Why doesn't she visit?

[Itwasgoodwhileitlasted]

My DDad died last September and in recent weeks my sister has decided to only visit DM once a week.

DM is very, very lonely and has a very bad memory. I didn't visit myself for two days and she had noticeably gone downhill.

I live 5 minutes drive away and visit 4 times a week at least. DSIS lives 15 minutes away and only visits once a week.

I couldn't sleep last night worrying about it.

DSIS phones most nights, but its not the same. We both work full time and I have children, she doesn't.

It just all feels overwhelming.

AIBU to raise this with her?

(She does cry/ feel attacked at the drop of a hat, so I am reluctant. Also while I am getting it all off my chest it riles me that DSis doesn't even make her a cup of tea when she visits. DM does it)

Also, in fairness I should add DSIS does cook for DM occasionally on the one day a week she sees her. Still the responsibility of everything is really heavy.

Some interesting responses here OP, I hope they're helping you look at the situation with fresh eyes - it's very hard when you've got a recent bereavement and all the emotion attached clouding everything too.

It seems to be either:

• Your mum needs more care than you realise/want to accept (memory issues etc) and you're slightly resentful that your sister isn't stepping up. The solution there is to get an assessment for care needs and take it from there

OR

• Your mum is fine, health wise, and just (sadly) in a very normal post-bereavement bubble, and you are going overboard with what you think she needs emotionally/socially because you're worried about her and her grieving etc. In which case I think the social prescribing could be good but you need to step back and let her do this herself as surrounding her with constant support (are you an oldest child? The 'need to fix it' vibes are strong!) will just create expectations and a precedent that you will begin to find stressful and you'll resent your sister for not feeling the same need to fix everything.

@therocinante

That is pretty much what I think but utterly failed to express!

Why the issue of your DM making your sister a cup of tea, it's an odd comment to make for someone fit and healthy.

Is it worth looking into power of attorney if you are concerned about her memory? She has to have full capacity for it to be agreed, so it’s not something that can necessarily be left.

Your DM is responsible for her own well being, not you. And if she is lonely with no friends it is highly unreasonable to expect adult DC with lives and families of their own to plug the gap.
Our lives pan out as a result of choices we make. Don't begrudge your sister because she makes different choices to you.

I admit I HRTFT but, maybe your sister just simply doesn’t want to visit?

I know someone whose job is a companion for the elderly, she potters around does odd jobs, chats away, goes for walks with them, a cup of tea/ snacks. She's not really a carer, although she used to be
This.
I'm sorry about your dad 💐 and I think you're very worried about your dear mum being lonely but, tbh, if one of you went in every day (I'm not suggesting you do!) there would still be a lot of hours left for her to feel lonely. Please try not to worry too much about her, see if you can encourage her to go out once allowed and perhaps chat on the phone instead of one of your visits? My mum (gone now but reached 99) reckoned this is why old people 'find religion' as it gives them somewhere to go to chat and they know which day is Sunday! It sounds as though you and your sister are doing a great job between you.

I can understand your concern OP, but TBH you are making a rod for your back by desperately trying to fill the gap left in your DM's life by the death of your DF.

I agree. Sadly It's part of the "circle of life" that one half of a couple will end up alone. It's brilliant that you are happy and willing to visit as often as you do but tqhat's pretty exceptional.

The point is your sister is doing absolutely nothing wrong by "only" going once a week. That's still a lot! Please don't resent her or fall out

@gobbynorthernbird

It isn't down to your sister to make up for your mum's lack of a social life.

Wow! I know we hate old people on here but some of these responses are horrible. Such a me me me culture we live in. Op, my mum has been increasingly the same over the last few years. She's been in a lovely residential home for four weeks now and is loving it. So much going on I get emotional just thinking about how happy she is now. Don't rule this option out for the future. My mum's in her 90s and it was the right move for her. Do you have older children who could phone her? We took it in turns with my mum. And we used to put her on speaker and just go about our normal day, discussing tv programmes that were on etc. Unfortunately you can only share your concerns with your sister but can't force her to do what you feel is necessary. There are voluntary organisations that go out and chat with lonely people or call them. Might be something to investigate on a day that neither of you visits. Unfortunately Covid had curtailed groups that might do lunches st day centres etc.

