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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should NRP use all of their annual leave to have their children more?

362 replies

SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 18:09

Is it reasonable to expect the NRP to use every day of their annual leave to have their kids?
Situation is NRP has children EOW and 1-2 times a week for dinner, every bank holiday weekend, and time off for RP to go on solo holiday twice a year.
RP is a STAHP to 2 secondary aged children.

YABU - NRP should use all of their holiday allowance to have the kids more
YANBU - NRP can use annual leave for a few personal days too

OP posts:
gamerchick · 31/03/2021 18:27

Stop dripping information and just stick it in one post!

BilboBercow · 31/03/2021 18:27

I think NRP should be able to have a holiday without their kids given the kids are old enough now to come and go and given he's not had a holiday without them for a decade. I say that as a resident parent.

JackieWeaversZoomAc · 31/03/2021 18:29

I split all school holidays with X 50/50. So he can do what he wants re his holidays - as long as he can cover 50% of his children's time off from School it's none of my concern.

I think it is reasonable for NRP to cover school holidays like this.

Peace43 · 31/03/2021 18:30

I expect my ex to take our DD for the majority of his annual leave as I do but I certainly don’t track all the days and if he used a few for himself I’d not bat an eyelid. I probably use 1 or 2 of mine per year without DD.

hopeishere · 31/03/2021 18:31

So your partner is using all his AL to either look after his kids or take them on holiday? And you think that's unreasonable?

Do you have your own kids / kids together?

OhamIreally · 31/03/2021 18:31

People are trying to clarify whether you are the RP not a RP.
It's quite clear your are the partner of the NRP from the way you refer to the RP.

JackieWeaversZoomAc · 31/03/2021 18:32

Under "normal conditions" I have had a few holidays without dc over the Xmas/ny break when my office is closed & kids are with their dad. Otherwise I choose to spend my holidays with my kids.

Those weeks of on my own are fab though.

PotteringAlong · 31/03/2021 18:32

Stop talking in the 3rd person. What’s the situation and what are you actually asking?

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 18:33

@gamerchick I didn’t want to because as soon as people see the SM is posting they get a shit tonne of abuse on MN.

So to not drip feed. I am a RP to my 2 kids, I’m working all this week... DP had some extra days that had to be used so he’s had a few days off to sort the garden / have a rest.

His ex has gone ballistic. She found out as he’s been dropping SCs to and from school and they slip he’s off and she’s turned up shouting abuse at him this afternoon.

We’ve both booked annual leave next week to have all the kids for the week so Ex can go to visit family in another city.

OP posts:
cochineal7 · 31/03/2021 18:34

So NRP is a key worker who worked through a pandemic, suddenly has a few extra days off this week because he needed to take accrued leave, and now wants these few days off for himself? Sounds very reasonable.

RB68 · 31/03/2021 18:35

She is being unreasonable its none of her business. She needs to back off

Pomp · 31/03/2021 18:36

What does it matter who the NRP is? Unless people would post a different response based on it being a bloke??

RedGoldAndGreene · 31/03/2021 18:37

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@RedGoldAndGreene he’s having them the first week of the summer holiday, 2 weeks in the summer, most of the Christmas break every year.
Plus normal weekends and all bank holidays.[/quote]
You should have added that to the OP

My ex doesn't usually see our kids on his days off (his choice) and I think that's fine. Sometimes adults have chores to do on days off that are easier without the kids there eg diy, having a drink with friends or catching up on sleep. I'd obviously love the luxury of doing the same but that's the way things are for me.

Matilda2013 · 31/03/2021 18:37

We basically used to make a list of all school holidays. Split the list in half and assign them to mum/dad and then it was up to them to sort those dates either taking annual leave or organise childcare by family or after school. Quite simple.

Pomp · 31/03/2021 18:37

The ex is very unreasonable imo

RedGoldAndGreene · 31/03/2021 18:38

@Pomp

What does it matter who the NRP is? Unless people would post a different response based on it being a bloke??
If she's the RP and hoping that the ex will have his kids during some of that time then that's a reasonable question to ask. (My answer would be assuming he's local then I'd hope he'd see them on some of the days)
RB68 · 31/03/2021 18:39

I would go as far as to say she is being controlling as its no business of hers how he uses holiday or alternative childcare if he can't cover the kids with him. Its not his role to have the children just as he is off work. You have agreed contact with her she can't just dump more on him unless he asks and she agrees. I would be considering getting agreements in place that she is not allowed to approach the house or him when he doesn't have the children. ALthough I would also have a think about why she feels hard done to - did the kids miss out on contact last year and she had to cover extra hols etc = ie is there a reason she is so upset

LBOCS2 · 31/03/2021 18:39

No. NRP is entitled to use their holiday as they wish, provided the DC are looked after appropriately - likewise the RP, if they worked, could take that decision.

Frankola · 31/03/2021 18:42

No i wouldn't expect them to do that. Especially in your situation

ChessIsASport · 31/03/2021 18:47

That is unreasonable. Sorry in your original post you didn’t make it clear that the RP is trying to dictate how they cover their share of the holidays. As long as NRP does their share of the holidays it shouldn’t matter if they use childcare or their own holidays.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 31/03/2021 18:49

Although I would also have a think about why she feels hard done to - did the kids miss out on contact last year and she had to cover extra hols etc = ie is there a reason she is so upset

No. This is extra holiday as a bonus

OP posts:
user1471462428 · 31/03/2021 18:50

He needs to be able to go the dentist at least twice a year and have any medical appointments by himself so 3-5 days off a year by himself.

mrsm43s · 31/03/2021 18:51

I would expect that any parent, resident or non resident would want to spend holidays with their children. I cannot imagine choosing to take a holiday without my children. But, I mean holiday as in actual time away etc.

With regards to annual leave, again, I would prioritise spending time with my children, and choose to book most of it when they are around. However, I do sometimes book some days leave to get stuff done etc, and like your DH I often end up with days left at the end of the leave year which don't coincide with Easter school holidays. But predominantly, I book leave when my children are around because, simply, time with my children is better than time without my children. Your DP's ex sounds bonkers in this scenario, and it's not really any of her business.

I'm not a NRP by the way, just a parent whose children live at home with myself and their father. But it's the same thing - I choose to spend time with my children when I can, as does DH, but sometimes, through necessity, there are times when their school holidays and my (and DH's) annual leave are not aligned.

Sexnotgender · 31/03/2021 18:55

I wouldn’t expect the NRP to have to use every single holiday for their children. The majority yes but a few days to themselves is absolutely fine.

And yes the drip feeding of information is tedious.

LaceyBetty · 31/03/2021 18:56

The RP is being unreasonable here in my opinion. He can do what he wants with his time off and it's none of the RP's business.

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