Why doesn't she visit?

[Itwasgoodwhileitlasted]

My DDad died last September and in recent weeks my sister has decided to only visit DM once a week.

DM is very, very lonely and has a very bad memory. I didn't visit myself for two days and she had noticeably gone downhill.

I live 5 minutes drive away and visit 4 times a week at least. DSIS lives 15 minutes away and only visits once a week.

I couldn't sleep last night worrying about it.

DSIS phones most nights, but its not the same. We both work full time and I have children, she doesn't.

It just all feels overwhelming.

AIBU to raise this with her?

(She does cry/ feel attacked at the drop of a hat, so I am reluctant. Also while I am getting it all off my chest it riles me that DSis doesn't even make her a cup of tea when she visits. DM does it)

Also, in fairness I should add DSIS does cook for DM occasionally on the one day a week she sees her. Still the responsibility of everything is really heavy.

However hard you try, you can't fill the gap in your mum's life left by your dad.
Remember that unless your mum is very old, caring for her is a marathon not a sprint, don't take on more than you can do long term, and think about longer term solutions.
Moving to some sort of retirement community might be a good idea
A paid befriender could work too
Getting your mum used to someone who isn't family popping will help later when carers will really be needed. Or you'll end up doing it all, and that's not sustainable
How about a cleaner once a week who will also sit and have a chat? T

YABU 1 visit a week sounds enough to me. Your mum needs to take responsibility for her own social life. You mention you and your partner have lots going, quite possibly your sister does as well. Your expectations of your sister are excessive, you need to be realistic

You say your mum doesn't need care, yet you've mentioned her poor memory, are worried that she's gone downhill after you not seeing her for two days and complained about your sister is not looking after her when she does visit - that sounds like someone who needs help to me. Perhaps you don't realise because you see her so frequently and have forgotten what 'normal' is, but that does suggest that you are feeling under pressure from her needs and and that your mum would benefit from additional help. Could she be assesed for carers coming in once or twice a day?

Regarding your sister, I think visiting once a seek is fine for someone that doesn't need help/care. A lot of children visit less!

All these visits though aren’t helping your mum they are enabling here to remain stuck. How long term is all of this?

You need to talk to her and people like AgeUk to come up with a workable long term strategy and plan.

It's worth getting in touch with Age Concern as they often have lists of places like Day Centres (some of which are still open or at least offering a service to the elderly). Day Centres are like clubs for the elderly. My mum, who had dementia, used to love her Day Centre. They had quizzes, craft things, chiropodist and hairdresser visits, visits from speakers. The members pay for each day they visit and are picked up (usually) in a mini van, lunch, coffee/tea and biscuits is included in the price at our local one. They're not cheap but if you're not going out anyway it's worth it.

Age Concern may also be able to offer more advice as they've dealt with these sort of issues for years.

Our local church used to provide visitor services - just someone to pop in once a week for a cuppa and a chat (not church related at all - just a visitor).

I used to live 10 minutes walk from my mum but only visited once a week, plus I covered endless appointments (almost 30 separate appointments in one year!) My mum was very intense and I found her quite draining - once a week sitting and chatting was all I could mentally cope with. I did ring a couple of times a week. It can be 'horses for courses' with family. Different personalities react differently. If it had been my dad I'd have probably been there more frequently as we were very similar in temperament. Doesn't mean I loved my mum any less than dad and would do anything for her but there were times a quick run to the loo for a silent scream kept me sane in her company!

As for the not making a cup of tea for your mum. We were advised by her doctor to not do 'stuff' for mum when we were at her flat. The more we did, the more she forgot. So when I helped change the bed, she'd do the pillows - the duvet is hard work for an 80 year old but she could do the pillows. It would take her more time to do them than for me to strip and remake the rest of the bed and get a wash on. But she was keeping that knowledge and that's important.

From a practical point of view, would someone like a domestic help be of use? Mum had a lady come in twice a week as she was struggling to keep everything clean with dementia (just forgot to wipe down the loo for example). And whilst we'd do everything we could to help her, covering cleaning, appointments, shopping whilst still finding time to sit and chat was hard. So we got a cleaner.

As she'd been diagnosed with dementia she was entitled to attendance allowance which can be used on anything to keep her world 'normal'. At first we used it to have a hairdresser visit, then it was domestic help, then it was more personal care. It's not means tested (or wasn't five years ago). That may be something you can look at - we also used it towards mum's Day Centre fees too. Even just getting someone in to clean once a week is company.

Mum decided, about a year before her dementia diagnosis, that she wanted to go into sheltered housing (she eventually went through extra care housing then care home as she became less able to do anything for herself - terrible disease). The sheltered housing was fantastic. Everything on site including a little restaurant and things like bingo, afternoon tea and biscuits downstairs just for a chat. That sort of thing. That may be something to broach once Covid is over. I wouldn't hesitate going into sheltered housing when I'm older - mum's place (council run) was lovely.

But do call Age Concern and, if she is having memory problems, it may be worth having a chat with the GP for an assessment.

