To want to punish him.

[BonsaiiPochette]

Hi,

I hope everyone here is doing well and in good health.

I will try and keep this as short as possible

DS(16) has cheated on his girlfriend (I don’t know to what extent)

I received a phone call from her mother yesterday, she asked me to keep my son away from her…. so I can only guess that is BAD

She also said that she knows it’s not my fault, she doesn’t blame me and she is very disappointed with my son.

I feel so embarrassed, we didn’t raise him to disrespect or mistreat girls, and she is such a LOVELY GIRL that is what makes the situation worst.

I tried speaking to my son this morning… he was very rude, he has NEVER ever spoken to me like this before.

When I asked him what happened, I was met with

“I don’t want to discuss this with you, it’s really none of your concern.. I don’t ask you about your relations”

There has also been a recent change in his behaviour…

How can I resolve and get to the bottom of this??

To be honest with you, I have never been a strict parent… so I don’t really know how to deal with these kind of situations!

Am I wrong for wanting to punish him?

Thanks in advance

Seems quite straightforward to me. I'd be telling him that I was disappointed he did this and could he learn lessons for the future maybe about how we treat women, and indeed, people in general.

I'd reiterate it wasn't my business but it had been made your business by receiving a call from her mother so you merely want to express to him that it's not how we treat others.

And then that's it. No further action needed really. It cannot be compared to cheating in a marriage or adult relationship at all.

How can you punish him? You do not know what happened.

None of your business anyway.

I think her mum was over dramatic ringing you, I think this isn’t something I’d get involved with

@Macncheeseballs

In this current climate it wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to him about how he treats women, I wish more mothers did

^^ this. A lot.

Honestly, I'm glad you're thinking of it. The way he's acting disrespectful towards you and his ex-gf sets a patterns of behaviour that will just get worse and turn him into a gross twat.

It would be good for him to have a conversation with his mother about the emotional ramifications for other people when he chooses to use people for his own sexual gratification. Shit gets messy.

All the people saying don't get involved - it's your job as a parent to teach him morals. This ain't it. Do we all just stop trying when they hit 16? That explains a lot about the culture we find ourselves in today.

They're teenagers who have been together for 5 months, that's a whole lifetime at that age. You don't treat people like that and he needs to learn it before he turns into another entitled man.

That girl's mother had every right to call you and let you know about his behaviour.

The worst part is the attitude problem when you spoke to him.

'I don't ask you again your relationship." The nerve.
Oh I'm sorry did you suddenly get a 40hr a week job and start paying council tax? No, you're a child that been playing at being a grown up and clearly hasn't got the maturity to handle sexual relationships. Other people's feelings are part of that.

Good on you, OP for seeing this as your problem.

Macncheeseballs

In this current climate it wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to him about how he treats women, I wish more mothers did

^^ this. A lot.

This a million times over. I'm can't believe the people saying he's 16, none of your business, leave him to it.
Obviously you can't punish him. But he needs to know in no uncertain terms that this is not an OK way to treat a woman (or man). It doesn't matter if they have been going out for 6wks or they have been married for 20yrs. It's just in no way acceptable. If you are taking the view that he is 16 and still learning, then he needs to be taught that he has hurt someone. But quite frankly at 16 they should know this is not OK. My daughter is 15 and would be heartbroken.

When I was jn yr12, I met a lad 4 years older than me. We went out for 2 years. I wish I'd played the field more, but as a pp said, you kind of make your choice and stick. Then I convinced myself I loved him, so I could have sex with him after 6 weeks (thanks, J17 for 'make sure you love them for your first time'), so I kind of felt I should be with him. And I was scared I'd never find another boyfriend, cos it had taken long enough as it was!

Anyway. I finished it at 18/22 cos I was off to uni.

His mum stood in the street shouting how I'd stolen two years of his life as I walked home after The Breakup. She was his baby, but bloody hell!

Good job she didn't know I'd also cheated on him, she'd have probably chased me all the way home!

Mumsnet is full of threads where posters say they are low contact or no contact with their mothers because of over-invested, interfering behaviour. I'm sure you don't want to end up being that mother with that son, OP. Take all wise the advice you've been given on this thread, and just stay out of your teenage children's romantic relationships!

@SusannaMorvern

Macncheeseballs

In this current climate it wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to him about how he treats women, I wish more mothers did

^^ this. A lot.

This a million times over. I'm can't believe the people saying he's 16, none of your business, leave him to it.
Obviously you can't punish him. But he needs to know in no uncertain terms that this is not an OK way to treat a woman (or man). It doesn't matter if they have been going out for 6wks or they have been married for 20yrs. It's just in no way acceptable. If you are taking the view that he is 16 and still learning, then he needs to be taught that he has hurt someone. But quite frankly at 16 they should know this is not OK. My daughter is 15 and would be heartbroken.

Oh give over! It was a 5 month relationship at age 16. Get a grip. I've taught my 10 year old to be nice to people, but would certainly not care AT ALL if he'd supposedly "cheated" on someone at age 16. I despair. I'd hope he didn't get himself into some kind of exclusive commitment at that age actually. I spend my whole teenage life heartbroken because some boy didn't like me for one reason or another.

It was wrong of his mother to bring it to your attention, it’s not her business or yours! I’d stay out of it.

I don’t think YABU to want to punish him. I do think it would be unreasonable if you actually did punish him.

