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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to forget to change the duvet?

327 replies

MimiPigeon · 02/04/2021 08:35

Can someone please tell me who is BU here? I simply don’t know any more.

DH went away on Wed night for work. My DM (bubble) had a pizza and movies sleepover with me and DC. There are 2 bedrooms so DM slept in the double bed and I slept with DC so she wouldn’t be disturbed. The next day I did all the laundry and cleaned so the house would be nice for the bank holiday weekend. I forgot to change the bedding.

DH came home last night and took his suitcase upstairs. I was in the bathroom washing DC after a poo incident. Then we went upstairs to say hello.

DH didn’t even greet us or kiss us. Instead he started yelling because I hadn’t changed the duvet that my DM had slept on. He was screaming this is the same duvet that was on the bed when I left! Am I supposed to change the duvet at this time of night? We don’t have a clean one because the spare duvet got a hole and was thrown out, so that means I’ll have to strip the bed and sleep with no sheets!

I know I forgot to change the bedding but I just think his behaviour was unacceptable. I went in DCs room and locked the door and I’ve stayed in here all night.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 02/04/2021 10:58

What did his last slave die of?! Total over reaction by him. I was tired last night after basically doing 5 days work in 3 days. Somehow l cooked dinner, put out recycling, loaded the washing machine etc

@Sugarbelle exactly, it’s depressing how low the bar is that some people set. I for the record wouldn’t be spoken to like that for something so minor

Dindundundundeeer · 02/04/2021 10:58

OP his behaviour is disgusting.

As humans we evolved living with animals. OP’s mother is really not an issue here.

thebillyotea · 02/04/2021 11:01

@Dindundundundeeer

OP his behaviour is disgusting.

As humans we evolved living with animals. OP’s mother is really not an issue here.

😂 😂 😂

this is the best thread I have read in ages.

Dindundundundeeer · 02/04/2021 11:06

@thebillyotea what do you think would happen in this situation? Don’t misunderstand me, I change the sheets, but honestly it really is a non issue. Your body is quite capable of dealing with the dead skin cells that you encounter - your whole house is full of the stuff.

toocold54 · 02/04/2021 11:06

YABU the bedding would have been one of the top priorities so I can’t see how you would forget especially as you only have one.

WaterBottle123 · 02/04/2021 11:07

@FiveShelties

There really isn't, assuming OP's mum wore PJ's. Sofas are about 5000 times grosser, by any logical definition. Also people fall asleep all the time on sofas and no one then declares they have now crossed the threshold for washing because of the terrifying sleep germs 🤣

Honestly, we're all just socialised to think beds contain different germs to sofas. They really don't.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/04/2021 11:08

I think whether or not people will sleep in sheets others have slept in is not the main issue. It is your husband’s attitude.

The best would have been to work together, perhaps put a clean bottom sheet and pillowcases on the bed, both get showered and sleep in pjs with no cover. Put the wash on overnight.

Sometimes people make mistakes. He sounds like a perfectionist. Does this happen often? His attitude is the issue.

Personally I wouldn’t be ok to sleep in sheets my fil had slept in them. Mil (deceased) no problem. For me it’s a man / woman thing and everyone is different... so in your shoes I’d have got myself clean and slept with no duvet cover as a one off. I also wash my duvets with the changes of season.

But again this isn’t the solution to your main problem; the solution required is dealing with his attitude or him changing if that is something he is prepared to do.

lockdownalli · 02/04/2021 11:09

I can't believe the bashing OP is getting here. OMG She forgot to wash the duvet - big deal Grin

Your DH is a pig shouting at you like that in front of the DC and from the rest of your posts, this isn't isolated behaviour.

Is he trying to create arguments do you think? Is this the tip of the iceberg?

raincamepouringdown · 02/04/2021 11:12

@MimiPigeon

Did he bother to comment positively on all the stuff you had done? No. That’s my point. I’d spent hours ironing and cleaning then he yelled at me because I hadn’t also washed the duvet. It’s always the case, I do 9 things and he ignores them and yells because I haven’t done a 10th thing.
He's a twat and I can't believe you put up with this nonsense.
Meowchickameowmeow · 02/04/2021 11:13

Do you mean literally screaming, like an actual banshee because he didn't have a clean duvet cover? What a massively dickish reaction, does he react like that a lot?
I would suggest you buy some spare bedding though, it would have taken minutes to strip and remake the bed...with his help of course.

thebillyotea · 02/04/2021 11:13

Dindundundundeeer

it's not really about "what could happen". It's just very grim.
A lot of things could be shared or not washed without "anything happening", it's hardly the point.

that thread is hilarious though.

Original poster
MimiPigeon · 02/04/2021 11:18

is he normally like this?
He’s had another screaming fit this morning because I haven’t been shopping and bought the food he wants for Easter. He wanted to cook a roast and bake a cake on Sunday but I didn’t know what ingredients he wanted so I didn’t buy any when I went to Asda yesterday. I thought it was more sensible for him to choose a recipe and pop down to the supermarket himself today or tomorrow. He’s yelling that I’m selfish and lazy and I’ve ruined Easter. Even though he was sitting peacefully in a hotel on Wed night and I asked him to send me a list of ingredients he wanted me to buy on Thurs but he didn’t.