As far as your sister is concerned, she is doing what she can. Caring for someone is hard and we're not all able to cope with it. Would she be able to help with other things, like organising shopping, arranging help around the house etc if (like me) she's better at the practical stuff? Take some of the pressure off you that way?

I am surprised that you are upset that your DSIS doesn't make her own cup of tea yet your DSIS cooks dinner for her.

Your Mum has oodles of time on her hands, why isn't she preparing dinner for your DSIS?? With memory issues your Mum needs to be doing more to improve her attention and concentration not less.

The less your Mum does the more quickly she will she. Use it or lose it!!!

I’m sorry for the loss of your Dad and it’s still early days for all of you really.
In the kindest possible way, your relationship with your mum and the fact you enjoy her company, can never be the same as your sister’s relationship with her mum, even though they are both the same people.
Perhaps she finds your mum too draining or is grieving in a different way for your father. Your sister isinvolved with your mum, and keeps in regular contact and maybe that’s all she is able to give for the time being.
Try not to turn it into a ‘competition’ between the two of you, as you will likely need to support each other as your mum ages.

Age concern does a befriending service. Try asking them.

But really I think you resenting your sister not going as much as you is as much because you don't want to do it either. Which comes across as you want her to see it as much of a chore as you do-misery loves company as they say!
What happens when you want to go away for a week? Or are ill?

Forcing yourself to go 4 times a week when you don't enjoy it may well actually be less helpful than going once and having a lovely catch up.

Also what someone said about if her memory's going then will she remember visitors? I remember my dgran telling df that his brother never visited her when she was in hospital, and how good he (df) was for his regular visitors. He sat there with his mouth open knowing that he was visiting approximately once a fortnight (we lived 300 miles away) and my uncle, who at the point was living locally, was visiting if not daily, 6 times a week.

You mention nipping over for an hour four times a week. That very quickly becomes a chore. With the driving 15 minutes either way, that's an hour and a half out of the evening. But you then say she sometimes cooks etc, which presumably means she stays longer. So maybe she does the same amount as you are thinking of, four hours, but in one go.
If she's found a way that suits her and is still supporting your dm, then you need to stop looking at what you think she should do, and work out what works for you. Then you won't be looking over your shoulder and resenting her.

I, too, would be horrified if my DC’s felt they had to provide me with a social life. My husband died over 5 years ago - I am 70, but very fit and active - and it was difficult and lonely at first, as we did lots together. My family are not local, and all work full time. Visits from them were a bonus, not an expectation, which is how it should be, IMO. I know I am fortunate to not have any health issues, and I relish my independence. I think you need to gradually reduce your visits, otherwise your DM will never learn to manage her own social life.

@RandomMess exactly, mum needs to be encouraged to do things for herself and not lose her skills. It doesn’t ultimately help her by doing everything for her

@WallaceinAnderland

Your mum is emotionally blackmailing you and you are trying to do the same to your sister.

Yep, I think the OP is resenting that her Dsis has boundaries, visiting once a week and calling everyday is ample, the OP's DM has been offered support from her GP and refuses it so what can anyone really do if the mum refuses to do things that will help her?

OP I've been in a similar situation, and I found you pretty much have to be cruel to be kind. When my DM's husband died (not my dad), she literally did not know what to do with herself. We get on fine, but have never been massively close, but even given that her solution was that she was going to buy a house as close as possible (next door was metioned!) to me and DH and insert herself in our lives, we would take her shopping, DH would do her gardening, she would come round for tea several times a week etc etc. She basically saw it as my responsibility as the childless daughter to make sure she wasn't lonely, and to 'look after' her. When I pointed out that she didn't know anyone in the town we lived and would have no social life etc the response was 'well that's ok I'll have you'.

I had to challenge her really hard to make her see that as she was relatively young (60s) and no health issues, that wasn't something that made any sense for me or for her, and that she needed to carve a life for herself that didn't involve relying on me for everything. She hadn't even considered the fact that DH and I might not want to be responsible for her, or have her over all the time, or that we might want to move again in the fairly near future (and we did), so basing her life on mine was a daft solution. She was lonely and sad, and I was the obvious/only solution in her mind. She was really unhappy with me at the time, I had to put some hard boundaries in.

In the end she moved closer to one of my other siblings with children - she does some childcare for them, she lives in a lovely village with a strong church community that she has quickly become an active part of, she volunteers, she has a group of 'girls' (all in their 70s and 80s!) that she does coffee mornings and trips out with, and a best friend, also widowed, that she sees every day. All stuff I never in a million years thought she would be capable of in the aftermath of her DH's death, when she just wanted to cling to me. Even when he was alive she never really had proper friends of her own, just her SILs, so her new social butterfly status came as a bit of a shock!

Your mum is still grieving deeply, and she won't be thinking straight right now. And your DSis's relationship with her won't be the exact same as yours, and she will have her reasons for not doing more than she is (and IMO she is already doing a LOT). You have to respect that, and also not be guilted yourself into doing more than you can cope with. I always had to remind myself that DM is a fully fledged adult, who, given that she is of sound mind and body, is perfectly capable of making her own life choices, and if she chooses to make bad choices that leave her lonely and miserable, it isn't my responsibility to 'fix' that for her. That way madness and a life of martyrdom lies!

