Why doesn't she visit?

[Itwasgoodwhileitlasted]

My DDad died last September and in recent weeks my sister has decided to only visit DM once a week.

DM is very, very lonely and has a very bad memory. I didn't visit myself for two days and she had noticeably gone downhill.

I live 5 minutes drive away and visit 4 times a week at least. DSIS lives 15 minutes away and only visits once a week.

I couldn't sleep last night worrying about it.

DSIS phones most nights, but its not the same. We both work full time and I have children, she doesn't.

It just all feels overwhelming.

AIBU to raise this with her?

(She does cry/ feel attacked at the drop of a hat, so I am reluctant. Also while I am getting it all off my chest it riles me that DSis doesn't even make her a cup of tea when she visits. DM does it)

Also, in fairness I should add DSIS does cook for DM occasionally on the one day a week she sees her. Still the responsibility of everything is really heavy.

@Notanotherhun

Would you like an altar for your impending martyrdom?

🤣🤣🤣

Are you the golden child by any chance, OP?

Probably AIBU wasn't the best place to post this but actually nobody has been harsh or unkind.

I totally agree with this

I can understand your concern OP, but TBH you are making a rod for your back by desperately trying to fill the gap left in your DM's life by the death of your DF. What you and your DSis should both do is encourage her to widen her social circle.

I am sorry for your loss, your sister's loss and your Mum's loss, but your sister is being very sensible. As you say you both work and have young children, that is a pretty full on life for all of us.
If you really want to help your Mum you need to encourage and support her to NOT rely on the two of you, rather than trying to force your sister to do even more than she is already doing.

Remember too, there's no such thing as 'duty'. That's a saying older people manipulate their families with to get them to do what they want. Rather selfish and not great parenting, people like that have little conscience, and any parent worth their salt wouldn't allow their busy adult DC to be on hand indefinitely, not when we scrimp and save all our lives in preparation for buying in care and services as we age.

"YANBU. I assume your mum was a kind and loving parent who provided the majority of your sister's care when she was little? Your sister sounds selfish, as do a lot of posters on this thread. Only visiting your isolated and recently bereaved mother once a week when you live only 15 minutes away is shameful.

Wouldn't bother raising it with your sister as people like her seem to lack any sense of conscience or duty but I'm sorry she is letting you and your mum down at a time shen her support could make such a difference."

What a crock of shit. It's a person's decision to have children, those children don't then 'owe' the same time back when their parents are elderly. It's a human relationship, not a balance sheet.

MN will say you don’t owe your parents anything, but I don’t know anyone in real life who has parents that they care about who doesn’t try to be a support to them. It’s as if they are permanent children and not both now adults.
You can encourage wider social interaction and interests.
I find the suggestion that you get carers to step in for sister unlike anything I know in real life! Carers are essentially paid to make meals/dress /supervise medication and help people wash, not replace human interaction. Even if they did just come to talk they change daily and have less in common than your sister. Befriending services are for people with no family nearby/ no one able or willing to be there.

@EmmaOvary

"YANBU. I assume your mum was a kind and loving parent who provided the majority of your sister's care when she was little? Your sister sounds selfish, as do a lot of posters on this thread. Only visiting your isolated and recently bereaved mother once a week when you live only 15 minutes away is shameful.

Wouldn't bother raising it with your sister as people like her seem to lack any sense of conscience or duty but I'm sorry she is letting you and your mum down at a time shen her support could make such a difference."

What a crock of shit. It's a person's decision to have children, those children don't then 'owe' the same time back when their parents are elderly. It's a human relationship, not a balance sheet.

Thank you for demonstrating exactly the selfish attitude I was describing. Are you the OP's sister?

I think it's very common that one sibling ends doing the majority of contact/care fir parents. Even though there's no good reason why.

Do what you think is right OP and try not to resent your sister.

In my experience it's to your own benefit when you look back that you can justify to yourself that you did what you thought was best.

Has there been no talk of the mother travelling to see either of her daughters? It doesn't have to be one way. I don't think daily phone calls are "nothing" either to be honest she is checking in regularly. And if the OP is there most days when would she fit in? It could also be that returning to the house (without her dad there) is hitting her very hard and she prefers the distance of a phone chat. We just don't know the sister's "side" to this story.

Sorry if I've missed it, how old is your mum?

Once a week with plenty of interim calls sounds pretty caring really.

Does your DM have any kind of interests?
Knitting/Gardening/Reading etc? If so, if might be worth finding out if there are any groups, then when we're allowed to open up again, you'll have the necessary info ready to hand.

I'm sure there are ways around her confidence/shyness. For example I'm in a knitting group and would be happy to meet up with you and her first so she knew someone. I'm sure there are plenty of others who would be prepared to do the same.

For those people saying the sister, who visits once a week, cooks her mum dinner and calls perhaps 5 additional times a week is not doing enough - what would you think is enough? and how do you know what else the sister has got going on practically and emotionally or does that not matter?

