Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why doesn't she visit?

188 replies

Itwasgoodwhileitlasted · 01/04/2021 09:50

My DDad died last September and in recent weeks my sister has decided to only visit DM once a week.

DM is very, very lonely and has a very bad memory. I didn't visit myself for two days and she had noticeably gone downhill.

I live 5 minutes drive away and visit 4 times a week at least. DSIS lives 15 minutes away and only visits once a week.

I couldn't sleep last night worrying about it.

DSIS phones most nights, but its not the same. We both work full time and I have children, she doesn't.

It just all feels overwhelming.

AIBU to raise this with her?

(She does cry/ feel attacked at the drop of a hat, so I am reluctant. Also while I am getting it all off my chest it riles me that DSis doesn't even make her a cup of tea when she visits. DM does it)

Also, in fairness I should add DSIS does cook for DM occasionally on the one day a week she sees her. Still the responsibility of everything is really heavy.

OP posts:
LindaEllen · 01/04/2021 10:34

Once a week is fine for a visit. If your mum can't cope alone she needs carers. Your sister visits once a week and phones EVERY night. That's a lot!

Sunhoop · 01/04/2021 10:36

I don't think once a week is too bad? It's better than many! I live hours away from my mum so I can't say how much I'd visit if I lived close. I know my sister sees her multiple times per week so I imagine I'd probably be the same if I was close by as I love my mum and enjoy her company. Does your sister get on with her as well as you do?

You could ask your sister if she'd mind popping in twice per week a so or two of favour to you to take the pressure off? As your mum is lonely and would enjoy her company.

I know it's hard with covid but I would be encouraging your mum to find new hobbies/open her world a bit. Could you do the research of what's out there that she would enjoy and give her a gentle nudge. More work for you initially but should help everyone in the long run.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Original poster
Itwasgoodwhileitlasted · 01/04/2021 10:39

Thank you @sunhoop

You are right, covid has exacerbated everything.

DM has aged overnight and seems to be losing her confidence and independence too. It is very hard to watch when I'm still heavily grieving for DDad.

I need to find some solutions, but her shyness is a big problem.

OP posts:
Mistressofmany · 01/04/2021 10:40

She will be lonely and it's a sad time for you all. But going forward she needs friends of her own generation. There are millions of things an elderly person who can move about can get involved in - probably not so much this year sadly - and it would be good to spend some time looking for some of these things and seeing what might interest your mum. Gardening/art/walking/local history/U3A/church clubs/sewing - things my mum was involved in. She made lots of new friends after she was widowed, they don't have to be friends you knew before.
This is still your mum's first year alone so it may take her some time longer to adjust. But it will do her no favours to have her only company being her own daughters.

tisonlymeagain · 01/04/2021 10:40

I think once a week is fine, I see mine a lot less.

Your sister might have other things going on in her life? Just because she doesn't have children doesn't mean she's not busy.

You sound resentful that you are going four times a week and she's not, but that's your choice to do so, not hers.

It sounds like your DM needs some external help if she's suffering from memory problems and going downhill. That's where I would be looking for support.

Hoppinggreen · 01/04/2021 10:41

I am sorry about your Dad
It’s up to you how often you go and up to your sister how often she goes. Once a week is pretty good

4amWitchingHour · 01/04/2021 10:41

How do you mean your mum went downhill after two days of you not visiting? Do you mean mental health wise? If so, it sounds like she needs help as it's not normal for an adult to not be able to cope for two days in their own company. Has she seen a GP? Does she need grief counselling? I'm not sure the answer is you and your sister propping up your mum, if she's capable of living alone (ie - doesn't need care) then she needs to be more self sufficient for her social needs and / or sort out her mental health

4amWitchingHour · 01/04/2021 10:43

@Mistressofmany

She will be lonely and it's a sad time for you all. But going forward she needs friends of her own generation. There are millions of things an elderly person who can move about can get involved in - probably not so much this year sadly - and it would be good to spend some time looking for some of these things and seeing what might interest your mum. Gardening/art/walking/local history/U3A/church clubs/sewing - things my mum was involved in. She made lots of new friends after she was widowed, they don't have to be friends you knew before. This is still your mum's first year alone so it may take her some time longer to adjust. But it will do her no favours to have her only company being her own daughters.
Cross post, this is good advice
Ihaveoflate · 01/04/2021 10:45

In the nicest possible way, it's not your job to find 'solutions' for your mother. She needs to find her own way through the grief, with your support, because she's a grown woman. In the words if Philippa Perry, she needs to be 'felt with, not dealt with'.

Ponoka7 · 01/04/2021 10:45

Making tea for a visitor is good for her. Idon't think it's for adult children to provide company etc for their parents. Visits are great and should be happening, but not obligatory to combat non physical issues. Is it lock down that's making this worse? Would she consider going to a community center, does she knit, is she well enough to volunteer somewhere? Strategies need to be found and there needs to be a level of acceptance by your Mum that she's going to be lonely if she isn't actively planning and doing something about it.
Is she still caught up in grief? It does get better after a year, you start to accept that it's a new chapter. I think that your sister is being honest about what she can give.

therocinante · 01/04/2021 10:45

@Itwasgoodwhileitlasted

Thank you *@sunhoop*

You are right, covid has exacerbated everything.

DM has aged overnight and seems to be losing her confidence and independence too. It is very hard to watch when I'm still heavily grieving for DDad.

I need to find some solutions, but her shyness is a big problem.

Gently, OP - please remember 'finding some solutions' isn't your responsibility. It's nice if you can find something for your mum to do (local meetup groups in the park for walks? Get her a cheap tablet and set her up on Mumsnet Grin) but you are not responsible for it, nor her shyness and overcoming that.

