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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to punish him.

322 replies

BonsaiiPochette · 01/04/2021 11:50

Hi,

I hope everyone here is doing well and in good health.

I will try and keep this as short as possible

DS(16) has cheated on his girlfriend (I don’t know to what extent)

I received a phone call from her mother yesterday, she asked me to keep my son away from her…. so I can only guess that is BAD

She also said that she knows it’s not my fault, she doesn’t blame me and she is very disappointed with my son.

I feel so embarrassed, we didn’t raise him to disrespect or mistreat girls, and she is such a LOVELY GIRL that is what makes the situation worst.

I tried speaking to my son this morning… he was very rude, he has NEVER ever spoken to me like this before.

When I asked him what happened, I was met with

“I don’t want to discuss this with you, it’s really none of your concern.. I don’t ask you about your relations”

There has also been a recent change in his behaviour…

How can I resolve and get to the bottom of this??

To be honest with you, I have never been a strict parent… so I don’t really know how to deal with these kind of situations!

Am I wrong for wanting to punish him?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
queenMab99 · 01/04/2021 16:48

He shouldn't be tied into a relationship at 16.
You don't know what other peoples relationships (including his) are like.
This is not the kind of thing you can 'punish', it won't help anyone, not him, not her or her mother.
You should keep out of it, but may be after a while have a conversation about emotionally hurting others, and how to avoid it.

rwalker · 01/04/2021 16:54

The poor lad hopefully he's blocked her

The lad had done nothing if anything she sounds potentially abusive wasn't everyone quick to throw him under the bus .

Morgoth · 01/04/2021 16:59

You can’t punish your son for cheating on his girlfriend but you are allowed to be disappointed/angry/heartbroken with him and you don’t have to cover up what you think of his actions.

He will deal with the consequences of his actions throughout his life. Maybe he will finally realise he lost a lovely girl (although to be fair I don’t think many cheaters actually receive their comeuppance or tend to have any remorse or regret of the pain they caused) but I digress. My point is that he needs to figure this out for himself and navigate through his relationship decisions by himself.

Morgoth · 01/04/2021 17:00

Sorry OP, just read the updates. Ignore above!

Rachie1973 · 01/04/2021 17:01

@BonsaiiPochette

They've been together for 5 months...

Sorry, maybe I shouldn't have posted this.

I feel over dramatic!

You are over dramatic.

He was right. It’s none of your business

Alsohuman · 01/04/2021 17:04

@HomeSliceKnowsBest

Do Mummies really get involved in their teenager's relationships these days?Confused
So it seems. Weird, isn’t it?
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 01/04/2021 17:05

@BonsaiiPochette

Hi I'm back.

Right I feel so stupid....

He has apologised for being rude, he said that he was rude because I automatically took sides, and I'm suppose to be his mum.

He said that he hasn't cheated on her, he never would and he is not "friendly" with any other girls, and he doesn't plan to be.

He has said over the recent pass two weeks, she has been becoming very clingy i.e always wants to talk on the phone/FaceTime, go for walks etc. He explained he doesn't mind doing those things, but it is as if she is trying to take him away from his friends, and he doesn't want to lose them over her.

On Monday he and his friend went for a day out, they wanted to go on the cable carts, she was annoyed that he didn't invite her. He told me he didn't invite her because he wanted to spend time with his friends and she is afraid of heights.

She has been being nasty to him ever since, sending horrible text messages, deleting pictures of the pair of them on Instagram etc.

I mentioned his change of behaviour, he said because he has been stressed out, he is tired of trying to please her "she behaves like a spoilt child, you don't know the REAL her".

He said that he no longer wants to see her, because she has been having a bad effect on his mental health and that he just wants to spend time with his friends, and at home with me and his younger brother.

I feel so stupid.... where do I go from here??

To be honest, I think he's just as likely lying to you about all of that. Especially with the 'You're supposed to be my Mum' stuff and 'I would never cheat on somebody, ever'. And the messages/deleting is normal when somebody has been dumped/cheated on/hurt if they happened

Staying impartial though, is still a far better position to take until it comes to him possibly behaving in an obviously unacceptable way towards other girls/women, such as hassling them to take him back/being coercive/manipulative or worse. He should know that whilst yes, you are his Mum, that doesn't mean you won't tell him if his behaviour is unacceptable, rather than be guaranteed to lie to his wife where he is or who he is seeing on the quiet and never, ever believe he could ever do x horrible thing (as per many posts on here).

LaceyBetty · 01/04/2021 17:11

Staying impartial though, is still a far better position to take until it comes to him possibly behaving in an obviously unacceptable way towards other girls/women, such as hassling them to take him back/being coercive/manipulative or worse.

