Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to punish him.

322 replies

BonsaiiPochette · 01/04/2021 11:50

Hi,

I hope everyone here is doing well and in good health.

I will try and keep this as short as possible

DS(16) has cheated on his girlfriend (I don’t know to what extent)

I received a phone call from her mother yesterday, she asked me to keep my son away from her…. so I can only guess that is BAD

She also said that she knows it’s not my fault, she doesn’t blame me and she is very disappointed with my son.

I feel so embarrassed, we didn’t raise him to disrespect or mistreat girls, and she is such a LOVELY GIRL that is what makes the situation worst.

I tried speaking to my son this morning… he was very rude, he has NEVER ever spoken to me like this before.

When I asked him what happened, I was met with

“I don’t want to discuss this with you, it’s really none of your concern.. I don’t ask you about your relations”

There has also been a recent change in his behaviour…

How can I resolve and get to the bottom of this??

To be honest with you, I have never been a strict parent… so I don’t really know how to deal with these kind of situations!

Am I wrong for wanting to punish him?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Original poster
BonsaiiPochette · 01/04/2021 16:06

Sorry for the late reply...

We drove the collect my youngest son from school, I apologised to him again, he said that it's fine and he forgives me and that her mum would believe ANYTHING she says because she can be very convincing, he is glad that it is now over and is keen to get on with his life and be happy.

He showed me a message that she had sent to him on Instagram, she said that she is sorry and has told her mum that it was a "big misunderstanding" I told him to block and delete her, he said he doesn't want to, because she regularly claims to be suicidal. So I have just left it as it is.

I wish I could take both boys on a little break, DS(7) is now off school for three weeks, but we are still on lockdown and we can't even anywhere for a nice day out.

I do know the girls mother, they both attended the same prep-school, but we were never close....

OP posts:
slashlover · 01/04/2021 16:07

@Pyewackect

Yes, I would give him a lecture on how it is never acceptable to cheat on anybody , no matter how old or stupid they are - and I would definately tell him to leave the poor girl alone or else.

I bring my kids up do have some honesty and integrity about them. Being a dick-head isn't part of that. And if he wants to play the raw prawn then he can go toe-to-toe with his father. My husband is 6' 4 and built like a brick shit house so God help him on that one.

a) He didn't cheat. RTFT. b) That sounds a bit like you'd be fine with your DH being physical with your child.
CatsHairEverywhere2 · 01/04/2021 16:08

YABU. He’s a cheat and a liar, but you’ve absolutely no business inserting yourself into that situation. He’s already lost his girlfriend and learned he’s an arsehole and will be treated as one by people around him. Punishment enough at that age

CatsHairEverywhere2 · 01/04/2021 16:08

Ignore my comment, I clearly still haven’t learned my lesson on RTFT

slashlover · 01/04/2021 16:09

@CatsHairEverywhere2 RTFT. He didn't cheat. He didn't lie.

LaceyBetty · 01/04/2021 16:09

@Pyewackect

Yes, I would give him a lecture on how it is never acceptable to cheat on anybody , no matter how old or stupid they are - and I would definately tell him to leave the poor girl alone or else.

I bring my kids up do have some honesty and integrity about them. Being a dick-head isn't part of that. And if he wants to play the raw prawn then he can go toe-to-toe with his father. My husband is 6' 4 and built like a brick shit house so God help him on that one.

Just wow. This made uncomfortable reading. Especially since you haven't read the full thread.
CatsHairEverywhere2 · 01/04/2021 16:12

@slashlover if you’d RTFT you’d have noticed my second comment right beneath my original one, made seconds after it, that I’d not RTFT and to ignore me.

HazelBite · 01/04/2021 16:13

OP with the best will in the world let him alone.
I have 4 sons all adults, and believe me it really is the best course to never ask questions, never get involved, and only offer comment/advice when it is asked for, and then be prepared to get your head bitten off!

Flowers24 · 01/04/2021 16:14

I would not get involved, i had a similar situation where at 17 my son suddenly dumped his lovely gf of a year , her mum messaged me saying her daughter was distraught and so upset she couldnt go to school. I did ask my son but he did not want to talk about it so i had to leave it and stay out of it. Thats all you can do im afraid, if he wants to talk he will come to you x

HappyThursdays · 01/04/2021 16:15

i would sit him down and explain to him how you will always in the future ask for his side of the story first.

having had 2 teens myself, I must admit, my first reaction on reading your OP was 'have you asked your son for his side of the story' because girls and boys at this age have a tendency for the over dramatic - and you can find teenagers lie (like the girl did with her mum) to make things easier on themselves (and for a whole load of other reasons).

it's really important that he knows you have his back so I'd be working on this now as it doesn't get any easier over the next few years!

slashlover · 01/04/2021 16:15

@slashlover if you’d RTFT you’d have noticed my second comment right beneath my original one, made seconds after it, that I’d not RTFT and to ignore me.

