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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why doesn't she visit?

188 replies

Itwasgoodwhileitlasted · 01/04/2021 09:50

My DDad died last September and in recent weeks my sister has decided to only visit DM once a week.

DM is very, very lonely and has a very bad memory. I didn't visit myself for two days and she had noticeably gone downhill.

I live 5 minutes drive away and visit 4 times a week at least. DSIS lives 15 minutes away and only visits once a week.

I couldn't sleep last night worrying about it.

DSIS phones most nights, but its not the same. We both work full time and I have children, she doesn't.

It just all feels overwhelming.

AIBU to raise this with her?

(She does cry/ feel attacked at the drop of a hat, so I am reluctant. Also while I am getting it all off my chest it riles me that DSis doesn't even make her a cup of tea when she visits. DM does it)

Also, in fairness I should add DSIS does cook for DM occasionally on the one day a week she sees her. Still the responsibility of everything is really heavy.

OP posts:
MUM2TJ · 01/04/2021 11:05

Hi op
How many times a week did you or your dsis visit before your dad's death?
And did your dm spend all her time previously with your dad?
I'm asking this because my situation was v similar and you shouldn't resent your dsis because she has her own life to lead.

ImaHogg · 01/04/2021 11:07

I’m in such a similar position op. My parents are 80 and 78, my dm has various physical issues and Alzheimer’s, dad doesn’t cope well with mum at all.
Both myself and dsis live in the same village as our parents. I work part time and have dc, I help my parents out every day, its draining.
My dsis works full time and has no children she is often home by 3 or 4pm but uses the fact she works full time as an excuse to only pop in once/twice a week, it really winds me up but if I bring up the subject I am either faced with tears or she gets really stroppy with me. I can’t win but I am exhausted looking after our parents.
I feel your pain op.

Shedbuilder · 01/04/2021 11:07

Went through this with my MiL after my FiL died. She'd never made friends, didn't want the neighbours knowing her business and expected the children to be her sole source of company. No amount of visits and calls were enough. She wanted someone there 24/7. Perfectly understandable after living and sleeping beside FiL for 50 years. We struggled through for about 18 miserable months hoping she'd become more independent until everyone realised that what she really wanted was to move in with one of her children and be looked after full time.

No one in the family was in a position to offer that, but we were fortunate to find her a place at the local Abbeyfield facility: residents had nice en suite rooms and access to a communal kitchen, could come and go as they pleased and have visitors, but sat at a communal table twice a day for good home-cooked food made and cleared by staff. My MiL blossomed among the company of others like her and had three great years of companionship and fun before needing to move on to somewhere where there were higher levels of care.

No one can rescue your mum from this and make everything all right. If you have the ability to have your mum come and live with you, that's something you could consider. If not, there are other options:

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/housing-options/specialist-housing-options/

But expecting other family members to visit several times a week in the hope that this will make everything better isn't likely to work. Sorry.

Original poster
Itwasgoodwhileitlasted · 01/04/2021 11:08

She has had tests, its not dementia. The dr says stress related and offered her some support classes/ counselling but she would never do that.

I am making a rod for my own back.

I just feel like I am deserting her otherwise, which is probably where the resentment is coming from.

OP posts:
WhySoSensitive · 01/04/2021 11:10

You resent your sister because she doesn’t visit as much as you do?
That’s quite cruel. It’s not down to her to appease your mothers social life. I appreciate that you’re concerned about her mental health but you’re coming a cross more like you dislike your sister.

You visit four times a week and she visits once, she has five days of interaction and company a week.
She’s getting a hell of a lot more socialisation that most adults and seniors I know.

Rukaya · 01/04/2021 11:10

She is just so lonely, really shy and she has no friends

IT's not your sisters job to make up for that, or yours.

Quartz2208 · 01/04/2021 11:10

You cant keep up visiting 4 times a week it isnt fair on you and it isnt fair on your mum because she is becoming reliant on you and that shouldnt happen in any parent child relationship.

