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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why doesn't she visit?

188 replies

Itwasgoodwhileitlasted · 01/04/2021 09:50

My DDad died last September and in recent weeks my sister has decided to only visit DM once a week.

DM is very, very lonely and has a very bad memory. I didn't visit myself for two days and she had noticeably gone downhill.

I live 5 minutes drive away and visit 4 times a week at least. DSIS lives 15 minutes away and only visits once a week.

I couldn't sleep last night worrying about it.

DSIS phones most nights, but its not the same. We both work full time and I have children, she doesn't.

It just all feels overwhelming.

AIBU to raise this with her?

(She does cry/ feel attacked at the drop of a hat, so I am reluctant. Also while I am getting it all off my chest it riles me that DSis doesn't even make her a cup of tea when she visits. DM does it)

Also, in fairness I should add DSIS does cook for DM occasionally on the one day a week she sees her. Still the responsibility of everything is really heavy.

OP posts:
Hadjab · 01/04/2021 11:54

@Rukaya

Hi @Hadjab, could you let me know how you know so much about my personal circumstances ? Cheers

The OP's sister. Not you Hmm

@ShirleyPhallus reading and comprehension are important
ShirleyPhallus · 01/04/2021 11:54

@Rukaya

Hi @Hadjab, could you let me know how you know so much about my personal circumstances ? Cheers

The OP's sister. Not you Hmm

That poster quoted me. Not the OP. Hmm yourself
TokyoSushi · 01/04/2021 11:54

OH OP, you're getting a bit of a rough time here, but you're clearly struggling. I think that you need to remember that this is not entirely your problem to 'fix' and what your DSis is doing, is reasonable enough. If your mum is medically well then she needs to take some of the responsibility too. You need to be careful that your DM doesn't become completely reliant on you as it will become too much over time.

You've been given some good ideas on this thread too, I think it might be time to call in some external support, maybe starting with somebody like Age UK.

VestaTilley · 01/04/2021 11:56

Unless she’s unwell visiting one day a week is more than enough.

It’s really an issue for your DM to raise, IF she’s bothered about it.

You’re both working FT- you don’t need to do daily visits as well. If your DM isn’t coping or her memory is really declining you need to inform her GP to get her assessed and look at carers coming in to assist her.

MrsPsmalls · 01/04/2021 11:56

My mum is 83 - dad is still alive and she relies on him for everything. I dread her being left alone. She does not have dementia but she just does not have the life skills to cope with life these days. It is too late to change now. She has been a housewife for 60 years. She has never worked or used a credit card or a cash point. She has never joined a social group of any description, her whole life being family children grandchildren. She has never used a library, can't smim can't ride a bike. She couldn't buy a train ticket, book a taxi, book a gp appointment. Obvs she can't use a mobile (or even a cordless!) phone. She wouldn't know what a laptop was! She could no more join a social group of strangers than fly. She doesn't even know her own telephone number ('oh you'd have to ask Bob for that - he deals with that sort of thing') Obviously she has brought this on herself but none of the suggestions on this thread would work for mum. I sincerely hope she dies first.

ThatsNotTheTeaHunty · 01/04/2021 11:57

YABU.
Although it's nice to visit your mum she still visits her.
When things have calmed down maybe see if your mum can join some clubs you can't expect your sister to visit all the time just because you do.

CheckMate2021 · 01/04/2021 11:57

@Itwasgoodwhileitlasted I’m very sorry to hear about the loss of your dad Flowers

I haven’t read all the replies, so apologies if I’m repeating here.
I was going to ask, are you older than your dsis?

I think it’s become a pattern, your sister knows you are there majority of week so probably doesn’t feel she needs to visit as much either? She knows your mum is being looked after, has visits regularly so her weekly visit is enough.

I live a 3 hour drive away from parents, my sibling lives 5 mins away. I do feel sad that sibling is the one who has to visit regularly (unfortunately due to circumstances I can’t move closer), check on them whilst I have to wait for school holidays (pre covid). I think it does place a burden on the person doing the majority of looking after (even if it’s not actual helping washing/cleaning, you are there to provide company and comfort).

Maybe a little chat with your sister would help? Just let her know how you feel (but without sounding like you resent her/are blaming her).

Is there anyone else at all that your mum might like to see regularly? A friend? Neighbour?

Hope you find a solution that works for you all, as the last thing you want to do is feel exhausted and worn out Smile

ExConstance · 01/04/2021 11:58

Can I suggest you have a chat to the local Age concern branch? They jcould pro;bab;ly recommend a befriending service, perhaps a phone based one that might help. You jsay your mother doesn't need practical help but there are services such as Crossroads who will come out and do activities with older people. A cleaner might be a good idea too as they can provide some company.

Original poster
Itwasgoodwhileitlasted · 01/04/2021 11:59

Thanks @CheckMate2021

OP posts:
saraclara · 01/04/2021 12:00

Jeeeze @MrsPsmalls. How on earth did you become a functioning adult, growing up? That must be so hard for you to have watched all this time. It's hard to imagine someone not even being capable of using a land line. Does she have learning difficulties, if you don't mind me asking?

Rewis · 01/04/2021 12:00

In the world of mn calling once a month is plenty and visiting more more frequently than on Christmas day is being too attached to your parents. (I know not everyone but I feel like there has been a few threads like this).

womaninatightspot · 01/04/2021 12:00

I know someone whose job is a companion for the elderly, she potters around does odd jobs, chats away, goes for walks with them, a cup of tea/ snacks.

She's not really a carer, although she used to be. Maybe worth looking into just to lighten your load.

ShirleyPhallus · 01/04/2021 12:02

@HadjabReading and comprehension are important

What on earth are you talking about, why did you tag me / reply to my first comment?

