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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to forget to change the duvet?

327 replies

MimiPigeon · 02/04/2021 08:35

Can someone please tell me who is BU here? I simply don’t know any more.

DH went away on Wed night for work. My DM (bubble) had a pizza and movies sleepover with me and DC. There are 2 bedrooms so DM slept in the double bed and I slept with DC so she wouldn’t be disturbed. The next day I did all the laundry and cleaned so the house would be nice for the bank holiday weekend. I forgot to change the bedding.

DH came home last night and took his suitcase upstairs. I was in the bathroom washing DC after a poo incident. Then we went upstairs to say hello.

DH didn’t even greet us or kiss us. Instead he started yelling because I hadn’t changed the duvet that my DM had slept on. He was screaming this is the same duvet that was on the bed when I left! Am I supposed to change the duvet at this time of night? We don’t have a clean one because the spare duvet got a hole and was thrown out, so that means I’ll have to strip the bed and sleep with no sheets!

I know I forgot to change the bedding but I just think his behaviour was unacceptable. I went in DCs room and locked the door and I’ve stayed in here all night.

OP posts:

tinglymint · 02/04/2021 12:11

@MimiPigeon

is he normally like this? He’s had another screaming fit this morning because I haven’t been shopping and bought the food he wants for Easter. He wanted to cook a roast and bake a cake on Sunday but I didn’t know what ingredients he wanted so I didn’t buy any when I went to Asda yesterday. I thought it was more sensible for him to choose a recipe and pop down to the supermarket himself today or tomorrow. He’s yelling that I’m selfish and lazy and I’ve ruined Easter. Even though he was sitting peacefully in a hotel on Wed night and I asked him to send me a list of ingredients he wanted me to buy on Thurs but he didn’t.

After reading this I'd just leave the miserable sod to it! Can you go to your mums for Easter? I'm sure the atmosphere will be a lot nicer.

lockdownalli · 02/04/2021 12:12

OP you do have a way out. You are married and so have certain protections.

I suggest when this weekend is over you see a family solicitor who can tell you what your options are. I suspect you have been "trained" to think he holds all the cards

icdtap · 02/04/2021 12:12

I actually can see where he's coming from
We all say/do things when we're tired and they come out wrong so I can see why he was annoyed

Right... ok...so how do you justify him screaming at the OP again this morning but this time about her not having bought ingredients for him to cook even though he didn't tell her what he needed?

CallmeHendricks · 02/04/2021 12:12

This thread has inspired me to change all the sheets in the house right now.

GladysTheGroovyMule · 02/04/2021 12:13

@MimiPigeon

Honestly if he is shouting at this why are you with him? I work for the family business that he owns, and we have DC. I don’t have a way out financially or otherwise. I don’t even know what is or isn’t abusive any more. Hence why I asked.

It’s rarely that straightforward when you’re in a relationship with someone who abuses you in this way. It becomes so normal you lose your perspective on normal and acceptable behaviour.

I hope at least some of us on this thread have helped you see that how he treats you is appalling and you can get the confidence and resources to leave him. You and your child deserve to be happy and feel safe and I don’t believe that’s possible when you live with this man.

PandorasMailbox · 02/04/2021 12:16

@MimiPigeon

Is it a bit grim she slept on a bed you'd possibly had sex in We’ve had sex on the sofa and everyone sits on that. We’ve also had sex on the dining table.

TMI

GladysTheGroovyMule · 02/04/2021 12:17

@Baxdream

I have to admit if my MIL slept in my bed, which is grim anyway, and I came home to the sheets being the same I'd be in a bad mood. I actually can see where he's coming from. We all say/do things when we're tired and they come out wrong so I can see why he was annoyed

Would you scream at your partner and scare them and your child so much that they felt the need to lock themselves and the child in a room to keep you away from them? Would you then scream and shout again in the morning because your partner hadn’t bought the stuff you want them to?

The mind boggles that anyone thinks this disgusting man has a point/can see where he’s coming from.

NoSquirrels · 02/04/2021 12:17

@MimiPigeon

Tell him to fuck off.

He sounds like an arsehole.

If he’s not usually an arsehole then I’d assume he’s stressed about something but he appears to think you’re a mind-reading maid of all work so it seems unlikely.

Hope the Easter Bunny shits in his slippers.

WaterBottle123 · 02/04/2021 12:20

@FiveShelties

So let's say your sofa is five years old, which might mean you've sat on it for say, 7000 hours without washing it, shedding skin cells, bacteria, tears, sweat etc. And a guest comes round and sits on it for two hours.

How can you possibly argue this is less germy than some sheets that have been slept in for one night??

thebillyotea · 02/04/2021 12:25

@CallmeHendricks

This thread has inspired me to change all the sheets in the house right now.

and boil wash the sofa covers

swiftt · 02/04/2021 12:35

A lot of the responses on this thread are disgusting.