The amount your sister does is fine - daily phoning, cooking and a once a week. Together you should be looking at ways that this can be achieved for both of you without your mum going downhill.

BEcause things like holidays for you and your children, days out etc are out

Can she move into a retirement flat where there is support (and no obligation to socialise) and get some care in. Because you need to think long term

MUM2TJ · 01/04/2021 11:12

How old is your dm op?

Original poster
Itwasgoodwhileitlasted · 01/04/2021 11:14

@ImaHogg Flowers it is so hard, isn't it?

I don't understand the people on here who say a 15 minute drive is really far to visit a struggling parent.

Dsis works full time from home and finishes by 4pm. She could nip over for a cuppa and be back within an hour. But there we are, I can't force it and it seems unanimous o here that I shouldn't raise it with her either.

OP posts:
nancywhitehead · 01/04/2021 11:14

A visit once a week and daily phone calls sounds like quite a lot to me. Plus she has you visiting on top of that. That is a lot of support that your mother is getting, really. I think you are expecting too much of both your sister and yourself, you are both doing what you can.

zafferana · 01/04/2021 11:14

@Itwasgoodwhileitlasted

She has had tests, its not dementia. The dr says stress related and offered her some support classes/ counselling but she would never do that.

I am making a rod for my own back.

I just feel like I am deserting her otherwise, which is probably where the resentment is coming from.

Right, well in that case I would call Age UK - if nothing else it will give you some support and possibly some strategies. They must deal with calls from the DC of bereaved, sad, lonely elderly people all the time.

Please don't get into a rut of visiting every day though. When my grandad died my Aunt, who lived round the corner from my grandma, felt exactly as you do and my grandma lived another 10 years. During that time, as long as my Aunt wasn't on holiday, grandma expected to go for lunch every Sunday, to be taken shopping once a week, and to be visited 2-3 times. My DM (who lives 25 miles away) would visit once a week on a certain day and god forbid if she wanted to change the day. So do yourself a favour OP - get some support put in place NOW and try to deal with this before your DM gets any older and more dependent on you.

WallaceinAnderland · 01/04/2021 11:15

Your mum is emotionally blackmailing you and you are trying to do the same to your sister.

Spudbyanyothername · 01/04/2021 11:17

I don’t think once a week is that much! We visit in-laws that much (pre covid) at least and they have each other /work part time/ always out and busy. If one lived alone with memory issue they wouldn’t be left a day without someone calling in. We do have lots relatives though so wouldn’t just fall on one or two people.

I do think doing everything for your DM (ie letting her make a cup of tea) will only make her feel no contribution/ less able to do these things.

Maybe your DSis needs a more concrete reason than a chat. Like asking her can she do wed and sun so you can have a break, or can she have meal with her those days?

Aimee1987 · 01/04/2021 11:17

@Itwasgoodwhileitlasted

She has had tests, its not dementia. The dr says stress related and offered her some support classes/ counselling but she would never do that.

I am making a rod for my own back.

I just feel like I am deserting her otherwise, which is probably where the resentment is coming from.

I am so sorry this sounds quite hard. I think you need to be encouraging her to attend the groups suggested by the doctor. After the loss of her husband (pre covid) my MIL got involved in the local church in her village where they have coffee mornings. It got her out of the house. I believe support groups are allowed at the moment so I would look into what's going on in your area. I think you need to be looking at solutions to your mums loneliness outside of you and your DSis. With both of you working you cant be her only forms of companionship. I know this is tough at the moment but hopefully there is light at the end of the covid tunnel which may help the situation.
wizzbangfizz · 01/04/2021 11:17

Christ almighty I hope my DD doesn't feel the need to visit me 4 plus times a week! That is excessive IMO.

MoltenLasagne · 01/04/2021 11:17

I am saying this with kindness, but if your mum is going to be living on her own and needing support from you long term, you need to get much better at putting in place boundaries.

