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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should NRP use all of their annual leave to have their children more?

362 replies

SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 18:09

Is it reasonable to expect the NRP to use every day of their annual leave to have their kids?
Situation is NRP has children EOW and 1-2 times a week for dinner, every bank holiday weekend, and time off for RP to go on solo holiday twice a year.
RP is a STAHP to 2 secondary aged children.

YABU - NRP should use all of their holiday allowance to have the kids more
YANBU - NRP can use annual leave for a few personal days too

OP posts:
OverTheRainbow88 · 31/03/2021 19:58

I think you and your Oh are getting a harsh time.

Kids mum doesn’t work and gets 2 holidays a year child free.

Don’t undertake why dad can’t take some annual leave to himself.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 19:59

Sorry he shouldn’t use any annual leave EXCEPT for the kids

OP posts:
HelenHywater · 31/03/2021 19:59

He has kids and has to have them half of the holidays. That's just life. It's irrelevant that she's going away. Having them EOW in term time means she's doing the biggest part of the childcare over the whole year.

LaceyBetty · 31/03/2021 19:59

@HelenHywater but you said the H has to "suck it up". I don't understand the point. He is having them next week.

gonewiththegin · 31/03/2021 19:59

Personally I find it unreasonable that your DP’s ex wife expects him to have his children on every and any day off. His time off is none of her business. Especially when on those days he is still doing the school run.

OverTheRainbow88 · 31/03/2021 19:59

@HelenHywater

But she has 8-4 ish to herself 5 days a week and EOW child free

HelenHywater · 31/03/2021 20:00

(OP, if he has extra days beyond his share of the school holidays, I completely agree that he should be able to do what he wants with them).

BungleandGeorge · 31/03/2021 20:00

@SpongebobNoPants

How would my kids let slip to his ex about anything? His own children hadn’t told her he was picking them up and dropping them off.
I read it as they let slip to other people, possibly his kids, their mum, mutual friends. It’s probably obvious from your perspective but we don’t know your set up!

I’d also say mum coming to your house in a confrontational manner is bang out of order (unless it was something way more serious). I hope none of the kids were there

HelenHywater · 31/03/2021 20:01

I assume him and his ex agreed the child contact arrangements at the time they agreed the money. I'm sure it's open for him and her to re-negotiate now.

I don't understand why he needs to take leave if they're teenagers anyway. Presumably they can hang around the house during the day while he's at work. I don't have 12 weeks leave a year, so my kids have to do that...

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 20:01

He has kids and has to have them half of the holidays
He is having them half of the Easter break, he had to use this holiday before April 1st or lose it, it isn’t taking away from time with them. They were told in January and he couldn’t take any time off before now due to being a key worker. So he’s taken a few days this week and all of next week to have them

OP posts:
audweb · 31/03/2021 20:03

Nah he’s not unreasonable. I’m a RP and take annual leave just to have time to myself. I know plenty of other people that do. What’s the big deal? She’s overreacted, especially if he just had to use the time off. Mind you I also have been on holiday without my child, which I’m sure isn’t the done thing in MN land, but it is in the world I live in.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 20:04

I don't understand why he needs to take leave if they're teenagers anyway

He doesn’t have to do childcare anymore, he takes it off to spend time with them, this time though he had extra and the kids are at school so he’s done the school runs all week. Kids obviously didn’t tell their mum for whatever reason and the offer was for then to stay over tonight but they chose not to. They’re old enough to choose

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 31/03/2021 20:04

My personal opinion is that if he’s doing his share then it’s absolutely nothing to do with the ex how he takes leave. It’s a valid point to consider that maybe he should do more in the holidays but that if they’re in secondary he shouldn’t need to take leave the entire time. I hope they are upper secondary and you can get shot of the ex soon!

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 20:05

I go away without my kids with friends sometimes and have the occasional day to myself, I don’t see what the issue is.
Over lockdown they were here whenever they wanted as I worked from home and I facilitated it,

OP posts:
Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 20:05

They’re 16 & 12

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/03/2021 20:05

EOW plus bank hols isn’t much at all though. That’s a whole lot of child free time away from them without the need for extra holidays.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 20:07

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss and their mum has 9-4 every single day without them, what’s your point?

OP posts:
NotAPanda · 31/03/2021 20:07

Ex sounds batshit.
If she’s had the chance to go on holiday so should you.
Nobody should be forced to use up all their annual leave on kids... especially if they’re teens who can entertain themselves.
Also if NRP has the kids for less time presumably he paid more maintainence.
I was shuffled between households as a child ( my own + grandparents as parents worked shifts ) and I hated the constant moving . 50/50 midweek living arrangements are rarely in the child’s interest...

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 20:08

It averages out at 2 nights a week over the year. Plus whenever they want to come extra, it’s an open door.

OP posts:
alexis4theppl · 31/03/2021 20:11

So am I right in thinking, ex has kicked off because any annual leave he gets she thinks should be used for time with kids, even though the extra days hasn't effected the usual arrangement in place?

You husband is entitled to spend his time and annual leave as he likes as long as the agreements are met. The ex is entitled, I'd tell her to mind her business.

A holiday on your own without kids is fine, book one.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 20:14

@alexis4theppl yes that’s exactly the situation.
She actually screamed at him “WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY YOU WERE OFF??!”
He said he didn’t know he had to ask her permission? We’ve got them for 9 days from Monday so she can go visit family.

OP posts:
Blueroses99 · 31/03/2021 20:15

It’s 31 March and your DP has to use his accrued leave by 1 April. Was your SC’s mum expecting him to take the kids out of school during term time because he is off or lose his leave as he can’t spend the days with his kids because they have school?

Whether a NRP should spend all their annual leave is irrelevant given there was a deadline by which to use the leave which didn’t coincide with school holidays in this scenario .

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 20:15

@Blueroses99 my thinking exactly

OP posts:
BigPaperBag · 31/03/2021 20:20

Of course the NRP should have some personal holiday. You are so why shouldn’t they. I say this as an RP with an NRP who doesn’t bother at all btw 😂 Plus I’m also step mum to two kids and DH normally has them every other weekend with holidays agreed ad hoc. He certainly doesn’t use all his holidays.

BillMasen · 31/03/2021 20:20

@Pomp

What does it matter who the NRP is? Unless people would post a different response based on it being a bloke??
I think that’s exactly why...
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