Crazycrazylady · 01/04/2021 12:03

Honestly op

Before you know it . Your mom will expect you to visit every day. It is just a slippery slope you're on.
Your mom needs to make some effort to help herself as well.
I think your sister visiting weekly and calling each day is a really good balance for most people..

melj1213 · 01/04/2021 12:04

I don't understand the people on here who say a 15 minute drive is really far to visit a struggling parent.

The problem is that it is not "just" the 15 minute drive. Its the 15 minute drive there, the time to sit and socialise and then the 15 minute drive back. At a minimum that's an extra hour onto the day and not everyone can or wants commit to that more than once a week and that is not a bad thing.

Your sister is not wrong to want to keep her commitment to once a week - she can drop in occasionally more often but the expectation isn't there - whereas your commitment of 4 times a week is not sustainable long term (as you are already finding out) and if you start reducing your visits then you feel guilty for doing so despite the fact you were never obligated to visit with such a high frequency in the first place.

As things start to open up over the coming weeks and months it might be the perfect time to start encouraging your mum to do things independently - join a group or take up a hobby etc - so that there are external supports outside of yourself and your sister so you don't have to feel so guilty for taking a step back.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 01/04/2021 12:06

I'm very sorry to hear about your Dad.

You and your sister are doing things differently. You do what you want to do and let her do it her way. You're no more right than she is!

Your Mum will never find her feet if you don't give her the space to do so.

She needs to learn to be by herself, do things for & by herself, not just lurch from
One visit to another.

If she doesn't need care, why shouldn't she make a pot of tea in her own house??

If you keep doing everything for her, she will lose her confidence & independence.

I actually think, out of the two of you, your sister is dealing with the situation in a better way.

HoboSexualOnslow · 01/04/2021 12:07

Could she be referred to social prescribers in her area? Or could contact Age UK for a befriender to help her loneliness? They mau help with daycenters and groups when they open up. As PP said you & your sister aren't responsible for her social life

UCOinaUCG · 01/04/2021 12:08

Your DS has set her boundaries and you have to respect that. She is not you. You can't be doing this for your DM forever. How old is she?

GrumpyHoonMain · 01/04/2021 12:08

Have you asked your mum if she wants you invading her space 4 x a week? Did you ever give her a choice? Sounds to me that she’s an introvert and many introverts (my mum included) are often happier with calls.

AcornAutumn · 01/04/2021 12:08

OP it sounds like your sister is making the sensible choices, which took me years

After dad died, I was there as often as possible trying to keep mum company. I might have just delayed her getting on alone and certainly it was too big a strain for me.

How old is your mum?

I don't think new friends are the answer. There's no easy route through grief.

foxhat · 01/04/2021 12:10

OP I wonder if it's worth exploring how you know that your DM makes your Dsis a cup of tea? I think looking at that might make sense of the dynamics as a whole. My guess would be that your DM has reported this to you? But as she has not significant health issues (according to your reports) it seems entirely appropriate for her to make DSis a cuppa when she visits. How does this get presented such that it sounds like your Dsis is somehow failing and what assumptions underly that? I think everyone is grieving in your family and coping in their own way. For your DM I think she is actually signaling 'look after me, I can't cope' a lot. But if you step back will it be most helpful to visit every single day and do everything for her or help her break down whatever barriers she has put in place which mean she does not feel she can develop a social life for herself? Your Dsis is actually doing quite a lot and my guess would be that what is different is how she is responding to your DM's 'unsaid' communication to look after her. It's really unclear what kept you awake at night - worry about your mum's physical wellbeing or emotional? If emotional maybe a part of what needs to happen is for you to find way to live with the fact that you cannot fix grief for your mum. She has lost her life partner, there is no way she will be OK right now.

MrsPsmalls · 01/04/2021 12:13

Sara no she doesn't have learning disabilities! As the youngest child she was 'meant' to become carer for her mum and dad. But escaped to marry my dad aged 23, but had never worked outside the house either before or since. It's bonkers I know! Me and dbs all uni educated and successful really but pretty sure she would have preferred me to be a house wife too.

wandawombat · 01/04/2021 12:15

@MrsPsmalls

My mum is 83 - dad is still alive and she relies on him for everything. I dread her being left alone. She does not have dementia but she just does not have the life skills to cope with life these days. It is too late to change now. She has been a housewife for 60 years. She has never worked or used a credit card or a cash point. She has never joined a social group of any description, her whole life being family children grandchildren. She has never used a library, can't smim can't ride a bike. She couldn't buy a train ticket, book a taxi, book a gp appointment. Obvs she can't use a mobile (or even a cordless!) phone. She wouldn't know what a laptop was! She could no more join a social group of strangers than fly. She doesn't even know her own telephone number ('oh you'd have to ask Bob for that - he deals with that sort of thing') Obviously she has brought this on herself but none of the suggestions on this thread would work for mum. I sincerely hope she dies first.
This is my mil to a tee. She's now developed a dementia of some sort, won't deal with getting help.

It's very hard as Fil does everything & it's going to break him.

wandawombat · 01/04/2021 12:19

@GrumpyHoonMain

Have you asked your mum if she wants you invading her space 4 x a week? Did you ever give her a choice? Sounds to me that she’s an introvert and many introverts (my mum included) are often happier with calls.
Yep, my very old DM is moaning like hell about being bothered all the time by my siblings calling her.

Op, if my sister was visiting that much, I'd be happy that my DM was having enough attention. I'd only know it was a problem if it was raised as an issue.

nitsandwormsdodger · 01/04/2021 12:23

I would only visit once a week myself
Great that you feel able to do more but you can't impose this on others

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