake stuff in, but then we always have that stuff in.
And finally, if I knew my dh was an abusive Pratt like yours I would be working towards getting myself out.

I am one of those people that change the bedding if someone different is sleeping in it. I have spares for all beds but even then I can forget to put the new set in until I go to bed. DH has never shouted at me for forgetting to change the bedding, tbf he is probably less bothered than me, but he will help me make the bed if it is late. No one has the right to shout at another person over unchanged bedding. Do get a spare set, even if it is cheap and for guests to use. Oh and I never iron covers... a quick tumble dry and shake and they are pretty much good to go.

@eaglejulesk

I find the laundry standards on mumsnet seriously worrying - do people seriously wash everything if anyone outside of their family touches it? Unless your mum slathers herself in moisturiser before bed or has scabies then there is no need to wash everything. I assume she wore PJs or a nightie so all of the ‘yuck’ that people seem to think she’s covered in would’ve gone on them?

I agree. I seriously worry about people these days, it's pathetic to be so obsessed with something so trivial. Anyway, don't people use sheets with a duvet? They certainly do where I live (not UK), however I couldn't care less if someone else spent a night in my bed and the bedding wasn't washed.

I sincerely hope some of you are not running a B&B or an hotel.

I am fairly relaxed about changing my own bedding but I would absolutely always put in fresh linen for guests, including close family, and wash it before using the bed myself.

I posted on here yesterday before your updates about Easter Sunday lunch and the lamb, OP, just seen them.

Had thought the duvet situation was a one off , but now realise it's a pattern of awful behaviour from your husband.

He's the issue, not the duvet , my apologies for not realising

He sounds awful OP and yes he is abusive. Do you have any support from friends or family?

Your husband is a dick.

Yes, OP, you are in an abusive relationship and your children will be affected too. I really hope you're looking for better advice on the Relationships board by now and ignoring all these idiotic comments about your housekeeping.

You'd have to be seriously lacking in perspicacity to read the OP and think this is a good place for your opinion on OP's bedding or her larder.

I'm horrified by this. Poor you OP.

Those of you having a go at the OP and saying it's 'disgusting' not to have changed the duvet cover: do you insist on people getting a new cover for their sofa when you visit? Do you ever sit on seats on buses and trains that other people have sat on? It's the same thing.

There is NO excuse for him having shouted at you OP. He is far, far more 'disgusting' than a duvet someone else has slept under for a night.

@MimiPigeon

Honestly if he is shouting at this why are you with him? I work for the family business that he owns, and we have DC. I don’t have a way out financially or otherwise. I don’t even know what is or isn’t abusive any more. Hence why I asked.

You have to find a way out See a counsellor for emotional support See a lawyer for legal support

All tge "everything is wrongs " it us buse
And life away from that is so much better
For now
If he is cooking he shops his ingredients

Meanwhile just stop ironing
No one cares aBout creases
If he does just point him to the iron and board

I was going to say that if he's generally a good husband and dad then maybe he was tired and a bit pissed off with the duvet might be understandable (not yelling at you though!) but reading your later updates, he sounds utterly vile!
I know it's easy to sit here and say LTB but honestly, you really should start to look into this. He's not going to get any better is he?!