That's not not RTFT, that's crossposting. Your second post was made while I was replying.

LaceyBetty · 01/04/2021 16:19

Even if he had "cheated" on her, I really don't think this is a issue specific to him being a son. I 100% know we need to treat our son's to treat women with respect, but I honestly believe that cheating is not one of those issues (like domestic violence, like sexual assault) that is more likely to be perpetrated by teenage boys than teenage girls. At least not in my experience. I also am not sure that "cheating" is the right terminology in these cases. To me, a 16 year old would be best not getting into any serious committed relationship. As per this situation, the boy in this case got in over his head and his mental health was starting to suffer.

saraclara · 01/04/2021 16:19

@BonsaiiPochette

They've been together for 5 months...

Sorry, maybe I shouldn't have posted this.

I feel over dramatic!

That's because you are.

It's absolutely ridiculous that her mother called you and expected you to 'fix him'. And no wonder he reacted as he did. Can you imagine how it felt to be presented with vindictive and angry mothers over this?

They're 16 for goodness's sake. You don't punish him. Let things settle down and then have a calm talk about finishing with one person before you have a relationship with another. Tell him (without any detail or saying which relationship) why you reacted as you did, and how much it hurts to be cheated on.

But goodness me, mothers absolutely shouldn't be involving themselves in his sort of thing in the way you and the other mother seem to think your should.

thatwasme22 · 01/04/2021 16:21

''I feel so embarrassed, we didn’t raise him to disrespect or mistreat girls, and she is such a LOVELY GIRL that is what makes the situation worst.''

Well disrespect anybody. OP stay out of it as it is not your concern but do not tolerate him being rude to you.

saraclara · 01/04/2021 16:21

Oh damn, sorry. Missed a bunch of pages.

I'm glad things are resolving.

JustSleepAlready · 01/04/2021 16:34

Sounds like normal stroppy teenager to me. I’m surprised it took as long! He doesn’t really have to talk to you about it but if you leave it a bit, he might open up to you. My son has been in similar, he eventually opened up to me. It can be an absolute bloody nightmare dealing with stroppy teen who knows it all and has an answer for ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING ( but I guess that’s the price you pay for teaching your kids about personal issues, privacy and standing up for themselves!) but there are glimmers of my son in there somewhere. Sure it will be fine. Not sure what he did to ‘punish’ him for though?

4pence · 01/04/2021 16:37

What's 'cheating' on a girlfirend ? He might have seen it as a casual relationship ? She not ?

HomeSliceKnowsBest · 01/04/2021 16:39

Do Mummies really get involved in their teenager's relationships these days?Confused

SeaShoreGalore · 01/04/2021 16:40

he said he doesn't want to, because she regularly claims to be suicidal

I would say that this is exactly why he should block her. She needs help from parents and adults, with absolutely NO responsibility on your teenage son.

Haffiana · 01/04/2021 16:42

@BonsaiiPochette

Yes this is real...

When I say "where do I go from here".... I mean, do I contact her mother??

I do not understand why she has told her that my son has cheated.

Or should we just forget about the recent events?

'Yes this is real'? Good grief. If you say so it must be true, eh?

I wouldn't believe you are an actual adult, let alone a mother either, except that a couple of other posters appear to agree with you. It must be a thing, I suppose.

A future MIL in the making, I guess. Poor son.

FireflyRainbow · 01/04/2021 16:42

Op you can't punish him for cheating on his gf 🙈 we all know cheating wrong, he knows it's wrong but he's done it now and tbh he will likely do it again. It's sad for the gf but hey ho. Don't be dramatic he's not 5.

FireflyRainbow · 01/04/2021 16:43

Normal teen behaviour op.

LaceyBetty · 01/04/2021 16:44

@HomeSliceKnowsBest

Do Mummies really get involved in their teenager's relationships these days?Confused
I agree! So bizarre. But, in this case, it did lead to the OP's son opening up to her that he is struggling with a relationship (that sounds very bad for him) and perhaps she can offer some guidance as a more experienced adult if he wants it.
mam0918 · 01/04/2021 16:45

I think its wierd you or the other mother is involved or think its you place at all.

This is the reason I never told my mother about any of my relationships, because as a young teen she tried to constantly instate herself in my relationships or punish me for shit she deemed inappropriate and she never even had the full story so usually was 'punishing' for something she randomly assumed (she was conviced if I so much as said hello to a friends dad that I was going to be groomed etc... and thats without he said she said rumers from teens) hell I didnt tell her I was in a relationship with my now DH until I was 6 months pregnant.

Parents that are over involved in what their children do romatically or sexually are creepy as fuck.

If you punish him for something when you dont even know what happened because someone else told you a rumor you'll distroy trust and your kid will resent you for it and never tell you anything.

FireflyRainbow · 01/04/2021 16:47

Oh gosh just read the updates, sorry. He should definately block her. Tell her mum she is suicidal so she can get her help and block her out of his life.