@VodkaSlimline if you think visiting once a week and daily phone calls are selfish, I think you have issues. Nobody is solely responsible for another person's emotional state.

Haven't RTFT but many posters appear to think visiting a lonely parent once a week when living 15 mins away is too much. Shame on them.

Been in a similar situation, worked FT
Lived several hours away
Visited every weekend for months
Saw an improvement, so set up some help locally
Support ongoing, but not every weekend

Suggest that you need to see whether your DM needs some outside assistance put in place

Your DM may improve or decline

Your DS may believe that your DM doesn't need so much help ?

Everyone is different, some people need more support than others

Sorry for your loss op. I'm sure this is a very difficult time.

However I think a lot of your pain, grief, anger and resentment is focussed on your sister.

If you're not careful all the family ties will be broken at a time when ideally you would all be pulling together.

Have you spoken to her about your concerns for your mum?

I think you're utterly wrong to keep fixated on how much more she could do. You don't know what else she is dealing with apart from her own grief from losing her dad.

And also this seems to be skimming over the real problem which is what your mum really needs. I don't know about dementia diagnoses etc. Has she spoken to anyone about her grief? There are often local groups.

Ultimately as a shy introvert she probably relied heavily on her husband. But that doesn't mean by default she should now have that same reliance on you and your sister. Pp have posted some good resources if she is feeling lonely.

What are your plans for the long term? Keep visiting four times a week?

Its difficult when a parent is gone. A person can only do so much. Im just back from my mams there is nothing done in my house. You have be realistic too. Op just mind yourself too. My friend had big spat with sister over mother care so tensions can be high.

It sounds as if your mother has been very reliant on your father and neither of them developed any friendships independently outside of each other. In this type of marriage sadly when one passes away the one left behind has no friendship group to fall back on.
I am sorry for your loss, but your mother needs to some way be encouraged in the future to build up some relationships with people her own age.
It is your decision to support your mother so much, you cannot dictate the amount of time your sister devotes to this and it is unfair to feel aggrieved about it.

If your sister cries at the drop of a hat then she could be suffering from anxiety and/or depression and find visiting your mother hard.

it riles me that DSis doesn't even make her a cup of tea when she visits. DM does it

It's really important that your mum is treated with respect. It's HER home and when you and your sister visit, she is the host. She also needs to keep her skills active, both by making things herself and in her social skills.

When my daughters visit, I want to make their drinks. It's my welcome to them. You're in danger of infantilising and de-skilling your mum if you turn up at her house and start doing these simplest of social things for her. Your sister is the one doing this right. Your mum needs to feel useful and feel like a good host. Let her make your tea. Give her this bit of independence.

Totally agree with saraclara. I too was confused by the 'not even making her a cup of tea' thing.
I apologise if I've missed some added detail, or misread OP, but you haven't indicated that your Mum is incredibly elderly or physically disabled and incapable - in fact, quite the contrary, you've said she is not ready for carers. So would would the visiting person (the sister) be making a cuppa rather than the host (the Mum) ?

For those people saying the sister, who visits once a week, cooks her mum dinner and calls perhaps 5 additional times a week is not doing enough - what would you think is enough?

Quite.

I totally agree with crimsonlake too.

I've lost both my parents, and neither when they were a couple, nor when widowed did they expect me or my sister to be their only source of conversation / company / support. They - like everyone should - took part in things, joined things, belonged to things and had both their own closer friends plus a 'community' of people they might see once a week, or once a month at places they went to. This is what your Mum needs to do, not try and guilt trip her daughters who both sound as if they are already doing a huge amount in terms of offering support.

Maybe your sister isn’t so keen on your mum. Just because you are sisters doesn’t mean you enjoy the same type of relationship with your parents. My sister is very close to my mum. I was closer to my dad.

I think calling your mum everyday and visiting once a week is fine. If you are finding the amount you visit hard to maintain then you need to pull back and encourage your mum to have some independence.

You seem really angry at your sister but she didn’t create this situation and she’s grieving her dad, so are you. Putting all the pressure of your mum’s happiness on yours and your sisters shoulders isn’t fair to anyone. You are a lovely person OP and you are trying but you can only bend so far. It seems your sister is making sure she can help without it being too much to maintain. How long can you keep up seeing your mum so often before it starts to cause you strain?

We have been in a pandemic so technically visiting hasn’t been allowed. Anyway, once a week isn’t too bad. For you going in 4 days a week is what you consider acceptable but for your sister 1 day a week is what she wants to do. Many grown up children go weeks and months without visiting their parents so I wouldn’t be stressing about it too much. Does your sister work and have other commitments to? Also the distance does make the difference. It may be only 15 mins away but that’s half hour round trip plus if she works or has children or whatever! There’s not enough hours in the day sometimes.