However, I don’t think it is in anyway unreasonable to tell him your feelings about disrespecting women, if you are sure that is what he has done. PPs have said a relationship at 16 is nothing like a husband cheating on a wife and I agree there is a difference. But I know of more than one example of a husband cheating on a wife and the husband has experienced no negative social consequences or societal pressure to do the right thing or feel bad about his actions. I have seen friends and family members simply shrug off this type of terrible behaviour and that is wrong. It would do your son good to realise now, while he is still in many ways a child, that cheating on someone is wrong and cruel and if he wants to sleep around, then he should have the good grace to look his partner in the eye and end it first.

Sad to see how many posters are saying cheating at 16 is no big deal. How do you think women learn this is how they will be treated in a relationship? You see it so often on here, women married with kids, saying they have always had rubbish boyfriends? How do you think men learn it’s OK to treat women like this? They don’t wait until they’re 25 to turn into cheaters, that’s for sure.

I’m glad for the poor girl that she has a strong mum who will stick up and protect her daughter. Hopefully she is teaching her never to put up with this sort of shit.

but would certainly not care AT ALL if he'd supposedly "cheated" on someone at age 16. I despair. I'd hope he didn't get himself into some kind of exclusive commitment at that age actually.

Nobody is saying he has to spend the rest of his life with the first girl he kisses. But for goodness sake have some respect and end things with one girl, before you start something with another. It's a pretty basic thing to teach a young adult to consider other people's feelings.

I'd just reassure your son that you're here to talk to if he needs it or if she starts making comments about suicide or hurting herself to him.

That's a lot for a 16 year old to take on and deal with. Even if she's attention seeking, he wouldn't necessarily know any different.

And if she was making those threats, then yes, I would talk to her mother at that stage because it shouldn't be your son's burden and her parents could arrange the help she might need.

@GinWithOlivesIn

Sad to see how many posters are saying cheating at 16 is no big deal. How do you think women learn this is how they will be treated in a relationship? You see it so often on here, women married with kids, saying they have always had rubbish boyfriends? How do you think men learn it’s OK to treat women like this? They don’t wait until they’re 25 to turn into cheaters, that’s for sure.

I’m glad for the poor girl that she has a strong mum who will stick up and protect her daughter. Hopefully she is teaching her never to put up with this sort of shit.

Don’t think the majority of posters are saying that cheating is no big deal. However I do believe that posters are suggesting that at 16 you are entitled to form relationships without parental input.

I hope everyone here is doing well and in good health

🙄🙄

You and the other mum need to back off. Also, lose the capitals. Anyone with basic reading skills can see where the emphasis is placed. You don't need to add it

her mum shouldn't have phoned you. It isn't really your concern. You can think he is a bit of a shit but it isn't your business. You can disapprove but getting involved will not end well.

@BonsaiiPochette

You need to tell your DS that although you respect his desire to be of 'help' to her, if she threatens suicide he needs to immediately report that to an appropriate adult, be it her mother or the school authorities. That it is not his 'job' to try to 'talk her down'. He needs to understand that this is the right and the caring thing to do since he is not a 'trained professional' and she is NOT his responsibility.

You are way too involved in your son's private life!!
Back off for goodness sake before you ruin your relationship with him.
Yabvu

He's 16 for goodness sake.

As parents we should have been encouraging him to be kind and respectful of girls as a given.

Otherwise back off.

Awful to be mauling his private life and embarrassing him.

Smothering him will achieve nothing.

Encouraging him to treat his love interests as he would like to be treated, and remind him that people's hearts are fragile.

Repeating this is all we can do, and hope that some of it lands.
Trampling on their privacy doesn't work IMO.

Lots of generic conversations are good.

I am absolutely astounded by some of the laid back responses. I agree in the main that this is part of growing up and does not need a post mortem, unless of course he has done some of the things we keep hearing about on the news recently and the porn issue.

I am more concerned with his rudeness toward you and unless you responded immediately and decisively you have now opened the door to further rudeness if he thinks he got away with it. You admit to not being a disciplinarian and that is where so many parents go wrong these days, allowing 14+ to act like adults while still emotionally immature and wanting 'mummy and daddy' to make things better when they get in trouble.
The moment any child of mine spoke to me rudely my reply would be along the lines of........Really, who do you think you are? I don't speak to you like that so don't dare to speak to me in that way, I will not stand for it. They will think twice before doing it again.
Like you I would be worried and would want to know if he had crossed any boundaries.....and to be honest, the fact he didn't just reply that it was no big deal and that he fancied someone else, makes me feel that maybe he did.

I'd be talking to him about cheating/sleeping around during Covid as he should be social distancing and not risking bringing coronavirus into the house!

STICKTOMYGUN

I wrote my comment prior to reading your post, so glad someone else realises teens are not adults and it is too young to withdraw parental rules, discipline and guidance.
You are right and this is why so many unruly teens rule out streets!

Wow! No one on this final page has RTFT.

He didn't cheat.

She's a bunny boiler.

As you were.

Hi.

From last night until midday today, she has been bombarding him with calls and texts...

I called her mother, there was a bit of conflict, I told her that she needs to keep her daughter away from my son and seek help for her mental health.

She has been on snapchat uploading worrying snaps, my son said he wants to go by her house and talk to her.

I will not allow him to go there.