YANBU. I could understand if you had said you didn’t feel the need to change the bedding, but you forgot. That’s not intentional. Even if it did put him in a bad mood, he should absolutely not be shouting at you and making you feel belittled for this. And it’s his bloody mum, not a stranger that’s slept in them for one night. I wouldn’t have a problem with this at all. Hope you’re okay.

sadie9 · 02/04/2021 12:42

Man oh man what a self absorbed prick. But instead of storming off and hiding away you need to stay and calmly address his bad attitude to you when he speaks to you like that.
Say 'you sound very angry. Your voice is really loud. You are shouting and I'm confused because I haven't done anything wrong'.
Instead of taking the attacks personally immediately turn it back to a further exploration of him and see what happens...
'so what you are saying is...you are very very worried about there being no lamb. You are really worried that we won't have a lamb dinner, have I got that right?'
Also, you can postpone the discussion.
Like with the sheets - repeat back slowly what he has said to you 'you sound really angry. Let's talk about this later when you have calmed down'. Then make sure you bring it up again and tell him how you feel when he speaks to you like that, using the tone of voice and the body language (the content of the row is less important than the context).
You storming off is you avoiding the situation. It won't really improve because you are not bringing to his attention the manner in which he is speaking to you.
You are getting caught up in the 'content' (lamb, shops, sheets) and not addressing the real issue - which is how he is speaking to you and talking to you as if you are a servant of his.
He was annoyed because your mother was at your house 'controlling' you when he was away. He likes to control you so gets annoyed when anyone gets as much as sniff of attention from you.
Every way you've said you've behaved sounds perfectly reasonable to me.
You didn't do anything wrong.

Splicedbananas · 02/04/2021 12:48

@Shinyletsbebadguys

God in heaven OP try to ignore the people who define themselves by their cleaning routine in the replies on here. Who clearly have so little to themselves that they need to feel superior over how often they change their bed covers (how utterly depressing that anyone thinks this is a mark of integrity....seriously get a hobby ...a real one ).

DP often comes home late after days away working and yes I usually wash and dry the bedding (because I know it helps relax him) but only if I have time. Once without thinking I apologised for not getting round to it and he looked at me incredulously and reminded me he was a grown adult who could do it himself if it mattered that much. Anything else would have had his boots on the doorstep.

People wittering on that he was tired....and she wasn't no? God alive if I ever get to the stage where I think clean bedsheets are more important that my relationship being respectful and decent I will bloody give up.

I echo a PP ...raise the bar people for what you want your life to be. I have sat beside many many end of life bedsides and I can guarantee you noone ever says "I am so glad I kept my house pristine ".

Most people in their later years wish they had spent more time playing with the children. More time having new experiences. Or like Helen Mirren (not that she is old or at the end of her life) telling more people to F^$k off.

OP I would draw a line in the sand for this ,not necessarily LTB but dammit would this be a change in entitlement in this house.

Brilliant post. Totally this.

dottiedaisee · 02/04/2021 12:53

Crikey in our house people sleep in other rooms regularly...it actually wouldn’t cross my mind to change the covers every time ! We are all clean and are not incontinent so I really cannot see what the problem is !

Dindundundundeeer · 02/04/2021 12:54

I am so glad I kept my house pristine

Yep on my tombstone

Great post @Shinyletsbebadguys .. although I should perhaps spend less time posting crap on the internet too

GuildfordGal · 02/04/2021 13:03

You mean people are "fixated" on OP's original question? OP has posted "AIBU to forget to change the duvet" so that is the question many people are answering

Isn't really bloody obvious that the original subject of the thread has developed into something more serious?

It's possibly dawning on the OP that her DH is a nasty, abusive man. The situations she is describing are upsetting and worrying. To keep mindlessly bleating about laundry seems to be a failure to read the room on a fairly epic level.

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 02/04/2021 13:04

@Baxdream

I don’t rant and shout and scream at my partner when I’m tired, no. And he doesn’t do it to me either. Thankfully.

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 02/04/2021 13:32

Well just for the record he is a cunt.

Rukaya · 02/04/2021 14:11

Can just imagine some of these people...child has a nightmare or is ill, asks Mum to sleep in with them.." no darling, one should never get into a bed someone else has slept in, its revolting! I couldn't possibly get into your bed with you, I think I might die. Night!"

nokidshere · 02/04/2021 14:20

I forgot. I was busy cleaning shit off his child and doing all his laundry that he’d dumped in the basket earlier in the week. It wouldn’t have killed him to sleep on it for one night. I just don’t think a duvet justifies screaming at your wife. He obviously thinks otherwise

The thing is that there are two scenarios to this.

Either he is always like that and you need to decide if you want to accept the way he is or he is always like this and you need to think about your happiness and walk away.

Only you can decide which one. You absolutely know that you are not being unreasonable in the situation you describe but it's either a one off or not. If it's a one off you need to sit and talk about how unacceptable his behaviour was.

Sunnyjac · 02/04/2021 14:20

What exactly is the point of him? He seems to scream and shout like a tantrumming toddler at the slightest thing. And you can’t win cos it’s either the wrong thing or no thing. Seriously what does he bring to your life?

RunningFromInsanity · 02/04/2021 14:27

I would never be washing the bedding again. That can be his job from now on.

BlackMarauder · 02/04/2021 15:07

I feel really bad that you and your children are trapped in an abusive marriage. Do you realize that your DC are witnessing every thing he screams at you? By staying you've normalized this behavior for them and they'll likely have relationships like yours when they grow. You've got to start making plans to get a job away from his family business.

ElderMillennial · 02/04/2021 15:17

@Rayuka I think it's one thing to share a bed or bedding with your own child / parent and another to share with other people

LondonWFuck · 02/04/2021 15:22

He was really out of order to shout and act like that.

He or you should buy an extra duvet cover.

I couldn't care less if someone I know has slept in a bed which I then sleep in (with same bedding).

It's "bedding", not "beddings".

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