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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to punish him.

322 replies

BonsaiiPochette · 01/04/2021 11:50

Hi,

I hope everyone here is doing well and in good health.

I will try and keep this as short as possible

DS(16) has cheated on his girlfriend (I don’t know to what extent)

I received a phone call from her mother yesterday, she asked me to keep my son away from her…. so I can only guess that is BAD

She also said that she knows it’s not my fault, she doesn’t blame me and she is very disappointed with my son.

I feel so embarrassed, we didn’t raise him to disrespect or mistreat girls, and she is such a LOVELY GIRL that is what makes the situation worst.

I tried speaking to my son this morning… he was very rude, he has NEVER ever spoken to me like this before.

When I asked him what happened, I was met with

“I don’t want to discuss this with you, it’s really none of your concern.. I don’t ask you about your relations”

There has also been a recent change in his behaviour…

How can I resolve and get to the bottom of this??

To be honest with you, I have never been a strict parent… so I don’t really know how to deal with these kind of situations!

Am I wrong for wanting to punish him?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Butwasitherdriveway · 01/04/2021 17:50

@LaceyBetty

Well, if she had reason to, she should have said what the reason was other than "cheating". I'd honestly laugh in the face of a mum calling me to tell me my son cheated on her daughter at age 16 when they have been together for 5 months. Would need to be a whole lot more than that to make me feel I needed to punish my son as the OP's first instinct was in this case.

I wouldn't tolerate any kind of abuse, harassment, etc. but wouldn't dream of getting involved in cheating.

Which suggests OP felt she needed to punish him.

Maybe they are friends.

Original poster
BonsaiiPochette · 01/04/2021 17:50

@FireflyRainbow

Oh gosh just read the updates, sorry. He should definately block her. Tell her mum she is suicidal so she can get her help and block her out of his life.
Hey,

I would rather not contact the mother, I am just going to try and forget about it.

She could just be saying she is suicidal for attention....

OP posts:
LaceyBetty · 01/04/2021 17:50

All she said was cheating.

LaceyBetty · 01/04/2021 17:51

that was to @Butwasitherdriveway.

Butwasitherdriveway · 01/04/2021 17:52

Ife just read the updates.

OP, tell the mother fgs.

Original poster
BonsaiiPochette · 01/04/2021 17:53

@MmeLaraque

How have they been on cable carts (cable cars)/meeting up for group activities during lockdown? Are you not in the UK?

Apologies if this has been addressed elsewhere.

We are in London, and yes I know he shouldn't have been mixing with friends.
OP posts:
Original poster
BonsaiiPochette · 01/04/2021 18:15

@Butwasitherdriveway

Ife just read the updates.

OP, tell the mother fgs.

I do not feel as if it is my place to tell her mother....

Her daughter has already told lies on my son, I do not want any kind of conflict with her.

OP posts:
Butwasitherdriveway · 01/04/2021 18:24

You don't know they're lies.

There's three sides to every story.

You believed it enough in the beginning to want to punish him

Just tell her she has said worrying things to your son and you wanted to let her know. That's all you need to say.

LucieStar · 01/04/2021 18:29

You don't know they're lies.

OP's son has shown her messages from the girl where she has apologised for the "big misunderstanding". I'd say that's pretty conclusive.

Daphnise · 01/04/2021 18:36

No one has said that it is good that you care- and this is so.
But you can't over-involve yourself, so take a few steps back, and don't try to make him discuss these matters unless he comes to you- which he well might if something serious happens- such as pregnancy!

TaraR2020 · 01/04/2021 18:48

Actually, I think I did.

Butwasitherdriveway · 01/04/2021 18:48

@LucieStar

You don't know they're lies.

OP's son has shown her messages from the girl where she has apologised for the "big misunderstanding". I'd say that's pretty conclusive.

Girls will say many things to keep a boy.

I'm not defending anyone. But I think the whole thing is a bit vague.

LaceyBetty · 01/04/2021 18:56

@Butwasitherdriveway but the only allegation all along from everyone (including the girl's mother) has been cheating. So what are you getting at? I think the OP had a knee jerk reaction due to the fact that she was cheated on.

TillyTopper · 01/04/2021 18:57

I'd keep well out of that - I don't think it's your business. She's dumped him, it punishment enough. I don't think you should have pushed for info or discussed with the GFs parents either. It's not great he was rude to you, but it's an understandable reaction to you prying.