YABU. It sounds like your sister has the right idea.

Mrspsmalls very hard if one spouse did it all. My mam got demanding after dad died. Does bit more for herself now. Nobody can be calling 24/7.
Op sorry for your loss.

OP, I am so sorry about the loss of your Dad. My own Dad died less than two weeks ago, leaving my Mum on her own after well over 60 years of marriage. My Mum has various medical issues herself which leave her only able to walk short distances and no longer able to drive. She relied on my Dad for driving.

My sister and I have barely even started to work out how we will manage with our Mum as neither of us lives particularly close to her house. I am a three hour drive away (only just home for a few days now after spending a month looking after her) and my sister is over an hour (she's there at the moment). We have the funeral next week.

You and your sister are approaching this in varying ways. Neither of you is right or wrong but I think you must strive hard not to let resentment build up as that will help none of you. You are visiting several times a week and that is fine if that is what suits you. Your sister visiting weekly and phoning daily is also valid. Your mother making your sister a cup of tea is also fine and probably helps keep her moving well around her house. Keep the lines of communication open with your sister and have regular chats about your concerns.

I can't even begin to see the way forward for us personally as it is such early days still. Nor can any of us. We do feel, however, that any major decisions must come from my mother herself and she must not be pushed. She knows this too, and is embarrassed that she is currently having to depend on my sister and I for now (we don't mind). Some of her friends have offered to come and take her out occasionally as things begin to open up and the weather hopefully keeps warming up. We shall encourage her to take some of them up on that whenever we cannot be there and to build on it if possible.

We will both visit and take her out when we are there. She has carers three times a day and she also wants to try and construct herself something of a social life using services available locally to her. We will of course help with that.

It is very hard. There are no hard and fast rules. You do what is right for you and your family, but don't take on too much or it won't be sustainable. Perhaps introduce your mother to some local clubs for people her age and go along with her the first couple of times. Then it might get easier for her and she might become more willing to get herself out and about occasionally.

My parents had both been members of their local bowls club, and my Dad was a very long standing member of another local organisation, so that is where the offers of help for my mother have been coming from and we are very grateful.

We are still faced with the same questions as you though long term, and there are no easy answers. Accept that you and your sister have different approaches. Talk to your sister about the problems your mother is facing. Ask how she sees it panning out and remember that each of you will need to build in some flexibility in the future. Do it without judging her approach and with appreciation that it has its merits too, as others have said. You could well find that you are not as far apart in your assessments as you might think.

If you decide to speak to your sister, I'd try to bring it up as "I've noticed Mum seems (fill in the blank)" or "Have you noticed that Mum (fill in the blank)? I'm worried that she's not coping well with so much time on her own. I'm planning to see her (days of the week). Do you think you could drop in to spend half an hour with her on (day)?" I'd do that rather than say that you wish she'd visit more often. Phrase it as a joint effort.

Ultimately, a weekly visit may be all your sister feels able to do. That's much more contact than many elderly parents get with their children...

Your mother may not want to move from the home she shared with your father, but if she's open to it, it might make sense for her to move closer to you, preferably within walking distance.

My sister and I encouraged our mum to make cups of tea etc, so that she kept the skill as long as possible, so I don't think your sister is doing anything wrong there. I lived about an hours drive from mums, while my older sister lived 5 mins away, so she did shoulder the largest part of the responsibility, but when we realised she needed daily visits plus outside help, I upped my visits to 2 or 3 times a week, and my brother and youngest sister did what they could. However it depends how much help your mother needs, if she is just missing companionship, and you only live 5 minutes away, then popping in alternate days for 10 mins is not excessive, and you should leave your sister to decide how much she feels able to do, otherwise you will both be exhausted, if there comes a time when she needs a lot of help.

Because why does she have to? If your mum doesn't need support then why should your sister be there more than once a week.

Sorry for your loss

Over time things may get better ?