I sympathise about your dad, mine died very unexpectedly 2 years ago and it’s an horrific feeling.

Re your sister, did she visit more often when your dad was still there? If not, then I understand why she hasn’t changed her habits. If I didn’t have to, I’d never see my mum, I don’t particularly like her, I work full time, I have a time consuming horse addiction. Phoning her daily is huge, what on earth do they talk about?!

I think it would be useful to find groups/places for your mum to go. Be aware that if she’s getting forgetful, it may be the onset of other issues. Once my fil went, my mil declined rapidly.

Once a week is fine OP. Everyone has to make choices about what works for them in these cases.

Once a week is a lot, when you live 15 minutes away?

Hi @Hadjab, could you let me know how you know so much about my personal circumstances ? Cheers.

If she doesn't need care, she needs a social life - and that's down to her.
Once a week is generous. And people without children also have lives and commitments!
Perhaps you are only making your mum more dependent by visiting so often.

OP you haven’t really given much for people to help you on this.

You’ve mentioned your mum is lonely.

But how old is she? Does she require care? Does she have any illnesses?

If you’re mother is in her 60’s/70’s and your only worry is her lonliness than that’s understandable but its not your responsibility.

Coming from someome in a similar position, i visit my mum 2/3 times a week because I want to and she is alone but I also know i don’t have to, my sister visits every month and lives 40 mins away, i don’t begrudge her.

If my mum is lonely its partly her fault as she has come to rely on me for company rather than take responsibility.

If you’re mum is older then I understand its a different situation, and might not be as easy for her to be social

She has had tests, its not dementia. The dr says stress related and offered her some support classes/ counselling but she would never do that.

I don't understand your resentment towards your sister when your mum is refusing other sources of support and help. Your sister is doing nothing wrong by setting the terms of how much support and care she is able to offer. You can't decide on her behalf simply because you choose to do more.

If your mum has alternative help available and refuses to engage with it, then she is choosing to increase the burden on you. That is more of a problem than your sister IMO.

Hi @Hadjab, could you let me know how you know so much about my personal circumstances ? Cheers

The OP's sister. Not you

Once a week is a totally normal amount to visit a parent.

I don't know why you think it's your job to sort out your mother's shyness? Obviously it's lovely that you want to help her as much as possible but it's now making you resentful and she's unlikely to change now if this is how she's lived her whole life.

Your sister phones most nights and visits once a week, and works full time. Wow, that’s a lot I think, and what you choose to do, whether more or less, is up to you. Your sister does more than I do for my mum. And the fact my brother visits more and feels the need to keep going on about it is of no interest to me - if he wants to be a martyr that’s up to him.. Sorry for the loss of your dad, it sounds like your mum is still adjusting, and doing more and more for her won’t actually help her in the long run. It’s a tough one, but maybe stepping back a bit, and working on reducing the resentment you clearly feel for your sister, might help.

Honestly, it sounds like you and your mum have become co-dependant since your dad has died. You need to encourage your mum to socialise with people her own age, not with her children. It's not really helping.

Your sister isn't doing anything wrong, not at all. She rings every day and visits every week, that's more than acceptable.

YABU
you should take a leaf out of your sisters book.

@Itwasgoodwhileitlasted

I've never heard of a social subscriber. I will look into that, thanks.

I accept i do resent my sister over this. When she is there, she does look after DM.

It is all so overwhelming. Both me and DSIS both have a lot going on, besides this.

DM isn't on the Internet, never had any interest in it and her memory issues now mean she never will be.

Sorry to hear your father died. It's very tough to find your way through grief while being mindful of other family members grief too. If your mums gp thinks she is just having memory issues because of stress then there is no reason she couldn't learn to use the internet. Could she afford an iPad? SIL was always telling MIL that she wouldn't be able to manage one but she bought one regardless. She was on Facebook in no time and was well able to navigate her way around the internet. If you and your sister sat with your mother at each visit I'm sure she'd pick it up in no time. She could join local Facebook groups to keep her connected with what's going on. You could FaceTime her and it would help her connect with other family - has she siblings/inlaws who she might like contact with?

I don't think you should fixate on your sister and what she does and doesn't do. That's her decision and there's no point causing upset for yourself. Maybe you could suggest for the 3 of you to meet for a walk at weekends. At least between the 3 of you there might be more chat and it might be good for your mum to get out of the house.

Visiting once a week and phoning every day is lots. And what you're doing is too much. It's enabling, unhelpful, and is breaking you. You can't go on like this long term, or you'll crack. Your sisters approach is more manageable.

As most people have said, your role needs to be to enable her to find alternatives you your company. As social groups open up again, be ready to introduce her to lunch clubs etc where she'll meet people easily.

Definitely get in touch with age concern, and don't make your sister feel bad. She's already doing more than most, and your mum isn't her only responsibility or concern.