OP posts:
fluffysocks89 · 02/04/2021 11:18

When he stays in a hotel there’s a good chance the duvet cover isn’t changed. I know that from when I worked in them years ago. How dirty does he think your mum is. Confused

Kintsuji · 02/04/2021 11:20

Despite what some PPs have said, there are posts on this thread excusing the DPs behaviour. All those posts saying things like "he shouldn't have screamed but he was... Insert excuse....", The but is excusing the DPs behaviour. And it's not like he was just tired or stressed, because if he was tired/stressed and overreacted then be would have apologised.

blowinahoolie · 02/04/2021 11:20

You need a change of husband!

icdtap · 02/04/2021 11:28

He’s had another screaming fit this morning because I haven’t been shopping and bought the food he wants for Easter. He wanted to cook a roast and bake a cake on Sunday but I didn’t know what ingredients he wanted so I didn’t buy any when I went to Asda yesterday. I thought it was more sensible for him to choose a recipe and pop down to the supermarket himself today or tomorrow. He’s yelling that I’m selfish and lazy and I’ve ruined Easter. Even though he was sitting peacefully in a hotel on Wed night and I asked him to send me a list of ingredients he wanted me to buy on Thurs but he didn’t.

He's absolutely awful.
I cannot believe this thread has just descended into people bashing you because it's disgusting not to change the duvet cover.
The issue here is not that. It is your hideous husband.
I said above that it if it hadn't been the fucking disgusting duvet it would have been something else.
And now we have it - he kicks off about ingredients for something he wants to cook, calling you selfish and lazy when he didn't provide you with a list.

I'd have to wonder why he is deliberately picking fights like this after his week working away and I'd wonder if something was going on that was causing him to behave like this.

And could we perhaps quit with the "not changing the duvet is disgusting" arguments here and focus on this vile twat and his aggression and give the OP some proper advice about dealing with him.

OP, I think you should ruin Easter for him even more and tell him to get to fuck. He should go and stay somewhere else for the weekend.

foolonthehill · 02/04/2021 11:28

normal partners do not shout abuse at their partner
normal partners should not shout abuse in front of their child
normal partners do not expect to be served but to be partners

abusive partners shout abuse at their partner
abusive partners do not prioritise their child's welbeing
abusive partners expect service not partnership

you have a partner who is treating you without respect or care
you have a partner who is affecting your child's welbeing
I suggest that you have a look at abusive traits and call one of the domestic abuse helplines for support.

foolonthehill · 02/04/2021 11:29

and I am very sorry that you are experiencing this.

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 02/04/2021 11:29

He needs a row he'll never forget. He's a disgrace.

GuildfordGal · 02/04/2021 11:31

there are posts on this thread excusing the DPs behaviour. All those posts saying things like "he shouldn't have screamed but he was... Insert excuse....", The but is excusing the DPs behaviour. And it's not like he was just tired or stressed, because if he was tired/stressed and overreacted then be would have apologised

Quite. I have zero time for apologists for aggressive male behaviour. Forget the duvet/sofa/whatever. It's not about that, it's about how your DP reacted.

He’s had another screaming fit this morning

OP, I'm slow to say LTB as life is more complicated than that. However, I genuinely wouldn't have space in my life for someone who acted like this. He sounds absolutely awful.

Start making some hard decisions - this is NOT normal.

Deathraystare · 02/04/2021 11:32

I know you said you sent some bedding back as poor quality and you prefer to go look at stuff rather than order online, but would it not be worth ordering from say M&S for a spare or Matalan/John Lewis/Next. You really do need at least one spare. What if a child has an accident or something? Nothing to do with the knobhead you married, I am thinking about YOU!

dementedpixie · 02/04/2021 11:33

@MimiPigeon

is he normally like this? He’s had another screaming fit this morning because I haven’t been shopping and bought the food he wants for Easter. He wanted to cook a roast and bake a cake on Sunday but I didn’t know what ingredients he wanted so I didn’t buy any when I went to Asda yesterday. I thought it was more sensible for him to choose a recipe and pop down to the supermarket himself today or tomorrow. He’s yelling that I’m selfish and lazy and I’ve ruined Easter. Even though he was sitting peacefully in a hotel on Wed night and I asked him to send me a list of ingredients he wanted me to buy on Thurs but he didn’t.
Christ, he sounds like a complete arsehole
Dindundundundeeer · 02/04/2021 11:33

@thebillyotea well surely you can quantify why you think you’re at risk from this? OP’s DH was screaming in outrage which is damaging to their DC (I’m sure we can find clinical data to support that).

You state it’s ‘grim’, but don’t say why. It’s mainly social conditioning and not a real threat to health. Unlike screaming at the OP

notapizzaeater · 02/04/2021 11:36

He's a twat ! Obv this is all woman's work

CorianderBee · 02/04/2021 11:42

@YoComoManzanas

Well not great to not change the bedding is it? His reaction was a bit aggressive but he was perhaps tired from work. Is he usually like this? It's rare for my dh to raise his voice to me. Apologies all round I think from him for shouting. From you for not being considerate, and you should head out to get spare bedding ASAP.
They don't have a spare clean duvet though? So she couldn't have changed it anyway...