It sounds to me like you resent your sister because you feel exhausted which is understandable, but this means you need to look at putting in more realistic strategies for yourself than expecting your sister to do more when she's already doing a fair amount.

Can your mum come to you every other time and join a family dinner? What support do you feel she needs at home that can be automated or outsourced? Do you need to have honest conversations about a change of living circumstances? These are all things that may feel difficult in the short term, but in the long term will enable you to keep going and stop your relationship with your DM deteriorating from underlying resentment.

jessstan2 · 01/04/2021 11:18

Your mother's bereavement is still very recent so it is not surprising she feels sad and lonely. Honestly, this will pass, she will gradually accommodate her loss and begin to 'live' again.

I think a once a week visit from your sister is fine; it's lovely that you go more often than that but it isn't a competition, you both care about your mum. If you go away on holiday or are ill you won't be able to drop in so frequently and your mother will be fine.

RandomMess · 01/04/2021 11:18

Your DSIS doesn't want a daily or 4 x per week hourly commitment. She may also be worried about your Mums increasing reliance on it rather than actually admitting her loneliness and taking some self responsibility to change things.

You said you enjoy visiting your Mum, perhaps your DSIS doesn't?

FortunesFave · 01/04/2021 11:19

Maybe she's finding it hard to see your Mum like this? I know I am finding my own Mum's slow demise hard to cope with. Mine has dementia and while she's still at home, even ringing her is devastating for me every single time because the conversation is one long round of her repeating things and asking the same questions. It's heartbreaking and so I do avoid it sometimes...which makes things worse of course...but she has my sister and her own siblings....your sister might be in real pain over this too.

Sloth66 · 01/04/2021 11:20

My mother can be very negative and draining. I visit once a fortnight, and phone twice a week.
Like your mother, she hasn’t made friends and is very isolated and lonely. But she was never willing to join in with any community activities. At the end of the day, that’s her choice

OrganTransplant123 · 01/04/2021 11:21

Unfortunately you can’t ‘fix’ loneliness no matter how many visits or calls you or your sister make. I agree with posters who suggest social prescribing- try a volunteering role, library, walking group. Maybe another trip to the GP is needed just to rule out depression or dementia.

For your own sakes perhaps try to encourage your mum but take a step back from feeling so responsible. It’s hard but I watched my mum be completely beholden to my grandmother. She expected my mum to be at her beck and call- she was always lonely and no amount of contact was enough. My mum saw her daily!

CatsHairEverywhere2 · 01/04/2021 11:24

Does your mum have a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s or dementia? You mention her bad memory and your sister cooking for her. If she does then yes, you and your sister should be visiting daily. If not, then once a week seems fine if she’s got a busy life. Not having kids doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a busy life.

sonjadog · 01/04/2021 11:24

I think your sister sounds like she is supporting your Mum, while keeping boundaries for what she will and won't do. Maybe you need to have a rethink about what you are doing? It sounds like you are getting exhausted and resentful.

ImaHogg · 01/04/2021 11:24

[quote Itwasgoodwhileitlasted]@ImaHogg Flowers it is so hard, isn't it?

I don't understand the people on here who say a 15 minute drive is really far to visit a struggling parent.

Dsis works full time from home and finishes by 4pm. She could nip over for a cuppa and be back within an hour. But there we are, I can't force it and it seems unanimous o here that I shouldn't raise it with her either.[/quote]
Your dsis needs to step up like mine should, why should we shoulder all the burden. A fifteen minute drive is nothing, most people travel more than that to get a take away or drive through coffee! Your dsis obviously doesn’t like the responsibility like mine doesn’t, It’s such a tough situation.

NutellaEllaElla · 01/04/2021 11:26

I'm getting the impression that the more you do for your mother, the less she will do for herself and the more she will just let you do. You're already resentful (of the wrong person here. It's not your sisters fault that your mum is being so helpless. I don't mean to sound uncaring but there's a chasm between uncaring and manipulated), this isn't sustainable. Your sister and you don't need to do more, your mother does.