I do agree with this, but the boy was accused of cheating on a girl he'd been seeing for 5 months. Not the same in my opinion.

user7891011 · 01/04/2021 17:13

It's none of your business leave him alone

PurpleRainDancer · 01/04/2021 17:16

‘Punish him’ seriously OP? Absolutely none of your business, give your head a wobble Hmm

LucieStar · 01/04/2021 17:25

@SeaShoreGalore

he said he doesn't want to, because she regularly claims to be suicidal

I would say that this is exactly why he should block her. She needs help from parents and adults, with absolutely NO responsibility on your teenage son.

Agreed. She needs professional/ parental help. Your son shouldn't be trying to deal with this at his age.

MmeLaraque · 01/04/2021 17:27

How have they been on cable carts (cable cars)/meeting up for group activities during lockdown? Are you not in the UK?

Apologies if this has been addressed elsewhere.

manymanymany · 01/04/2021 17:27

I don't think it's an occasion for 'punishment', but it could be an opportunity to check in with him and have a chat. I'd make it clear it's not about punishing, but just a chat. The other mum intervening and telling you sounds out of line but she's obviously feeling hurt on behalf of her daughter. For everyone saying stay out of it, it reminds me of this that everyone thought was brilliant. -

manymanymany · 01/04/2021 17:29

Sorry, just read your follow-up. That's great he can talk to you about the situation. I'd go easy on both of them tbh, they're just finding their feet relationship-wise and it sounds as if he needs to talk to her about boundaries. If she can't accept that he doesn't want to spend all his spare time with her, maybe it's not going to work out.

Iflyaway · 01/04/2021 17:30

I want to punish him for what he did to her, he needs to know that it's NOT acceptable.

Please DON"T!

You will lose him for ever....

Just open the lines of communication - and respect at that age life is complicated, between childhood and adulthood.

Definately teach him to respect women!

The use of porn is to blame I believe.....

LucieStar · 01/04/2021 17:32

The use of porn is to blame I believe.....

Wtf? How does porn get pulled into everything these days? Apart from which, perhaps you should RTFT.

Butwasitherdriveway · 01/04/2021 17:34

@LaceyBetty

I couldn't even begin to imagine my mum trying to have disciplined me for something like this or discipling my own kids (they are a bit younger though).

I actually can't believe the mums are involved at all!

I would really stay WELL out of it.

I can see why hers is
Dobbyisahouseelf · 01/04/2021 17:36

@billy1966 advice is excellent, as always.

If the other Mum calls do not get into a conversation, shut it down and just state there she needs to concentrate on her own daughter.

Teenage relationships can be tricky and I hope I keep calm if my DD gets upset over a boy, but realistically it will happen.

LaceyBetty · 01/04/2021 17:39

@Butwasitherdriveway Who? The girl's mum? Why?

Butwasitherdriveway · 01/04/2021 17:40

[quote LaceyBetty]@Butwasitherdriveway Who? The girl's mum? Why?[/quote]
She literally just asked her to keep him away and that she isn't blaming the mother. What is the problem with that?

LaceyBetty · 01/04/2021 17:44

@Butwasitherdriveway good grief. I had my "heart broken" hundreds of times as a teenager navigating relationships. Cheating often meant a boy speaking to someone else on the phone. I once cried for a week because my boyfriend of three months told me he like my friend more than me. No way in a million years would my mum have called the boy's mum. Ridiculous overreaction. It's not like the girl's mum said he was abusing her or harassing her, just that he cheated (whatever that means in this case).

gottakeeponmovin · 01/04/2021 17:45

It's got nothing to do with you. 16 year olds break up, cheat do whatever all the time. I would be mortified if my parents had got involved in my 16 year old love life and as the mother of a 16 year old girl I would never phone the parent unless it was something like physical violence. They are kids

Butwasitherdriveway · 01/04/2021 17:46

[quote LaceyBetty]@Butwasitherdriveway good grief. I had my "heart broken" hundreds of times as a teenager navigating relationships. Cheating often meant a boy speaking to someone else on the phone. I once cried for a week because my boyfriend of three months told me he like my friend more than me. No way in a million years would my mum have called the boy's mum. Ridiculous overreaction. It's not like the girl's mum said he was abusing her or harassing her, just that he cheated (whatever that means in this case).[/quote]
I am inclined to believe the mum had reason to, and it doesn't sound as if OP has a problem with the call.

1FootInTheRave · 01/04/2021 17:47

Oh jees.

Please don't get involved.

LaceyBetty · 01/04/2021 17:49

Well, if she had reason to, she should have said what the reason was other than "cheating". I'd honestly laugh in the face of a mum calling me to tell me my son cheated on her daughter at age 16 when they have been together for 5 months. Would need to be a whole lot more than that to make me feel I needed to punish my son as the OP's first instinct was in this case.

I wouldn't tolerate any kind of abuse, harassment, etc. but wouldn't dream of getting involved in cheating.

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