Butwasitherdriveway · 01/04/2021 19:02

[quote LaceyBetty]@Butwasitherdriveway but the only allegation all along from everyone (including the girl's mother) has been cheating. So what are you getting at? I think the OP had a knee jerk reaction due to the fact that she was cheated on. [/quote]
I'm getting at the fact that given OP has already gone from vehemently believing the girl to not, she should maybe not be hasty on the suicide thing.

Butwasitherdriveway · 01/04/2021 19:03

@TillyTopper

I'd keep well out of that - I don't think it's your business. She's dumped him, it punishment enough. I don't think you should have pushed for info or discussed with the GFs parents either. It's not great he was rude to you, but it's an understandable reaction to you prying.
She wasn't prying. She was sent a message. In the real world, who would receive this and say nothing?
Member984815 · 01/04/2021 19:04

It's really none of your business and it's none of her mother's business either . Your responsibility is to take care of your son that's all

HermitsLife · 01/04/2021 19:29

@Member984815

It's really none of your business and it's none of her mother's business either . Your responsibility is to take care of your son that's all
This

Really OP, the best advice I ever had was don't get invested in your kid's love life. There will be plenty of girls before he meets The One.

Be open, let him know you're always there for him and make sure he's being responsible about sex etc, but really this is a part of his life that doesn't involve you.

SecretSpAD · 01/04/2021 19:32

it's any consolation, my experience growing up in an extremely large family was that boys do this, initially, a couple of times. Then, they meet a girl they totally fall for. Then the girl dumps them. Cue having to console a sobbing heartbroken 16 year old boy. Then they learn to be a bit more considerate

My son cheated on a couple of very lovely girls when he was 16\17. They both dumped his arse - much to his surprise because hes was gods gift doncha know 😆🙄. Then he met his last girlfriend last summer - just as he was turning 18. He fell hard and fast. Wanted to move in with her, wanted to marry her, planned their whole lives together. She cheated on him and went off with the other man. He was devastated and, eventually, has come out of his mire of self pity with a new understanding of what his first two girlfriends went through. He has tried to contact them to apologise, but, quite rightly, they aren't in the forgiving mood.

He's now single and miserable.

SecretSpAD · 01/04/2021 19:39

Oh, we just stayed out of it btw and made appropriate noises without judging him. We hoped it would be a learning experience somehow and if not, then we would figure out what we would do then. He's young, he will fuck up. Your job is to catch him when he falls and provide a safe space for him to grow (Paola for sounding like an internet therapist!)

Laeta · 01/04/2021 19:41

I had a similar situation, the mother came out of the house and grabbed me for a "conversation" when I dropped my son off at the gf.

I told her clearly that I don't get involved with my son's relationships. What happens is between them. She obviously only knew her daughter's side of the story and I knew my son's side. I didn't enlighten her. Weirdo!!

Anyway, You've done the right thing, you've apologised to your son and in future will stay out of the the teenage dramas.

It sounds like you and your son have a great relationship, and will only get stronger. Parenting teens is more difficult than toddlers!

SecretSpAD · 01/04/2021 20:08

Oh op, do nothing. They are works in progress at that age and, to be honest, as parents of teenagers so are we. I know that as mine were adopted as teens/pre teens I didn't have those years of being in control of their lives and knowing everything - but you have had that and it's a difficult transition for you as well. All you can do is acknowledge that sometimes you will both fuck up and remember that the aim is to have a wonderful relationship with them as they grow up.

You also need to remember that you are not your sons only influence and teacher....at that age he is learning about the world, other influences and has friends to learn from, teachers, sports coaches, whoever. I was stunned to discover that my sons greatest influence around how to treat women was actually his younger sister and his best friends girlfriend who he is (platonically) close to.

Theunamedcat · 01/04/2021 20:13

@BonsaiiPochette

I would suggest he blocks her if she says she is suicidal again take a picture of the message and send it to the mum its the right thing to do really as she might be serious

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/04/2021 20:27

You can't punish him for this.

Remind him that he knows to act better than this and leave it at that.

andoutofhere · 01/04/2021 20:29

Oh my goodness when mine were 16 I would never have dreamt about getting involved, on either side. At that age relationships just move on - it's life. He's absolutely right not to want to discuss it with you. The best thing I think you can do is to make sure your son knows you're there for him - always.