I know I sound really harsh and unfeeling but having watched my mum take absolutely everything on for my grandma when she retired and was lonely, all it did was drive my mum mad with worry thinking it was her responsibility. It wasn't, it was my grandma's, to address loneliness if she felt it - your mum is an adult, she has a responsibility for herself too. And then if/when your mum needs care, again, your responsibility is not to provide it - it's to arrange it, if your mum isn't able.

It's so difficult when the grief takes on another form and becomes guilt about the surviving parent and their life now, but every single person who gets married knows they may be the surviving spouse one day. Do not tie yourself in knots thinking you are solely responsible now for ensuring your mum is kept company, entertained etc every day, because that was even more guilt and pressure lies.

Encourage her, give her pointers, set her up with some ideas of things she can do, but keep fostering what independence she does have: making her childlike in your worry will just feed into the cycle and she will be less likely to do things for herself if you're doing them.

MadeOfStarStuff · 01/04/2021 10:47

YABU

Once a week is really quite a lot, it’s great that you’re able to visit more but your sister isn’t and you can’t dictate to her.

If your mother can’t cope with give visits per week then it may be time for her to stop living alone with only the two of you visiting. Whether that’s her moving in with you or paid care or whatever

niceupthedance · 01/04/2021 10:50

Re solutions; why don't you get your mum an appointment with a social prescriber at her GP surgery - this is exactly the kind of thing they deal with, linking people with stuff in their community

AmyLou100 · 01/04/2021 10:52

She is just so lonely, really shy and she has no friends.

Sorry but your mother is an adult. It is NOT your sister's responsibility to fulfill these roles. In fact once a week is more than enough.

Just because you do X, doesn't give you the right to now decide what other people should be doing according to your standard. My dsis lives 2 streets away from my dm and they are in each other's pockets. My dsis cannot understand why the other siblings don't want to do the same??

Do what you want, but don't place your expectations on others.

ClaryFairchild · 01/04/2021 10:52

Is there any way she would consider moving to a retirement village? One where people still live independently, but have the option of group dinners, outings etc. it would make a massive difference.

Souther · 01/04/2021 10:55

@Itwasgoodwhileitlasted

Thank you *@sunhoop*

You are right, covid has exacerbated everything.

DM has aged overnight and seems to be losing her confidence and independence too. It is very hard to watch when I'm still heavily grieving for DDad.

I need to find some solutions, but her shyness is a big problem.

My mum lives with my brother's family. I generally visit at a minimum once a week. Sometimes up to 4. So you think this would be something that would help?
JosephineBaker · 01/04/2021 10:55

YABU.

Once a week is pretty frequent, and with daily phonecalls, I think your sister is making a lot of effort to stay in touch with your mum.

In addition - and dear god I with my inl-aws would remember this - telephones work both ways. Your mum can ring you or your sister. Mobility issues permitting, she can visit too. It's not a one way issue.

The first year after losing a parent is awful and I empathise. But I think you're conflating your grief over your father with contact with your mum. Your sister is grieving too, and will do so in her own way. Don't judge her.

MMMarmite · 01/04/2021 10:55

Agree with the other posters that it's better to help her regain independence, than constantly visit (obviously if you enjoy the visits that's fine!). Lockdown and a bereavement will very likely have affected her confidence. I think you and your sister should help your mum identify community groups she might want to join, and then help her work out the practicalities of getting to them. Maybe go with her the first time if she needs. She'll be much better off with a wide circle of friends and activities than just relying on her daughters.

Original poster
Itwasgoodwhileitlasted · 01/04/2021 10:57

I've never heard of a social subscriber. I will look into that, thanks.

I accept i do resent my sister over this. When she is there, she does look after DM.

It is all so overwhelming. Both me and DSIS both have a lot going on, besides this.

DM isn't on the Internet, never had any interest in it and her memory issues now mean she never will be.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 01/04/2021 10:58

@gobbynorthernbird

It isn't down to your sister to make up for your mum's lack of a social life.
That's so coldhearted.
Blackberrybunnet · 01/04/2021 10:58

You can't change your sister's behaviour, only your own. I appreciate you feel you are doing more than her, and that feels unfair. Maybe it IS unfair, but there's nothing you can do about it.

zafferana · 01/04/2021 10:58

I can understand your concern OP, but TBH you are making a rod for your back by desperately trying to fill the gap left in your DM's life by the death of your DF. What you and your DSis should both do is encourage her to widen her social circle. Does she sew, knit or crochet? Is she religious? Does she enjoy walking? Would she benefit from moving into sheltered accommodation with a warden and other people her own age as her neighbours? Unless you want this burden to rest on your shoulders for the rest of your DM's life I suggest that instead of railing at your DSis the two of you put your heads together and see if you can't help your DM to help herself. Age UK should be able to give you some ideas if you can't think of any.

zafferana · 01/04/2021 11:00

Re: memory issues - has she been assessed by her GP for dementia?

BrilliantBetty · 01/04/2021 11:02

Does she have some friends who, when the weather is better etc she could sit and chat with in the garden?

You're offering a lot of support. Which is brilliant. But it might not be sustainable to visit so frequently. 5 visits a week from family is a lot.

Is there somewhere she could go during the days a couple of times a week, or a group to join. I used to host a book club at a Library once a fortnight on a Tuesday afternoon. The council had even provided transport for a couple of the members there and back. They had lots of groups on offer and info on other services.

zafferana · 01/04/2021 11:04

DM is very, very lonely and has a very bad memory.

No, I don't think she needs paid care yet.

These two statements don't make sense OP. A 'very bad memory' suggests that she DOES in fact need care. The loneliness could well be because she doesn't remember that she has been visited/called. I really think she needs a referral to a memory clinic ASAP to have her needs assessed.