Why doesn't she visit?

[Itwasgoodwhileitlasted]

My DDad died last September and in recent weeks my sister has decided to only visit DM once a week.

DM is very, very lonely and has a very bad memory. I didn't visit myself for two days and she had noticeably gone downhill.

I live 5 minutes drive away and visit 4 times a week at least. DSIS lives 15 minutes away and only visits once a week.

I couldn't sleep last night worrying about it.

DSIS phones most nights, but its not the same. We both work full time and I have children, she doesn't.

It just all feels overwhelming.

AIBU to raise this with her?

(She does cry/ feel attacked at the drop of a hat, so I am reluctant. Also while I am getting it all off my chest it riles me that DSis doesn't even make her a cup of tea when she visits. DM does it)

Also, in fairness I should add DSIS does cook for DM occasionally on the one day a week she sees her. Still the responsibility of everything is really heavy.

I would talk to my sister, be open to her with how you are feeling, maybe she will visit more or not, but at least she knows how you feel.

We have been in a pandemic so technically visiting hasn’t been allowed

True, but try sticking to that one strictly when your surviving parent is themselves disabled and has just lost their spouse of many decades, on whom they were extremely dependent.

I've had to bend the rules quite a bit because of my vulnerable parents. My fairly immobile mother is recently widowed, so now suddenly on her own and in total shock. I'm afraid that the isolation induced by adhering too strictly to the lockdown rules would be the very worst thing for her. Already she can't see the way forward.

Sorry about your dad

OP,
I hope that your relationship with your sister won't be collateral damage in this situation.

Your mother's refusal to help herself cannot be the cause of you running yourself into the ground.

Her being very shy etc and refusing to do anything to help herself is IMO very controlling.

There are consequences to saying NO to everything.

I have huge sympathy for your mother in her loss but you have a busy life too.

Continue to offer solutions but your mother is going to have to help herself.

I think assisted living should be looked into sooner rather than later.

Mind yourself OP, you are grieving too.

You need to put yourself and your life first a bit more. I say this from experience. (I was juggling ageing parents with many health issues plus dementia, my kids of which one is a teen with SN, part time job, doing free childcare for a family member, shopping for four family households including my parents, and going through a difficult divorce from abusive husband and selling the family home and buying a flat).

It was too much. It got to the point I just did not have the energy to see them everyday. I was in tears daily. And you do resent siblings who do not do as much. It was time to make some changes to benefit everyone.

Now, we have the following in place.
Parents go to a day centre three times a week.
Carer comes in Mon-fri to check on them and supervise pill taking and breakfast.
Another family member cleans for them.

We visit on weekends taking it in turns. I mostly do their shopping still.

Has your mother had a diagnosis for her memory problems?
Do you have LPA's?

Adult social care and age uk might be able to offer advice. To give you all more support because there comes a time when you can not do it all yourselves.

It sounds like she shouldn't be living alone. I'd divert your energies away from your sister and to convincing Mum she should move to sheltered housing or some kind of retirement village with communal areas.

It sounds like you're doing too much, not the other way round.

Daily calls and a weekly visit is more than enough. Your mother is responsible for her social life, not you.

Please don't resent your sister because she has chosen to draw boundaries around contact.

Sorry for your loss. I don't think I yabu actually but it depends how close your family is/was when your dad was still alive. I would visit a parent more than once a week in that situation - if you said you wouldn't do it, would your sister visit more? Right now she doesn't have to. I'm not suggesting this either. She has that luxury and in most families when there is a parent in need, one sibling tends to pick most of it up - not fair, but seems common. Then again, a lot of people think that once a kid reaches 18, they should move out and I don't believe that either! I think once restrictions lift, you can guide your mum to some friendship clubs etc and gently help her meet other people. You care about her, so of course you worry about her. I totally get it.

Its very hard. My mam doesnt drive so that restricts. I do what I can. Sisters kids younger. I cant do it all. My mother always brings up the duty thing. She negative too. Its tiring. Sorry for your loss op

Yabu op

You are asking her to do the "right" level of care for your mum, but you are deciding what's right for them

It's really unfair of you to be judging her like this, and you'd be unreasonable to raise it with her if you frame it as "you need to do more".

Calling every day, going around once a week is what she can & wants to do. It's not your place to demand more. And if that leaves your mum bereft of social company then that's on your mum's problem list, not for your sister to fix.

I say this as someone who was chastised some years ago by another family member for not doing more for an I'll family member. What the family member who had decided to "have a word" with me didn't know is that aside from working full-time, juggling a house move, pregnant and extremely ill with a more severe (potentially life altering/ending) area of diagnostic health issues, I was already at breaking point myself - and the reason I couldn't do more even if I'd wanted was because I was already on my knees health-wise and stresswise myself. But that family member didn't see any of that. They hadn't asked, even if I was comfortable about sharing those details. And it's soured my relationship with her to this day.

You have no right telling your sister to do more for your mum. You only get to control you.

How old is your mum @Itwasgoodwhileitlasted?

OP,

Be careful of making your DM more dependent on you than she should be...you've said she is not in need of care..it is shyness & lonliness. You can't fill the gap of your late DF, your DM needs support & encouragement but maybe short of having one of her adult chlidren every eve forevermore.

You can say it to your sister, voice your concerns but she clearly has a different approach or sees the situation differently & maybe you could listen to her point of view. Maybe your DM likes to make the tea when she is there & be a hostess rather than feeling like she needs minding all the time. Ask your DM what it is she wants/needs. But making her dependent on you is a mistake if her health does not require it. She needs to (covid permitting etc) find new things to fill her time, she might like a group if it is a common hobby...but she might just prefer her own company too.

I think lots of visits shortly after your dad died was the right thing to do, but now it has been 6 months your sister has decided to scale it back to a level that is sustainable longer term.
It doesn't sound like you want to visit all the time yourself either, so you can't really blame her.
In my view adult children should support their parents as much as they can, but that doesn't mean taking on the entire burden of care and company themselves. It's unfair of a parent to make their child feel guilty about their situation - and it isn't going to help the parent to move forwards to a more fulfilling and happier life after bereavement either. The parent needs to find their own source of happiness.
Perhaps you can sit down with your sister and think about how your mum can be helped to regain her independence and find enjoyment in life again. It might mean going with her to get her started at a local coffee morning, or arranging home help, or encouraging her to get counselling. Visiting and phoning daily is probably going to inhibit her from trying anything new so might not actually be beneficial in the long run.
If her memory is so poor that she can't independently make new friends, maybe sheltered living or a day care centre would work.