You can try some things for your DM
However she may refuse everything that you suggest like
Try a new hobby
Join a group after covid
Do a sport
Exercise
Join library
Grow indoor or out door plants if have garden/allotment
Jigsaw or model, craft
Book a day out, theatre holiday, something to look forward to after covid restrictions
Get a pet
Volunteer

DM may make no changes at all

Give her time

Secondly, you cannot force someone to give their time or effort to care for someone else

What would your DM do if her family didn't live close ?

My mams clubs prob wont be back after Covid as elderly. Its hard. Only so much family can do.. its a few hours once you factor in the commute. She difficult with her neighbours.

YANBU. I assume your mum was a kind and loving parent who provided the majority of your sister's care when she was little? Your sister sounds selfish, as do a lot of posters on this thread. Only visiting your isolated and recently bereaved mother once a week when you live only 15 minutes away is shameful.

Wouldn't bother raising it with your sister as people like her seem to lack any sense of conscience or duty but I'm sorry she is letting you and your mum down at a time shen her support could make such a difference.

I don't know where you live but there are lots of charities/organisations exactly for people like your mum - people who are older and lonely. Get in touch with your local volunteer centre or Age UK and chat with someone there. You and your sister have full time jobs and can't possibly replace the companionship that your father provided and its better in the long run for your mum that you don't try and she lives her own life while ever she doesn't need care. There are all sorts of lunch clubs, befriending schemes, bowling clubs etc that your mum might really enjoy.

Are there any local befriending phone call services you could get her signed up for? One of the covid volunteers i know with royal volunteer service has been doing this through lockdown. Does she have any hobbies she enjoys? If you and DSis both have families and jobs once a week is doable - any more is difficult with juggling your own family and life. Would she speak to someone at Cruse bereavement counselling?
Its hard when you are grieving yourself to support your DM but you cant make her happy. Only she can do that and its probably to early in her grief to do that yet. Maybe ask her if she has any thoughts about what she might enjoy doing?

Sounds like she needs a care needs assessment and some care visits once or twice a day.

If your DF did everything for your DM then maybe your grief for him is also added to by realisation of how little she can do to help herself without his support. Its early days but you can both only do what you can do without stretching yourself too thin

So sorry for your loss. My DSis and I are run ragged attending to our elderly, frail DM since her DH died. I’ve had to take a career break as I live so far away. We don’t begrudge it as she really needs the support to live at home. We know sge doesn’t have too long and are content to make sacrifices.
Sorry if I missed it but it’s not clear how old your DM is and therefore how many years of support she might reasonably expect/ require. I think your DS is doing the right amount and you are doing too much and potentially being unfair to your own family. Sounds like you are helicoptering and enabling your mum who is consequently not adapting to the life change as she needs to. Encourage her to be independent and step back a bit - you will do all concerned a favour in the long term.

@ImaHogg

I’m in such a similar position op. My parents are 80 and 78, my dm has various physical issues and Alzheimer’s, dad doesn’t cope well with mum at all. Both myself and dsis live in the same village as our parents. I work part time and have dc, I help my parents out every day, its draining. My dsis works full time and has no children she is often home by 3 or 4pm but uses the fact she works full time as an excuse to only pop in once/twice a week, it really winds me up but if I bring up the subject I am either faced with tears or she gets really stroppy with me. I can’t win but I am exhausted looking after our parents. I feel your pain op.

You need to seek help. GP and social services. If you end up ill with stress you'll be no good to anyone.

Just because your Dsis doesnt have any DC doesn't mean that her life isn't really busy. I had my DC late 30's and up until then my life was bursting. Your Dsis may be protecting her independence and the life she has made. I have a friend like this. She fiercly protects her independence as she feels her siblings with DC expect her to take responsibility of their parents when they are busy with their DC. Your sis maybe putting up very firm boundaries to make sure she is not the person taking reposnsibilty as she "doesn't have DC".

The best thing you can do is start getting your mum as independent as possible and encourage her to get out and about. My DF was widowed last year at 85 and one thing I am really impressed with is that he has put himself out there, when he can covid willing, and create a circle of friends.